Am I being abusive to my baby?

[BearAtWork]

I’m exhausted. I’ve got PND and on medication.

Baby cries at nap time and after an hour of trying to help him sleep (he’s been showing signs of tiredness) I start to get cross and I’m worried he can feel it. I put him down in his cot, go next dor and shout and throw something. He’s crying. I went back in and cuddled and fed him and he went to sleep, but how much does he feel of my stress? And my shouting must have scared him? This has happened a few times and I’m worried it’s causing him harm. Is it abuse? I feel awful. I cuddle him so close whilst he’s sleeping but I feel like I’m damaging him by getting so worked up.

Am I bad mum? How do I stop getting so frustrated?

[NameChange30]

You are not a bad mum or abusive As PPs said you did the right thing to put baby down in a safe place and go into a different room to let your frustration out.

What medication are you on and what dose? You might need to increase the dose or change medication. Call the GP.

Call the HV too, they should be calling to check on you regularly (mine did until recently - mild PND that is now under control with meds)

[La12]

You are absolutely not being abusive, the fact that you are even worried about your babies feelings and how your behaviour affects him is testament to what an amazing mum you are. Newborns are hard, incessant crying is hard, PND is hard... the temptation to just grab your coat and walk out the front door is overwhelming sometimes but to do what you just did (removing yourself from the situation, letting out your frustration and then going back to comfort your baby) shows how strong you are. It will get easier, but you definitely need to call your GP and tell them that the medication isn’t doing much and that you may need to try something else. Sending you a massive hug x

[Laiste]

You are not being abusive

You already recognise that you are stuggling. You've sought help (medication). You are already doing the right thing by going into another room.

If you were my daughter i'd be more worried about you and this situation than the effects on the baby right now. Care for you first.

Pupster21 gives great advice. Reach out for more support.

Maybe in the meantime take yourself off to your going away place before you get to the 'shouting stage'. Recognise it building and place baby in the pram/cot and walk away while you can still breathe and relax. You can do it more than once. Do it as often as it takes.

[Confusedandshaken]

Babies absolutely do pick up our moods and stress. That's why a baby can be doing your head screaming and refusing to settle and then calm down instantly someone else comes along and cuddles them. It's so annoying. The good thing is that they pick up on happy, calm feelings as well as the negative ones.

It's not abusive to put your baby down and yell where they can hear you but it will make them more anxious and upset so it's not productive. I used to leave mine in the cot where I knew they were safe and go to the end of the garden to scream and cry. I'd come back 5 mins later, calmer and in control and my improved mindset would improve theirs.

[Plumtree391]

When you say 'nap time', does he or you decide it is time to sleep? If you just waited until he was falling asleep he might be OK and not struggle. Babies don't use a timetable, that comes later when they start school.

Expressing your frustration in a different room is fine, you are not a bad mother. However you cannot force your baby to sleep if they are not ready for it.

[TheKeatingFive]

Of course not. You did the right thing. The pressure on parents (and mostly mums, lets face it), to be 'perfect' is really problematic.

[poorsole]

I'm going to struggle a bit to word this to get across what I mean but when I was going through this the biggest thing that helped me was letting go of any and all expectation. I stopped expecting DD to sleep when I thought she should, stopped having any kind of plan or routine and just relaxed and went with the flow. It took all the stress out of it for me somehow, like I'd accepted that she called the shots and I just had to follow her cues instead of getting frustrated that she wasn't doing what I thought she should be doing. I hope that makes sense, it felt like a bit of a turning point for me when I realised she was the boss so maybe it will help you too

[KVIIIlyne]

You are not frustrated ,you are exhausted, you are struggling and if it was anything else than baby related you would get support!

YOU NEED HELP. Don't be scared to ask for it.

You absolutely did the right thing. Put him down safely in his bed, close the door and go in another room.

Parents who advocate "control crying" are doing exactly that! It's a thing and they are smug about it.

I couldn't be more against that, but it's absolutely fine to put your baby down, and let him cry whilst you take a breath.

[randomlyLostInWales]

DD1 never napped in the cot - ended up co-sleeping for sanity sake - she was a velcro baby.

It was a moving pushchair - or on me either lap/sling or co-sleeping or in a vibrating baby boucing chair. Next child was much easier and third slept where she could then when todldler put herself to bed for naps.

Suggestions I had sheep skin in cot - that did help but not for long- tilting bed massively helped DS as think he had reflux - or baby swing for naps which we couldn't afford but a friend swore by and baby growsuits/sleeping bads so they didn't get cold think that helped keep them asleep rather than get them asleep in cot.

