Ex is back again and wants to see ds again...please tell me how you would handle this!

[userzH]

Ds is 5.

The timeline goes like this:

Sept 2023 - ex left me after he was being abusive. He tried to come back but I refused.

Zero contact with ds for 3 weeks

Start of October 2023 - ex sees ds for a a couple of hours 3/4 times until end of October.

End of October - police is called as ex tells me js going to kill himself and it would by my fault.

Zero contact with ds for 6 weeks.

December 2023 - ex sees ds for the first time after the police involvement for 5 hours. He introduces his new gf to ds in this visit

He then has ds every other Saturday for 4 weeks

Ex then cancels 2 Saturdays in a row meaning he hasn't seen ds for 4 weeks however he had ds once for tea for 2 hours.

Ex then claims his mental health is bad. In total he hasn't seen ds for 6 weeks.

I have never stopped contact.

He has text tonight to say he is ready to have ds again. I've said I need to see an improvement. My gut says I can't just hand ds over to him after 6 months of complete inconsistency.

I've told him we can meet up the park and he can see ds for a couple of hours but even that I'm not happy about. I need to somehow build up the trust but I don't know how to do it. School are involved and social services have been - for the welfare of him and ds.

Ex claims his mental health is better now. However he has huge narcissistic traits, I don't trust a word he says.

My gut feeling is that I can't just hand ds over to him like nothing has happened. I really love my son so much and I don't want him to be anymore hurt than he already has been.

I also feel I need some firm boundaries in place. He can't just walk all over us like this.

He absolutely destroyed my mental health yet I would never (neither would most) usual that as an excuse to just abandon my child.

[NamingConundrum]

Tell him he's been inconsistent and needs to work his way up. Start with a month of weekly phone calls. If he does every one he can have supervised short visit in community. Park/softplay. Again, once a week for a month. He needs to be consistent for 2 months before seeing him alone. He misses one, start again. This all only applies if you feel ex is safe. If you think he's a danger no contact, he can take you to court. Then you can think about what happy with, take him for an evening a week for dinner for example, add in a weekend day every other week, working up over time to EOW and a weekday night.

[userzH]

@NamingConundrum

Tell him he's been inconsistent and needs to work his way up. Start with a month of weekly phone calls. If he does every one he can have supervised short visit in community. Park/softplay. Again, once a week for a month. He needs to be consistent for 2 months before seeing him alone. He misses one, start again. This all only applies if you feel ex is safe. If you think he's a danger no contact, he can take you to court. Then you can think about what happy with, take him for an evening a week for dinner for example, add in a weekend day every other week, working up over time to EOW and a weekday night.

Thank you - something like that sounds good.

From the sounds of the text, he really goes just expects to let him just have ds like nothings happened! It's good to know I'm not being unreasonable by saying no!

[MaloneMeadow]

You get a good family law solicitor involved

[RandomMess]

I would actually tell him you won't until you've been to mediation and he needs to arrange and pay for it.

[Scaffoldingisugly]

Write a timeline to date of his flakey fuckwittery... Incase things escalate to mediation or court level. Yabu to hand over ds to him if you have concerns about his mh. Any threats of suicide ask the police to do a welfare check. Add that to your diary....

[userzH]

@Scaffoldingisugly

Write a timeline to date of his flakey fuckwittery... Incase things escalate to mediation or court level. Yabu to hand over ds to him if you have concerns about his mh. Any threats of suicide ask the police to do a welfare check. Add that to your diary....

Oh it's all logged. I'm divorcing him and have a solicitor too.

The suicidal threat did make me call the police which is why social services got involved. They weren't bothered about him but they were me due to it being domestic abuse.

[userzH]

@RandomMess

I would actually tell him you won't until you've been to mediation and he needs to arrange and pay for it.

I don't have to do mediation due to it all being domestic abuse. You can skip that part and it goes straight to court. I'm divorcing him at the moment and getting legal aid which means I don't have to do mediation.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Tell him to go to court if he wants contact. This is horrifically unfair on your child. I would not be trying to manage this myself. Be prepared for him to disappear completely.

[Mummame222]

He has text tonight to say he is ready to have ds again


honestly, wtf. There is zero chance I would let my kids Dad flutter in and out of their life as he saw fit. I have never, and would never stop him from seeing them but I 100% would if he was inconsistent and selfish about it. Kids deserve consistency and reliability, if their Father isn’t going to provide that you need to by doing the only thing you can, stopping the contact.

