...to feel angry at MIL and be dreading their visit?

[Musntgrumble2021]

NC as identifying...

This is going to be a ranty ramble. Sorry. I just need to vent and get perspective. Hormones may be messing with me...

So MIL and her DH have three sets of GC. Ours oldest, two in the middle and one youngest (SILs). MIL and her DH moved to be closer to SIL and her family. We used to be based close enough to meet MIL mid way for a day but recently moved and now we can only visit overnight.

During lockdown I suggested keeping in touch with DC virtually. They are fine with tech. Very young and active for their age. Kept in touch with their hobby groups this way so it’s not a fear or incompetence with video calls. I mentioned a few times about them maybe having video calls with our DC . Tried a couple of times to sort something out. Gave them a list early on of fun activities that GP can do with GC over zoom/Skype etc. Nothing. DH doesn’t arrange anything either. I don’t feel I can push it as they are not my parents. They fob me off. ‘Yes that sounds great, well let you know’ kind of thing.

Contact since lockdown #1: Managed about three or four virtual chats. Met for an outside picnic with all family in summer last year for MIL birthday and they brought their caravan to somewhere near us when we were on holiday. Just a couple of days but rain meant we didn’t get much time.

In comparison they continued childcare for youngest GC throughout. Had SIL in the house lots.

I’m not sure how much they keep in touch with middle two GC. They are on SFIL side of family so not sure what the situation is but MIL and her husband moved away from them. They have continued childcare pre lockdown though and did lots of it for them before the move and a bit after too (travelling some distance).

So on the last video call MIL said they’d booked a caravan site near us in July ‘to come and see us’. I was really pleased. I thought that our DC can have some quality time with MIL. Then they said the site is an hour away and SIL and youngest GC coming too. And it’s when my DC is still in school - so we won’t be able to see them much after school as it’s too far but they may come to us after school I guess. And...youngest GC will be there who obviously is at a cuter and more engaging stage and is closer to them because of familiarity (we don’t hold it against him at all - he’s adorable!), so our DC will get pretty much ignored. Our DC will be in full knowledge that grandma and grandad are fairly close by having lovely days at the beach when DCs in school, then hearing all about it when we do see them. We will be regaled with funny stories about how cute it was that youngest GC did X or Y. ... A visit ‘to see us’ is actually a holiday with SIL during which they will fit us in.

In fairness, they had booked a week nearish to us in March this year, but this was cancelled due to restrictions (predictably IMO) not being lifted by then. They have several other caravan holidays booked in other parts of country that they easily could change and come here instead (beautiful area that they love - great place to holiday) but have kept their bookings elsewhere.

When we last spoke we were talking about them visiting. They said for me to check out local caravan parks (they have their own caravan). I did. Found one with availability for most of season that’s 10 mins away, good reviews, lovely scenery. Passed on the information. They said they had lots of caravan trips booked in so can’t book it?!!! WTF?!! Why say ‘check some sites out (because you’ll know the area better than us) and let us know’ if they had no intention of booking anyway? FFS.

I think this guilted them into thinking they should visit (and DH finally pushed them to find a date) so they have booked a B&B for two nights soonish.

I feel so sad for my DC. If it wasn’t for DC I’d just accept it and give up but I feel a duty to facilitate their relationship.

Previously we have always had to ask for them to have DC. They never offer.

They clearly prefer SIL and her GC. They don’t seem to want to spend time with us (I think we are quite nice to be around despite the very ranty post!).

Context is family history of favourites. DH’s maternal GP would go on and on about their youngest son (MIL recognises this and talked to me about it), MIL clearly feels closer to her daughter and has been pretty cold to my DH at times in his younger life. Now I feel they are transferring this to my DC. This makes me feel devastated because at some point this will become obvious to DC.

Tried to talk about in a very gentle way with DH but immediately he got angry so either he genuinely doesn’t see it or it’s too painful.

I am dreading their visit because I just feel so angry at them. I feel gutted for my DC. My DF wasn’t a great dad and doesn’t show much interest as a GP. FIL and his wife live abroad and so are not around much. My DM loves my DC almost as much as we do and this makes up for it a bit, but I find it so sad that DC have six GP only one of which seems interested. If MIL didn’t make so much effort with youngest GC it would feel so much easier.

Please help me get perspective.

If I’m not BU to feel upset and angry - What do I do with it? Shut up and put up or try and address it? Should I try harder to try and build GP and DC relationship or let nature take its course and be there to provide love and support when the inequality shows itself to DC - which it will eventually.

If I’m BU, why? What can’t I see? What am I missing?

[thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear]

My MIL is much closer to her daughter’s children than her son’s. She is a nice woman and does treat them all equally for Christmas and birthdays, including my DS who is not biologically related to her. She sees SIL’s children daily though and provides childcare for them. In contrast, BIL and his wife who live in the next street have struggled for childcare and MIL has made it clear she doesn’t want to help out. I’m currently pregnant and I know SIL’s children will be favoured over our baby, but tbh it doesn’t bother me - my own DP are fabulous and will be very hands-on. I can certainly see why you are hurt though, under the circumstances.

