Refund for a date?

[sweettooth89]

Sorry it's a bit of a long post. So, I was dating someone for about 4 weeks. Started off nice, quite liked him. He doesn't drive, which I was put off with at first but then I met him and I wasn't that bothered. Went on a some dates, drinks and a meal etc. After a couple of dates I stayed at his place and we had a few drinks. He told me he had something to tell me, I thought "here we go!". I have a history of bad dates 🤣. Anyway he had previously told me he was a builder, he then told me he had lied about this and he is actually unemployed and lives on benefits due to his OCD and anxiety disorder. He then went on to show me his online bank balance (not requested by me) to prove that he's not some bum with no money (his words). He had more money in there than I make in a year! He has everything paid for for him, rent, living expenses etc. Anyway, I forgave him for lying as I understood he was embarrassed about his disorder. Over the next couple of weeks I started to notice how "tight" he was with his money, we would go shopping and he would ONLY buy things that are reduced. Each to their own, I like a bargain but he took this to a whole other level. If he was paying for a takeaway for example, he would search and search for the cheapest option. Whereas if I was paying, he would suggest more expensive options. I asked if he would ever consider going back to work as to me, he seemed like he could work, as his OCD is under control. He said he could, but he's better off being on benefits so it doesn't make sense to go back to work. This was a massive deal breaker for me, I found it really unattractive. The next day we had booked to go out on the broads on a boat. It was £20, he paid. We went, had a nice day. But after that date I just wasn't feeling things with him anymore, the more I got to know him the more I was put off with his ways. I was honest about it and told him and I apologised for wasting his time. We parted ways and that was that. The next day he text me and asked me if I could transfer him £10 for my half of the boat trip!! Also sent me his bank details to do so. I was gobsmacked. For 4 or so weeks I was driving back and forth to his which was a 30 min drive one way, I drove us everywhere we went. I paid for things for us both that he deemed "too expensive". I never in a million years ask for money back for petrol etc, so to me this seemed quite pathetic. I was fuming that he even had the cheek to ask me for a tenner 😂. Especially as I work full time for my money while he gets more than I do a month just for sitting on his backside. When I said no, he told me to choke on it. Which I laughed at as to me it's so ridiculous. AIBU for not giving him a tenner?

[threeteenstaximum]

Not requiring comeuppance
I meant

[dottiedodah]

What a bloody cheek hes got FFS! You 100% did the right thing .you are well rid. Sodding CF!

[sweettooth89]

@threeteenstaximum

It would be petty to report him to DWP for benefit fraud and what for? Because you didn't like his weird request at the end and his financial obsessive behaviour seemed rude & tight ? It's very likely related in some way to his individual condition

Unless he has over £16k in savings, there's nothing that indicates he isn't entitled to benefits he claims - DLA/PIP are not easy to get awarded.

Forgot him , he's a weird story foe your friends and MN but not requesting any comeuppance

I have no intention of reporting him for benefit fraud.

[RodiganReed]

.. everytime his PIP assesment is closing in. In between all this, manages just fine and gets more money than the average working person

PIP assessments aren't means tested and have nothing to do with whether you work or not. But if you want to sneer at someone whose mental health issues are severe enough to get them admitted to a mental health unit (and believe me it takes much more than a failed suicide attempt these days) then crack on..

[TailFeatherz]

Don't send any money
Block him, he's a freeloading dosser
First alarm bell is not driving
Second alarm bell, lying
Can't imagine why he's single

[InnaBun]

I don't think him claiming benefits has anything to do with if you should have paid him back or not.

As you knew you weren't interested before the boat trip I personally would have paid back if there were no other factors involved, it's as if you booked something with your mates and then decided not to go.

All the stuff you paid for before you decided you weren't interested in him could be said to have been your choice so can't be used to cancel out the £10 however he lied about his job and financial situation. It's this lie that makes me think they just cancel each other out so you're all good.

YABU for apologising for wasting his time though - the whole point of dating is to get to know if you like someone or not.

[InnaBun]

@TailFeatherz

Don't send any money
Block him, he's a freeloading dosser
First alarm bell is not driving
Second alarm bell, lying
Can't imagine why he's single

Not driving is not an alarm bell. It depends where he lives and how severe his OCD is. The money thing yes, can't be dealing with that.

[seensome]

No I wouldn't of given him the money, him offering to pay in the first place was his choice, you didn't agree to borrow the money, plus he is a lazy loser and you did all the driving so he actually saved on getting public transport to the date. Nope enjoy the tenner that he won't be getting.

[lotstolose1]

@RodiganReed

I'm not sneering at all, I have mental health issues myself. He's done this for the last twenty years of his life. Soon as money starts coming back in, off out getting pissed and snorting Coke and having a whale of a time. Everyone knows he's fiddling and it's wrong.

[Whyhello]

Nope, I don’t think many people would pay it either. I did have this once when I told a guy I didn’t want to see him again after a first date. He’d chosen to pay for expensive drinks all night and wouldn’t let me pay at all, then when I told him I didn’t see it working he tried to ask me to pay for my half of the drinks. I just blocked him.

