What’s a normal level of involvement with nieces and nephews?

[drunkinthebackofthecar]

Trying to sense check if me and DH are being unreasonable here!

We’ve just come away from a weekend with my extended family. My sister had my niece about 18 months ago. I’m one of 5, so there’s a lot of us, and we all live quite spread out, so it’s only the 3rd time we’ve ALL been together with my niece since she was born (although we’ve all seen her more than that). I came away feeling a bit confused and drained as I found that my siblings - particularly my 2 brothers - were just OBSESSED with my niece! It was a bit overwhelming - constant need for everyone to get down on the floor and play with her, pass her things and pass her from one to the other… when my sister and her husband put baby to bed they all had an argument over who got to read her a story and it meant my sister said she could have 3 stories. By the last one niece was clearly over tired and was crying.

It was like this the whole weekend! They’re just completely obsessed with her. I think she’s really sweet and I like spending time with her but I’m able to focus on other things when she’s in the room - I just felt like no one was having any kind of conversation. My sister even thanked me at the end of the weekend for making so much of an effort to chat to her about her work!

Anyway, in the car on the way home DH and I were discussing how OTT we found it. Then we were wondering if we’re the odd ones out maybe we’re in the wrong! Is it normal to be so obsessed with nieces/nephews?

Weird behaviour by fully grown adults!

Glad someone else thinks so! I found it all a bit cringe!

Definitely weird !

My DB and DSis are both much younger (both <18) so still live with parents and will see my DS when DM looks after him 2 days each week.

DSIL is older and adores him. She is our childcare for 1 day each week.

DSIL will also message to see how he is getting on outside of this arrangement but my siblings would not.

Also from a large family so have loads of N&N's. I wouldnt say obsessed but I am very involved in their lives, read them bedtime stories when I see then, know what's going on in their lives etc.

A few were born before my DC but the majority are the same age so I spend a lot of time with them!

I'd find that a bit odd too.

I'm one of five. Between us we have nine children. We do congratulations cards, attend the christening if there was one, and buy presents for the first few Christmases, but no offers to babysit or putting babies to bed.

I guess each family has its own normal.

i don’t think they’re being abnormal particularly - each to their own! Can there even be a ‘normal’ level of engagement, when people vary so widely?!

Good for you for paying your sister some attention though. It’s tough when everyone focuses on the baby!

I have a large family.
I have 20+ nieces and nephews.
When they were younger I was very involved in their life. Dd1 was the same age.
Now they are grown up with children of their own I'm still involved in their life. Dd2 is the same age as their children.
I'm particularly close to several of my nieces we go on nights out and I watch their children and they regularly have sleepovers at my house.

Everyone's experience will be different and depend on family dynamics.

But yeah, that sound really OTT. I take it don't yet have their own children? Did they have wives/gf's there?

All sounds rather competitive between them, have they always been?

Is this the first baby?

I don't think there is such a thing as normal with nieces and nephews, families are all different, some live together, others far away etc.

That said the dynamic here seems odd. Do these people like to try and outperform each other in general?

I was also going to ask if it was the first baby. They'll chill out a bit with the second. It's the novelty.

Probably normal if it's the first baby? Was a bit like this in our family. No one cared about my second 😂

I don't think there is a right or wrong. I don't get why you are annoyed though, isn't it good that some adults were more interested in the baby so that the ones that were less interested could have time to talk? I'd love someone to be really interested in my dc so I could have a peaceful chat to my sister at a family gathering.

Yes! That’s the dynamic in my family, always has been. A family of performers through and through 🙄

No this is first baby, one brother has a girlfriend who was there and was enjoying the baby too, the other is single.

Maybe everyone will chill out when there’s another one, I hope so! I thought it would be different by now though, 18 months is hardly a novelty at this point!

It’s definitely first baby novelty, and it even winds down when the baby gets older IME - DBro loved playing with DS when he was a toddler and a super receptive audience (toddlers basically laugh at everything don’t they?). DS is now 5 and while DBro likes seeing him and talking about Lego etc (and DS absolutely idolises him), that performative lunatic stuff just doesn’t work any more.

I don't think there is a normal really, it will differ massively person to person.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to not be obsessed with her, but I don't think they're being unreasonable to love her so much either. Each to their own.

Your sister probably had a lovely weekend, handover childcare to the Uncles and have a bit of proper conversation with you. Win win!

@Changechangychange ”performative lunatic” stuff is exactly the word!!!! They’ve always been a bit intense about trying to be the centre of attention and I think a baby is the perfect audience right now. That’s a wonderful description! I’m going to have to say that to my mum, it’ll make her laugh!

I think I’ve just realised why it bothered me, even though it shouldn’t. I felt like I didn’t get to see my brothers and other sister this weekend even though we were together the whole time, because they were so intensely focussed on our niece. It just feels like a shift from the dynamic of all getting to catch up - especially when we’re so rarely all together. Ah well! Times change and we do see them individually.

Would you consider your brothers to be extremely competitive? Are the men in your family used to overriding the wishes and priorities of the women?

Adding a baby in will obviously change the dynamic.

sounds like your neice is a lucky child to be surrounded by loving family

This feels like an overdramatic response. It’s not just my brothers - we’re all attention seeking and love the spotlight! One brother is an actor and my little sister is a musician like my father, so it runs in the family! Nothing to do with overriding any women’s wishes.