To want assurance that it will come good for my baby in the end?

[guiltguiltguilt]

Perhaps not AIBU, but posting for traffic so be gentle please!

My DS is now three months old and was born at 39 weeks by section after a difficult birth first time around. His sister was born at 42+2 by EMCS after a long induction. My son has reflux and a clear diastasis - he has had feeding issues.

Since he was born, I have realised that I simply got him out too early. I had hot flushes I didn't have first time round, he had an outie belly button and tiny scrawny little legs with a relatively much bigger head, he had feeding issues. I am wracked with guilt for getting him out early for my own convenience rather than his (partly, due to my experience first time round where the midwives and junior doctors ignored me and pushed vaginal birth until very late on I just didn't believe that if I went into Labour early the doctors would honour the section but also due to Covid and childcare issues 39 weeks was easier than 40). My pre section consultation with a junior doctor was all about mode of delivery and the doctor was respectful but clearly would have preferred me to try a VBAC and her suggestion that I leave him in to 40 weeks to give me a chance of that persuaded me to stick to my guns for a 39 week section. If anyone had suggested him staying in earlier FOR HIM but definitely having a section regardless I really would have done.

He was 8lb 13 at birth, so I was right that he was a decent weight, but I now realise that it's not just about weight. He struggles a lot more than my DD did and we have both had a difficult start as a result. He has dropped centiles. It has been a lot harder managing two kids than it might have been.

I know that I am lucky to have a broadly healthy baby and that other babies are born properly premature, but I can't stop thinking that he was probably born 2-3 weeks early based on how long I carry a baby to term for. I am kicking myself for not doing more research.

Is there anyone else out there who has had an undercooked baby and felt like this? Will it all come good in the end?

[boringcreation]

I had an emergency c-section after a failed induction at 41+ 5 and had similar issues, baby in 25th percentile, reflux, looked thin etc. Went on medication for the reflux and changed to a reflux formula. So I don't think the 39 weeks had anything to do with it, all babies are different. Did you feel the baby had hiccups all the time when you were pregnant?

Anyway the reflux issues got better each month and went away around 5 months when I started him on solids. He's nearly two now and is still thin but more lean than scrawny, it's just his body type. Happiest toddler in the world.

You didn't do anything wrong, just keep going it does get better I promise.

[Lemonlemon88]

It will get better xx i know lots of overdue babies who had feeding issues and my friends 42 week born baby is the grumpiest baby in the world. My children both have giant heads, one 40+5 and one 39 weeks, familial macrocephaly, its worth measuring your own head to see if its huge as I have a giant head too, it turns out!

[cutebutscary]

Please don't feel bad, I had both of mine delivered c section at 39 weeks due to severe hyperemesis . One of them fed fine, the other had severe reflux, feeding issues , lots of vomiting , unable to lie flat without being sick so we put the head end of the cot on raisers . We found out when she was around 18 months it was because of a pre existing medical condition . It's not anything to do with being a bit early OP . Don't feel guilty . Some babies just have awful feeding problems . I know how hard it is

[Hankunamatata]

Even if he had been left a couple of weeks that wouldnt have chnages his reflux or tongue tie. Reflux babies are the hardest. They arnt happy because of the pain and it can take so long to find the right treatment plan. You need some support. Dont have guilt xxz

[NoSquirrels]

I’m sorry you feel this way, OP.

I’m just going to echo the others that 39 weeks is fine, you can’t extrapolate that you ‘cook’ your babies longer based on a sample size of 2 (none of us can!) and the tongue tie and feeding issues are not related to his gestation - it’s just how it goes.

My first was born at 2 days off 37 weeks. Scrawny, jaundiced, much smaller, slow to gain weight throughout infancy- all of the above. My second was born 2 days off 40 weeks and very chubby right from the start - “a Bonny baby”, kindly. Both same genetics. Both had their own individual issues unrelated to anything I did as a parent.

Be kind to yourself. Two children is a big adjustment, and you don’t need sneaky guilt worming its way in to make you anxious.

You made good decisions. Please don’t judge yourself because absolutely no one else will, I promise you that.

[Keepingitreal14]

As others have said, all of these things could have happened at full term or over cooked! Every baby and pregnancy is different.

My first DS was born at 42 weeks 8lb 1oz and suffered with jaundice. My DD was born at 36 weeks at 4lb 1oz, she was very greedy from day one (amazed the midwifes), she would take milk from a cup, bottle or boob. Had no feeding preference at all. She also didn’t have jaundice. Despite being very greedy, she massively struggled to gain weight. She had to be moved to special high calorie formula to help. She only went into newborn clothes at 6 months old. She was very small for her age up until being about 7. Now at 8, almost 9 she’s caught up and now actually in 10-11 clothes (first time in her life being bigger then she is).

I’m wondering if you could have a little PND, maybe a chat to your GP might help?

