Am I being abusive to my baby?

[BearAtWork]

I’m exhausted. I’ve got PND and on medication.

Baby cries at nap time and after an hour of trying to help him sleep (he’s been showing signs of tiredness) I start to get cross and I’m worried he can feel it. I put him down in his cot, go next dor and shout and throw something. He’s crying. I went back in and cuddled and fed him and he went to sleep, but how much does he feel of my stress? And my shouting must have scared him? This has happened a few times and I’m worried it’s causing him harm. Is it abuse? I feel awful. I cuddle him so close whilst he’s sleeping but I feel like I’m damaging him by getting so worked up.

Am I bad mum? How do I stop getting so frustrated?

[Amanduh]

You are doing the right thing. He won’t be damaged! You are doing exactly what you should do. Also, everyone feels like this occasionally - it isn’t just you. Nobody talks about the sheer ANGER you sometimes feel in those early days when they just won’t nap or sleep even if they’re usually a good sleeper, nobody mentions that you will actually feel proper rage.
Please be kind to yourself. Having a baby this past year has been utterly shit. I hope the meds will help soon, it’s still early days, but if they don’t in the next month please speak to the GP again.

[Ohpulltheotherone]

You won’t damage him OP, putting him down and screaming into a pillow in the next room will categorically not damage him.

You’re doing your best, it will pass I promise.

I found it so hard and would get so frustrated and wound up I would sob, it did pass as it always does and baby is a very happy, well adjusted, attached toddler. I very rarely lose my shit these days and there is nothing to indicate he remembers me being absolutely frazzled this time last year

[user1470132907]

You’re doing exactly the right thing - literally what is taught at prenatal classes.

Meds take 6-8 weeks minimum to fully kick in and if you’re on a ‘starting’ dose then you may not yet be up at dose where you get the full effect.

It sounds like you need some sort of emotional support memory than you have. Even just to feel confident/energetic enough to try a different tack if putting down in cot isn’t working (e.g. feed in sling and let him sleep in there, take him to sleep in pram, etc.). I realise prenatal classes won’t have run as normal. Do you have anyone else you can speak to?

[Lostmyself86]

No you're not abusive. You haven't hurt your baby or screamed in his face. HV's tell you to put baby in a safe place and take a few minutes to calm down before going back. Babies are hard work, they aren't that way forever but it feels like it in the moment. I have 3 kids and the youngest is 7 months and she tests my patience constantly. Obviously if you're so worked up you're throwing things then you're struggling a lot so after this length of time I'd contact your gp and health visitor again.

[toomuchtooold]

I don't know if they are that sensitive to e.g. shouting in another room. I had twins and it was very common for one to be bawling their lungs out and the other to be either sleeping peacefully or awake and interested but not upset.

By the time my kids' sleep improved, my bedroom doorframe had a good few dents. I'd go out and punch the doorframe, take a big breath, and then go back in.

[RealisticSketch]

Love isn't roses, smiles and cuddles, well it is those things but the deepest most primal love is not acting on your darkest feelings when you're at your lowest point. You aren't abusing him you're caring for him and protecting him, sometimes from your own impulses. That's love.

[JustSleepAlready]

Not a bad mum. Putting him down and walking away when you feel like that is THE BEST THING FOR BOTH OF YOU. scream into and punch a pillow. You’re not being abusive to your baby. And it will get easier as he gets older and your meds have time to start working.

[orangegina]

Hey, you're not a bad Mum. You're just human. I've been there. I remember shouting shut up when baby wouldn't sleep. Hormones and sleep deprivation is a terrible thing. It's such a stressful time

It will get better and easier

Also, letting the baby cry a bit is not a bad thing. Put them down. Go into another room. Scream into a pillow and have a good cry x.

[merrygoround88]

Are you using a soother. I found them an absolute godsend

[merrygoround88]

It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing by putting the baby down and going into another room. I would be slightly worried that it’s happening so much though - you are clearly exhausted

[Rosieposie79]

I remember the frustration of not being able to get my first to sleep for a nap. Everyone else's baby seemed to have lovely predictable naps and I read a load of books about routines which I now realise were a load of rubbish.