[Xmassprout]

I know exactly how you feel.

We actually live slightly closer to my MIL and FIL than the SILs but we don't often see them, yet both SILs see them at least a couple of times a week. We invite them here, we offer to go there but they're always busy, usually with the other grandchildren. The only time my children tend to get invited over is if all the other grandchildren are over there. And then everyone's running around the other grandchildren so I'm sat playing with my children which I could have done from the comfort of my own home. Then they complain they don't see my children enough, and get arsey when I don't send them pictures of WhatsApp

[thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear]

Basically, in a long-winded way I meant that I think many grandmothers are naturally closer to their daughter’s DC rather than their son’s. Not saying it’s right though, and I hope I would never be like this in years to come.

[Heatherjayne1972]

I had similar with my ex mil she just wasn’t interested in my/ our children
Babysat regularly for her own daughters children but never offered us
I’m not sure if it was jealousy because my own parents saw my children a lot and took time to get to know them and be interested in their lives
Or was she just not bothered

Unfortunately you can’t make someone care so I left arrangements for visits with my now exh and concentrated on the family that did care

They’re teenagers now and She’s still not bothered with them but the kids don’t seem to care

[KellyMarieTunstall2]

My ILS are not interested in my children. When my first one arrived I envisaged they'd be doting GPs, but they were not all bothered. I spent quite a few years feeling hurt and offended. My DH raised it with them many times as he felt very upset. They had a billion excuses. They also made DH feel bad for sharing his feelings. So we moved on, and DD is 10 now she isn't bothered in the slightest. My DS is 5 and he will comically ask when he sees them who they are! DD 3 eyes then with deep disdain. We barely see them and we're all ok with it, although I suspect DH still feels that pang of neglect. It's much easier to move on and focus on the good relationships. Good luck OP.

[BowserJr]

Not your family, not your issue is the best way to deal with it I think.

My kids see my side of the family more than DH's because I'm closer to my family. It's just how it is. Every family dynamic is different.

[Pinkpaisley]

We have similar problems. We had to put our foot down last year when there was a plan that was going to make the favoritism very obvious. The Grandparents solution was that the other grandchildren would be sworn to secrecy so it wouldn’t be a problem. We were pretty explicit that we knew they were always going to play favorites, but we wouldn’t be participating in ways that made it obvious. They were hurt by what we said and that we refused to participate in their plans, but I don’t regret what we did. It didn’t change anything. They still play favorites. I just feel a lot better about the whole situation and continue to shield my child from that reality.

[Musntgrumble2021]

‘Not my family, not my issue’ is going to be my new mantra!

Sorry to hear of so many having the same issue. It makes me so sad because I see children as such a blessing and if I’m lucky enough to become a GP I’ll want to be really involved - if I’m allowed!

It’s reassuring to see that no one is saying that it’s my duty as a mother to nurture the relationships as I think this was what I was feeling. For me I’d walk away and let it go but I’ve been feeling a responsibility for DC. I’ll let that go too!

[Musntgrumble2021]

I feel much lighter for letting go of all this imaginary responsibility I was holding!

[Grumblesigh]

OP, I am so happy for you!

[ExpulsoCorona]

Well done OP, it's definitely not your responsibility. Back off and just support DH with however he wants to handle it. His family, his responsibility. Your children will be fine, they are well loved.

[Shamoo]

I think it’s almost impossible to do anything about this while your DH isn’t open to trying to address it.

I also wonder if your DH’s attitude now reflects the nature of his relationship with his parents? - if he has a sister who has long been closer to her parents, spent more time with them etc then it is inevitable probably that the grandparents will be closer to her children. The next question is whether the difference in relationship with the parents is due to the parents or your DH and his sister. But it definitely won’t change if your DH doesn’t want it to change.

[Shamoo]

Sorry OP just saw your updates! Good on you!

[Musntgrumble2021]

Thank so much all.

I’m now going to go through all the other ‘responsibilities’ I hold in mind and see if I can ditch some more...hee hee.

[Franklyfrost]

The thing about gp is that they owe you nothing and can do what they like. If they find it meaningful to help out with grandchildren and it suits everyone then that’s great but they have no obligation to. We have a set of gps that very much favors sil’s children (does childcare, visits etc, none for us) and so long as my dc don’t realise the disparity then it’s not my business. I was hurt by it but now I accept it and make sure I set limits (gm wanted to take our, in use, toys from our house to give to other gc and I said no).

[Fairyliz]

Sorry op just let it go. I have been in exactly the same situation in laws live 150 miles away but close to sil. They looked after sil’s children 3 days a week, but have never looked after ours. In the 33 years DH and I have been married they have only visited us 3 times and once was when we got married.

My DC’s are adults now and really not bothered at all. They are much closer to my parents who they saw on a regular basis.
The upside is that now in-laws are in their 80’s and needing support it’s sil who is doing all of the work. So there are some benefits!

