To feel crowded out of my own life?

[PurplePeach83]

Advice from parents of Neuro diverse children and/or families with 3+ children would be particularly welcome here.
I have 4dc aged 8 to 18. The younger 2 are ND.

Every day i feel like I don't have room for my own self and identity to exist, like I don't even have space in my own head to even consider what I might like to do for myself for 10 minutes of the day. It feels almost like going through the newborn stage again, in terms of how consumed I am feeling being a parent atm.

DH is very supportive, works from home, splits housework etc, and is also very involved with DC, but he is the higher earner so works full time and therefore there is only so much time he can give.

After a morning spent accommodating our younger DC's specific and sometimes conflicting needs and trying to soothe their meltdowns, the moment I sit down with a cup of tea, one of my teens will start complaining about something without even asking if it's a good time. Eg. They'll come into the room huffing angrily 'Why am I so spotty today?' 'Whats for dinner?' 'Youll never guess what happened to me at work yesterday!'

Yes, I understand teens need their parents a lot emotionally, but it's as though they feel they own me, like I should be on call 24/7. If I respectfully request we talk later, they mope off and make me feel guilty, and therefore unable to truly enjoy my meagre 10 minutes to put my feet up that I'd been looking forward to all morning.

Meals are often restricted to a few family favourites due to sensory issues, it's easier and cheaper to cook the same/similar for everyone, but it means i rarely get to eat the things I'd like to.

The younger 2 have sleep issues so despite implementing a solid bedtime routine, they get up frequently in the evenings due to funny noises/moths/not being able to sleep. Once they're finally asleep, I usually get teens shouting at me because they're stressing about friends/school/work etc. 'Wheres my tie?' 'My chargers broken!' 'Why don't I have my school timetable yet?' If I offer advice or reminders, it's usually ignored, laughed at or rejected, but if I don't offer advice they complain I don't help them enough.

I've had to give up full time work to homeschool my youngest as she couldn't cope with mainstream school and wasn't offered any alternative. She was too anxious to attend school and the LA were threatening me with non attendance procedures. I work a part time admin job now from home but even this gets constantly interrupted...

How do I set some much needed boundaries? AIBU for even thinking it's possible for me to have any time, space or thoughts for myself in this situation? Is this my life now? Does anyone else find it's possible to have a fulfilling job/life of their own in a similar situation? Even right now I've got dc2 knocking on the bedroom door 😂

[ohsotired2022]

Testing

[ohsotired2022]

Sorry, been having technical issues.

I have 3 DC. 2 are ASD.

I totally get how you feel.

What works for me is running and ignoring some demands.

I love having the headspace when I run and the fact no one can ask anything of me.

Seriously if I was you I would find an exercise you can do out of the house and stuck with it 3-4 times a week.

It's so hard. It sounds especially tough that you now have to homeschool. Massive hugs.

[Notreallyhappy]

Where you spend all day planning and working around everyone else, you need to plan 1/2 hour for you...get your shoes on and get out. Put it in the diary / calender. Tell your teens it's time to grow help and understand others needs. I expect they are generally OK but it's when your having your time it's mum,mum,mum...
For a short time in the day tell those who can help themselves your out of office.

[GoneWithTheWine1]

Leave them with your husband over the weekend.

Book yourself an overnight hotel stay. Once a month. Have YOU time.

I have two DC with Sen needs with zero support/help from family. I totally understand where your coming from.

[Theillustratedmummy]

I have 2 asc dc. You have to be selfish. The guilt remains but you just have to ride it out. Your dh is your team mate and you need to tell him that you are having time out and tag team. Your older dc can help with the younger 2.

