...to feel angry at MIL and be dreading their visit?

[Musntgrumble2021]

NC as identifying...

This is going to be a ranty ramble. Sorry. I just need to vent and get perspective. Hormones may be messing with me...

So MIL and her DH have three sets of GC. Ours oldest, two in the middle and one youngest (SILs). MIL and her DH moved to be closer to SIL and her family. We used to be based close enough to meet MIL mid way for a day but recently moved and now we can only visit overnight.

During lockdown I suggested keeping in touch with DC virtually. They are fine with tech. Very young and active for their age. Kept in touch with their hobby groups this way so it’s not a fear or incompetence with video calls. I mentioned a few times about them maybe having video calls with our DC . Tried a couple of times to sort something out. Gave them a list early on of fun activities that GP can do with GC over zoom/Skype etc. Nothing. DH doesn’t arrange anything either. I don’t feel I can push it as they are not my parents. They fob me off. ‘Yes that sounds great, well let you know’ kind of thing.

Contact since lockdown #1: Managed about three or four virtual chats. Met for an outside picnic with all family in summer last year for MIL birthday and they brought their caravan to somewhere near us when we were on holiday. Just a couple of days but rain meant we didn’t get much time.

In comparison they continued childcare for youngest GC throughout. Had SIL in the house lots.

I’m not sure how much they keep in touch with middle two GC. They are on SFIL side of family so not sure what the situation is but MIL and her husband moved away from them. They have continued childcare pre lockdown though and did lots of it for them before the move and a bit after too (travelling some distance).

So on the last video call MIL said they’d booked a caravan site near us in July ‘to come and see us’. I was really pleased. I thought that our DC can have some quality time with MIL. Then they said the site is an hour away and SIL and youngest GC coming too. And it’s when my DC is still in school - so we won’t be able to see them much after school as it’s too far but they may come to us after school I guess. And...youngest GC will be there who obviously is at a cuter and more engaging stage and is closer to them because of familiarity (we don’t hold it against him at all - he’s adorable!), so our DC will get pretty much ignored. Our DC will be in full knowledge that grandma and grandad are fairly close by having lovely days at the beach when DCs in school, then hearing all about it when we do see them. We will be regaled with funny stories about how cute it was that youngest GC did X or Y. ... A visit ‘to see us’ is actually a holiday with SIL during which they will fit us in.

In fairness, they had booked a week nearish to us in March this year, but this was cancelled due to restrictions (predictably IMO) not being lifted by then. They have several other caravan holidays booked in other parts of country that they easily could change and come here instead (beautiful area that they love - great place to holiday) but have kept their bookings elsewhere.

When we last spoke we were talking about them visiting. They said for me to check out local caravan parks (they have their own caravan). I did. Found one with availability for most of season that’s 10 mins away, good reviews, lovely scenery. Passed on the information. They said they had lots of caravan trips booked in so can’t book it?!!! WTF?!! Why say ‘check some sites out (because you’ll know the area better than us) and let us know’ if they had no intention of booking anyway? FFS.

I think this guilted them into thinking they should visit (and DH finally pushed them to find a date) so they have booked a B&B for two nights soonish.

I feel so sad for my DC. If it wasn’t for DC I’d just accept it and give up but I feel a duty to facilitate their relationship.

Previously we have always had to ask for them to have DC. They never offer.

They clearly prefer SIL and her GC. They don’t seem to want to spend time with us (I think we are quite nice to be around despite the very ranty post!).

Context is family history of favourites. DH’s maternal GP would go on and on about their youngest son (MIL recognises this and talked to me about it), MIL clearly feels closer to her daughter and has been pretty cold to my DH at times in his younger life. Now I feel they are transferring this to my DC. This makes me feel devastated because at some point this will become obvious to DC.

Tried to talk about in a very gentle way with DH but immediately he got angry so either he genuinely doesn’t see it or it’s too painful.

