To wonder if this level of grieving is healthy

Ginsprinkledcake · 2021-04-20 08:14:12

I’m prepared to be flamed for this, so I just want to point out now that I’ve said nothing to DH, and have always tried to be supportive. DH lost a close family member very suddenly and tragically, almost 20 years ago. We have been together for six years, and have a baby together. Every year, on the anniversary of the relative’s death, DH is understandably sad and thoughtful, he tends to take the day off work, and for some time before and after he is quite withdrawn, and can be a bit unintentionally grumpy. I have always been supportive – I make no requests of him around this time of year, I make sure I factor the date into other plans, make him a nice dinner and just try to be there for him. However – and I feel like a bitch for saying this, and I totally, totally accept I am probably being very unfair here- I suppose at some level I did assume this would not be happening every year, forever, however it doesn’t seem to. The anniversary has occurred twice since our baby was born, and both times it has been the same. The issue I have is this – it is often quite difficult for DH to take time off for his job, he has been unable to take time off in the past for things that were important to me, and which I would have liked his support on- which is fine, I’m an adult woman and can manage. However he is always able to take the anniversary off, always. When our baby is older, is the anniversary, and the death of this relative, going to overshadow and take precedence, potentially, to school plays, parent’s evening, sports events? I am starting to feel that it will, and increasingly I wonder if the dynamic is healthy. This has caused a lot of soul searching and thinking on my part in regards to how this bereavement has affected my DH and his family. They almost seem frozen in time – they talk about the death, and the loss of the relative, in hushed voices, and in the time leading up to the anniversary-for the whole month it falls in-there are no smiles, no discussion about anything happy or positive – a few times I’ve forgotten, and been overly cheery (I’m naturally quite a cheerful and optimistic person) and have only remembered myself when there has been a silence after I speak, then a comment reminding me of what time of year it is. Obviously none of this has been the case with covid, as we haven’t seen DH’s family, and I’m sorry to say that it’s been a relief. DH, although he has taken time off work as usual, wasn’t quite as down either, which I feel is because he wasn’t around his family. There are other older children in the family, and again I see things with new eyes- none of them ever met the late family member, but they talk of them sadly, say they miss him etc. DH also tends to use the death as a reason why he has not done or achieved the things in life that he thought he would. He does have a point here – he was crippled with depression before he met me. Along with his siblings, they essentially gave up their jobs, hobbies and education when this family member died, and while this was understandably a result of the traumatic loss and accompanying grief, I feel they are almost afraid of life now, and holding on to their grief because they are afraid to move forward. I probably shouldn’t try to analyse it all, but as I say, I see things differently and I don’t want my baby being part of such an overwhelming grief, for someone they did not know. I probably haven’t explained things very well in this post, and I’m sure I sound really horrible, but obviously I haven’t breathed a word of this to DH. I just don’t know how healthy it is to allow this to have such an influence on our family life

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Hi all. We've got some concerns about this thread and we're not sure that the OP is here to post in good faith. Thanks to all those who have responded so far - but we've taken this thread down now.