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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inviting cousins to birthday parties?

17 replies

chinuptitsoutonwards · 02/09/2022 11:26

DS wants to do a planned activity for his birthday (turning six).

Places for said activity are limited to five plus DS

His sister has no interest so we have said he can invite who he wants. He wants three school friends and two from extra curricular activities.

Told my Mum in passing who has told my sister and she is really put out her children aren't invited. DS loves his cousins but there is an age gap and this is his first 'friends' party.

His own sister isn't going but apparently I seem to have caused WW3. Have I missed family etiquette. They have been invited to previous years and will be invited for family tea.

I'm not cancelling/changing plans but DH is now on the back foot. I really don't think I'm unreasonable... am I? It's what DS WANTS to do.

OP posts:

Saschasparty · 02/09/2022 11:28

Can you have a ‘family tea party’ or something? Can be as big or as small as you’d like - just cake, tea and juice if that’s all you want. So that his family can celebrate his birthday as well.

tiggergoesbounce · 02/09/2022 11:28

Is it a normal thing to invite eachother? Has your DS been invited to the cousins party through the years?

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 02/09/2022 11:29

Surely people have a family tea party at some point to cover all bases?

MuggleMe · 02/09/2022 11:30

Nope, you can do something separate for family but when numbers are that restricted you're absolutely in the right. We're doing a big first part and have invited cousins at the expense of some children in DD's class, but they are close in age, get on well and are 3/25.

Amazongirl9 · 02/09/2022 11:31

Re frame the family tea as the party and the activity as just an activity with likeminded friends as a treat

Mrsjayy · 02/09/2022 11:33

Have the cousins round for some birthday cake or something its OK to just have friends for these things.

cptartapp · 02/09/2022 11:34

You're in the right IMO. We never mixed cousins with friends. Just because they're cousins doesn't mean they get on, let alone without an age gap.
Cousins will have their own opportunity to celebrate at family tea.
Set a precedent now or it will get even harder to stop the habit. Friends will take precedence as your DS grows and starts making his own choices.

Meraas · 02/09/2022 11:38

Your sister is being ridiculous.

How often did she invite your dc to her kids' activities? I'm guessing zero.

girlmom21 · 02/09/2022 11:38

You don't invite cousins to parties with limited numbers. Parties in a hall with a bouncy castle are a bit different but not if he can only have 5 friends.

Original poster

chinuptitsoutonwards · 02/09/2022 11:38

We are and have always done a family tea party! They always come round and we do a takeaway or a picnic with cake.

Our two have always been invited to their cousins but they've never had a small party, always a big soft play or farm affair.

With Covid this is DS' first party where he isn't a baby and DD has never really liked them so we've always kept them small (with cousins) but at home or somewhere local so yes I suppose they have always been invited.

OP posts:

viques · 02/09/2022 11:40

Nip in the bud now , or in thirty or so years you will have the same argument but this time because the cousins, their partners, their children and their dog haven’t been invited to the wedding breakfast…….. as someone up thread said, re frame the activity as a treat and a family tea party as the birthday celebration.

Original poster

chinuptitsoutonwards · 02/09/2022 11:41

Meraas · 02/09/2022 11:38

Your sister is being ridiculous.

How often did she invite your dc to her kids' activities? I'm guessing zero.

Lol, aside from birthday parties you have it in one.

Without being too revealing it's an event with reptiles (my idea of hell but each to their own!) and I know for a fact her children wouldn't like it. Not to mention one is significantly older. The whole thing has just baffled me.

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 02/09/2022 11:45

If you were having a full class party then I'd think you a bit mean. However with a total of 6, you don't say how many cousins but if they have 2, that's your 2 (as it would be wrong to leave dd out if cousins attend), 2 cousins, leaving 2 places for friends.... nah that's not the party he wants!

I had similar with my nieces, because 1 is close in age to 1 of mine it was expected that she was invited everytime. The fact that my child didn't actually like their cousins company - loud boistrous child vs my quiet shy one... (but didnt mind her quieter sister) didn't help. You just have to draw the line. It won't go away but I bet the invite isn't always reciprocated anyway (ours certainly wasn't!)

Original poster

chinuptitsoutonwards · 02/09/2022 11:49

There are three cousins in total on my side, two on DH’s but they live down south and don’t seem to be included in my sister’s ideals.

One of my sister’s is on a toddler though but she seems to be under the impression she should also come despite the event being five and up.

Thank you all, you have reassured me. I’m going to say they’re welcome to the family tea party and that he’s doing an activity with his friends.

OP posts:

PuttingDownRoots · 02/09/2022 11:50

DN has never been to DDs parties with school friends, and vice versa.

DD2 didn't go to DD1s this year. Or to her birthday treat as she wasn't old enough. She was disappointed but knows she will get her turn to do it when she's 11.

Sprogonthetyne · 02/09/2022 11:52

You don't invite cousins if your only allowed 5, many kids have more then 5 cousins anyway. Once they get to school it's normal for them to be much closer to their friends, it tends to only be younger children who are close friends with cousins, and only because they don't know many other children.

Maybe if your sisters kids are younger their still at an age where they think of yours as 'best friends' and the problem is that it isn't reciprocal. In a few years they cousins will have other friends too and your sister will feel ridiculous.

10HailMarys · 02/09/2022 11:59

Kids' birthdays have always just been a thing for friends in my family - we've never done 'family teas' for children, ever, and cousins have never been to the party with the kids' friends. So frankly you're already doing more than I'd have done! Your sister is being utterly ridiculous.

Reptile-based activity sounds GREAT! I'd have loved that when I was a child. Actually I'd love it now too; wonder if I can persuade DP to book one for my next birthday...

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