Our daughter recently got engaged to her long term boyfriend of 12 years. They're both in their 30s, working, and have been living together for quite a few years. My husband and I are both retired so no more money is coming in. We do still go on holidays, but don't have anything like as much money as we used to have. We happily paid for private education and private healthcare and plenty more for all our children and were happy to do so but AIBU to think that by now we've done our bit and our daughter should pay for her own wedding?
AIBU?
To not pay for my daughter's wedding?
WhereDidTheYearsGo · 30/05/2022 18:57
Supersimkin2 · 30/05/2022 20:56
No, you don’t need to pay.
But you can’t invite anyone - or think you have the right to make suggestions, either. You’re a guest like any other, so turn up on the day, don’t expect top table unless DD suggests it, and don’t hang around being gracious as Mother of The Bride. Or expect to be in most of the main pix.
Ditto DH - if he’s asked to give DD away, great, but that tends to be reserved for families who do help each other.
Invitations must be sent out from the hosts, in this case the bride and BF, not you and DH.
Make sure everyone knows the bride’s paying. Don’t accept any credit - pass it all smilingly to DD.
JinglingHellsBells · 02/06/2022 08:07
@Shellbelle123 I don't know where to start on your post.
Yes it's not the 1950s. I referred to recent weddings. And don't be so silly as to assume 1950s brides were virgins. That's a load of tosh.
Also, there are more young people up to age 35 living at home now because of the cost of housing than ever before.
Of course the OP has the 'right' to spend her money as she wants.
And no, all weddings do not have to be ridiculously expensive. Some are- a DC of mine went to one that had cost over £30K which they (thankfully) agreed was ridiculous.
Many people do still have the equivalent of a church hall and punch.
BUT and it's a big 'but'- most parents I know have a generosity of spirit and if they can help their kids with wedding costs, they do. I find the attitude of 'well, I've paid for your private ed (which they didn't have any say in) so that's IT ' a bit distasteful.
JinglingHellsBells · 02/06/2022 08:07
@Shellbelle123 I don't know where to start on your post.
Yes it's not the 1950s. I referred to recent weddings. And don't be so silly as to assume 1950s brides were virgins. That's a load of tosh.
Also, there are more young people up to age 35 living at home now because of the cost of housing than ever before.
Of course the OP has the 'right' to spend her money as she wants.
And no, all weddings do not have to be ridiculously expensive. Some are- a DC of mine went to one that had cost over £30K which they (thankfully) agreed was ridiculous.
Many people do still have the equivalent of a church hall and punch.
BUT and it's a big 'but'- most parents I know have a generosity of spirit and if they can help their kids with wedding costs, they do. I find the attitude of 'well, I've paid for your private ed (which they didn't have any say in) so that's IT ' a bit distasteful.
LuaDipa · 01/06/2022 07:42
I would want to contribute to my dc’s wedding (I have a ds and dd and agree that it’s old fashioned to only help with a dd’s wedding). In their circles, with many of their friends having gone to independent school with them very few will be footing the bill with no support from the parents.
I also very much dislike the ‘we paid for private school so my bit is done’ narrative. In most cases the kids didn’t ask for that or expect it, it was a decision taken by the parents. It’s pretty nasty to then say that because you did that ‘for them’ you never have to offer any help again. We pay for school for our kids but that was our choice. We’ll still be helping as much as we can as they grow up because they are our kids and that’s what parents do.
lilgrimmers · 01/06/2022 15:17
See now personally I would tell my kids to fuck off as even though they're
my kids if you pay for one wedding you will end up paying for all weddings
JinglingHellsBells · 31/05/2022 12:53
So you were a SAHM for all your life, not earning, and now want holidays over contributing to your DDs wedding?
Hmmmm............is all I can say.
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Marvellousmadness · 31/05/2022 05:41
It reads a bit cold....as in "she can pay for her own shit. Why should i"
My mum paid for the dress. And i love that she did! Doesnt have to be much. Def not the whole thing. Although some parents do but depends on your wealth and relationship
Supersimkin2 · 30/05/2022 20:56
No, you don’t need to pay.
But you can’t invite anyone - or think you have the right to make suggestions, either. You’re a guest like any other, so turn up on the day, don’t expect top table unless DD suggests it, and don’t hang around being gracious as Mother of The Bride. Or expect to be in most of the main pix.
Ditto DH - if he’s asked to give DD away, great, but that tends to be reserved for families who do help each other.
Invitations must be sent out from the hosts, in this case the bride and BF, not you and DH.
Make sure everyone knows the bride’s paying. Don’t accept any credit - pass it all smilingly to DD.
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