To not think I should have to have in laws staying overnight?

[olderandwiserx]

Dh loves to have his parents visit to see our young children and so he can enjoy time with them. They live quite far away and it's a bit too far for a day visit. I've suggested meet ups half way and us going to stay at there's but it is tricky with kids and work. We do sometimes stay at there's overnight but we have a little one, 18 months, and I find it's just easier not to.

Aibu that I like the privacy of my home and I don't like to have to keep rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like a mad woman, meal planning, shopping and playing host?

I don't for a minute mean I don't want us to see them, I love seeing them, just not such frequent overnight visits. Am I the abnormal one here?

[Furries]

Have only read OP posts. If their visits are for 1/2 nights, then I’d find a way to schedule them in to your year (working around school/work etc). Limit them to around four stays a year - maybe a bit longer if they stay over Christmas.

Then top it up with around 2 visits to stay with them. That way, you have a bit more control in your own home. Plus, you’re not packing everything to stay away. And you’re not doing the journey.

Yes, it can be a bit of a pain having others staying in your home. But if you’ve got a set number of visits (with a limit on the nights stayed), then you’re in a better place to plan - and you can, with practice, “guide” how the stay goes.

[Italiangreyhound]

I think 'you' don't need to go mad - you as a couple/family, not you personally.

[Italiangreyhound]

My in-laws came for a meal on Sunday. Dh cleaned the house and cooked the meal. I did the washing up. I love seeing them. I think you don't need to go mad on cleaning and your dh should definitely do loads of cooking and cleaning too!

[Ploppy1322]

Why on earth do you do all the work to host them, I'd happily let my in laws stay if DH wanted them to but he'd be the one doing the cooking, cleaning etc (which he knows and is probably why he never invites them).

[saraclara]

You misquoted and possibly misunderstood me, I said ‘the work of having someone to stay is nightmarish when you have kids that age’

How could I misquote you when I copied and pasted the quote?

And no, the work was not nightmarish when they came to stay with me. I got their room ready, and that was all. They ate what we ate and our house was in the same state it was when they weren't there. In return they occupied the kids, my MIL washed up etc, and my FiL did all my ironing. He loved ironing.

[BillyandMargot]

You sound like a massive whingebag tbh. You don't want to go to them because 'you have an 18 month old' which isn't really a reason but you also don't want them to come to you.. so why don't you send the 18 month old with their dad then you can stay home and not see your in laws at all.. then come back here in 2 years and say you have no baby sitters

[Huntswomanonthemove]

I wish posters wouldn’t talk about DHs “helping”. The word suggests that any sort of household job is women’s work and if a man can be persuaded to lift a finger he’s helping her.

[MiddleParking]

@saraclara

having someone to stay, or staying at theirs, is nightmarish when you have kids that age

How? My in-laws lived 2.5 hours away and we visited them at least every 5-6 weeks, and they'd come to us as often. We managed the baby, baby plus toddler, two toddlers and the stages upwards perfectly easily. Just as my SIL did with her two.

It seems that some people actively choose to make things hard work. Like the OP does.

Well, in my case because time, space and energy are very limited in my house (which is also now my permanent workplace, not through any choice of my own) while my kids are tiny and my husband and I have very full on jobs, and there are ten million things I’d rather be spending them on than overnight guests I’m unenthusiastic about. You misquoted and possibly misunderstood me, I said ‘the work of having someone to stay is nightmarish when you have kids that age’. Not the kids themselves. Some people do choose to make things hard work, yes - primarily, in this example, men who want hosting to happen in their house but aren’t remotely proactive about actually doing the work involved in said hosting.

[saraclara]

@Lalliella

YABU, but DH should help more.

So many people have said this, but OP has said herself that she doesn't really need to go over the top like this, and that its something that she imposes on herself.

If I had a spouse who was unnecessarily spending ten times as long as was needed in preparing for a visit, I'd be reluctant to do more than was strictly necessary, too.

It's not that he's not helping. He's doing what needs to be done, not what would be required for a royal visit, rather than 24 hours with his own parents.

[sillysmiles]

I do put a lot of pressure on myself to get house spotless. Dh does help out but only what he thinks needs doing......

It's important to recognise the pressure is coming from yourself and not anyone else for the house to be perfect. They are his family, so let him set the tone for the level that needs to be done. Then enjoy the company and the time your children have building relationships with their grandparents.

