Divorcing my husband 6 month baby

[Tiredmum2021]

Hi there,

I moved to Kent for husband who works in London. My family live in Dorset. I had an extremely traumatic birth (MP got involved) and he got angry I only could face having one more child as opposed to the many more we originally planned. He has not been the family man he sold me, he has done the opposite of be emotionally supportive and just made me feel weak and pathetic. I have felt extremely lonely and longed to live closer to my Mum who I am very close too. He wants me to work two days a week when I got back despite there being plenty of money to not to have to do this. I will have to travel to my parents two hours away as I don’t want her to go to nursery before she is 2 (personal choice, no judgement). This would mean I was away three days a week. He keeps putting pressure to have a second one and that he might divorce me (small chance) anyway if I had just two. It has got to the point that for me to stay with him, I would want to permanently relocate to Dorset. He works in risk as an analyst. I have said he can live in Kent then at the weekends come down to a house near
Southampton until he got a job which meant he could live there during the week too. It’s the only
way I would be secure and get the support I needed. He is not compromising at al and saying
That because he bought this house nearly a year ago that he doesn’t want to leave now and that he could get a wife he comes back to every evening who would stay in Kent. I still love him and have a six month old daughter with him but if he doesn’t understand my need to move closer to my family after everything that has happened then that’s
It. Am I being unreasonable?

[HHSchultz]

How in the hell is OP unreasonable, no wonder so many men get away with being total fuckwits if that's what you think. Its unbelievable!

[Barbie222]

On the face of it he sounds very unreasonable, but this is one of those posts where, reading between the lines, so do you. It reads like you don't want to go back to work and are putting as much as you can in the way of this when the reality is that he would be justified in finding someone else who shared his view on family size and then you'd likely need full time work as a single parent anyway before very long.

My advice is to start looking for work and childcare now, this period is very short and you'll kick yourself later if you're shackled to low pay work for years on your own later on. You don't sound as if either of you have enough of a spirit of compromise and honesty to make a marriage work.

[Nowisthemonthofmaying]

All these people saying they're as bad as each other - have you read the updates? The man is emotionally abusive.

OP, I would start planning to get out of there ASAP. Go and stay with your parents for a bit and get some thinking time.

[HHSchultz]

FGS, I can't believe some of the responses. He sounds awful, and it won't get better. Get yourself and baby to your parents, get space and distance from him and then see what you think.

[howmanyhats]

*quite clearly, I mean!

Also, I meant to say, while the logistical stuff is solvable, the way he treats you isn't. You're doing the right thing to get out.

[howmanyhats]

Please, put aside all your logistical stuff about childcare and where you live. That's practical stuff that can be solved.

The issue here is how he treats you. The threats he makes, the names he calls you, the lack of emotional support, treating you as a wife who can be replaced by another wife if you don't do what he wants, being unsupportive after you went through a traumatic birth.

This is key. He's treating you badly, unforgivably so.

Have you heard the phrase, when someone shows you who they are, believe them?

He's showing you white clearly who he is, and he doesn't respect you. The sooner you leave the easier it'll be for your daughter to adjust. You deserve to be treated well, and this guy has had his chance. He's blown it.

If you were my daughter I'd want you to come home! Do your parents know how miserable you are? Do you have any real life friends you can confide in?

[BluebellsGreenbells]

Op he really is nasty.

He is using everything he can to undermine your confidence and twists things to suit his narrative so you don’t know wheather you are coming or going.

Whatever you decide won’t be right. His way or no way.

Why are you putting up with this?

Leave - don’t look back he’s a pathetic human being.

[DarkMatterA2Z]

all this wanting to live close to your parents and not wanting even a part-timd job that's a bit pathetic

Perfectly normal to feel like this with a 6 month old baby. Especially if your DH is not supporting you, practically or emotionally.

