After 45/50 years old - financial security when I see other marriages failing

[JackRatt]

Hello all,

I have various friends who are currently going
through terrible divorce/ break ups (in these cases male instigated -affairs etc) and at the moment finances are completely controlled by men, who seem to be holding all the cards…

I wondered what the best way to safeguard and protect your future is? Especially if you have been a SAHM for the majority of your husbands working life?

Thank you

[EightWheelGirl]

So what would you consider to have been a win?

Winning the lottery and not having to sacrifice the vast majority of my life to be able to live it.

[EightWheelGirl]

Well a) I don't sit at a desk the majority of the time, b) I don't feel I've lost and c) and d feel like I lost if I had to be a SAHP.

Well if that works for you then great, but I don’t understand how so many women seem to have ‘being a businesswoman’ as their main goal in life. I earn well enough and have good prospects but tend to have a view more like the average bloke in that it’s a means to an end, not the objective in itself. I don’t really see my career as a means of personal validation/identity.

[SofiaMichelle]

@EightWheelGirl

I think personally I’d feel I’d already lost if I had to sit at a desk for the majority of hours in a day, majority of days in a week, every week of most months, most months of the year, and then most years of my life.

So what would you consider to have been a win?

[HaaaaaveyoumetTed]

@EightWheelGirl

I think personally I’d feel I’d already lost if I had to sit at a desk for the majority of hours in a day, majority of days in a week, every week of most months, most months of the year, and then most years of my life.

Well a) I don't sit at a desk the majority of the time, b) I don't feel I've lost and c) and d feel like I lost if I had to be a SAHP.

[Fidgetty]

Bring a SAHM isn't risky if you're in a good financial position to start with and have a career that's easy to get back into. I think some people mean well when they say this as they've seen women be screwed over but others just like to put SAHMs down due to jealousy/internalised misogyny/general cantankerousnous!

I was a SAHM for 5 years and it was my smartest parenting move - paid off in spades for my DC. It benefitted us all much more than staying at work ever would have. I'm back at work now with zero issues and zero financial implications. The things that made it low risk were:

I paid into a pension all along so it's had no long term financial impact. I also kept up to date with CPD throughout which kept my head sharp and made sliding back into the workforce much easier. My husband set up a limited company so I "technically" worked for that company throughout (did a tiny bit of work with it but very limited really) so no gaps on my CV and a reference.

[EightWheelGirl]

I think personally I’d feel I’d already lost if I had to sit at a desk for the majority of hours in a day, majority of days in a week, every week of most months, most months of the year, and then most years of my life.

[Avarua]

My number 1 tip: don't be a victim in your own life. Don't make "poor me" excuses for your own decisions.

[HaaaaaveyoumetTed]

@daisydoh

So many people saying don't be a SAHM but then women seem to be scorned at for wanting careers like men and using childcare to bring up the kids.

I guess you can't win.

I'd rather be scorned than screwed.

Plus I don't care what people think, I love my career and have chosen not to give it up despite being able to.

[Regretsandregrets]

Focus on building a successful career and achieving financial independence. Dont have kids if that puts a strain on your personal situation. Enter a relationship as a financial equal if you want to leave as equal.

[tarasmalatarocks]

@EightWheelGirl I totally agree but plenty on here seem to combine all the risks, SAHM, not married and partner without assets or cash!!

[EightWheelGirl]

I think there’s always the assumption on here that any given woman would have a professional career if she wasn’t a SAHM. I’m not sure that’s always the case and sometimes marrying a rich man and being a SAHM is going to be a better financial than working in a low paid retail job.

In some ways it’s a bit like comparing somebody who spends all their wages on travelling, luxury items, and generally enjoying life vs another person who saves all their money but doesn’t have the same enjoyment. Latter person is set for the long run but the cost is not enjoying their youth to the full whilst it lasts.

Similarly, the housewife has more financial risk long term but isn’t wasting her life sat at a desk making spreadsheets and can spend the time within her young children which can’t ever be reclaimed at a later date if missed.

[StEval]

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@StEval you're right there's a separate thread running on this topic at the moment and that's probably coloured my view.

None of this changes the fact that we're in agreement that a woman should always have her own money.[/quote]
Agreed!

[jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey]

30 years together and we've never married.
We have separate savings and bank accounts. The joint account we use to transfer money from our own accounts to cover bills.
Don't ever give up your financial freedom!

[thepeopleversuswork]

@StEval you're right there's a separate thread running on this topic at the moment and that's probably coloured my view.

None of this changes the fact that we're in agreement that a woman should always have her own money.

[StEval]

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@StEval

I understand what you mean. I totally agree that any man, whether a biological father or otherwise, will have to be present in the family and not think its enough just to go out and earn money.

What I meant is that I think some women, after their marriage/relationship has broken down, look for a man to step into the role of stepfather too quickly without being honest with themselves about whether the man is up to it and try to push the first man they like into this role, citing the need for a "male role model" etc.

