Heartbroken- help me understand please

[tartantroosers]

I am heartbroken and it makes no sense. For background, I'm a (long) divorced single parent with a teenage son and have been pootling along quite happily, no dramas, a few nice relationships, all good. A couple of months ago a guy contacted me on OLD and we chatted. I've dated a lot, and wasn't desperate to meet anyone, but we started talking, and from that point something just clicked for both of us. We spent the whole of March chatting on FaceTime, literally hours a day- every night, early morning and always initiated by him. Probably 100 hours in total! Never happened to me before. He literally ticked every box that means anything to me, and he couldn't put me down. We met the first day it was allowed to travel to meet, and we both said how much we were looking forward to meeting. I was prepared to admit the possibility that it wouldn't be the same IRL and we might just go our separate ways but we just lay on the grass in a London park and kissed and talked for four hours. He was most definitely "interested". I should say that on meeting he said immediately that he wanted to tell me he'd had mental health issues in his twenties (he is 55, same age as me) but was ok now and on medication. I was a bit shocked but there had been no issues over a month of talking, nothing odd or 'off' about him at all. Kind, loves his mum, good strong family and close friends. Stable job, plays the organ in church, Cambridge arts grad, blah blah. He seemed visibly relieved to have got this off his chest. Chatted that night, next day, then suddenly the day after that he called me, and I thought something awful had happened, he looked so empty and sad. When I asked what had happened , he said "I just can't see it working". I was so shocked but he couldn't give me any reason at all. Then some smokescreen issues about distance (40 miles and close to London) and wanting to settle down with someone (as do I) and that was it. A few distraught calls and texts (me) but now silence. He keeps saying he's sorry but I am in bits. No proper sleep for 2 weeks and have lost a stone which I can't afford to. Can anyone stop me losing the plot? It's worse than being 14 all over again. The hardest thing is not having any answers and the pain is worse than anything I've experienced- i feel utterly 'consumed' by him and then discarded. Please help.

[randomer]

You're basically grieving

No, apparently not according to the resident psychologists here.
It was one afternoon in a park , get over it.

[KarmaNoMore]

With regards to sorrow... op it is hurting and it will hurt for some time. My advice is to accept the love feelings you have rather than trying to make them disappear (what you resist persists and all that). One day you will wake up wondering what his name was and puzzled about how you could fall for him so badly. Honest.

In the meantime, make sure you keep eating and take good care of your appearance (if you look well you will feel better and less likely to stay at home feeling sad). And do not overthink it, everytime you catch yourself thinking about him do something to distract yourself from those thoughts.

[AffableApple]

@Outbutnotoutout

He has told you he has mental health issues, so he can use them as an excuse to keep you dangling, and probably a few more ladies too.

Bin, move on

Seconded

[Bubblebu]

"(he is 55, same age as me)"

OP I say this (1) not having read the whole thread so please discount if there is something obvious I have missed and (2) from a very cynical point of view about these things, nonetheless sadly i think there is an element of truth in what I am about to say.

he was talking to other woment at the same time he was talking to you. one of the other women was much (or even much much) younger than you. He went for the much younger woman who had suddenly given him the green light. From experience there are a lot and a lot of men out there who are like this.

[CirclesWithinCircles]

I mean as dating in the more traditional way, through friends or shared hobbies or interests, you would know people who knew the other person, and you could ask or get someone to ask if X was a decent guy. And the message would come back, "Yes, X is lovely but hasn't been able to meet anyone since he split up with Y" or " No, don't get involved with X, he sleeps with multiple women and then dumps them" or "No, stay away from X, he beat up his last girlfriend" (both the latter two scenarios have actually happened to me over the years).

[CirclesWithinCircles]

The world is full of liars and users, many of whom seem to be on online dating to date women, only to pull back and suddenly cry that they aren't ready for a relationship. Despite having given completely the opposite impression until then.

I just think offering yourself up for that sort of treatment by complete strangers is becoming increasingly risky. No doubt there was a time that online dating was a decent place to go to meet your partner, but now the chances seem quite high that you will be played, at best.