I am dreading their visit because I just feel so angry at them. I feel gutted for my DC. My DF wasn’t a great dad and doesn’t show much interest as a GP. FIL and his wife live abroad and so are not around much. My DM loves my DC almost as much as we do and this makes up for it a bit, but I find it so sad that DC have six GP only one of which seems interested. If MIL didn’t make so much effort with youngest GC it would feel so much easier.

Please help me get perspective.

If I’m not BU to feel upset and angry - What do I do with it? Shut up and put up or try and address it? Should I try harder to try and build GP and DC relationship or let nature take its course and be there to provide love and support when the inequality shows itself to DC - which it will eventually.

If I’m BU, why? What can’t I see? What am I missing?

[Onesnowynight]

[quote CaptainAwkward]@Onesnowynight that’s so cruel.

Did she ever get pulled up on her nasty behaviour?[/quote]
Never. Her and my mum didn’t get on (actually my mum gets along with no one we are no contact) but none of my aunts or uncles said anything. I just remember feeling so hurt as a child that I wasn’t loved as much, and as a parent can’t imagine how a child can be treated like that. Like I said if I was a difficult child maybe I’d understand but all I was interested in was books and horse riding.

[CaptainAwkward]

@Onesnowynight that’s so cruel.

Did she ever get pulled up on her nasty behaviour?

[altiara]

Have you and DH thought about organising meet ups with DHs siblings so the kids get to see their cousins, rather than focusing on the GPs?

[Onesnowynight]

I used to walk over to my nana when I was about 7/8 and she would have my cousins then and make dinner for them all, then tell me to go to my other nans if I was hungry. She would also have them over night and babysit. She had me once and dad had to come at 8am to fetch me. I was a good kid though! I was a quiet bookworm! It hurt so much!

[MzHz]

Looking at the hands off nature of your dh with his family, and your comments about elephants and tripping over emotional baggage swept under carpets, without knowing what they are, I’d guess it’s more of the same, your h knows he’s not the favoured one

It’s your own issues that’s trying to rectify the situation in your side of the family by driving the contact with his family

They’re not interested- it’s not a reflection on you, or your kids, it’s possibly your h but it’s deep ingrained

I’m glad you’ve decided to back off, to stop pushing, and to refuse to carry the load of this.

Your h has his way of dealing with it, and I’d take his lead

Backing off May mean they come to you, you never know

Good luck with this.

[Sceptre86]

I understand where you are coming from but honestly there isn't anything you can do about it. My dh lives with my bil, sil and their kid, we lived with them at one point too and she still favoured their son over our dd and ds. Sil and I are both pregnant and due to her history of early births our babies are likely to be born at the same time. Our baby will not get a look in and there will be no offers of support or visits unless we go to her. It angers me that she favours one grandchild over the others but my kids whilst being preschoolers are not that close to her and that is her own doing. Ultimately it hurts her son but they too are the type if family that sweep everything under the carpet for it to be dealt with. I am lucky that my parents dote on them and so even though they physically see them less they are very close.

It just isn't something you can force although I understand feeling you need to try for the sake of your kids. As they get older though they will realise that they are not loved as much by their grandparents as sil's kids and that could do them damage so u would let it go. Focus on your own family unit x

[Etherealhedgehog]

Not necessarily saying YABU but if you take a step back and try not to view this through the lens of your DH's issues with them... They booked a trip to come see you in March, which was cancelled, they have booked a B and B to come for a couple of days and they've arranged their holiday with SIL so they can see you at the same time. So they see a lot more of SIL, who they live closer to... I'm not sure why this is such a big deal. Distance and all sorts of other factors can lead to variation in how much and how GP relate to their various grandchildren. This doesn't mean, as some PP have suggested, that they are terrible GP and you should prepare for them to no longer be in your lives. It sounds like a family history of favouritism and some issues on the part of your husband have pre-disposed you to be very sensitive about this and there is a risk that you end up pushing them away and messing up what could be a perfectly nice relationship for your DC as a result. My cousins lived closed to my DGPs and saw a lot more of them, including sleepovers without their DPs, which we never did. I never felt that this made my relationship with my DGPs any less. And cousins were often around when we visited and we loved that. (Surely they might think that getting the cousins and SIL together with you when they come to the beach could be a nice thing?)

