I feel terrible that I didn’t realise it was a friend’s significant birthday

[Madaboutdahlias]

A friend of over 20 years had a big birthday this year. I briefly wondered if it was a significant one but thought if it was she would organise something special as we all tend to do for our big birthdays in our social group be it a coffee, outing, lunch or party. Felt awkward to ask as thought I’d should know and am quite wary of asking via messages as things can be misconstrued ie I should have known it was a big one. She is quite a few years older than me but they held a party for her husband’s significant birthday last year so I knew it would be coming up in the not too distant future. Another friend in our group organised a lunch for the girls just before this friend’s birthday in her new home and then subsequently cancelled it as she tends to do. I don’t think she realised it was our friend’s big birthday either. The friend whose significant birthday it was told me via WhatsApp that she was rather fed up as she didn’t want to hijack the friend’s lunch by organising something so close to the friend’s “cancelled lunch” but would organise something later on during the year. I just didn’t pick up on the cue as quite a few of our friends were away on holiday during her birthday week. My birthday was around this time too so I organised a last minute lunch which I prepared after the friend’s cancelled lunch was announced. Nothing was mentioned about my friend’s big birthday as she was going on holiday that afternoon but popped into my lunch. However the “cancelled” girls lunch had been organised only 6 weeks before so if you were planning on a significant celebration you would have given some notice if you were intending to celebrate it with that circle of friends. I dropped a present off and left it at her house after wishing her a would birthday on the day to which she responded to. Then I saw a message on FB wishing her a big birthday wishes-quite a few people hadn’t taken on board that it was a big birthday and acknowledged that on FB. I then sent flowers to arrive the next day to wish her a happy special birthday but haven’t heard anything since which is unusual. I feel like such a terrible friend and it’s unlike me not to cotton on after her WhatsApp message. How can I make up it up to her as I’m sure she’s feeling very hurt. I have also been recently diagnosed with a terminal chronic condition which I have only shared with my family which has rather knocked me sideways.

[vanillawaffle]

I have also been recently diagnosed with a terminal chronic condition which I have only shared with my family which has rather knocked me sideways. cut yourself some slack! When you're ready to share with your friends then they'll understand

[distinctpossibility]

Are you sure she wanted her significant birthday recognising specifically? My mum really struggled with turning 50 (and later 60) and would have been mortified at a particular celebration outside of the normal coffee / text / flowers.

[Changingplace]

You don’t know what you don’t know - you’re not a mind reader!

If this was one of my good friends I’d simply message something like ‘Hope you had a wonderful birthday - I had no idea it was your (30th/40th/50th)!! Let’s meet up soon, I’m free on xyz’

[LlynTegid]

Big birthday is a nonsense done to get you to spend more money. Treat it as any other, if you remembered it then good.

I think you should think about whether you continue being friends with someone who cancels things at shortish notice a lot, if that is the case.

[Bearygummies]

Don’t worry, it’s not even as if you forgot her birthday.

FWIW I’ve been there for a certain friend for decades , I would always send a lovely heartfelt message on her birthday and would bring presents for all of her kids birthdays but on my last milestone birthday I got an unenthusiastic text that said “happy birthday Bearygummies, have a great day x” thassit!

So you’re doing well in my eyes! I’d have been well chuffed with a present dropped off and flowers with a lovely note.

I don’t see there’s any issue at all and perhaps she is still planning to organise something for later on in the year ? If she wanted a big fuss on her birthday it was probably more down to her husband to organise something if anything.

[nutbrownhare15]

You remembered her birthday. She didn't organise anything or mention it. If she's stroppy with you I'd let her get on with it, I don't think you have anything to feel terrible for.

[MsFaversham]

If people want you to celebrate their birthdays, big or not, then they need to tell you clearly in advance what it is they are asking you to celebrate and how. You are not a mind reader.

I don’t remember my friend’s birthday dates. I have a large family and it is hard enough to keep track of them so I rely on someone telling me but I have friends who obviously put mine in their calendar as I get cards every year. I get a twinge of guilt but they need to flag it up to me if they want one from me. It hasn’t caused any problems with the friendships over the many years I have known them.

[Fortitudinal]

You have to take responsibility for reminding people in advance. It’s childish to stay silent and not mention it - it’s like some kind of test.

Don't feel bad. But by all means call her and leave a message/say what you’ve said here. Not in a self flagellating way though - just to explain.

[hopscotcher]

Really sorry to hear about your diagnosis OP - look after yourself. With regard to your friend's birthday, I think you're overthinking things a bit. It was up to your friend to make sure people knew it was her big birthday (if that's what she wanted) and arrange something. The flowers were a nice gesture, and I hope you get acknowledgement soon. You don't sound like a 'terrible friend' in any way whatsoever.

[Pancake1203]

Don’t be too hard on yourself! A couple of my closest friends didn’t realise it was my birthday at all recently. And my other closest friend nearly forgot to wish me happy birthday until she asked what I was up to that day and I said my husband had booked the day off etc. and then she realised. It was a big birthday for me too, but I really didn’t mind! If I’d have been really bothered and wanted them to wish me a happy birthday, I’d have made it clear in advance, as I’m sure your friend would have done! You’ve got enough on your plate, don’t beat yourself up about this.

[CarrotCake01]

This seems like a whole lot of nothing to me 🤷🏼‍♀️ things being arranged then cancelled, some people may have known, some didn't, there were lunches, non lunches, people were away, new homes, coffees, gifts, last minute flowers 🤯 don't sweat the small stuff OP.
Your friend had a birthday, it sounds like you got them something for their birthday... cool.

[pimplebum]

Why on earth should she be hurt?

She did not tell anyone it was a big one

You sent flowers and present

[DutyBound]

I think you're being way to hard on yourself - if she wanted a special fuss on her birthday the onus really is on her to let people know it is a special birthday. You wished her happy birthday, and then when you realised it was a special one acknowledged that too and sent flowers!

I turned 50 recently - I didn't mention it to most people (and I'm not on Facebook) and didn't organise something special so it really didn't bother me when, inevitably many people didn't realise as it was indirectly exactly what I chose. My closest friends knew (mainly because we are the same age!) and of course family.

Why do you think she would be 'very hurt'? I can't imagine feeling like that, unless someone close to me did know and didn't acknowledge it on purpose (and this was very much out of character).

[neleh87]

It's a bit rude of your friend not to acknowledge the flowers you sent?! If she hadn't mentioned the big birthday how were you to know?

[letitlego]

I don't think she cares

If she wanted it to be a significant milestone, she would have mentioned in advance

[Notinthemood12]

You got her a lovely present, that’s good enough. Don’t overthink it. You’ve got enough going on x

[colourfulchinadolls]

This all sounds very childish to me

If she wants a big celebration can't she just organise one?

Do many adults even bother distinguishing between birthdays? I hardly ever do anything major for mine

Your friend sounds precious