This man really isn't worth bothering about, OP. At 55 and fully aware of his own NH conditions (note I use the plural), I doubt that he has only just realised that he cannot sustain a relationship. He must have wanted the closeness, the kick out of feeling that someone was attracted to him while all the time being very aware that he couldn't handle a relationship.

[Tlittle]

I was dating someone who cried when he had to go away for the week didn't wanna leave me that long would miss me etc.came back and dumped me lol.Hes done the same to everyone he's dated since love bombed then dropped apparently is bipolar can't seem to handle a relationship.i have mh issues and wouldn't treat anyone bad .it sucks but you will meet someone better xx

[Hastybird]

You'll get through this 💐

Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to grieve and let go. When the dust settles maybe some light reflection on how he came to mean so much to you so quickly? What did he represent for you?

As for his behaviour, many flags here for me, it sounds as though he sought emotional very very connection quickly. That's usually a bit of a flag, then once he'd established it - he effectively ran. That can be a sign of attachment issues with him- some people seek to attach quickly, off-load, give all, giving an impression of a 'deep' connection quickly - but they can't really attach on a fundamental level as it scares them. Once the attachment is given by the other person, they back off because they literally can't really connect. Leaving the other person bewildered and confused about what they did wrong (if you google it, it is a well known pattern). You didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing you could have done different. The sudden withdrawal after so much 'intimacy' is very painful. It's probably too soon, but if anything be grateful he backed off so fully - people get stuck in 'push me pull me' relationships like this and its not good.

[SirVixofVixHall]

• you need to think.
  Sorry, missed out the “need”

[thaimoon]

Op sorry you're struggling at the moment.
You sound like you're a strong independent woman I suspect that's the reason you're so surprised at how hard this has hit you.

My advice would be focus on you now. You're basically grieving so allow yourself to go through that process without beating yourself up for it, you don't have to understand reallly, just accept this is how you feel at the moment and take care of yourself just as you would a loved one going though heartbreak.

Eat little and often and don't obsess over what weight you've lost, it will come back when you feel a bit better, which you will in time. Lean on friends, and family, they love you and want to be there for you. Surround yourself as much as possible with the things that lift your spirits and be patient with yourself, you need to heal now.

Take care of yourself

[SirVixofVixHall]

@polkadotpixie

I actually disagree with most of the previous posters. Not everyone is a narcissist who intentionally sets out to love bomb and manipulate you...maybe he's just a man freaking out because he likes you and doesn't know how to handle it, it's hardly unheard of!

I agree with this, plus the post about fast and intense connections being more fragile, I thought that was very astute.
He may not be a terribly stable person, and he may be prone to overthinking things and panicking. Perhaps he has had a relationship end in a traumatic way and is now scared of his emotions.
The thing is, whatever the reason, cad, coward, sad or scared, you can’t resolve it. Especially at his age. My DH ended our relationship fairly early on in a panic. He is not at all manipulative, he takes time to get to know people and is not impulsive or rash, but he’d grown up with parents in a very bad marriage and was scared . He was 23 though, not 55. At 23 he was still working out who he was and what he wanted. After a two year gap and some growing up we met again, got back together and we’ve been happy for nearly 25 years. At 55 this man should have some sense of himself and what he wants. Either he doesn’t and so is emotionally stuck, or he does and has decided you are not for him.
He may come back to you after some time to cool off, but you think to think long and hard about whether you would want him still. Surely at 55 you don’t need drama ? In your place I might give someone one more chance, but only one.

[1WayOrAnother2]

Sorry for your pain OP - I hope that you feel better again very soon!

He did not treat you well.
This was a shock because the man you imagined he was (the one he presented to you) would not have behaved like this.

Whether his treatment of you was
-MH reasons
-or because this sort of thing is a hobby for him
-or because he didn't enjoy the reality of a relationship as much as the fantasy one
...you can't know. Perhaps some of the reasons might be more understandable (forgiveable) but the fact is, he was never the man he seemed to be.

