To suggest that extended family don't come to Christening?

[bluebell82]

My lo is only 6 weeks but we would like her christened at 3 months.. we have close ties with a local restaurant and would want to hold a meal there afterwards. I have a small family and a big group of friends due to my family being up north etc and my dh has the opposite.
I would want my lo's grandparents, great grandparents, aunties and our close friends there as at the end of the day it is a celebration of her joining the church. My dh is very supportive although not religious but is important to me as my preist christened, confirmed, married us and buried my late father so to have him christen our first daughter would be very special.
However I have a feeling my inlaws may be less than impressed (and they will make no secret of this) if we don't invite the extended family which will consist of doubling the christening party from 20 to 40 people and although they are my dh aunties etc they will bear to little relation our lo.
Every family get together results in a massive piss up and I don't want this for such a special occassion, plus my family are very different and I don't want them to feel alientated which they have felt in the past when both sides of the family have met up.
What would you do? Plus I know money won't come into it, but we are looking at £25 a head all in and to be honest there is a stark difference between 20 and 40 guests!

[NorthernLurker]

Your christening, your decision. 20 people sounds like plenty too me. YANBU

[harpsichordcarrier]

the honest answer is that I would have an occasion that included both sides of the family equally, otherwise you will build up resentments that can last for years - sorry!
if you want a quiet celebration with your family, then do it another time.

[bluebell82]

harpischordcarrier, I can see your point exactly, but the resentment is building me, it is a religious celebration and I just know they won't see it as that. I feel like a cow now but I just don't want it to turn into an all dayer where everyone will crawl out of there forgetting the underlying reason why we are all together.

[RubySlippers]

can everyone come to the ceremony and then the select few come to the meal afterwards?

[shreddies]

I don't think you can have extended family on one side and not the other. Perhaps just keep it very small - parents and your siblings on both sides?

[VictorianSqualor]

How does DH feel?
I'd say if he wants his family there then they should be.
When my two DC's were christened it was in the Church local to me, the one where DD went to nursery.
I had recently split with XP at the time and his family were all strict catholics, the DC's were being christened CofE, but I invited everyone and think it would have been unfair not to tbh.

[harpsichordcarrier]

I know bluebell, believe me! when two families come together, there is inevitably some tension about differing traditions/ cultures etcetc.
your ILs like to celebrate an occasion by drinking, your family don't.
I understand that this creates tensions but, seriously, are you up for the kind of issues that will arise from making this occasion into something for you and your family?
is it really worth the hassle?

[bluebell82]

shreddies- all my extended family are 4 hours away and thats on both my parents side so they wouldn't come, so maybe that would be a good angle to take, just immediate family, I couldn't just invite my dh extended family to the ceremony as we live about 10 miles away from where they live and I think it would cause more sour grapes that we were inviting them for a meal.. I don't want to use the excuse of cost as I know my inlaws would chip in and thats not the issue anyway.. I feel like a terrible person!

[flowerybeanbag]

I think you must have same 'level' of family on either side, your DH's family would be absolutely reasonable to be 'less than impressed' if your aunties were welcome and his weren't.

[bluebell82]

My dh is really easy going, we just come from different worlds where families are concerned, there was only ever me, my sister and my mom and dad as all our family live away so I have enjoyed such a close relationship, it was just the four of us, where as my husband has a massive family and I have to be honest it overwhelms me, I find that it is always me bending over backwards etc.. I posted a while back about the first two weeks of my lo's life where we had over 50 visitors it nearly pushed me over the edge, I'm just not used to the sort of intensity a big family brings, when it was just me and my dh it wasn't so much of an issue but now the lo has arrived it has become one..

[Flibbertyjibbet]

I can see your point entirely. Bils baby was just christened with 150 (yes thats ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY) guests. Neither him or his gf are the slightest bit religious and all il's seemed to think the meal and piss up after is the point, not the actual service, at which there were children running around screaming, people chatting and no one paying any attention to what was going on at the font!!
I don't think you are being unreasonable but then I have inlaws like yours. Because of my lapsed faith we haven't had our boys Christened and the thought of it turning into a 'party' type event for our piss-up inlaws is one of the many reasons for not doing it.
So you either do it with a tiny number of people, ie your immediate families on both sides and the god parents, or you accept that dh has an extended family and that they come along to any family events.

[bluebell82]

Just to clear up who I was thinking of inviting, my dh's parents, his sister and partner, his grandparents, my mother and step father, my sister and partner and then our mutual friends, which consist of 4 couples two of which woulod be our lo's godparents. That would be 20 people including me and my dh... I have grandparents but as they are 4 hours away and geting on a bit they wouldn't be attending

[beaniesteve]

If your husband isn't religious then surely his extended family may not be, so why would they be that bothered?

[VictorianSqualor]

I thnk you'll have to say you just want a small affair and invite the close family and friends, if you're not inviting your own extended then it's perfectly reasonable enough not to invite his.

[VictorianSqualor]

Or you could have a small party type thing in the village hall or somewhere straight after, and have the actual meal anotehr time with your close family and friends. (or vice versa time wise)

[bluebell82]

good idea about the party, we could possibly have a bbq another time... oh the joys of families! I think I just have to not wind myself up, because what ever I decide, if i don't invite them I am going to feel like a witch and if I do invite them I am going to feel stressed, I think that I have to accept I will never find a happy medium on this subject!

[harpsichordcarrier]

I do understand finding an extended/big family a little overwhelming.
however, as part of a big/overwhelming family myself I can see it from the other side too.
I think a big party at the time, then a more intimate occasion with your family?
whether they are religious or not, is a little beside the point really.

[Nessamommy]

Hi bluebell! I understand your dilemma! It's hard with this sort of thing! But I do think that if you invite aunts etc. from one side, you do have to extend the same to the other side. It's unfortunate though that they might turn this into a big "party" instead of celebrating it for what it's worth. I know it's a far shot, but have you considered talking to your MIL about the nature of the party? Or would there be a way of, when inviting the extended family, to let them know the nature of the party?