To think if he can behave in school he can behave at home

[bugsymalonemumof2]

DS is 6 and in year 1. Behaves impeccably in school, has extra support via his ehcp for his speech, listening and attention but really well behaved.

His behaviour at home is absolutely hideous. Swearing, hitting, constant screaming. Collected DD from her door on the way out of school and DS shoved a reception child flying.

I know full well DS wouldn't dare behave like this at school, so he very clearly can behave. So I've really pushed being even firmer with him as I can see he clearly can behave so it must be my parenting that is the issue. I don't have an issue accepting that but it just isn't working. For shoving the child earlier I made him hold my hands whilst I finished talking to DS's teacher. Then informed him for xx he was losing his after school tablet time. He then predictably kicked off re the loss of tablet time so once we were home I sent him to his room until he had calmed down. Dinner was 4pm and we spent 20 minutes after building some lego together as a bit of a chance to have a positive moment. It is now 5pm and he is running around incredibly boisterous again.

It is just constant and I am drained. His understanding isn't 100% so I approach him as a more recently turned 5.

How do you get even firmer to show that if they wouldn't do it at school, it also won't be tolerated at home? AIBU to know he can behave and to expect it here too?

[beachcitygirl]

He's masking at school. For sure.

That's exhausting to keep us & 💯 why he acts out at home - his safe space.

Try & think what it would be like if you a grown adult had to behave at home exactly as one would in a professional office setting. Transport to & from office, Suit on, heels, make up , bra, being civil to srseholes, negotiating office politics, negotiating your way round a lazy/useless/sexist boss, having to eat food you didn't prepare in a place that isn't home (maybe noisy eaters, people who speak with food in their mouth) horrible office lighting, temperature too hot or cold Etc etc and

Now imagine living at home exactly like that & being expected to be the same polite, considered, mature person you are in the office.

I bet you pound to the penny you walk in, bra off, slippers on, glass of wine, bitch at your other half.. just like the rest of us.

He's just a little kid.

[lannistunut]

@BertieBotts

You are looking at it the wrong way around. Have a watch of this (the next one will likely be automatically suggested, so you can continue with the talk) and then if you want to know more, go to the website www.livesinthebalance.com

Thanks, that was interesting.

[bugsymalonemumof2]

Thank you, I know I'm being unreasonable I'm just so frustrated. I need him to hold it together just ten more minutes and then I can help him in whatever way he needs.

I can't get my head around how it seems like two different children and I've seen him in school and how happy and calm he looks.

He is under the global delay umbrella, our paediatric service won't reassess him because "he has a diagnosis".

I have no idea why he pushed the child, it was completely out of the blue..he always comes out like a springy jack in the box. If I insist he holds my hand to walk around he screams I'm hurting him and hits me constantly. It's all just mortifying and then we end up with him screaming the whole way home and both of us in tears.

[Faithin]

I would say it is more likely that he is struggling and unsupported at school but
masks and hence the behaviour at home.

[lannistunut]

I need him to hold it together just ten more minutes Why? Why do you need the ten minutes?

[oddoneoutalways]

You need to call an early Annual Review of his ECHP and have his Special Educational Needs re-done (Section B) to take into account his masking and explosive behaviour at home so that his Special Educational Provision (Section F) truly provides the correct provision.

At the moment it isn't - or he wouldn't be masking so heavily and exploding when he's in his safe space at home.

Re-referral to CAMHS too for assessment, could well be ASD or ADHD and those require different approaches/provision than GDD. The EHCP isn't worth the paper it's written on if it doesn't actually meet his needs.

Cut yourself some slack too, I know it's so hard and horribly frustrating. But he can't help it. Plan for straight home after school - no supermarket stops for example - and downtime at home. Be led by him and your life will get a smidge easier. But this behaviour will continue until his needs are met in school.

[maskersanonymous]

Definitely masking, and it looks very much like school is asking too much of him during the day if he is just falling apart every night. Unfortunately it is a lot of work to forensically work out what he needs/what is going wrong but you are going to have to do it (and be very clear with the school and SENCO that you need their support with this). I have been there and it does get easier, but I had to be heavily involved with my DC's management in school. Take a look at the resources at PDA society as we found their behavioural adaptations (low demand) worked best for us.

[bugsymalonemumof2]

@lannistunut

I need him to hold it together just ten more minutes Why? Why do you need the ten minutes?

To collect his sister and somewhere he can run around. It's too crowded where her classroom is so I need to get him, get her and then there is a big heath he can run around on 30 seconds from the school gate. He ran in front of a car in the car park last week.

[mathanxiety]

You clearly need a lot more support and information than you have been given up to now in dealing with his behaviour.

Are there any local FB groups you could join? Any groups posting notices at your local library? Could your GP signpost you to support?

Stop feeling mortified. What your DS is doing is not a reflection on your parenting and he's not doing what he does in order to get under your skin. Don't take it personally.

Make sure he has eaten enough at lunch in school, and possible bring him a snack and drink to nibble and sip and occupy him as soon as you retrieve him from the school door. It might offer enough distraction to keep him from impulsive behaviour while you wait for DD.

[mountainsunsets]

@bugsymalonemumof2

To collect his sister and somewhere he can run around. It's too crowded where her classroom is so I need to get him, get her and then there is a big heath he can run around on 30 seconds from the school gate. He ran in front of a car in the car park last week.

Is there no way you can collect his sister first?

[QOD]

ask for permission to grab him 5 mins early or last, get your dd first then him?
just try to not take him along when you get dd?
thinking as I type but they might agree for dd to race out ? how old is she?

