To want assurance that it will come good for my baby in the end?

[guiltguiltguilt]

Perhaps not AIBU, but posting for traffic so be gentle please!

My DS is now three months old and was born at 39 weeks by section after a difficult birth first time around. His sister was born at 42+2 by EMCS after a long induction. My son has reflux and a clear diastasis - he has had feeding issues.

Since he was born, I have realised that I simply got him out too early. I had hot flushes I didn't have first time round, he had an outie belly button and tiny scrawny little legs with a relatively much bigger head, he had feeding issues. I am wracked with guilt for getting him out early for my own convenience rather than his (partly, due to my experience first time round where the midwives and junior doctors ignored me and pushed vaginal birth until very late on I just didn't believe that if I went into Labour early the doctors would honour the section but also due to Covid and childcare issues 39 weeks was easier than 40). My pre section consultation with a junior doctor was all about mode of delivery and the doctor was respectful but clearly would have preferred me to try a VBAC and her suggestion that I leave him in to 40 weeks to give me a chance of that persuaded me to stick to my guns for a 39 week section. If anyone had suggested him staying in earlier FOR HIM but definitely having a section regardless I really would have done.

He was 8lb 13 at birth, so I was right that he was a decent weight, but I now realise that it's not just about weight. He struggles a lot more than my DD did and we have both had a difficult start as a result. He has dropped centiles. It has been a lot harder managing two kids than it might have been.

I know that I am lucky to have a broadly healthy baby and that other babies are born properly premature, but I can't stop thinking that he was probably born 2-3 weeks early based on how long I carry a baby to term for. I am kicking myself for not doing more research.

Is there anyone else out there who has had an undercooked baby and felt like this? Will it all come good in the end?

[Maray1967]

I think 39 weeks is absolutely normal and gone. Take it from someone who went to 42 with DS 2 and almost that with DS1 - fine first time round, not fine second time round. DS2 had lost weight before birth, gritty placenta, very wrinkly and flaky skin, no way should I have gone that long. 39 weeks would have been better.
I don’t know about the issues you’re facing with his feeding, but I don’t think he was undercooked. Try to put your mind at rest -39 weeks is fine.

[Starburst8]

Just as others have said 39 weeks is considered full term. My baby was born by section at 39 weeks due to a complicated first birth. I was reassured by doctors and nurses that 39 weeks is just as good as being born at 40 weeks.
I know it's hard but try not to beat yourself up, you've done your best for your little one and you haven't endangered your baby.

[SwanShaped]

You’re comparing what has happened with an image in your head of a perfect birth and easy baby. But, you could be on here saying ‘I didn’t have a c section at 39 weeks and I really regret it. I had an awful birth, loads of trauma, tearing’ Or even a worst case scenario. And wishing that you had had a c section at 39 weeks. You don’t know how your baby would be had he been born later. And you also don’t know when you would have gone into labour. Could even have been the next day after c section!

My baby was born at 34 weeks and was just over 3lb. He also had reflux, unsettled, tricky to feed. He’s totally fine now. You’d never know. Some babies are just harder work.

[ifyougetthechancedoit]

Just a bit more reassurance, my DS was born on the 50th centile, for various reasons he was down to the 0.4th centile by 12 months.

He's now 12 and although he's still closer to the 0.4th centile than the 50th he's a happy and healthy child.

[LilaButterfly]

My DD was born at 42 weeks with 2.5kg. Had issues with jaundice and feeding. She was late, but from looking at her she seemed premature.
She is a happy healthy 5 year old now. Still small and thin wearing 3 year old clothing, but active and healthy in every aspect.
She was actually very active and advanced early. Walked at 10 months.

