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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider cutting off my friend over this?

46 replies

marblegarble1 · 08/04/2021 14:18

Name change as this is very outing if found.

A week ago I received a letter in the post from a friend. We have been friends for 15 years but not close, I think he considers us closer than I do because he isn't really into friendships. Anyway, he confessed an affair that he started when his wife was pregnant with their son. I follow his wife on social media but I don't know her other than that and we haven't seen each other for 6 years.

This affair was 3 years long but has apparently ended recently. I don't believe it will end. The letter gives me the contact details of the OW asking me that if my friend ever dies would I inform her? I've found her on FB, she is married too. Apparently started the affair whilst she was having IVF with her husband too.

There is so much more to this but I am feeling pretty pissed off that my friend has put this on me. He told me he confided in me because he knows I don't have connections to his family and friends that someone else he could tell might. I feel like I just want to cut him off for being such a selfish pr**k. AIBU? Part of me thinks it's not any of my business and therefore it shouldn't affect our friend but he has now actually made it my business and I don't like it.

OP posts:
EdinaMonsoon · 08/04/2021 14:39

YANBU. How dare he put you in such a position. He's not a friend. Tell him to make provision in his will for the OW to be notified and then keep your distance.

FWIW, a good friend of mine once told me that she was having an affair. We spoke about it in the context of why she felt the need, was she going to leave her DH - basically being supportive but making it clear that I did not want to hear tales of her time spent with OM. I am also friends with her DH - although only by association. I thought I could handle it but I felt incredibly stressed when we went out with them as a couple & I felt sorry for him. I ended up distancing myself from her. She has no idea why.

Original poster
marblegarble1 · 08/04/2021 14:46

@EdinaMonsoon

YANBU. How dare he put you in such a position. He's not a friend. Tell him to make provision in his will for the OW to be notified and then keep your distance.

FWIW, a good friend of mine once told me that she was having an affair. We spoke about it in the context of why she felt the need, was she going to leave her DH - basically being supportive but making it clear that I did not want to hear tales of her time spent with OM. I am also friends with her DH - although only by association. I thought I could handle it but I felt incredibly stressed when we went out with them as a couple & I felt sorry for him. I ended up distancing myself from her. She has no idea why.

That must have been really hard. I am glad they live hundreds of miles away so I don't have to see either of them, I'm not sure how I would handle it if I did.

His wife is lovely and doesn't deserve any of this. He is just staying for convenience.

OP posts:
Lostinthemail · 08/04/2021 14:47

I would forward the letter to his wife and block 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
marblegarble1 · 08/04/2021 14:55

@Lostinthemail

I would forward the letter to his wife and block 🤷🏻‍♀️
I've considered this but I'm worried he would intercept it. I guess I could take photos of it and maybe use a typed label to make it look like an official letter.
OP posts:
Bettysnow · 08/04/2021 15:05

Not a good friend trying to involve you in his deceit. This guy clearly cares little about the feelings of other people and is trying to use you

Bancha · 08/04/2021 15:11

I can’t believe the audacity of this! Also it seems really unnecessary - is he likely to die any time soon?!

I would want no part in this. Can you contact her on social media if you follow her on there?

altlife · 08/04/2021 15:13

He's using you.

Send copies to his wife and cut him off

MirandaMarple · 08/04/2021 15:14

He actually said 'here's her number incase I die'? What a dick.

eatsleepread · 08/04/2021 15:15

What a couple of bastards they both are. They deserve each other. I'd just leave them to it. He can hire someone to do his dirty work, if it means that much to him.

trevthecat · 08/04/2021 15:15

Are you sure he is ok mentally? Asking you to let her know if he dies? I instantly thought he may be contemplating suicide

FOJN · 08/04/2021 15:15

He could have used a solicitor for the job. He's an idiot.

Trixie78 · 08/04/2021 15:17

I'd take a picture of it and send it to his wife on social media. She deserves to know who she's married to. I'd want to know.

GreenlandTheMovie · 08/04/2021 15:19

Oh goodness, don't get involved with this kind of person. Block, ignore, delete and give no response whatseover.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 08/04/2021 15:20

I'd also find a way to tell.his wife, if you are friends.on Facebook use messenger for example. No way would I want to keep their dirty.secret

StrapOnSallyChasedMeDownTheAli · 08/04/2021 15:21

Hmmm, I can't help feeling that he wants you to be the 'fall guy.' Perhaps OW refused to leave OH for him and now your friend has divulged this info along with contact details etc that he is in some way trying to force the situation, because he is too much of a coward to do it himself.

I do think those involved should know but I'd be wary of being the person to do it. Whatever you decide to do there I would still cut him loose. What a shit.

nitsandwormsdodger · 08/04/2021 15:21

Tell him to use a solicitor and put it in his will who he wants informed
Ivf - is he the father of OW kids?

TedTookVows · 08/04/2021 15:24

You tell the wife, obviously, instead of him leaving you with the guilt that the poor woman lives a lie.

Selfish fucking bastard.

Notaroadrunner · 08/04/2021 15:24

I'd burn it and wouldn't let him know you even received it. And I wouldn't make contact with him again. They live miles away, it's not like you see them often so I'd just ignore the whole thing and ignore him going forward. I'm sure if he dies the OW won't be too affected if their affair is over, and if it's not over then I'm sure she'll figure out something is wrong when he doesn't turn up to see her. It's not up to you to let her know and he shouldn't have put you in that position.

AgentProvocateur · 08/04/2021 15:27

My first thought was that he is terminally ill or suicidal. He’s asked you because you’re not involved with the rest of his family and you don’t know his wife. I would do what he’s asked you. As a friend (while still condemning his behaviour).

Original poster
marblegarble1 · 08/04/2021 15:27

@trevthecat

Are you sure he is ok mentally? Asking you to let her know if he dies? I instantly thought he may be contemplating suicide
I asked him. He said no and elaborated why not, but he would say no either way I guess. He's in regular therapy.
OP posts:
Original poster
marblegarble1 · 08/04/2021 15:28

@AgentProvocateur

My first thought was that he is terminally ill or suicidal. He’s asked you because you’re not involved with the rest of his family and you don’t know his wife. I would do what he’s asked you. As a friend (while still condemning his behaviour).
He says that the OW has done the same with her close friend who knows everything. Apparently.
OP posts:
Original poster
marblegarble1 · 08/04/2021 15:30

By the way, he knows I've received it. He contacted me about it. We've discussed it all at length. I've found myself getting more confused and annoyed as time passes.

OP posts:
Original poster
marblegarble1 · 08/04/2021 15:33

The only thing really keeping me from telling his wife is the current status of his mental health. This is, in my opinion, very strange behaviour and if I tell his wife I'm worried he may hurt/kill himself with the stress of it. He's never had great mental health the whole time I've known him.

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 08/04/2021 15:35

@AgentProvocateur

My first thought was that he is terminally ill or suicidal. He’s asked you because you’re not involved with the rest of his family and you don’t know his wife. I would do what he’s asked you. As a friend (while still condemning his behaviour).
He's just a narcissistic attention seeker, looking to portray himself as a victim, while having something mysterious but undefined (and therefore unprovable) wrong with him.

Recruiting other people into their mess is what these people do.

The fact that he does'nt really have friends is a sign of this too. He has people he uses, when it suits him.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 08/04/2021 15:36

He's an arsehole friend. I'd find out where she works, send the letter there and block him.

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