To tell my DCs to just go!

[Athyrium]

I share custody of my DCs with exH. They are 15 and 16. This last year they have pushed back against having set times to change houses. They used to go to the next parent straight from school mid week, then at a similar sort of time they'd swap again at the weekend. However, things seem to have slowly changed such that they are now anywhere at anytime...which is many ways is great since both houses are their homes and they should be free to come and go. Or should they?? Because it's driving me potty. I never know when they are going to arrive or when they are going to leave and we end up with me getting stressed and telling them just to go. Im someone who just needs to know what's going on and when so this is causing me major stress! But they are taking it as I don't want them here. AIBU? Or would this free flow stress anyone out?

[Darbs76]

Get a key box, get some pizza for the freezer and job done. Tell them you won’t be cooking on handover day as they frequently don’t turn up.

[CallMeLinda]

I don't think you are being entirely unreasonable. You are entitled to a life as well. If you know your teens aren't going to be at home, you can make plans around that.

[PortalooSunset]

How can telling your children to leave be taken any other way as you not wanting them there?! You are being grossly unreasonable

[TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination]

@Athyrium

The problem is I just can't settle to anything if I'm either waiting for them to arrive (it might take 2 hours to do so) or waiting for them to leave (same again.) I don't know why, it just does my head in never knowing who is where.

I'm the same.

I think some testing would locate my spot on a spectrum, and it would probably help! But in the meantime I just cope with my 'ways'.

what does your Ex think about it?!

I also see it as a safety issue. An adult needs to know if they're not where they're supposed to be!!

if you ex is on board with it, then they need to be told xyz you're here, abc you're there. Any changes are organised between the adults. Not teenagers who will use this loose arrangement to be wherever they want to be, with whoever they want to be with. That's not safe. Or wise.

[neilyoungismyhero]

Rude and disrespectful comes to mind here. I'm clearly old school reading a lot of the PP, but wouldn't tolerate this crap from them, treating their/your home like it's a hotel, in and out when they feel like it, raiding the fridge with mates, buggaring off and leaving their shit everywhere for the OP to clear up.. I think you're right OP you need to sit them down and talk about a few boundaries here, they clearly rule the roost and are treating you like some sort of housekeeper.

[ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat]

@Midlifemusings bloody hell, I don't think the OP is "highly strung" and "anxious" just wants a bit of clarity about coming and going. I think the fact that its two homes is irrelevant. When mine are old enough to come and go I will be expecting them to give me some warning and courtesy, regardless of hormones, friends or anything else. The OP isn't asking for a strict schedule, just some communication.

[Pava22]

Give them a key and ask them for a courtesy text to say on my way home don't wait or. Will be home for dinner tonight etc

[focuspocus]

@girlmom21

My 16 year old texted me this the other day: 'Please let us know if you are going out at handover time.'

Tell him not to be a snarky little shit and remember his key.

@Athyrium and ask that he extend the same curtesy of communication to you.

I see posts on SM about teens causing trouble outside and the parents being blamed for not knowing or caring where they are and here you are expected not to know or care. 🤷‍♀️

You shouldn't have to be a doormat and cope with everything in order for your children to feel welcome in your home. Sorry I've got no advice to give in how to change that.

[Heronwatcher]

@Athyrium the keys thing is ridiculous! I had a key from 11 and knew to use it. You’re not a receptionist. That’s got to stop. TBH I would even avoid a key safe or similar until they reliably use their own, otherwise you’ll just end up losing thousands of keys as they’ll use it every time! Give them a key and if they arrive home unexpectedly without it they wait outside until it’s convenient for you to return home. It might seem harsh but it’s a useful life lesson- they’ll have to do this when they leave home.

[Athyrium]

@Heronwatcher They have both had keys for years but frequently dont bother bringing them because there appears to be the expectation that I should/will be there to let them in.
@Aubriella I am already pretty much doing that! We no longer have family meals and they often fend for themselves because I have given up cooking for them since so much of it goes in the bin if I do. The result of this is that I doubt if either of them can remember the last time they ate a vegetable.

Gah, it's bloody ridiculous. Re-set day today!

[Aubriella]

@Athyrium

But thats my point - they will not give me times, ever!

If they don’t give times, then they don’t get meals. They can help themselves to toast and fruit.

Don’t wash their clothes.

Any mess gets out in a bin bag and tell it eill be binned if not sorted within 34 hours.

You need to get tough.

[Heronwatcher]

I can see that this might be difficult but I think it is part and parcel of them getting older. I think you need to let go of the reins a bit, give them a key and let them fend for themselves- for example when it comes to food, if they don’t respond to a text message tell them you’ll assume the negative (i.e they don’t want dinner/ a lift etc) and follow through (so don’t cook them dinner “just in case”). Without wanting to sound harsh I also think that you may need to think about whether your own life is as full as it could be, do you have hobbies, good friends or just time where you’re happy doing your own thing? If you’re happy and busy chances are this probably won’t bother you so much.

[Soakitup37]

”you’re being given the responsibility of independence, I don’t mind you coming and going but check in with me so I know you’re ok”

give them some ground rules, if you’re coming home/to eat/ to sleep let me know so I can expect you. If I don’t hear from you I’ll assume you’re not and plans will be made for myself.

they’ll soon tag on if it means they miss out oily food or seeing you and get better at communicating.

this should be liberating for you to regain your own time to come and go as you please too.

this mostly sounds like you’re not ready for this time in all your lives.

[Midlifemusings]

It soudns like you are an anxious high strung person who likes a lot of strucutre and routine and your kids and ex are very different from that.

Professional help to navigate this and to add a little flexibility to your own thinking and life and to manage your anxiety would help you in the end. Most 15 and 16 year olds are focused on themselves and don't care that much about being proactive and planning ahead to assuage mom's anxiety.