[Tangledtresses]

My first son was full term and had tongue tie and was a bit of a mare too.... I bottle fed him and gave him infacol.... he had colic you name it!
I took him to a cranial osteopath and wow what a difference
He's now a strapping 6' 16 year old! Loves food and sleeps well, sporty and has done well at school.
I had some dark days with him too in those baby years hang on in there you're not alone

My second son was born early 37 weeks and was great at feeding sleeping etc so sometimes it's not us it's just all kids are different and test us in many ways xx

[MyCatIsADentist]

Oh OP, stop kicking yourself!

39 weeks isn’t early - babies are classed as full term from 38 weeks. With a couple of extra weeks he would have grown bigger, but all of his ‘cooking’ was done at 39 weeks.

Some babies just have a harder time than others at the start. Transitioning into the world is a difficult thing. It was NOT caused by your birth choices or any decision you made. It’s just luck of the draw. And he will absolutely be fine - he’ll grow out of his difficulties and be a happy, healthy boy.

Please be gentle with yourself and stop holding yourself responsible. You’re a good mum who made an informed decision about your birth, which is your absolute right. You haven’t done anything wrong, you didn’t cause this, and you shouldn’t feel bad.

[justanotherneighinparadise]

I think you are conflating lots of separate issues. This is a different child. Comparing your second child with your first is not helping you. I understand the guilt but I don’t believe delivering your child at 39 weeks had any bearing on what is happening. I do know that having a c-section instead of a vagina birth can affect hormones, for example milk coming in correctly. So I wonder if the c-section might be to blame for certain aspects, not the time the child was born.

[Wannakisstheteacher]

Please don’t call your baby premature. Firstly, he wasn’t, he was born over the average weight and post term. Secondly for people will actually premature babies hearing a 39 worker described as premature or under cooked is really quite belittling.

[BradPittsLeftTit]

I echo what everyone else has said that there is no link and you're doing amazing.

To answer your initial question and maybe put your mind at ease. I was induced at 39 weeks and my DS had exactly the same issues as yours. In my case, he was also small (5lb 3) due to tablets I was taking whilst pregnant for health issues.

I felt incredibly guilty as I also think he could have done with another week or so but the doctors said he was healthy and full term. He had little sparrow arms and legs and I was terrified he'd break!

Feeding issues, reflux, outy bellie button coupled with being tiny and on the lowest centile he started to catch up at 6 months and although always been on the back end of 'normal development' (crawled/walked/sat up at the end of what's 'normal'), he is now a thriving toddler

He eats me out of house and home, plays all day, sleeps well, is loving and affectionate and you cannot tell at all of his difficult start

Hang in there and just keep going, he'll be fine! 💙

[FrozenCucumberPresse]

@guiltguiltguilt

And yes, without HV in the early weeks and flailing around a bit I have relied on google too much and if has not been my friend!

Try Googling:

• jaundice
• diastasis (and outie belly button!)
• reflux

Etc

All of them will say in the entry "more common in early/premature babies" etc.

I think my anxiety is causing me to see a link that isn't there in reality.

Will step away from google

Your child wasn't early or premature though, so that information isn't applicable to your situation. As you've identified, you're seeing things that aren't really there. Definitely speak to your doctor asap.

[DeliaOwens]

OP, please be kind to yourself and do try to chat with your GP. No Consultant would bring a baby into the world too early. As many have said, 37 weeks and onwards is considered full term. You need to forgive yourself. You sound like a nice person who has ruminating thoughts and this can be remedied.
Please take solace in my story. I unexpectedly had my twins at 33weeks and it was ECS. One was just under 4lbs, the other under 5lbs. One fed well, burped well, slept well. The other did not. It is just who they are and how they are. The one who didn't feed well is now a strapping 14 year old, who eats everything put in front of him and stands about 5' 10". The other doesn't eat so much but is an award winning athlete.
It will turn out ok. You will BOTH be ok.

[kungfupannda]

I'd be very surprised if being born at 39 weeks rather than 40 caused these issues.

I had a 39 weeker, a 42 weeker and a 37-38 weeker (some doubt over dates). Almost no difference between them in terms of feeding, health, development as babies. The 42 weeker was a pound heavier, but that's about it. The earliest of the three was actually the slightly better feeder.