None of this helps though - does it? The sorrow is real even if he isn't!

[notagainmummy]

Lesson learned I hope OP. This lovebombing thing is real and is just a reeling in tactic. Next time don't get sucked in and end up like this. Always keep reserverations alive until well down the line. Not foolproof of course, but will avoid this situation. Taking things slowly is a much better tactic and not falling head first has a lot going for it

[tartantroosers]

Yes, randomer, I did. And I'm very grateful to everyone for helping me process this.

[randomer]

Thought before I crawl back under my stone......you will be experiencing some level of shock. This will wear off. I guess you posted to get it off your chest and get some support.

[Diesse]

He’s a love-bombing headfuck. STAY AWAY FROM HIM. You’ll get over this 💚💚💚

[cupoftea2021]

This is very typical behaviour in the dating world now days
He may genuinely have issues unrelated to you or he could be playing you.
It is hurtful.
My experience is no matter what the career or income you never really know what his agenda is.
Try to meet them early so you have no false sense of who he really is except by texts.
I think a thread on dates we have experienced would make you feel better.
Bloody males!

[dottiedodah]

I am sorry you have been so let down .I think honestly although OLD may work for some people for many others it is a sort of make believe situation .He can chat for hours ,and not have to put in any real effort .Sort of be whoever he wants and reel you in .When you meet him for real it ceases to be escapism and turns into reality .Is he really who you thought? Is he a Cambridge Grad ,or maybe just a bit of a saddo who makes this sort of thing up? Could even be married ! I would just block him and forget about it.Maybe you have dodged a bullet here!

[Gigigoode]

So sorry this has happened to you I know it's horrible, and remember this is not your fault at all!
I had the same thing happen to me a few years ago, 100 to zero literally overnight and suddenly not interested anymore despite months of messages and several successful dates.
They aren't all like this luckily, you will meet somebody much better, more serious and consistent.
I know it's easy to spend time analysing it and wondering what went wrong but it was really nothing you did.

[Klarajannsson]

If coming on here is feeding on sympathy then I can't help how that looks

It isn't OP. I am glad those posts were deleted.

You are right though that your son is very important here. Mental health issues aside, the thought of introducing so flaky a new partner to my own children makes me shudder. I agree with a PP - focus on doing some nice things with your teen and forget this man. Do not break when he inevitably shows remorse and contacts you again!!!

[tartantroosers]

Thank you, vdb. I do think there is a lot underlying this, and I do feel for him so it's not a hating type of thing. Just sorrow.

[00utaSpace]

There was a news story a couple of years ago
One woman, a different date every day, for a year
The highs, the lows & the laughs
Perhaps somebody can find it ?
My point is that she wasn't over invested
May be a good read for you ?

I realise that the lockdown down has made OLD easier to connect on line

[vdbfamily]

I think the diagnosis is the key here and some of the comments are very dismissive of that. There is a current theme on EastEnders of a guy with Schizophrenia,well medicated, but he had such an emotional reaction to the ending of his last relationship that his mother is constantly trying to sabotage any attempts for him to find a girlfriend. I suspect your and his communications were very genuine but that he is finding the intensity of it all and your lovely time together too much to process and so maybe feels it is kinder for both of you to nip it in the bud. When I worked in acute psychiatry many moons ago, I remember a young man with Schizophrenia who when medicated, you would never have known. He worked in a local family business and managed to hold down his job, however, as with many people with that diagnosis, when you feel well, you start to doubt your need to be taking daily meds and can be tempted to stop them and then become unwell again if it is not quickly picked up on. No idea what to suggest as you had a genuine connection but even if you persuaded him to see you again, it would likely be a tough journey going forward. Big hugs. x

[tartantroosers]

I'm cooking Sunday lunch for us now and hope to get sonething down. Thank you.

[gamerchick]

I really really do feel for you. The hurt in your posts is almost palpable. It sucks I know. Just go eat something, even if it's some soup in a mug so you don't have to concentrate on it.