[RandomMess]

It sounds as though he is being emotionally abusive towards you:

Prevents you from spending time with your family
Name calling
Putting you down
Trying to dictate what you do
Not doing his share
Insisting you have more children
Zero emotional support, in fact the opposite


Whilst I think refusing to use a nursery/childminder is unreasonable I suspect your traumatic birth & PND are a factor.

Please consider leaving this man. Go to your parents and stay it sounds like you need space and to be honest with them about how it really is.

It sounds like you married quickly before you knew him. It all sounds like he love bombed you and now you are trapped the real him shines through - it's all about what he wants, his way or the high way.

[Viviennemary]

You want different things. Your DH doesn't sound very nice. But all this wanting to live close to your parents and not wanting even a part-timd job that's a bit pathetic. Why didn't you sort this out before having a baby.

[Sleepdeprivedmama1]

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

You sound as bad as each other. You both have weird hang ups, both want everything your way, neither willing to negotiate or think from the other's perspective. It's just a shame you brought a child into this disaster of a marriage.

As harsh as this sounds, i kind of agree with this (in a gentler form!) You agreed to move to Kent, he gave you the impression you wouldn't need to work, he would like more children and you don't. He wants a divorce based on his requirements because he feels he can go get another wife like a Thanos click of the fingers. You need to see a counsellor to work on your communication if you want your marriage to work, learn to compromise or leave and start afresh again on your own terms.

[lokijet]

Op have you considered you may be suffering post natal depression /PTSD and spoken to your GP any DH about this? This may impact how you are perceiving other discussions

As others have said 6 months pp is too soon for you to consider another child but may also be too soon to decide you don't want more or key decisions on your marriage

Perhaps discuss with DH parking the discussions about the future and just focus on the now and try to get back to the place where you are both happy in your current living arrangements.

Give that a serious chance with no extra stresses or changes for a period (6months?) before making any serious decisions

[C8H10N4O2]

You both sound as bad as each other. Why are you so reliant on help from your family?

You could read the OP.

So this prince wants an incubator and housekeeper, has dismissed your birth experience and can easily replace you? I'd be sodding off back to my family as well.
Then you are in position to rebuild your own work in an environment with some support and only one adult to feed and water and clean up after.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

You are being a bitnunreasomable by expecting to not have to work again and for not considering childcare.

But your unreasonableness is completely dwarfed by the fact that this man is a nasty piece of work.

Just move to your mums this weekend and be done with it all.

[mummabubs]

I'm sorry you're in such a stressful situation OP. It sounds to me like you both have very different ideas of what you want life to look like going forward. There are somethings that can be compromised on (eg whether to seek childcare, returning to work, how involved your husband is in parenting etc) and then the two big decisions that it's not possible to meet in the middle on- having more children and where you live. For what it's worth in the last two years of my marriage we've been through both of those big decisions with different stances and it was immensely stressful for both of us. And like you, I also originally never wanted to use a nursery for our child but in the end I did begrudgingly compromise. I work part time and was very fussy about which nurseries we viewed (which was many, DH would have happily sent him to any of them as long as they were 'cheap'). I have to say two years on it was honestly the right decision for both our son and for me career-wise, I'm pleasantly surprised to say I don't regret it at all.

It just sounds like you both want very different things and neither are willing to compromise at all, which will inevitably lead to one or both of you feeling resentful going forward with no end in sight. Would you consider joint therapy as a way to explore your positions, how you're communicating them with eachother and to think about your marriage as a whole? If not I think ending the relationship may be where you end up.

[Pinkdelight3]

saying I’m kidnapped her just for going down a few days! I have dread every time saying when I am next going.

To be fair, how different is this from your attitude to not having your DD with you or your parents? I totally get the birth trauma and how it is when DC are so little, but it's like you have the monopoly on her - you can't even contemplate using childcare yet you think it's fine for him to be counties apart for most of the week and only see her on your terms. How would you feel if he took her away from you like that? I could well imagine you feeling like he'd kidnapped her.