[Lalliella]

YABU, but DH should help more.

[Pat123dev]

Sorry, posted before I finished!
I don't like my ils staying and vice versa - they do my head in, but the joy my children get from the relationship is worth it.
Sack off the cleaning, ditch the Red carpet, they take you as you are or don't come. Dh could step up too!

[Pat123dev]

@olderandwiserx

Usually only for 1 or 2 nights. This will be the 4th or 5th time since last summer that they've stayed at ours or visa versa.

Yabu!!

[AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]

This sounds like my worst nightmare. I’d be booking them a nice BnB because one of the littlest ones was “going through a bad phase at night” and I’d hope they enjoyed the break and freedom and it became the normal habit.

[violetbunny]

I'm a bit similar in that I don't want people to judge me for having a messy house if they visit so will run myself ragged trying to get it pristine, whereas DP gives no fucks at all.

We have compromised by me saying I don't feel comfortable having people over unless XYZ is done as a bare minimum, and he needs to pull his weight in making that happen. So for example he is having a friend over this weekend and I've said fine so long as he makes up the room and hoovers/mops beforehand. I've lowered my standards a bit and DP also now knows any visitors means he needs to help ensure a basic level of cleanliness... not pristine but not a huge mess either.

[withgraceinmyheart]

We don’t have ILs to stay. Dh isn’t bothered and wouldn’t make any effort to host, so I’d end up doing all the work and I won’t anymore.

YANBU to say that if your DP wants his parents to stay he’s mainly responsible for hosting.

[LetsGoParty]

I think that's a lovely update too.
I hope you get to enjoy the visits more in future.

[gsaoej]

You need to force your dh to take more responsibility and mental load - because you have a very small child and hence years of this shit is going to pile onto you. By the time your kids are grown, you will feel like and look like a fucking wreck (and that is what has happened to me). The fact that I am totally broken has spurred my dh into action - 16 years too late.

[Zonder]

Two nights in July and two nights in December? That's really not a lot. Lower your standards and make sure dh pulls his weight. And book a date night for you both while they're there.

[saraclara]

That's a lovely update, OP. And yes, you clearly like your in-laws and they like you. I'm sure they'd be horrified to think that you put so much work on yourself before their visits. I'm sure they don't care about your house being immaculate.

[Changethetoner]

local B&B instead of staying with you?

[saraclara]

having someone to stay, or staying at theirs, is nightmarish when you have kids that age

How? My in-laws lived 2.5 hours away and we visited them at least every 5-6 weeks, and they'd come to us as often. We managed the baby, baby plus toddler, two toddlers and the stages upwards perfectly easily. Just as my SIL did with her two.

It seems that some people actively choose to make things hard work. Like the OP does.

[olderandwiserx]

For those that need to know exactly how many days. They stayed here for 2 nights, 3 days in July. We then stayed 1 night at there's ( can't remember what month) They came here on two separate occasions in Dec and now again this month.

I never said I don't want to stay at their place. I love seeing them and we do stay there. There are a few factors that make it tricky ( both dh and I agree on, travel sickness, pet care, work, other family commitments) not that I don't want to, 'we' decided it's difficult at moment.

We don't have a spare room, and not much space. Throw in kids and animals it's a bit hectic. However I wouldn't want them to have to stay in a hotel

I do put a lot of pressure on myself to get house spotless. Dh does help out but only what he thinks needs doing...... as someone on here said the mental load of it is on me. I think that's my issue as lots going on at moment. I'll just go with the flow next time. They will always love to see us no matter the state of the house, I'll do what I can without a 'mad' clean and that will have to do

Thanks for the honest replies, I think from now on we will visit them more

[Schoolchoicesucks]

Them visiting for 1-2 nights every other month does not sound a lot, OP.

Unless they're obnoxious and you dislike them. But even so they're your dh's parents and your dc's grandparents so you kind of have to suck it up.

He needs to help with the making beds and meals and making sure the house is presentable. It doesn't need to be pristine.

If there's not space to comfortable put them up at yours, is there a local hotel or airbnb they could stay in? Is their house bigger? Could you do 2 visits to them for every visit to you? Or 1 to you, 1 somewhere central for a day trip and 1 to them?

Can they visit at a weekend when you have plans with friends, so they "help" DH with the dc? (And you get a weekend off!).

They're family and trying to have a relationship.

How often do you see your family? Do you feel the same way when they visit?