[ArnoldBee]

It's natural to compare your children but you need to stop. They are individuals who will ebb and flow when it suits them. Having had a baby with reflux I know how hard it is and this will be impacting your thoughts.
As has been mentioned before its a marathon and not a sprint. My lovely nearly 9 year old has only just started eating full meals. He was on the lowest centile up until his weight check at age 5.

[Chickenlickeninthepot]

I think a good chat with the GP is the right call OP. Step away from Google.

My two were both full term but slightly early (38 weeks & 39 weeks) and similar weights to yours. The 39 weeker has more issues than the 38 weeker so in my experience the extra week makes no difference - would she not have reflux if she'd come out a week sooner, who knows?!

[Ecruelworld]

I forgot to mention I was 4lbs at birth, looked like and ate like a bird and in adulthood have a cast iron digestive system and a huge appetite.

[guiltguiltguilt]

And yes, without HV in the early weeks and flailing around a bit I have relied on google too much and if has not been my friend!

Try Googling:

• jaundice
• diastasis (and outie belly button!)
• reflux

Etc

All of them will say in the entry "more common in early/premature babies" etc.

I think my anxiety is causing me to see a link that isn't there in reality.

Will step away from google

[Smartiesandhugs]

My DD was born on her due date and had jaundice, tongue tie, CMPA which caused reflux and still has an outie belly button at 2.5 years. I completely understand that the feeding issues are hard to deal with, keep pushing your GP and try to get a dietician referral if the reflux persists as for us it was a symptom of CMPA but we didn’t get it sorted until 8 months. It was hell and definitely caused me to suffer PND. Mostly because drs don’t listen to you. She is amazing and completely grown out of her CMPA now

[guiltguiltguilt]

@JeepGreen

That is EXACTLY it. Thank you for this. I know rationally it is a marathon and not a sprint, but there is a piece of my brain that is not very helpful at the moment.

Thank you all for being so kind and considered in your responses. I know deep down the rational response I would get from a HCP and I do know that this is not objectively a big issue from an outsider perspective. Thank you for not rubbishing me and taking such care in your responses.

[PattyPan]

I agree, the issues aren’t anything to do with being born at 39 weeks. Especially the belly button which has nothing to do with when they’re born! I was born a month premature and spent some time in NICU but turned out totally fine - normal size, Oxbridge graduate. Don’t worry

[littleredberries]

As above - 39w is fine. Every baby is different. Also, I don't think that it's right for you to blame everything else.
I'm sure it will get better though, and good luck.

[boringcreation]

It was me who asked about the hiccups. I've heard (but is probably an old wives tale) that excessive hiccups in the womb is a sign that the baby will have reflux. My first had hiccups 3 or 4 times a day that would last 5 or 10 minutes and he had bad reflux. So it wouldn't have mattered if you had waited, the reflux would still have been there.
I promise it does get better.

[Ecruelworld]

Nothing that your DS is experiencing is your fault OP. Truly it isn‘t. Reflux/colic or whatever you want to call it is incredibly common due to a long wiggly digestive system being packed into a tiny interior and the whole package being horizontal a lot of the time. It causes problems for so many babies. Reflux is so common i think it should be considered normal. I think it’s probably more unusual for a baby to have zero reflux/colic in the first 6 months till they’re able to be upright a little more. Some are affected badly and are helped by medication and upright feeding and thickeners for feeds etc. Some are considered happy chuckers (are content and feed well but bring up lots of milk)

You haven’t been selfish or done anything wrong and you are absolutely not to blame. DS is just different to your DD. He will come good OP. He IS good now. The majority of reflux sorts itself out as the digestive system develops. Postnatal anxiety is also incredibly common and there is help out there. I wish there had been back when I had my DC as it ruined my first few years with them. I honestly believed they would waste away due to their reflux and difficult feeding. Definitely talk to your GP or HV.