To tell my DCs to just go!

[Athyrium]

I share custody of my DCs with exH. They are 15 and 16. This last year they have pushed back against having set times to change houses. They used to go to the next parent straight from school mid week, then at a similar sort of time they'd swap again at the weekend. However, things seem to have slowly changed such that they are now anywhere at anytime...which is many ways is great since both houses are their homes and they should be free to come and go. Or should they?? Because it's driving me potty. I never know when they are going to arrive or when they are going to leave and we end up with me getting stressed and telling them just to go. Im someone who just needs to know what's going on and when so this is causing me major stress! But they are taking it as I don't want them here. AIBU? Or would this free flow stress anyone out?

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

If they let you know where they were and loosely what their plans were, you would find it easier to relax.

What strikes me us that neither of their parents might know where they are for substantial chunks of time. If your kids are responsible types that might not be a problem but...it is not ideal. I think you and your ex need to agree that the current freewheeling arrangement can continue ONLY if they report where they are and when they will be home.

[Athyrium]

@NoSquirrels Oops yep....however what Im trying to convey is that they wont stick to times I give them. They prefer to do what they want aka free flow.

[girlmom21]

@Athyrium

Not just that, but I found out yesterday that the pair of them changed plans, checked in with their dad who told them it was fine for them to stay here later...no one asked me if it was fine!

But why do you need to know, other than the need for control?

[Athyrium]

@Coyoacan Neurosis? Bit harsh!😆

[NoSquirrels]

@Athyrium

But thats my point - they will not give me times, ever!

Read that quoted post back again.

You give THEM the times. Then if they don’t show you carry on regardless.

Ask them to do ‘share my location’ if it’s a safety issue you’re worried about. But you do need to manage your anxiety on that.

[Athyrium]

Not just that, but I found out yesterday that the pair of them changed plans, checked in with their dad who told them it was fine for them to stay here later...no one asked me if it was fine!

[Athyrium]

@carefullycourageous

Sorry, this is your issue.

You say to them 'On Wednesday you either tell me by x time you are in for tea, or you get sandwiches for yourself' and stop fretting. You need to try to manage this internally I think.

You can give them a latest time to leave/be back IMO at their age, especially on a school night, just like any other curfew.

But thats my point - they will not give me times, ever!

[Coyoacan]

Yeap, I think you've got to find a way of dealing with your neurosis. I have a similar problem. My adult daughter and dgd live with me and dd is extremely impunctual.I drives me bonkers but it is my problem not hers

[TheVeryThing]

Surely at that age they are coming & going anyway. Why do you need to wait for them?
you can tell them that if they don’t text you by a certain time you won’t be cooking for them, maybe keep some pizzas, garlic bread etc in the freezer.

[YukoandHiro]

OP I think you need to read your original post back and try very hard to put yourself in their shoes. I know this is a safe space but they will be picking up on the way you're feeling.
You are basically saying that they are an inconvenience in your home.
You and ex H chose to split. It's upon both of you to make every accommodation to them to create a loving and welcome home . It's not their job to make your life easier

[XtinaCaligulara]

@Athyrium

@XtinaCaligulara So my feelings/wishes don't count?? Not sure that's a good life lesson for them.

When those feelings and wishes are unreasonable yes.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

So I agree with a pp - they can be where they like but they need to communicate about it.

[carefullycourageous]

@Athyrium

@XtinaCaligulara So my feelings/wishes don't count?? Not sure that's a good life lesson for them.

Your wishes are unreasonable, IMO. your feelings are not their problem, because they are about your unreasonable wishes.

[GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]

I understand where you’re coming from. I’m someone who needs to know what’s going to be happening/ what to expect to.

i think you need a chat with them about a rough schedule and the need to let you know if they’re changing from that. Just to let you know the shape of things in advance.

[mountainsunsets]

@Athyrium

@mountainsunsets They are both shite at comms

Then that's what you need to work on, but at their ages they should be free to come and go as they please, really.

[Teacherontherun]

As someone whose parents divorced when I was young we had this very set up. We didn't have set days at either house and could pick and chose, me and my siblings often in different houses. I can't tell you how much I valued this as a child. Never feeling like I was picking sides or being told what to do. We didn't chose to have divorced parents but I wouldn't change it for the world now. My parents, I know mum I'm particular did find it frustrating sometimes not always knowing who was where but she acknowledge that was the pay off for happy kids. She did make it clear that the only expectation was if we were home for tea at 5.30. It was fine if not but no hot food cooked after then

[carefullycourageous]

Sorry, this is your issue.

You say to them 'On Wednesday you either tell me by x time you are in for tea, or you get sandwiches for yourself' and stop fretting. You need to try to manage this internally I think.

You can give them a latest time to leave/be back IMO at their age, especially on a school night, just like any other curfew.

[Athyrium]

@mountainsunsets They are both shite at comms

[Athyrium]

@XtinaCaligulara So my feelings/wishes don't count?? Not sure that's a good life lesson for them.

[TootsAtOwls]

Can't you just carry on with your life as normal? Other than meals I can't see what difference it makes?

What does "waiting" for them to go or arrive actually entail?

[MolliciousIntent]

This is your issue to fix, don't project it onto your kids.

[mountainsunsets]

@Castleheights

It matters because if they go missing or are hurt nobody is expecting them … of course yanbu

They have phones though? Surely they just need to text saying where they are?

[Threelittlelambs]

This is life with teens.

you need to sort yourself out.

i waited in one day a few years ago, turned out DD was surfing miles away! I remember think Sod that!

they either message they are hime for tea and you will provide or you assume they aren’t and crack on.

[Castleheights]

It matters because if they go missing or are hurt nobody is expecting them … of course yanbu

[XtinaCaligulara]

@Athyrium

The problem is I just can't settle to anything if I'm either waiting for them to arrive (it might take 2 hours to do so) or waiting for them to leave (same again.) I don't know why, it just does my head in never knowing who is where.

That's the definition of a you problem

Don't pass your issues onto them

If they have a key and know how to use an oven there is 0 reason to worry or stress