Sorry, that was rambly, but in summary: it sounds like you are getting hung up on measuring their relationship your DC against their relationship with SIL/other GP and in doing so risk throwing away what could be a perfectly lovely GP relationship for your children. Maybe just try to separate what you personally think about this family and their issues from the GP relationship and just let it be what it is...which sounds fine to me.

[Aprilwasverywet]

My mil dps the 'our such and such' about sils dc.. Don't think she even realised...
But remember one day op when they need anything you can send their requests to sil guilt - free...

[SnackSizeRaisin]

Sorry not their MIL, your mil obviously!

[SnackSizeRaisin]

OP I would stop bothering about this. You can't do anything about the favouritism. However your children are not going to know any different. It's more likely to become apparent to them if you try and enforce contact. If you let the relationship ebb away naturally their MIL will just be an irrelevant old woman. They won't want to go on holiday with her or go to the beach with her as they won't know her. They have no reason to know how much contact she has with other family members. Just ensure you never mention your thoughts on the matter.
Children need to feel equally loved by their parents or people they see day to day and who are responsible for caring for them. They are not going to damaged or even particularly affected by the behaviour of a grandparent they see once or twice a year.

[Billandben444]

That is your explanation, doesn't apply to the OP and of course you find a way to make it ok, you're hardly going to just say "sure, I favour one GC over another, so what?", are you?

But I wouldn't say that because it isn't true so don't put words in my mouth to suit your narrative. The OP's MIL could have reasons (valid to her) why there is this disparity.

[Dita73]

My parents are like this with my brother’s children. I think the main reason was that they hate his wife (now ex) but parents are naturally closer to their daughters children

[cptartapp]

I've had 18 years of this. PIL called SIL's DC 'ours' when they were all little. Many favouritisms they think I haven't noticed. They may live closer, but that shouldn't mean they get bigger and better gifts at Xmas and birthday. Prioritised for childcare etc. It seem they simply continued where they left off favouring SIL over DH, many many examples of that too.
Step back. SIL is far more beholden to them as they age.

[mainsfed]

+I’m feeling pressure to make their stay really lovely so that they want to come back which is ridiculous and makes me feel really pathetic! blush*

Glad to see you’re not going to feel responsible anymore.

I wouldn’t bother seeing them at all M-F, as the kids will be at school.

If they want to meet up on the weekend, suggest the local pub or cafe.

How have you made their stay lovely in the past?

[Musntgrumble2021]

SwedishK

My father isn’t interested in any children. Like I said, its the disparity that hurt. FIL lives abroad so sees all GC rarely. The difference in how much they seek out and want a relationship with our DC compared to SIL is the bit that hurt (not a single parent btw - married and could have used key worker childcare so has options - they don’t need to work full time but chose to). But like I said that’s how it is. I’m going to accept it and let it go.

I agree that I need to step out of it and I am going to just focus on the relationship with my mum who is an adoring GP and DC will often ask to face time her just to tell her about the little things that happen which is lovely.

I had been holding on to a sense of responsibility to DC to promote their relationship but have decided to let that go. ‘Not my family, not my issue!’

[SwedishK]

Yes, I think you should let it go. Also, keep in mind that MIL is doing far better than your FIL and DH, and they seem to be off the hook. Also, that it's natural for her to spend more time with the GC who lives nearby.

[Musntgrumble2021]

Dddccc

I see a few issues you moved away is the biggest one why should they always come to you why can't you visit them, the sil lives next to mil so is bound to be closer to the gc as they can see them more often, I think you need to try and visit them or maybe you can all book to go away with the inlaws, this is not all on the mil or sil issues

Pre Covid we did. It’s not the lack of visiting but the difference in how much my DC matter to them hurts. They could easily come and visit cheaply in their caravan but have chosen to travel in the opposite direction, for longer, for all of their many caravan breaks. It’s the feeling that they don’t want to spend time with my DC that has hurt. But unless I see signs it’s effecting DC badly I’m going to let it go now and leave it.