[Snakeprint]

@guiltguiltguilt

Probably not. Thank you for asking.

It has been a tough start. Jaundice, feeding issues, reflux. I guess he just looks very different to my daughter, who was so robust and so happy by this stage. He looks younger than he is. He has slipped down the centiles (though GP says he is fine and may improve once TT is snipped) and he is just simply less happy - he is on omeprazole, which has improved things for him and he no longer screams and winces all the time (we had two weeks where he just refused to feed due to pain), but he is a tentative feeder.

I suppose I just want some reassurance that things will come good. From people who have been there.

This could be nothing to do with when he was born.

[idontlikealdi]

Mine were 31 weekers, that's premature. 39 isn't.

You sound like you are in the throes of PND. Speak to you gp and see what help you can get, any baby can have any issue, it's nothing to do with you have a section at 39.

[WatermelonKisses]

My baby was born at 39 weeks spontaneously, she has an outie belly button (what relevance does this have?) and was not a happy baby at all, she didn't have feeding issues but she was always tiny and stayed small on the centiles. She had colic and just cried a lot! She's 22 months now and the happiest girl. IMO some babies just don't like being babies . Don't beat yourself up!

[Tetrixxs]

Actually, I do understand how you feel. Me & my husband have had a similar discussion, I’ve had two spontaneous labours & an induction at 40+9 with DS3.

DS3 is the only one with reflux, mucus, wind, etc. Couldn’t lay him flat for 5 weeks without him squirming & groaning, sicking up. When he was a newborn on the way home from hospital he was gagging on his mucus.

I’m convinced because I had an induction & he wasn’t ‘ready’ that’s why - and he was 9 days overdue! I wish I would have let him come when he was ready.

So I know how you feel, he’s 6 weeks now & the wind is a lot better & he’s a happier boy but it’s been a hard slog in those early days not being able to lie him down!

[SleepingStandingUp]

I get the delivery guilt. I had my twins at 36 weeks, planned C Sec, my choice. I could have pushed for a week later but we had respite care booked for eldest which meant I wouldn't be delivering twins alone. They were both just under 7lbs but my milk hadn't and didn't really ever come in. I pushed myself to pump for 4 weeks but I was pretty dry by then. They both have reflux and at 17 months are barely talking and only kinda walking. There's a part of me that thinks if I'd just kept them in longer they'd be further along at the comparative age, maybe they wouldn't have reflux or allergies, maybe my milk would have come in properly and I could have fed them. Maybe they'd have had longer to grow and develop inside me so would be doing more stuff. We'd have had more time just us instead of it falling over Xmas which meant having 4 yo home etc.

But at 39 weeks your baby WAS fully cooked. Past 4p weeks there's an increased risk of the placenta failing. The things inside him that gave him reflux etc were likely coded into him ling before he came out. His legs wouldn't have suddenly chunked out whilst his belly remained constant. His belly button is one of those things that again is just part of how they are.

Please speak to your HV and GP. It's really hard when you're alone with all the Mum guilt of everything in the world you could have done differently.

You didn't do anything wrong.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Re the relfux and bad eating, make sure if he's still refkuxy you speak to the go as there's different medicines but yes it gets better although it is hard
We never went anywhere without something to mop up sock and spare clothes. It's also easier once they start to wean which you may be advised to do between 4-6 months of the reflux is still bad.
If it's no longer hurting to eat, he will get better at it. His tiny brain knows the bote make his Timmy feel full but his throat sore (you know, in baby instinct not full comprehension) so he just needs to relearn that the bottle just makes his tummy happy. Just make sure you stay on the ball with it as he puts on weight incase he needs more.
I had a baby who was tube fed all liquids as he refused anything (medical complexities from surgery) and he still weaned at 6 months onto solids

[jumpbounce]

I mean this in the nicest possible way, I think you should probably speak to your GP it sounds like you may have post natal depression or post natal anxiety because really your baby does not have reflux because he was born at 39 weeks. 39 weeks is not premature so none of this is your fault.
I had a 35 almost 36 weeker and they have long term medical problems, is it related to their prematurity or was it something they would have had anyway? That is something we will never know but knowing children who were full term and overdue who have similar issues it would seem its unlikely to have been related.

[Bananasforme]

I know how you feel. I have felt the same about having an induction at 39 weeks and that I should have waited a few days, but I know it's not rational...

Do speak to your GP or Health Visitor about how you are feeling.

[guiltguiltguilt]

Thanks very much to you all

I do generally suffer from anxiety and probably do need to have some therapy - will talk to the GP.

For the person he asked, yes he had hiccups in the womb a lot.

This time around has been a bit of a struggle and I have sort of had a range of issues that seem to have cropped up where I have felt I have been chasing my tail and which should have been picked up sooner - I did contact my HV in the early weeks but I couldn't get an appt for 3 weeks so I ended up at the GP when the reflux had got much more serious, for example. And the TT is something I only got diagnosed a few weeks ago (they wanted to wait for the snip until his reflux medication had settled as he already had some feeding aversion issues and wanted him to be as relaxed as possible when the procedure is done, so will be this week).