[sweettooth89]

@Ponoka7

Saying that he could work if he wanted to could be him downplaying his MH conditions.

If he's on the highest rate of PIP etc, he might not 'get everything paid for'. I'm on PIP and ESA, before I inherited a house, I had to top up my rent and pay towards my Council tax. I know many others who do as well.

How bad was the OCD example you'd seen? Enough to get him sacked from a job? Realistically what sort of CV would he have and what work would he cope with long term? You haven't seen him in a situation were he has to follow rules and keep to time schedules etc.

As for paying back the £10, because you'd covered other expenses, then you shouldn't have paid it back.

I only witnessed some of it. He would count all his cutlery before going to bed, this is the main one which stood out. I did feel for him that way. Also before we left the house he had to touch all the reusable carrier bags in his cupboard. So it could take up time I suppose and some work places could be funny about it. But there are other things he could do. I personally work from home, even before COVID. So that could always be an option.
This was a while ago now so I have no idea what he's doing anymore, it just came up in conversation last night with a friend whilst we were talking about my disastrous dating history, she said she would have given him his tenner back. I was just curious if others thought I was in the wrong.

[Bridezillamaybe]

I can't believe your friend would have given him the tenner, why??? He was freeloading in general and well able to choose expensive items when you were paying.

If you still have the number of this eligible man it sounds like he and @TulisaIsBrill could be an excellent match.

[sweettooth89]

@Bridezillamaybe

I can't believe your friend would have given him the tenner, why??? He was freeloading in general and well able to choose expensive items when you were paying.

If you still have the number of this eligible man it sounds like he and *@TulisaIsBrill* could be an excellent match.

No idea! Were my thoughts exactly. I blocked him after he told me to choke on the tenner, so sadly I don't have his details to pass on to any lucky ladies 😂

[Kisskiss]

All I can think is, you had one lucky escape 🤣🤣🤣

[coolhwip]

@TriteMale

I didn't think disability benefits allowed for more than a modest existence. The average UK salary is £35k. They can't be anywhere close to that surely?

My mum gets £1100 pm as pension, pension credit and PIP. She owns her own home so her income allows her to live very well.

[dewisant2020]

Makes me sick, no one should be more comfortable living off benefits than someone who works full time.
Thank god you got rid

[30degreesandmeltinghere]

Send him an invoice @45 a mile.
I am not bloody joking...

[JamieLeeBee]

Off subject, but am I to assume, as someone on benefits due to redundancy and no jobs available with suitable hours, along with the fact that I don't drive, that I would simply be an off put to someone and scrounging off the system?

[sweettooth89]

@JamieLeeBee

Off subject, but am I to assume, as someone on benefits due to redundancy and no jobs available with suitable hours, along with the fact that I don't drive, that I would simply be an off put to someone and scrounging off the system?

Not at all. Benefits are there to help people who need them. I also don't begrudge him receiving SOME benefits as he clearly does have a disorder. However, he openly told me he could work but chooses not to as he can live this life of luxury by claiming from the government and gets paid more than me (someone who has worked full time for 20+ years).

[ginghamstarfish]

A lucky escape for you OP. Yes, the benefit system needs sorting out if anyone can get more on benefits than a person working full time (in any job).

[lotstolose1]

@JamieLeeBee

Off subject, but am I to assume, as someone on benefits due to redundancy and no jobs available with suitable hours, along with the fact that I don't drive, that I would simply be an off put to someone and scrounging off the system?

Definitely not, nothing wrong with being on benefits if you need them. It's the ones who play the system, have huge savings and don't need the money who turn most people off...

I'm sorry about your redundancy

I think being a driver is just personal preference. Personally a non-driver would put me off a little as I'd assume it'd always be me driving everywhere to dates, days out, holidays etc. But if you like the person enough I suppose it's a very minor inconvenience

[sweettooth89]

@lotstolose1 I second this. As I said, I knew he didn't drive before I met him and it put me off a little for those same reasons. But once I met him I liked him and I didn't care about the driving then. It's all the other stuff that put me off x

[Sn0tnose]

I definitely don’t think you were wrong not to give him the £10. If you go on a date with someone and decide to pay for something, you don’t do it with the expectation that you’ll then be entitled to spend more time with that person. You aren’t a commodity.

Although I would have added up the extra you’d spent, sent him an itemised bill and told him that you’d accept £10 in full and final settlement and that you now considered the matter to be closed.

[An0n0n0n]

Yanbu, id be tempted to screenshot it and share to a Spotted Facebook page as a date warning!

[WiddlinDiddlin]

I think you are better off out of it...

But theres a gaping chasm between 'could work' and 'is likely to ever be employed by someone'.

I could work... and therefore do, because the things I can do I can do self employed.

If I had no self employment options though, no I could not do the things I do for someone else as that means doing it to their time frame, when they want me to... and thats the part I definitely cannot do, because I can't tell you from one day to the next what I'll be able to do.
Today, I can't put my own pants and bra on. Yesterday I saw a client outside in a public place for a planned appointment.

Back to the OP though... I'd not have sent him the 10 quid, no. I'd have told him where to go and pointed out how much I'd spent wasting my time to find out what he was really like.