[userzH]

@TheFormidableMrsC

Tell him to go to court if he wants contact. This is horrifically unfair on your child. I would not be trying to manage this myself. Be prepared for him to disappear completely.

I want him too! Life is so much easier without him in the picture.

How he can just expect to come back like nothings happened is beyond me.

Ex has a 10 year old son who has decided that he no longer wants to see his dad. He was my step son and I was in his life for a long time - I completely underhand why he doesn't want to see his dad anymore. However my ex has used the fact that his older son doesn't want to see him anymore as an excuse not to see my son - if that makes sense! He's too sad about his 10 year old to see my son.

He is abusive, that's why the 10 year old doesn't want to see him anymore.

The whole thing is a complete mess and it's all down to him.

[userzH]

@Mummame222

He has text tonight to say he is ready to have ds again


honestly, wtf. There is zero chance I would let my kids Dad flutter in and out of their life as he saw fit. I have never, and would never stop him from seeing them but I 100% would if he was inconsistent and selfish about it. Kids deserve consistency and reliability, if their Father isn’t going to provide that you need to by doing the only thing you can, stopping the contact.

Exactly and that was my response. He hasn't replied so I'm guessing he's angry. He really just expected me to go along with it like nothing had happened. Absolutely zero apology from him either.

I told him I supported his relationship with ds and I was not stopping contact however his behaviour was unacceptable and he will not be picking up where he left off.

Ex will always play the victim and refuse to acknowledge he is the problem.

[RandomMess]

So if you are already excused from mediation straight to court then. I would be asking for supervised contact as a starting point.

[NamingConundrum]

I wouldn't take him to court, why do the legwork for him? If OP decides to deny contact make him go to court. But if he isn't a danger to the child the courts won't like OP being obstructive. Have you asked social services?

[Xenoi24]

However my ex has used the fact that his older son doesn't want to see him anymore as an excuse not to see my son - if that makes sense! He's too sad about his 10 year old to see my son.

If one of your kids didn't want to see you any more, wouldn't you be even more grateful for the opportunity to see the other, even more keen to take that opportunity, very much focused on trying to build a better relationship with a young child that is not yet tainted??

This excuse is from the "that makes no fucking sense at all and smells like bull shit" book of excuses.

[userzH]

@NamingConundrum

I wouldn't take him to court, why do the legwork for him? If OP decides to deny contact make him go to court. But if he isn't a danger to the child the courts won't like OP being obstructive. Have you asked social services?

I'll ring social services on Monday. We've just had an early help assessment done with them and school are very much on board too so I'll speak to the welfare lead too.

It's so hard to know how to handle this. My ex is extremely selfish and cannot put anyone else first as this post shows. However it wasn't all bad when we were married - but I worked my arse off to keep it that way.

I don't know if the courts would see him as a danger - he was years ago and did have a criminal record.

He will just always play the victim and never see it through anyone else's eyes.

I can't see him taking me to court as he is a gambling addict and terrible with money - just to add to the list of positive things about him. But I do worry that it could seem I am stopping contact. I never have until this point where I feel enough is enough.

Ds is also going under assessment for autism too.

[Southeastmumma]

Are you married to my ex?? ;) I haven't spoke to him for 12 years. Life is much nicer now.

YANBU. Keep putting firm but reasonable boundaries, like the suggestion of a weekly phone call. For consistency. Fair chance he will get bored of the situation if you do this and will be out of your hair, especially with a new gf to charm, alternative is he will step.up, be reasonable, and establish regular contact in best interests of your child. I'd put my life savings on the first option but you never know. Good luck 🙏

[userzH]

@Southeastmumma

Are you married to my ex?? ;) I haven't spoke to him for 12 years. Life is much nicer now.

YANBU. Keep putting firm but reasonable boundaries, like the suggestion of a weekly phone call. For consistency. Fair chance he will get bored of the situation if you do this and will be out of your hair, especially with a new gf to charm, alternative is he will step.up, be reasonable, and establish regular contact in best interests of your child. I'd put my life savings on the first option but you never know. Good luck 🙏

It wouldn't surprise me if I was to be honest 😂

I am going to keep my boundaries 100%. It's very hard as I am healing from all the shit he put me through and I think he thinks he can just walk all over us still.