It might help to remember that even adults can't always get to sleep when they are tired. It is not that the baby is being deliberately difficult - they are just a little human.

I stopped trying to get mine to sleep in a cot for a while and used a sling, then the buggy. With the second I just did whatever worked at the moment (dummies, feeding to sleep etc) - because life revolved around the toddler not the baby.

Ignore all the c*ap about 'giving them bad habits' or baby 'should do this that or the other'. Little babies don't have habits and schedules - they get used to one thing, then in a day or two they get used to something else.

You are a good mum because you are reaching out to others. We were never meant to do this on our own!

[Goblin74]

Op, I had a colicky / would never go off to sleep easily / cmpa baby. It was hell on earth. I used to get so frustrated and angry too. You did the right thing leaving him in a room safely and then going back in once you had let off some steam. That never worked for me sadly as id always just be going back to an hour or more of crying anyway (he would cry his entire awake period before I got the cmpa under control). There is nothing worse than a screaming baby, and I can't tell you the amount of times I got frustrated. So do not beat yourself up.

My son is now 9 months old and a very happy little boy so goes off to sleep very easily for the most part! He's sweet, sensitive and loves a cuddle so certainly shows no signs that my frustration in the first 4 months of his life has impacted him. Don't be too hard on yourself! It's hard but it'll pass, I promise!

[mam0918]

what you did is actually correct medical advice... they say to place the baby in a secure safe area like a cot and then go outside and destress away from the child, since this advice became common shaken baby syndrome has reduced.

[Fembot123]

You sound like a brilliant mum, very thoughtful and caring. I had PND and similarly to you I’d feel so frustrated when my first baby didn’t do what I thought she should, a lot of anger/frustration comes from anxiety and needing control plus exhaustion is a factor . I’d sometimes have to walk away briefly and scream into a cushion.Medication with take about 6 weeks to really bed in. My DD is a teen now and a lovely girl, so no lasting effects of feeling my stress

[Milkshake7489]

Putting him down and going to calm down is exactly the right thing to do OP and no you're not abusive .

It may be that you need your medication adjusting though. Please speak to your GP.

[MrsTumbletap]

I did this a lot when DS was little. I had to put him down and go and sit in the garden for a breather as he would cry and fuss and I couldn't understand why he wouldn't sleep.

Telling you 'not to get stressed when your baby is screaming' is like telling a depressed person to 'snap out of it'.

So keep doing what you are doing, put the baby down in their cot, and walk away for a breather. Go and make a coffee or scream into a pillow, eat some chocolate, phone a friend with children and say this is so bloody hard, or write on here.

But please remember it will get easier every month, in a year it will be soooo much easier. In two years a hundred times easier.

The baby bit is sooo hard but it doesn't last forever.

[Fluffycloudland77]

I think after a month you should ring the dr, say you don’t feel like your improving & ask what else they can do.

PND is very, very common & they need to help you.

[B1rthis]

You're emotions are most definitely picked up by your baby.
Everyone gets fed up and health visitors often advice that putting a baby in a save place (cot?) And closing the door, taking a breather and then coming back when you've composed yourself is a good thing. The alternative can cause life long injuries to your baby.
Your best bet is to lie in bed with your baby so they can feed off to sleep as they feel safest when they are close.

[GJS90]

I don't think there's a mum on this planet who hasn't felt that frustration, it's through exhaustion and helplessness, you're not a bad mum! Going into another room and venting then calming down is the only way to manage sometimes. But all mums need support because it can be a really lonely place; it's so important to let out your feelings to someone so you don't feel alone and in despair. Even if it's just talking on here as you are or calling someone!