[Sniffypete]

Or, school aren't giving you the full picture... possibly he could be still misbehaving at school, but some of the behaviour is ignored as there are 30 kids in the class.

[Onlinetherapist]

In addition to what others have said about masking, have a look at natural and logical consequences.

[AntlerRose]

@bugsymalonemumof2

To collect his sister and somewhere he can run around. It's too crowded where her classroom is so I need to get him, get her and then there is a big heath he can run around on 30 seconds from the school gate. He ran in front of a car in the car park last week.

I think you need to speak to the school, explain the coke bottle effect and ask for your daughter to be brought to you, or picked up first or you meet them both in reception.

[Sirzy]

@bugsymalonemumof2

To collect his sister and somewhere he can run around. It's too crowded where her classroom is so I need to get him, get her and then there is a big heath he can run around on 30 seconds from the school gate. He ran in front of a car in the car park last week.

So you and school need to work together to change the pick up so it isn’t a trigger for him.

can you collect him after his sister? Or have his sister ler out a different door away from crowds?

[Namechanger965]

My DD is very similar, impeccable behaviour at school but difficult at home (under assessment for ASD). I try to give her activities to occupy her and channel some of the energy. She likes to do the doh disco activities and dinosaur run videos that are on YouTube, they do them in school so she’s familiar with them and they seem to help her settle. She also has a playlist of songs on YouTube (Disney and kids one) which she spends ages dancing to. DD doesn’t really do quiet activities but I would try and find some activities he can do, like play doh, drawing to help him relax.

[Goldbar]

Can you bring a fidget toy or something for him to play with while you collect his sister? Or even a snack to start eating or his tablet? Just something to focus on there and then.

And then home via the park/playground to let off steam.

He sounds a bit like he's been holding it in and reached his absolute limit by the time you collect him. My DC is similar... no younger sibling to collect but come charging out of the classroom and does three laps of the playground before they will calm down.

[Summerfun54321]

Have you tried giving him a job or a task for the 10 minute walk? Or some kind of distraction or game? You’ll end up getting very tired and frustrated if you start thinking “why can’t he just do this” rather than “how can we make this easier for all of us”. Also is school pick up a massive over stimulation for him? Could you arrange to pick him up 5 minutes early?

[SkankingWombat]

I would also ask to collect his sister first. If you then just need to make it 30 seconds to the safe space to run about, greet him with a snack to occupy him and walk briskly. If he is bolting into the paths of cars, for me it would be worth the meltdowns to insist on hand holding every day as a family rule (for the sister too for fairness) until the safe space is reached. The few days/weeks of screaming (and not giving in!) whilst the new non-negotiable rule embeds would be worth it in the long run.

It is tough though OP. My DD1 is currently going through assessment for ADHD and ASD, and is also prone to angry post-school melt downs. Thankfully she tends to wait until we're home, where we can deal with it calmly in familiar surroundings without judgey eyes on us but it is still hard to manage.

[IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads]

DS was very similar at the sane age; also had EHCP, on CAMHS waiting just.

The way his (trujy wonderful) teacher explained it to me - you know how you can have a tiresome and tiring day at work, but you are polite to your colleagues? Then you come home and snap at your family??, Well DS is just doing that.

[Nephthys21]

@bugsymalonemumof2 you say he has a diagnosis but I would question this because global developmental delay is only appropriate for children under 5. By 6, childre should be referred to look at a more specific label if the problems have persisted. Most likely being ASD, ADHD and intellectual disability. It's a bit of a bugbear of mine that paediatricians often don't explain to parents that GDD is intended as a temporary diagnosis within the manual.

[megletthesecond]

I think you're setting yourself up for a fall.
He probably needs time and space to decompress at home.
I wasted years trying to get my dd to behave at home. It made things worse.

[Thatsnotmycar]

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads

DS was very similar at the sane age; also had EHCP, on CAMHS waiting just.

The way his (trujy wonderful) teacher explained it to me - you know how you can have a tiresome and tiring day at work, but you are polite to your colleagues? Then you come home and snap at your family??, Well DS is just doing that.

If DS has an EHCP MH provision can be included in section F without the need to sit on the normal waiting lists and for a longer period of time/more frequently than is often otherwise available. You may need to appeal in order to get it included though. And MH assessments can be part of an EHCNA, again without the need to sit on the normal waiting list.

[BadgerFace]

My eldest DD used to walk out of the reception classroom, see me and burst into tears which I found very embarrassing at the time. Often has meltdowns before I could get her out if the school gate. Her (wonderful) teacher used to tell me that that was the price I had to pay for the brilliance she had given in class all day. The fizzy coke bottle analogy is one which hit home at the time. DD is in year 5 now and was recently diagnosed with ASD.

DD improved in year one so hold on in there and hopefully his emotional regulation will become easier for him to manage. Try some of the great adjustment or distraction ideas from the other posters and good luck.

[ThePontiacBandit]

Hi, I have ASD and ADHD. I strongly suspect DD does too. We have this behaviour. Sometimes I’ve literally seen her crumple at the sight of me in the pick up queue at school.
Someone recommended The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It was incredibly helpful to me - both as a neuro-diverse parent with an explosive child. The book doesn’t focus on any particular diagnosis but helps you identify the main issues you have and strategies for dealing with them.
For us, it was bedtimes/lack of sleep: we tried a variety of strategies to help her get to sleep earlier. Then other things for easier likely getting her up in the morning, brushing her teeth…I agree with pp. This after school collection isn’t working for you all. Talk to school about alternative strategies - picking him up earlier or later, I think basically you need to remove the additional stimulation of his peers all leaving at the same time, that’s very stimulating and noisy. A different time might help.