In actual fact there's no automatic need for children to have a male role model in their lives. If one can be found who is supportive and enhance the children's lives then that's a bonus but the bar should be set extremely high and the idea that any man is better for the children than none is woefully misguided. This may sound obvious but a lot of women appear to believe that hooking up with a man and forcing the creation of a "family" is automatically in the children's best interests when very often the woman on her own with her children is the best version of the family.[/quote]
Fair enough but thats a whole different thread and not what I was referring too at all.

[thepeopleversuswork]

@StEval

I understand what you mean. I totally agree that any man, whether a biological father or otherwise, will have to be present in the family and not think its enough just to go out and earn money.

What I meant is that I think some women, after their marriage/relationship has broken down, look for a man to step into the role of stepfather too quickly without being honest with themselves about whether the man is up to it and try to push the first man they like into this role, citing the need for a "male role model" etc.

In actual fact there's no automatic need for children to have a male role model in their lives. If one can be found who is supportive and enhance the children's lives then that's a bonus but the bar should be set extremely high and the idea that any man is better for the children than none is woefully misguided. This may sound obvious but a lot of women appear to believe that hooking up with a man and forcing the creation of a "family" is automatically in the children's best interests when very often the woman on her own with her children is the best version of the family.

[StEval]

But the baseline is that chasing this should not be used to compromise the basic need for women to be able to look after their financial needs without a man.

I wasnt suggesting it was.
It was in response to the idea that women become SAHM and take control of the finances -this is seen as being enough.
It isnt.

think a lot of women convince themselves that their children’s lives will be enhanced by a male “role model” and try to shoehorn a man into this role whether he is up to the job or not.
I was talking about my childrens father
Him being present not just off to his job being seen as an adequate contribution.
If he wasnt around , I wouldnt have touched another man with a bargepole !

[thepeopleversuswork]

@StEval

It’s great to have a positive male role model and for children to see a man parenting and supporting them and their mother.

But the baseline is that chasing this should not be used to compromise the basic need for women to be able to look after their financial needs without a man.

I think a lot of women convince themselves that their children’s lives will be enhanced by a male “role model” and try to shoehorn a man into this role whether he is up to the job or not.

[RosesAndHellebores]

Hmm. I was able to be a shame for 8 years because upon marriage I was the high earner and had high equity in my house. Hence the pre-nup. DH was at the start of his lucrative career. My early financial independence has gielven us equality throughout our marriage. Also neither of us "settled". We were in love, had similar views and interests and I believe we are both fundamentally loyal and decent. My mother's advice was always "if in doubt, don't do it".

I had 8 wonderful years at home with the children from 35 to 43 and then started my second career, taking a financial hit by working locally and quasi public sector but not a professional one. We didn't need the money but I think the connection work gives with the real world enhances a marriage.

I will probably retire in the next year or two at about 63. I'll have two thirds of a final salary occupational pension - not to be sneezed at by anybody - and despite being contracted out from 2004 -2014 in about 18 months I'll have my 35 qualifying years for a state pension.

Always, always have some private money stashed away. DH and I have always had individual independence over our money and don't know exactly what the other earns because we have never needed to. It helps that we have similar attitudes to spending.

In an emergency I have always k own where all the papers are. I have never felt the need to look.

[StEval]

@thepeopleversuswork

My mother gave me excellent advice which was to never give up work and rely on a man.

This is all, really.

If there's one lesson you teach your female children, this is it.

I also wanted my children to be cared for and parented( hands on) by their father.
To see men cooking, cleaning and parenting them.
Essential in my view.

[thepeopleversuswork]

My mother gave me excellent advice which was to never give up work and rely on a man.

This is all, really.

If there's one lesson you teach your female children, this is it.

[StEval]

My mother gave me excellent advice and said part of agreeing to be SAHP was being the one to control the finances, you have more time after all

My mother gave me excellent advice which was to never give up work and rely on a man.
Controlling the finances doesnt work as the earner can simply change his account at work at any time-thats his right.
It also doesnt give you any future earning potential should he leave.

[GattoFantastico]

@RedskyThisNight
'Having the ability to be financially independent is probably the best advice you can give your children. Note I say "having the ability". By all means be a SAHP if that works for your family, but think through the what-if scenarios and plan for them. It's not just worrying about what happens in the case of divorce. My friend was a SAHP for 12 years when her husband developed a degenerative disease. Suddenly relying on his salary, whilst letting her own career go didn't look like such a good plan.'

This.

Also the OP refers to a scenario where the woman has been a SAHM for most of her dh's working life. Frankly that sounds bizarre in this day and age.

[Itsnotdeep]

I will and do advise my daughters to keep working throughout. Never be reliant on a man - if or when you split up, you are fucked if you haven't worked.

And it gives you the freedom to walk away from an unhappy relationship too. Too many women are stuck with men they don't love, like or even worse, with abusive men, because they can't afford to leave.

(and also, why would you not want to earn your own money?).

[tarasmalatarocks]

@stalkersaga. Cant100% agree. You might end up with a flat in not quite such a nice area and less holidays , Less new clothes etc , but if you have a high spending H and lots do, you might not actually be that worse off day to day on food and bills etc . It depends what lifestyle you actually had. I know I could manage on far less than my H and not really feel the difference