I don't think your being abusive - putting baby somewhere safe and then letting off steam is probably the best way of dealing with the stress - maybe contact the HV again see if there's any additional support opening up soon.

[CentrifugalBumblePuppy]

You sound like a brilliant Mum. Your tiddly is warm, fed & loved. You’ve definitely done the right thing, you made sure he’s safe, then walked away to vent your stress, then returned.

Grumpy, overtired babies are hell & I think all of us have felt that desperate frustration when you know they’re tired, they know they’re tired & they’re fighting it.

I hope you can access some mental health help too. I had PND with both my children. The best advice I can say is just remember, This Too Will Pass.

I’m no one, just a random old bird on the internet, but I think you’re fantastic.

[TonTonMacoute]

Your baby's crying is biologically designed to do your head in! You do not have to be super human.

The best thing we ever did was to put howling baby DS into his cot, switch off the baby monitor and sit and have supper together for 15 minutes in peace. Within a week he would just settle himself and I'm sure it was key to him being a good sleeper ever after because he came to associate his cot with being a calm and safe space. Who knows?

You will do absolutely no harm by leaving a baby to cry for a short time, and it is definitely worth a try. You should not feel guilty about it at all.

[Lullaby88]

My HCV told me even before I had my first child that there will be testing times like when the baby wont sleep, keeps crying no matter what u do. And she said if you ever feel u cant take much more leave the baby in a safe place like the floor (if it cant roll over yet/or just somewhere safe) and go in another room/outside for a short while and swear. I've not sworn lol but I have taken a short break when this happened in the past and remembered her advice, and just gone in another room for 5-10 minutes Its the safest thing to do.

[Nanny0gg]

@BearAtWork

Have been on medication for a month, dont feel better. There’s No one around to help really? Haven’t seen the health visitor since he was born and no family. Partner working overtime at the moment because of Covid.

I feel awful. Will it damage him that I’ve been like this?

No it won't.

I got stressed with mine and they are fine, fully grown adults with families of their own.

But I'm sure, even with Covid, there is some help for you out there. Ring your HV and tell her you absolutely need to have a chat

[CookieMonsterMunch]

Sounds like you did the right thing to me. It won’t harm him. All parents get stressed sometimes and you are modelling a healthy way of dealing with that. When my DC were babies I found it helpful to remind myself that babies just cry sometimes and the parents job isn’t to always fix whatever’s making them cry. you can’t always do that (crying can be caused by wind or colic or getting overtired and worked up). So the parents job is to do what they can (offer food, check nappy, try laying them down, check they are generally well (no temperature or other sign of illness)), and then if they are still crying you just need to be there and comfort them. My DD sometimes just needs to cry and I just sit her on my lap and cuddle her until she feels better and then she’s happy again for the rest of the day. Not feeling I needed to ‘fix it’ for the baby made it easier stay calm when the normal things didnt work

[OolieMacdoolie]

It’s fine to leave your baby in a safe environment like an empty cot and walk away for a couple of minutes to cool down. If you can avoid shouting it would be better to do so, but if it’s in another room it won’t be causing any great harm. You’re doing the right thing having cooling off time.

If you feel an urge to shout, try singing to your baby instead. Sounds ridiculous, but you can’t sing and shout at the same time and it helps regulate your breathing.

Remember - everything is a season. It will pass.

[grenadines]

My kids are now teenagers but when they were small I read a book called Secrets of the Baby whisperer. www.amazon.co.uk/Secrets-Baby-Whisperer-Connect-Communicate/dp/0091857023?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 I would recommend this book even though it is some years since it was published. In it there is a routine for getting your baby to sleep without them crying for a long time. If i remember correctly you put them down for a nap. If they start crying pick them up and cuddle them till they stop and then put them down again the minute the crying subsides. Keep repeating this and they will settle without you having to go through a long period of hearing them cry..it may take a while the first time but they will gradually get into a better sleeping routine for day time naps and then settle better at night too. Try it for the morning nap first. I would recommend reading the book just in case I haven't remembered the details of the routine correctly.

[Nightbear]

You’re doing exactly the right thing.

If you’ve been on medication for a month and you don’t feel much improved you can talk to your GP again. You may need a higher dose or different medication.

[CookieMonsterMunch]

I agree with other posters that talking to HV might be useful. Also Have you found any local groups for new parents? Even a playgroup or baby massage is good for just talking to other parents who will all be going through similar things.

[ConstantlyChanging]

You did exactly the right thing. You are a good mum and you are doing a great job. Baby won’t remember any of this anyway. Look after yourself.