I doubt this marriage is going to work out on either side, but this is also a very pressured time and things do get a lot easier as DC get older. You need help for your trauma and some of that may involve doing some of the things you fear so badly and then seeing that it's actually fine. Otherwise you're giving into your fear and feeding it. If your marriage is over and you need to move back home that's one thing. But coming up with this set-up that breaks the family unit up just because in your head Dorset with your parents is the only safe place for DD is unreasonable.

[Bridget83]

What was he like before you got married? Had you been together long?

[Whatisupwithme]

Apologies for the typos. That should read if op had been through botched surgery or had another significant injury...

[RedToothBrush]

They do not 'sound as bad as each other' - They are not in an equal position of need and vulnerability.

Indeed.

Laughing at her when she cries? Come on. Thats not 'as bad as each other'.

[RedToothBrush]

He isn’t supportive at all emotionally (says horrible names in arguments like f’ing bitch etc and laughs when I cry) and withdraws help practically during an argument.

He's emotionally abusive.

Just leave.

[Whatisupwithme]

They do not 'sound as bad as each other' - They are not in an equal position of need and vulnerability.

OP has been through a traumatic birth only 6 months ago, has a baby to care for. Her DH has neither of these things (I mean we can pretend he also has a baby to care for).

On top of this, she is living with someone who is not only unsympathetic, but is insisting that she goes through the traumatic experience multiple times again.

You cannot make a comparison with a man that doesn't want anymore children. We really damage things for ourselves and other women on MN when we blindly insist that we live the equal society that we would wish for.

If OP had been through both he'd surgery or had any other kind of significant 6 months ago, I think the responses would be very different. Because it was a birth, people (Inc. OP'S DH) really feel entitled to stick the boot in.

OP should not bend over backwards to be fair to a man that does not give a shit about her. He is not bothered is he?

[Livelovebehappy]

I think you have already made up your mind you want to return to where your mum is, and you are trying to justify the reasons behind that need. Some of the reasons are relevant, others aren’t. I can understand through some of the things you’ve said that it must also be quite frustrating for your DH.

[DemobHappy]

I think some of your expectations are unreasonable. Insisting on being a SAHM, not putting your child in childcare and moving nearer to your parents isn’t realistic in any marriage. There has to be compromise, and life isn’t always perfect. If you hadn’t agreed on these things before, it’s unfair to just change the goalposts so drastically.

However, all that pales in comparison to his behaviour. The expectation that you will have as many babies as he desires and threats of divorce if you don’t are completely unacceptable. If he is so unsupportive that you actually aren’t getting anything in terms of care from him and need your family to provide what he should be providing...it probably is time to reconsider your marriage.

[RedToothBrush]

You don't sound like you want the same things in life and your relationship isn't working.

On top of that, you are not a baby making machine. If you don't think you can face giving birth again, thats the end of the conversation otherwise its emotionally abusive. The fact he is threatening divorce over it, just is the icing on the cake to demonstrate its emotional abuse.

Just cut your loses and divorce

[Strictly1]

[quote AnchorAmore]@Strictly1 yes of course the poor DH. The op should’ve just kept all her feelings and emotions about her traumatic birth and the resulting pyschological issues secret until the poor lamb felt up to discussing the OPs feelings at a time that suited him [/quote]
How my many times do we read on mn that the man doesn't want another child and he's being totally unreasonable etc. Yes, I totally understand why she doesn't want lots/any after her experience, but that does not mean he's not allowed to also have feelings of loss. Has he handled it well? No - he's been cruel. Is the OP made all the right choices and being fair - no.
Just because you give birth does not mean that you then get to make all future choices for the family without compromise or discussion ie I'll live here and you can visit.
I fully sympathise with what the OP has experienced but I would not be helping her to say all of her demands are reasonable, he's a prat, LTB etc.
They are both wrong in different ways and they need to communicate.