He claims he loves his kids but I know I couldn't go a day without speaking to my dc. God knows how any parent can say they love their kids yet be so......shit.

I know exactly what he will do next. Not bother and tell everyone I'm keeping him from his son....more playing the victim 🤗🙄

[Disasterclass]

Don't do anything without consulting the social worker. If they're concerned about domestic abuse they may want to meet and do an assessment with him (if they haven't already) before he can have contact

Many women allow abusive men to have contact with their children because they don't want to not allow them to see their dad or worried they'll get blamed by their children later on. It's understandable but it can be viewed by social services as not protecting the children.

[userzH]

@Disasterclass

Don't do anything without consulting the social worker. If they're concerned about domestic abuse they may want to meet and do an assessment with him (if they haven't already) before he can have contact

Many women allow abusive men to have contact with their children because they don't want to not allow them to see their dad or worried they'll get blamed by their children later on. It's understandable but it can be viewed by social services as not protecting the children.

That's absolutely bang on.

It's difficult because when we were a family we were sort of ok but I realise now that's because I was holding it all together all the time. Without me he was useless.

I don't want to be responsible for stopping their relationship but my gut feeling says it's better that they don't have one. But then living with the guilt of that will not be fun....

[userzH]

I just wanted to come back to this thread as my anxiety is turning the roof.

I emailed ex setting out what I propose going forwards with ds and the reasons why. I was polite, friendly yet firm.


I suggested we meet at the park and have short visits to build it back up. I also suggested setting up a FaceTime routine. I gave him some times which work best for ds.

He was extremely angry. Sent me texts back asking for the number for social services and telling me he was going to ring them and tell them about the time I felt suicidal 2.5 years ago - because of him. He told me i wasn't perfect. I'd just like to point out here that I left him, I got help and was still able to take care of my children. There were no concerns for ds at all.

That hasn't worried me as I know social services will just look at him like he's an idiot. It has upset me though.

I feel so weak when it comes to him. And scared. How do you hand your child over to someone that's been so abusive towards you?

He is refusing allow me to build up contact. He says meeting at the park with my child is more damaging ds and has now turned it around that I am the one that is messing our son up by stopping contact - despite him not seeing ds through his choice which he has a million excuses for.

He also says the FaceTime times I gave him don't work for him. He told me I am being awkward.

Absolutely nothing is his fault. He doesn't take responsibility for anything and turns into a nasty piece of work to deal with if you don't do things his way.

I ended up replying with far too much which I regret now but I did tell him I'm not the only mother of his children who's had the police and social services involved. (There's 2 more of us 🙄)

What would you do next?

[Scaffoldingisugly]

Stop getting into discussions. You have made suggestions and fair offers of contact.. If he is abusive then just block him. He has no right to abuse you this way. He can seek the proper channels and convince a judge he is of sound mind..

[MatildaTheCat]

Do what you planned and speak to SS about this. Stop allowing him to abuse you in this way.

[TimetoPour]

How awful OP.

Take comfort from the fact you are doing a great job. You are being an advocate for your child and Social Services, Police etc are all supporting you.

I would stand firm. He is bringing nothing but stress and anxiety to you and your child. He can take you to court if he is that desperate to see his child. I doubt he will bother but if he did, I would put money on them giving him supervised visitation in a contact centre.

[autumnlace]

You're doing a great job OP, well done for divorcing this man, but stop allowing him to abuse you and contact you with messages like this.

Can you pass this on to solicitor or SS? I'm not sure how that all works.

As a child who grew up with a flakey dad, who repeatedly blamed his 'mental health', and would disappear for months at a time, or just not show up, your child will not blame you, you may get the brunt of their sadness/anger in their teens, but once they're an adult they will thank and love you for being the stable adult in their life, and protecting them from heartache of a rubbish 'dad'. They will see his true colours.

My dad was flakey & constantly cancelling even when I was at uni! He's magically grown up and become more stable recently, but the damage is done. I'm in my 30's now, I don't wish to see him and don't feel a big connection to him, just sadness. However, I have a very close relationship to my mum, and love her very much, and feel sad about what my dad put her through. Having a dad like this can cause a lot of emotional trauma for kids.

Please protect your child from this nasty man, if he wants to see his kids he needs to demonstrate consistency and responsibility through legal means. He can't just flake out and be a Disney dad when he feels like it. Kids deserve consistency and reliability.