[AliceMcK]

@HoppingPavlova

I’m sure I will be flamed but quite often grandmothers just naturally have more to do with their daughters children. I don’t think it’s because they love their daughters more than their sons or feel closer to them. I think it’s an ‘easier’ relationship with grandchildren as opposed to going through a DIL as ‘middle man’. You only have to read the majority of posts from DIL’s on Mumsnet to see the difficulty MIL’s face. A daughter is more likely to say ‘here mum, take the kids, knock yourself out, trust you’. There are odd exceptions though. DIL’s tend to get the rage because the kids were not fed organic lima beans unicorns had pissed on or little Johnny who is extremely robust was taken to the park with/without a jacket or a planet somewhere didn’t align with another and they are ‘raging’ and need everyone opinion as to whether MIL should ever be trusted unsupervised with children ever again.

Only daughter here. Couldn’t be further from the truth my mother would bend over backwards for any of my DBs children, couldn’t give a shit about mine. Slightly, but only slight better better when my DF was alive but now she dosnt need to fake it anymore.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@Grumblesigh

Okay. YABsuperU.

These are not your parents, and you need to remove yourself from your husband's relationship with his parents. He doesn't want to talk about it as it's too painful or simply unimportant? Fine, then stop prodding.

They are your DC's grandparents, true, but let's face it, sometimes that's a close relationship and sometimes it's not. Your DH is not particularly close to his parents, so why would you expect a cosy relationship with your DC? Your own Mum sounds wonderful, so celebrate that.

Your jealousy of SIL comes through loud and clear, as does your resentment of your PIL. Which I do not get. They are not being horrible to your DC. They have suggested a visit. It's obviously a holiday essentially and meant to benefit SIL and her DC, but they do want to see your DC as well. Just take it for what it is.

If their own son does not set up visits or pursue a closer relationship, I have no idea whatsoever why you are wasting emotional energy on this. You are creating a problem that does not exist. Your DC are fine - they have a Nan who loves them to bits. They do not feel resentful or jealous. They may never feel that way.

Back off, let your DH take the initiative in all things PIL, and be happy to see them when you see them.

Yeah i have to agree with this tbh OP. If you keep getting upset about it and complaining about it your children might start feeling it where as now they probably haven't given it a second thought.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Only daughter here. Couldn’t be further from the truth my mother would bend over backwards for any of my DBs children, couldn’t give a shit about mine. Slightly, but only slight better better when my DF was alive but now she dosnt need to fake it anymore.

Sorry to hear that but I still think in general that poster is probably right

[AryaStarkWolf]

@Musntgrumble2021

Thank so much all.

I’m now going to go through all the other ‘responsibilities’ I hold in mind and see if I can ditch some more...hee hee.

It will be liberating for you

[toocoldforsno]

@ChrissyPlummer

YANB terribly U....but they are under no obligation to offer childcare. You mention this twice, the fact that they look after SILs kids and the fact that “not once” did they look after yours on holiday. Why should they? Too many on here seem to use ‘childcare’ as a synonym for ‘relationship with GPs’.

Of course they aren't obligated, but is it ok to do something for one of your children and not another? Is it ok to look after your daughters children frequently but not ever your sons?
Maybe you think thats just fine, most people see it as unfair favouritism.

[Billandben444]

Of course they aren't obligated, but is it ok to do something for one of your children and not another? Is it ok to look after your daughters children frequently but not ever your sons? Maybe you think thats just fine, most people see it as unfair favouritism

Upthread I've given a very good example why this might happen and, no, it doesn't have to be unfair favouritism.

[toocoldforsno]

Upthread I've given a very good example why this might happen and, no, it doesn't have to be unfair favouritism

That is your explanation, doesn't apply to the OP and of course you find a way to make it ok, you're hardly going to just say "sure, I favour one GC over another, so what?", are you?

[Midlifemusings]

I think it might be different ways families function more than anything personal. I am not in a family where grandparents do the exact same for each child / grandchild and make sure everything is exactly the same for everyone. My siblings and I are all different and have very different lives and so the needs are different. Same with my own grandparents.

One set of my grandparents lived in a shared house with my uncle and aunt and cousins. They were very close. We visited twice a year for a few days and so barely knew them. I never felt hurt or that it was unfair, even as a child. My other set of grandparents lived fairly close to us but their other child lived on the other side of the country - so in that case it was reversed and I was very close to my grandparents and my cousin who grew up across the country is far less close.

In my current family, my parents provide child care to my brother's kids because my brother and his wife struggle in many years and need the help. None of us are resentful of that. We work together as a family versus competing for our exact share of their time and resources. Yes, they are very close to those kids as they have them in their home all the time but that is fine. My kids get it. They aren't hurt their grandparents provide child care to their cousins but not them.

I don't take it personally and my parents didn't either. We always understood that distance and need played a role in how close relationships are and how much time / resource goes to one person vs another.

[Musntgrumble2021]

Just to clarify, apart from gently and tentatively raising it with DH once, I never openly complain or get upset. Am very careful to talk positively about them. All my anger and hurt is held inside hence needing to vent here and get a different perspective.