To not think I should have to have in laws staying overnight?

[olderandwiserx]

Dh loves to have his parents visit to see our young children and so he can enjoy time with them. They live quite far away and it's a bit too far for a day visit. I've suggested meet ups half way and us going to stay at there's but it is tricky with kids and work. We do sometimes stay at there's overnight but we have a little one, 18 months, and I find it's just easier not to.

Aibu that I like the privacy of my home and I don't like to have to keep rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like a mad woman, meal planning, shopping and playing host?

I don't for a minute mean I don't want us to see them, I love seeing them, just not such frequent overnight visits. Am I the abnormal one here?

[WhatNoRaisins]

Once a month would be way too often for me. Don't they have lives of their own to live?

[phishy]

Of course the DH only does what he thinks needs doing, he knows that if he does a half assed job that OP will do it all anyway.

People are really placing too much faith on him.

[rookiemere]

But @PurpleDaisies OP has also said that she gives the house a "mad clean" and wants it to be "spotless ".

So next trip she steps back and doesn't do what she normally does - I guess they'll find out then how much of it is necessary.

It sounds like different standards to me rather than a lazy DH. ILs may be happy go lucky just want to catch up with their family types, whereas OP wants to have house at show home standard and provide nice meals.

We - for various reasons- get a lot of DHs relatives staying on a short term basis. We're lucky enough to have a spare bedroom so I'll make up the bed, or leave the sheets for them to do it and ask them if they want me to add another portion of lasagna/spag bol for their dinner, but that's it. Takes very little time and I sense OPs concerns are about people in their house as well as the preparation.

[Blossomtoes]

@BuanoKubiamVej

How come you are taking the responsibility for rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like mad, meal planning, shopping and playing host? What's your DH doing towards these efforts?

More to the point, why is it happening at all? When we stay with our adult kids we take our own bed linen, cook at least one meal while we’re there and are most definitely not “hosted”. They’re family, treat them like it instead of making it a state visit.

[PurpleDaisies]

@rookiemere

OP said that the DH does do what he thinks needs doing for their visit.

What he thinks needs doing and what actually needs doing could well be a gulf apart.

[rookiemere]

OP said that the DH does do what he thinks needs doing for their visit.

[BlingLoving]

It sounds like OP accepts that she needs to take a step back but I never understand why, when its the in laws, the H seems to think he doesn't have to do anything? My DH is 100% aware that for his mother it's up to him to do the heavy lifting, including any room rearranging, bedding, tidying etc. Ditto entertaining.

[rookiemere]

@Isababybel OP has said she doesn't want the ILs to have to stay in a hotel/B&B.

[Isababybel]

Yanbu.
Can they stay in a hotel nearby?

[LadyT27]

YABU,

His parents seem like they just want to spend quality time with their grandchild and son. I would say it was too much if they are within travelling distance for day trips but are not.
Why do you have to clean like a mad woman, meal prep and host? Let your DH take the lead as it's his family. Sounds like you are putting all this work on yourself, would they even expect this or be that bothered if the place was a bit messy?

[Glitterygreen]

I don't think 4 or 5 times since the summer is that much? Although it does sound like a few of these have been recently and close together.

Tbh it suits you better for them to come to you so I'd let that happen, as otherwise DH will likely push more for you to go to them.

Could he not take the kids sometimes and go to them and you stay home, if you're not keen on going?

[seekinglondonlife]

I think YANBU to not want guests but YABVU suggesting to go to Mils house to stay when you cba to host them.

[Tricked2003]

It sounds as though you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be the perfect host, relax a bit more, ask MIL / FIL to cook or bring dinner with them. My mum used to bring her own sheets, help make up the bed and then take them home so I didn't have extra laundry!

Are they coming to see you or inspect the house? If they are happy to muck in YABU , if they sit there expecting to be waited on hand and foot and critisise everything YANBU.

[rookiemere]

Exactly @saraclara he knows his DPs are there to see their DGC, not a show home. He should absolutely do the basics - make the bed, tidy away clutter, scrub the toilet, buy some extra milk - but the house does not need an industrial clean and the PILs do not need gourmet cuisine.

[MrsWinters]

I think a lot of this depends on your in-laws. My MIL makes snide comments continuously about my house, I knew she was hard work and the first time she came to visit I worked myself into a right state cleaning the place and she was still rude- even though the place was immaculate (are her house generally filthy). I think many commenting have in-laws who are ‘normal’ people and want to pitch in and help their families and don’t appreciate that some in-laws can be quite difficult

[saraclara]

@CaptSkippy

Your husband shouldn't "help". It's his damn house and his kids too. He should be pulling his weight like a normal adult.

Stop hosting whenever your inlaws stop by and leave it all to your husband. Let's see if he still wants to see them so often when he has to do it all.

OP has said that he does what he feels is needed. She has also said that she knows she does too much, so he's only 'helping' in the sense that he's not doing everything, because 'everything' is not needed.

This whole 'assume the worst of any male' thing needs to stop. In his position I'd not do everything OP wants done, either. If my DH had a list like hers, I'd only "help" too.

[maddy68]

Yabu

It's his parents and they're traveling a long way. As long as it's not happening every week it's fine and you're being daft

[DishwashDogsDickens]

Could you get a sofa bed in DS room ? Then the bedding is just theirs and doesn’t need to be jiggled as much ?

I feel that the hassle is the same whether it’s one day or two - how about have them less frequently - but for longer … and then visit them halfway inbetween times

If they stay for 3 days, you can ask them to help cook one night , or get a night off to yourself, guilt free , whilst they babysit … they will love it and so will DC

[saleorbouy]

I presumed your parents live close by a therefore you can see them anytime.
I would suggest you get get on with it and try to get a more relaxed informal style of hosting.
It's not difficult to put in a little effort a few times a year so you DH and his parents can enjoy the kids.
Would you expect the same from him?

[rookiemere]

Actually rereading your third post OP, I wonder if the concern is that the number of visits is ramping up. Twice in December and another visit in January does seem like quite a lot. Maybe you could agree frequency with your DH and then discuss with them.

[harriethoyle]

YABVVVVU. You begrudge them 4 stays in a year? Really unpleasant

[CaptSkippy]

Your husband shouldn't "help". It's his damn house and his kids too. He should be pulling his weight like a normal adult.

Stop hosting whenever your inlaws stop by and leave it all to your husband. Let's see if he still wants to see them so often when he has to do it all.

[Luredbyapomegranate]

Alternate visits every 8 weeks of say two nights don’t sound too much if everyone gets on. But if they are always coming to you, that’s a lot - could you alternate between visits to you with meeting for a say out at a half way point? (In which case perhaps it’s every six weeks)

But other than that - the only solution is to let go of wanting the house to be spotless. Agree a compromise with DP, and make sure he takes on his fair share of shopping and meal planning - also make this as easy as poss, if you can’t afford to go out then picnic lunches and v simple suppers. If they are turning up regularly, they are part of the family, not honoured guests.

The visits will get less as the kids get older.

[PersonaNonGarter]

YABU.

[reluctantbrit]

Meeting half-way sounds like a lot of work for a day. You need to do something and that's then very weather depending and can't be easy with little ones either.

I would suggest a B&B or hotel for overnight stay, at least every now and then so you don't have to feel you need to rearrange your house just for one night. Unless you never have visitors I don't think having someone staying overnight means a top-to-bottom clean all the time.

Speak to your DH how to simplify it, eating out? Take away? He cooks?