Plan in time to do something for you just as you would plan the dc day. Even if its to sit in your room alone. If I'm doing something and my dc come to me I tell them plainly I'm busy go away. It sounds blunt but they need it straight. At first they would stand outside my door and moan and winge but I ignore it.
I work part time. My dc don't really like childcare and one dc in particular would probably be better if she didn't go and I stayed at home but its not financially viable, even if it was id still work. Without that outlet I'd be unable to meet her needs the rest of the time. So it balances out. I understand its not as easy as that for everyone and obviously if your dc can't cope at school you don't have that option. However as awful as it is sometimes I have to be honest with my dc and myself that I cannot and the world cannot meet their needs all the time, I cannot and the world will not bend for them all the time. Sometimes they will have to be in a situation that is uncomfortable and hard. I know it well because I too am autistic and had to learn to live in the world we have. My mum worked full time and had an active social life so I had to learn to get on and deal with my own shit.
I love my dc with all my heart and id do anything I can to help and support them but I am a human being and so are you. You cannot meet their every single need every time simple as that.

[PurplePeach83]

Thanks @ohsotired2022 . I've always fancied running, but I've always had a sizeable chest so find it uncomfortable and feel self conscious. I'd love to join a gym but now I'm working part time, it's not something we can afford right now. I'll definitely consider power walking or something though.

[PurplePeach83]

@Theillustratedmummy Yes, I think you're right. It's nice to hear that I should be more selfish, I always feel so guilty to tell them not now, but I'm probably wrong to.

[PurplePeach83]

@Notreallyhappy thanks for your understanding. Dc1 is off to uni in a few weeks and dc2 is doing GCSEs this year, so I doubt I'll be getting much in the way of help from them unfortunately, but yes, I think I need to make a do not disturb sign to put on the door or failing that, one on my head!

[BecauseICan22]

Hello lovely OP, what a tough time you're having.

I have 3 children, 14, 10 and 8.

My 14 year old is most definitely on the spectrum and we are pursuing her assessment.

My 10 year old has just had a diagnosis for Aspergers or ASD disorder and is now being assessed for ADHD.

My 8 year old is ND but very emotional, needy and sensitive due to the time I have to put into her sister.

I also work full time, my sector is Law and I have zero family support outside of my DH who married this year. He is fantastic with the children and very supportive.

I find the suffocating, all consuming and distressing nature of my middle daughters ASD, debilitating sometimes. When she's having her millionth meltdown I feel numb inside and often don't know internally what to do anymore. Externally I parent, nurture, soothe and support.

I find my oldest daughters self esteem, anger and friendship issues as well as her rigid routine, inability to be at all flexible and very limited diet utterly exhausting.

I find my youngest daughters whining, whinging, constant attention seeking and crying over the smallest thing infuriating and depressing.

However, I love them all more than life itself and I'll keep doing this grind so that I do all that is in my power to ensure they continue to have a secure attachment at home, work through their problems and hopefully they'll go on to be healthy and joyful adults. They are often joyful little people now and those pockets of sunshine they bring absolutely help.

Within that I outsource. I have a cleaner twice a week. I use structured childcare (youngest goes to CM after school she loves it and it means I can breathe and focus on her sister if I need to), I try and take time to have lunch with my DH or dinner just the two of us or a movie so that I'm doing something for our relationship.

And ultimately, even if it's only once a month I go off and eat somewhere alone. It might only be Nandos but I take my time, I order what I want, I people watch or read and then I go home and do it all over again.

You CAN do this. You already are. Be kind to yourself please and ask for help. Be a little selfish, it really will make you a better parent for them with more tolerance and energy.

[BecauseICan22]

Meant to say my 8 year old is NT.

[PurplePeach83]

@GoneWithTheWine1

Leave them with your husband over the weekend.

Book yourself an overnight hotel stay. Once a month. Have YOU time.

I have two DC with Sen needs with zero support/help from family. I totally understand where your coming from.

I did this last weekend and stayed with my brother. Unfortunately it made the situation worse as he has no DC at all and can be quite judgemental about my life, he just doesn't understand what my day to day life is like and thinks I'm underachieving. DM lives a days travel away so not ideal for a night or two and sadly we can't afford a hotel, though it sounds blissful!

[PurplePeach83]

'And ultimately, even if it's only once a month I go off and eat somewhere alone. It might only be Nandos but I take my time, I order what I want, I people watch or read and then I go home and do it all over again'.

LOVE this idea! I'll definitely be doing this, and maybe a solo cinema trip occasionally.