The divorced parent homes that I know where the kids are happiest and best adjusted are those where the kids come and go as they wish versus the rigid schedule.

Even if your kids lived with you full time they might not always be there for dinner on time or might show up with friends.

I think you need to find a compromise. They have the brains and development of teens and you have very high anxiety - work with a therapist to find a plan that takes both into account.

[category12]

Yes, it's the larger issue of respect that's the problem. I hope the talk goes well.

You need to have some boundaries - if they're cheeky like telling you to be in and things, then you need to pull them up on it at the time, and not turning up to meals is rude. Flexibility is good, but they're taking you for granted a tad.

[Sarahcoggles]

I would find this difficult too OP.

I'm a single parent and there's no dad around, but we had a fair bit of teen to'ing and fro'ing over the summer, and it's a right pain. The kids would go out, come back at a meal time but they'd have eaten already, or they'd come back in the evening and want tea, or they'd want to go out just as I was serving a meal. They announce they needed a lift somewhere at random times. They're at the mercy of their mates and their teen hormones. It meant I couldn't settle to things. I accepted it as it's what teen do, and it was the summer holidays, but if this was my life long term I'd find it bloody hard.

I think you need to sit them down and make some ground rules. Like they need to reply if you call or text them. If they're going to want a meal they need to give you a certain amount of notice. If they're going to be at their dads overnight then you need to know by a certain time in the evening etc. I imagine the moving around will diminish as the evenings get cold and dark.

[Athyrium]

@marlowe5 Thank you so much for your replies, I was a bit dispirited by how many other posts thought it was purely my issue and that I'm being neurotic. Constantly being on stand-by is exactly how it feels. I didn't realise quite how fed up I was until I started typing last night, and I think perhaps it's not just the coming and going and expectation that I should be here at all times, I think it's a bigger issue of a lack of respect for me that's getting to me. I like to have a light hearted relationship with the children and we do laugh a lot, my ex is very stern...but fun doesn't have to mean walkover so I plan to sit them down today and have a chat about it all, about how they are at dads, how they are at mine, and see if we can reach an understanding that how they treat me and this house is not always very nice!

[marlowe5]

Just reflecting on this OP in the light of your thread title. No I wouldn't tell them to go... I would just set your parameters, as you are in charge in your own home. Sometimes it's the case that you are the safe parent where they behave badly because your ex may be tricky - controlling them to do what he wants by money/bribing doesn't sound great to me. I think teens need clarity and to know you won't let them exploit - and they respect that adults are clear about their own boundaries. I think that's what's difficult here.. as well as your ex of course! Good luck. I hope it sorts out for you, but as some others say, you have a right to some nights where you can guarantee your own time and space without being on standby duty!

[marlowe5]

Nope this is just rude and I am with you OP. It wouldn't work for their friends or future partners I'm sure, so why should you accept it? If DPs were doing this we would all say it wasn't ok so why should it be ok for DC? Sounds to me like they are being selfish and failing to respect you as a separate person with a life rather than just a facilitator of anything they want, and they may perhaps playing on a situation of split parent guilt. I couldn't tolerate this, however much I recognise that it's hard for DC in this situation. It's fine I think for us as parents to be clear about our boundaries of tolerance and I'm sure that will be better for them in the long run to know they can't just be inconsiderate of others whether mothers, wider family or friends. Yes it's your family home but it's your house and I think you can state your personal boundaries on this.

[jeaux90]

Utterly ridiculous.

My partner has 50/50 with his ex. His DS is now 17 and drives. It's still a Friday handover.

[Athyrium]

@ClaryFairchild Exh pays them stupid amounts of money for chores...whereas i feel that they should do them because we are a family unit where everyone should chip in. And I can't match what he pays anyway. ExH is much stricter than me I admit, but from what I can remember from when we were together, it's not particulalry pleasant. Im almost wondering, from mulling things over during this thread, whether they hold it all together for dad and then relax when they come here. They do seem to pay him more heed. But then (believe it or not!) Im the chilled parent. (Apart from knowing whats going on of course!!)

[ChsmpagneWannaBe]

OP I get it.
This is not fair in you and how you run your household.
No you don't have to be ok with this.
Your dC are not showing you any respect if they did he might be different.

Why are they swapping and changing? Is one location better for something?

If they want to come and go then stop cooking. Have things they can make themselves but you only cook on your nights and if they don't come home it goes in the fridge or freezer for leftovers.
But they really are taking the piss
Maybe a chat about new arrangements with your ex.

[vdbfamily]

I think they are old enough to be responsible for themselves without you hanging around for them. They are also old enough to get themselves some food if needed. If you prepare food that they do not appear for, put it in the fridge and they can eat it next day.
What you describe is not dissimilar to many families of teenagers.
The important thing is that they see both houses as their home and do not feel unwanted at either.

[Summerfun54321]

@Athyrium

@PeekAtYou I think you've hit on something there. Why did they let their dad know they were changing plans, but not me? I blew up at them today as they were (supposed to be) leaving for their dads. Most of that was because I have realised recently that they are tidy at their dads, but treat this house like a shit hole...they do chores at their dads but wont here (he has out priced me.) They seem to be model children there and slobs here.

Because he sets clear expectations and is rational and approachable?

Why are you “blowing up at them” because you are stressed? Just make some sensible fair rules and give them consequences if they don’t stick to them.

[AthenaPopodopolous]

Why don’t you just tell them to move in full time with their Dad. I think this situation is maybe a sign that it’s time for them to move out. Yes, they’re young teens but why not? They seem to respect their fathers rules and boundaries more and just won’t listen to you. plus you can get on with your own life. People may think that’s selfish but I think it’s reasonable given the circumstances and they seem happy at their Dads.
Do you have any other children at home OP?