Also, generally, to be clear, it’s not about ‘fighting over resources’ - it’s not, for me, about the disparity in childcare (although it would be nice if they offered sometimes like they do for SIL) - like I said, we have set up our life knowing we live away from support so we know we can do (and want to do) our own childcare. It’s the hurt of feeling like they actively seek out spending time with youngest GC but seem to actively avoid seeing ours.

I do think, on reflection, MIL is avoiding the pain of being around her son with whom she knows she doesn’t have a good relationship and has let down and hurt at times. But there is nothing I can do about that. ‘Not my family, not my issue’ so I’m going to chill about the whole thing unless my DC start to struggle.

[SwedishK]

I think you are a little bit unfair on your MIL. First of all, she is the only one you are complaining about. Not your FIL or your DF who you seem to have no expectation of. It also seems like all the effort to get together is on your MIL, why can't you travel to see her instead? It also seems like your SIL lives much closer and is a single parent(?), so she obviously need a different level of support. I think you need to leave this up to your husband. If he has no interest in fixing this, there is no point in you trying or getting upset. They clearly has never had a particularly close relationship, so the likelihood of that happening now is slim. My DH and his mother are the same way, and I have stopped trying as it doesn't go anywhere. It's quite nice to not think about it. Like you, my kids have a great and close relationship with my mum instead, and I try and focus on that.

[DorisLessingsCat]

So glad you are letting go. It's really up to your DH to facilitate the relationship and if my daughter-in-law gave me a list of activities to do with my grandson over zoom I would be

I don't think your children will give a fig that their grandparents are spending time with a toddler on the beach, especially if they are older and grandparents, beaches and toddlers are all distinctly uncool.

I like the idea that you are going through a mental audit of other things to let go. I bet you have accumulated tonnes of mental / emotional load on behalf of your DH and extended family...

[Jjlrb47922]

Just pull back. You hardly see them anyway. Even if your kids were able to see them July at this visit it would probably be ages before they saw them again. One little visit isn't enough to build a close relationship. I really wouldn't bother, and I'm sure your kids won't be bothered as they get older.
My in laws live close by to us and still hardly see us. Don't know anything about our kids lives etc. Their daughter has just had her first baby and they are obsessed and see them all the time and also provide childcare. It doesn't bother my husband, but I get very childish about it all and feel jealous!

[tobedtoMNandfart]

DON'T 'feel a duty to facilitate the relationship'. Why would you when they aren't that interested and your DC could get hurt?

All managing of ILs falls to DH.

[Dddccc]

I see a few issues you moved away is the biggest one why should they always come to you why can't you visit them, the sil lives next to mil so is bound to be closer to the gc as they can see them more often, I think you need to try and visit them or maybe you can all book to go away with the inlaws, this is not all on the mil or sil issues

[Onceuponatime1818]

My in laws are similar but with 2 sons so it’s not a daughter thing in their case.

Basically, I’ve just stopped caring about it, make
Minimal effort myself and focus on the positive people in our lives

[Ivy48]

You need to let it drop. It’s not your job to facilitate time together. Me and my sister were the forgotten GC and it hurt more and was so obvious when spending time with GP and cousins that were were left out. Stop pushing or giving options and wait for them to come to you. Your DC clearly aren’t a priority ti them as it sounds like they’ve had little contact lately and are now probably used to it. They’ll notice it and from their own opinions soon.
Also have you checked your DC even want to have all this quality time? Sounds quite forced to
Me

[Musntgrumble2021]

Just to clarify, apart from gently and tentatively raising it with DH once, I never openly complain or get upset. Am very careful to talk positively about them. All my anger and hurt is held inside hence needing to vent here and get a different perspective.