[Zuyi]

Sports bras have improved a lot, OP, especially in the D-H cup range. If you gave up on them years ago, they're worth another try.

[ElephantLover]

I have 2 NT DC, one 15 and one 8 years old. I feel the same as you even though I have only 2 to deal with as against your 4. So I completely understand. Some days I refuse to speak to either after 9pm (my teen loves to 'chat' post 10pm!!). It sounds rude but it's the only way I can cope at the end of the day when my patience has run out. I find that the wide difference in ages makes parenting harder as we have to constantly switch modes - one minute dealing with a broken barbie and the other minute with period problems with the teen.
Carve out your time and protect it even if the kids are upset. They need to understand you need your space.

[PurplePeach83]

Sports bras have improved a lot, OP, especially in the D-H cup range. If you gave up on them years ago, they're worth another try.

Thanks @Zuyi I'll definitely reassess. It has been a while. Any recommendations?

[PurplePeach83]

Thanks @ElephantLover . Sorry to hear you are feeling similar, but reassuring to hear from so many of you that it's ok to tell kids that I want some f#*!ING space!!! would like a bit of time for me.🙂

[GrumpyPanda]

@PurplePeach83

Thanks @ohsotired2022 . I've always fancied running, but I've always had a sizeable chest so find it uncomfortable and feel self conscious. I'd love to join a gym but now I'm working part time, it's not something we can afford right now. I'll definitely consider power walking or something though.

Second pp on sports bras (not in the UK so can't recommend brands.) Also, being uncomfortable suggests you're bouncing up and down too much when running which is uneconomical and bad for your joints. Personally I've been working on my running style - staying grounded at all time, gently rolling, pushing forward rather than up.

[Buildingthefuture]

Just come on to say M&S sports bras are really good and not stupidly expensive. Like you, I have a sizeable chest, so I layer a sports crop top over it. That keeps everything strapped down whilst I’m running!

[tattychicken]

Yes M and S for sports bras!
I have similar, 4DC, eldest is diagnosed ASD. C25K is great, gets you out of the house on your own. I listen to music, podcasts, audiobooks or sometimes juts listen to the birds and the sound of my own laboured breathing.
Just half an hour makes such a difference.

[Wardrobes123]

I tend to find the older teen always waits until it’s quiet to talk to me, which I find frustrating if I’ve been busy all day but they tend to want that one to one attention.

you definitely need to carve out time for you, but possibly also for your older teens too. I know you must find it incredibly difficult managing the two younger ones - is it possible that after your DH finishes work, you get half an hour with the older two - before then making time for you?

Your brother is talking out of his arse - don’t go to him for support. It’s very easy to judge when you have no in-depth knowledge of the situation, which it’s clear he doesn’t.

I tend to find walking really therapeutic- a friend and I have a regular weekly walk, just us, no kids or family allowed. Gives is chance to blow off steam about them all before returning home!

you sound like a fantastic mum, and your children are clearly very loved and cared for. But you are important too.

[PurplePeach83]

Thanks so much to all of you posting with running and sports bra tips. Excited that running might be open to me after all.

[ofwarren]

Check out your local carers centre. Ours gives carers a free night or 2 in a hotel once a year or can give you a grant to get a massage or even a gym membership.
They are very helpful.

[tattychicken]

It really helps clear my head. I'm crap at it BTW, but I find the first 5 mins my head is chuntering away with lists of things to do and composing in my head the emails I need to send, and after 5 mins all I can think of is how to breathe and how to get to the next lamp post without stopping and when will i get my second wind as my chest is burning. And when it's over I feel great and like I've had a break from my own thoughts and worries.

[PurplePeach83]

I know you must find it incredibly difficult managing the two younger ones - is it possible that after your DH finishes work, you get half an hour with the older two - before then making time for you?

Thanks @Wardrobes123 Yes, I have actually said to them both that they are always welcome to come talk to me in the kitchen while I make dinner, but they never do. It seems to me they do want more time with me, but only whenever it suits them, with little regard for how I might be feeling at those times.

[PurplePeach83]

Thanks @ofwarren , I'll definitely look them up!