[whycantwegoonasthree]

Oh love, that's so hard… I've been where you are before Covid (PND, epic non-sleeping baby, exhaustion) and it was terrible. And I was fortunate enough to have a HV and a good group of other first time mums. It was still monumentally hard - so must be even harder for you.

First thing - give yourself a huge big-up for managing so well without support, and looking after your baby so brilliantly. (I know you don't think you are, but I see someone who is cuddling, feeding, putting her baby first… ok?) Huge credit too for recognising your PND and getting help. That's really brave. You're a fucking warrior, ok?

Second thing, recognise that this is really hard, and it's perfectly normal to reach the end of your tether from time to time. You're not weird or wrong for losing it. The important thing is what you do when you feel you're on the brink of losing it. And you 100% did the right thing. You o
put your baby somewhere safe and took yourself out of the room to let out your stress and frustration. Big tick in the good mother box, right there, ok?

(Side note - that's what it is - stress and frustration. I know it feels like anger, but anger is something we easily blame ourselves for, stress and frustration is an understandable and proportionate reaction to a stressful and frustrating situation. It night help to give yourself a break if you identify your feelings this way. You're not angry with your baby. You're frustrated and stressed out by his inability to go to sleep and the screaming that comes with it. That's a normal reaction and has less guilt attached.)

And while yes, they do pick up on stress, and it probably doesn't help him to fall asleep, I haven't seen or read anything which suggests it does them lasting harm. You've probably not helped your immediate problem, but you haven't created lasting ones for your little boy.

I got to this point several times with my first - who never fucking slept: couldn't fall asleep, couldn't stay asleep, never took a nap longer than 20 minutes. I had PND too, and blamed myself for everything, and convinced myself that I was harming her irrevocably by getting frustrated and by my inability to 'fix' her sleep - which was definitely, in my mind, caused by something I was getting wrong.

She's now 13, perfectly well adjusted, securely bonded with me and flying high.

Still not much of a sleeper though... just how she's built.

In terms of practical solutions – do you have any friends with similar aged babies that you could feasibly bubble with while you wait for Covid restrictions ease up? Or even just arrange to meet up a few times a week outdoors to vent and chat and share problems with? Because the isolation you're experiencing will be making this all much harder...

And second the posters above who suggest getting hold of your HV and pressing hard for a visit. She'll check your baby and reassure you if nothing else, and that's hugely important.

Also, please try and make sure you're eating properly, and enough... you don't need to be running on empty physically too. x

Meanwhile, have a virtual hug. xx

[RealisticSketch]

I am absolutely convinced that this is the reason lullaby's were invented! They aren't for babies they're for mum's. I was advised by an old hand in the maternity ward when my first was born that you can't get out of control angry when you're singing. That single piece of advice totally saved me. I would be rocking and cuddling my baby while he screamed with reflux and tiredness and could cope for far longer if my soft and gentle voice was singing, it just managed to keep me in the right place mentally. I could be fantasising about running for the hills, or worse fantasies that I can't even write here for shame, but all my baby or anyone looking would have seen was a calm gentle mother soothing her baby. He cried for 8 hours straight once which was a particularly low point, but though I did punch a pillow, he never received anything other than pure love. This is exactly what you are doing, taking your own bad feelings elsewhere and being with him when you can give him what he needs. That's a pragmatic solution to a problem and a good choice.
You're doing great getting through this so far, take any help you can get and forgive yourself, what you are doing is hard.

[tolerable]

no.you are separating yourself before break point.keep going. also..i found it really heelpful..regardless of how wound up to hell or crappy i actually felt..take breath in slow blow out n keep do..sorta helps calm you-and settles baby too. being a mammy isnt always easy. xx

[GJS90]

I don't think there's a mum on this planet who hasn't felt that frustration, it's through exhaustion and helplessness, you're not a bad mum! Going into another room and venting then calming down is the only way to manage sometimes. But all mums need support because it can be a really lonely place; it's so important to let out your feelings to someone so you don't feel alone and in despair. Even if it's just talking on here as you are or calling someone!

[B1rthis]

You're emotions are most definitely picked up by your baby.
Everyone gets fed up and health visitors often advice that putting a baby in a save place (cot?) And closing the door, taking a breather and then coming back when you've composed yourself is a good thing. The alternative can cause life long injuries to your baby.
Your best bet is to lie in bed with your baby so they can feed off to sleep as they feel safest when they are close.

[Fluffycloudland77]

I think after a month you should ring the dr, say you don’t feel like your improving & ask what else they can do.

PND is very, very common & they need to help you.