[tolerable]

no.you are separating yourself before break point.keep going. also..i found it really heelpful..regardless of how wound up to hell or crappy i actually felt..take breath in slow blow out n keep do..sorta helps calm you-and settles baby too. being a mammy isnt always easy. xx

[RealisticSketch]

I am absolutely convinced that this is the reason lullaby's were invented! They aren't for babies they're for mum's. I was advised by an old hand in the maternity ward when my first was born that you can't get out of control angry when you're singing. That single piece of advice totally saved me. I would be rocking and cuddling my baby while he screamed with reflux and tiredness and could cope for far longer if my soft and gentle voice was singing, it just managed to keep me in the right place mentally. I could be fantasising about running for the hills, or worse fantasies that I can't even write here for shame, but all my baby or anyone looking would have seen was a calm gentle mother soothing her baby. He cried for 8 hours straight once which was a particularly low point, but though I did punch a pillow, he never received anything other than pure love. This is exactly what you are doing, taking your own bad feelings elsewhere and being with him when you can give him what he needs. That's a pragmatic solution to a problem and a good choice.
You're doing great getting through this so far, take any help you can get and forgive yourself, what you are doing is hard.

[whycantwegoonasthree]

Oh love, that's so hard… I've been where you are before Covid (PND, epic non-sleeping baby, exhaustion) and it was terrible. And I was fortunate enough to have a HV and a good group of other first time mums. It was still monumentally hard - so must be even harder for you.

First thing - give yourself a huge big-up for managing so well without support, and looking after your baby so brilliantly. (I know you don't think you are, but I see someone who is cuddling, feeding, putting her baby first… ok?) Huge credit too for recognising your PND and getting help. That's really brave. You're a fucking warrior, ok?

Second thing, recognise that this is really hard, and it's perfectly normal to reach the end of your tether from time to time. You're not weird or wrong for losing it. The important thing is what you do when you feel you're on the brink of losing it. And you 100% did the right thing. You o
put your baby somewhere safe and took yourself out of the room to let out your stress and frustration. Big tick in the good mother box, right there, ok?

(Side note - that's what it is - stress and frustration. I know it feels like anger, but anger is something we easily blame ourselves for, stress and frustration is an understandable and proportionate reaction to a stressful and frustrating situation. It night help to give yourself a break if you identify your feelings this way. You're not angry with your baby. You're frustrated and stressed out by his inability to go to sleep and the screaming that comes with it. That's a normal reaction and has less guilt attached.)

And while yes, they do pick up on stress, and it probably doesn't help him to fall asleep, I haven't seen or read anything which suggests it does them lasting harm. You've probably not helped your immediate problem, but you haven't created lasting ones for your little boy.

I got to this point several times with my first - who never fucking slept: couldn't fall asleep, couldn't stay asleep, never took a nap longer than 20 minutes. I had PND too, and blamed myself for everything, and convinced myself that I was harming her irrevocably by getting frustrated and by my inability to 'fix' her sleep - which was definitely, in my mind, caused by something I was getting wrong.

She's now 13, perfectly well adjusted, securely bonded with me and flying high.

Still not much of a sleeper though... just how she's built.

In terms of practical solutions – do you have any friends with similar aged babies that you could feasibly bubble with while you wait for Covid restrictions ease up? Or even just arrange to meet up a few times a week outdoors to vent and chat and share problems with? Because the isolation you're experiencing will be making this all much harder...

And second the posters above who suggest getting hold of your HV and pressing hard for a visit. She'll check your baby and reassure you if nothing else, and that's hugely important.

Also, please try and make sure you're eating properly, and enough... you don't need to be running on empty physically too. x

Meanwhile, have a virtual hug. xx

[ConstantlyChanging]

You did exactly the right thing. You are a good mum and you are doing a great job. Baby won’t remember any of this anyway. Look after yourself.

[CookieMonsterMunch]

I agree with other posters that talking to HV might be useful. Also Have you found any local groups for new parents? Even a playgroup or baby massage is good for just talking to other parents who will all be going through similar things.

[Nightbear]

You’re doing exactly the right thing.

If you’ve been on medication for a month and you don’t feel much improved you can talk to your GP again. You may need a higher dose or different medication.