I think as a result I have fallen into blaming myself. I have got some more practical help with the kids now. But I think I am still processing the stress of having a baby who wouldn't feed. I'll talk to the GP.

[KurtWilde]

All my babies were born at 37 weeks, which is considered full term. I'm sorry he's had issues but I honestly don't think that has anything to do with coming a week before his due date.

[PineappleWilson]

OP, I remember having similar thoughts about my eldest, who was induced at 37 weeks. I just felt that he wasn't ready to arrive. One of my others had a tongue tie and, looking back, this had the biggest impact on any of my kids. Get it cut asap. Go private if you can (NHS don't offer anterior tongue tie in the NHS in my county so we'd have had to travel). Once your baby can move his tongue and start to feed properly, you'll find that other things, jaundice etc. will work themselves out. Do you have a support bubble? Set one up if you can to get help with your toddler or to have the baby whilst you catch up on sleep. You need to be gentle with yourself, and get what HV support you can. You're learning how to parent again, with a baby and a (potentially jealous) toddler.

[feesh]

If it makes you feel better, I had twins at 37+5. One of them was an absolute chunk. The other came out exactly like your little boy - skinny, weak tummy, umbilical hernia, major digestion issues and eventual diagnosis with CMPA. He was wayyyy below the centile he should have been on, and really sped up his growth once we had sorted out the CMPA and got him on the right formula.

My theory isn’t that we got him out too early, but actually too late. I think his placenta was failing him. And I think there is some as yet unknown link between that and his poor gut health/gut bacteria issues which underly CMPA.

[QueenPaw]

I was under 4lbs at birth and anaphylactic allergies to egg and milk and as my dad said "looked like a skinned rabbit"
I'm now 5ft 10 and a almost normal functioning human

[JeepGreen]

OP, I understand what you are asking. My first baby was born at 42 weeks, my second was born at 38+2 after an induction because of my own health issues. They were both classed as full term, but they were completely different babies, which I think was partly because of the extra month that my first baby had in the womb. First baby was alert and chirpy from birth, and fed like a champion, second baby literally slept for 23 hours a day for the first six weeks, and could barely feed without falling back asleep.

I struggled so much with comparing my babies - I felt that every difference I saw between them was an indication that I had failed my second baby by getting him out sooner than his brother for my own health reasons.

Second baby is now nearly two, and he's doing just fine. More and more like his big brother every day. I think it took until he was about 4 months old for him to level up to his brother at the equivalent age.

[Ecruelworld]

Nothing that your DS is experiencing is your fault OP. Truly it isn‘t. Reflux/colic or whatever you want to call it is incredibly common due to a long wiggly digestive system being packed into a tiny interior and the whole package being horizontal a lot of the time. It causes problems for so many babies. Reflux is so common i think it should be considered normal. I think it’s probably more unusual for a baby to have zero reflux/colic in the first 6 months till they’re able to be upright a little more. Some are affected badly and are helped by medication and upright feeding and thickeners for feeds etc. Some are considered happy chuckers (are content and feed well but bring up lots of milk)

You haven’t been selfish or done anything wrong and you are absolutely not to blame. DS is just different to your DD. He will come good OP. He IS good now. The majority of reflux sorts itself out as the digestive system develops. Postnatal anxiety is also incredibly common and there is help out there. I wish there had been back when I had my DC as it ruined my first few years with them. I honestly believed they would waste away due to their reflux and difficult feeding. Definitely talk to your GP or HV.

[boringcreation]

It was me who asked about the hiccups. I've heard (but is probably an old wives tale) that excessive hiccups in the womb is a sign that the baby will have reflux. My first had hiccups 3 or 4 times a day that would last 5 or 10 minutes and he had bad reflux. So it wouldn't have mattered if you had waited, the reflux would still have been there.
I promise it does get better.

[littleredberries]

As above - 39w is fine. Every baby is different. Also, I don't think that it's right for you to blame everything else.
I'm sure it will get better though, and good luck.

[PattyPan]

I agree, the issues aren’t anything to do with being born at 39 weeks. Especially the belly button which has nothing to do with when they’re born! I was born a month premature and spent some time in NICU but turned out totally fine - normal size, Oxbridge graduate. Don’t worry

[guiltguiltguilt]

@JeepGreen

That is EXACTLY it. Thank you for this. I know rationally it is a marathon and not a sprint, but there is a piece of my brain that is not very helpful at the moment.

Thank you all for being so kind and considered in your responses. I know deep down the rational response I would get from a HCP and I do know that this is not objectively a big issue from an outsider perspective. Thank you for not rubbishing me and taking such care in your responses.