Divorcing my husband 6 month baby

[Tiredmum2021]

Hi there,

I moved to Kent for husband who works in London. My family live in Dorset. I had an extremely traumatic birth (MP got involved) and he got angry I only could face having one more child as opposed to the many more we originally planned. He has not been the family man he sold me, he has done the opposite of be emotionally supportive and just made me feel weak and pathetic. I have felt extremely lonely and longed to live closer to my Mum who I am very close too. He wants me to work two days a week when I got back despite there being plenty of money to not to have to do this. I will have to travel to my parents two hours away as I don’t want her to go to nursery before she is 2 (personal choice, no judgement). This would mean I was away three days a week. He keeps putting pressure to have a second one and that he might divorce me (small chance) anyway if I had just two. It has got to the point that for me to stay with him, I would want to permanently relocate to Dorset. He works in risk as an analyst. I have said he can live in Kent then at the weekends come down to a house near
Southampton until he got a job which meant he could live there during the week too. It’s the only
way I would be secure and get the support I needed. He is not compromising at al and saying
That because he bought this house nearly a year ago that he doesn’t want to leave now and that he could get a wife he comes back to every evening who would stay in Kent. I still love him and have a six month old daughter with him but if he doesn’t understand my need to move closer to my family after everything that has happened then that’s
It. Am I being unreasonable?

[ForeverAintEnough12]

Well said @Cleverpolly3

[Cleverpolly3]

@LittleBearPad

Oh whatever *@Cleverpolly3 and @ForeverAintEnough12* I didn’t say she should have another child.

I said things may change - time heals. Six months after DC1’s birth I wouldn’t have wanted another child but two years later I did. The hyperbole from you and is absurd.

You are absolutely clueless about the real issues in this persons life which is fuck all to do with childcare and all to do with the fact she is with an abusive piece of shit who six months after a traumatic birth experience for her is trying to bully her into the whole thing all over again and more

[LittleBearPad]

Oh whatever @Cleverpolly3 and @ForeverAintEnough12 I didn’t say she should have another child.

I said things may change - time heals. Six months after DC1’s birth I wouldn’t have wanted another child but two years later I did. The hyperbole from you and is absurd.

[CatsBooksAndCoffee]

@RandomMess

It sounds as though he is being emotionally abusive towards you:

Prevents you from spending time with your family
Name calling
Putting you down
Trying to dictate what you do
Not doing his share
Insisting you have more children
Zero emotional support, in fact the opposite

Whilst I think refusing to use a nursery/childminder is unreasonable I suspect your traumatic birth & PND are a factor.

Please consider leaving this man. Go to your parents and stay it sounds like you need space and to be honest with them about how it really is.

It sounds like you married quickly before you knew him. It all sounds like he love bombed you and now you are trapped the real him shines through - it's all about what he wants, his way or the high way.

This

[ForeverAintEnough12]

[quote LittleBearPad]@Cleverpolly3 No I didn’t. DC1’s birth was pretty horrible, but nevertheless DC2 is sitting next to me.

I’m not being an apologist but there are two sides to this and in the middle a small baby whose parents aren’t behaving terribly maturely.[/quote]
You are completely being an apologist. So because you had a second child after a ‘pretty terrible’ birth you think the op should after a traumatic birth where her MP had to get involved. Way to blame the woman - because you were able to do it she has to too to appease her husband regardless of her own wants?

OP: not wanting to go through the trauma of child birth again, anxiety over leaving her baby (likely directly linked) and wanting to be near her parents since her husband turns into an abusive spouse

DH: abusive, calling his wife a bitch, laughing when his traumatised wife cries, threatening to divorce and replace her if she doesn’t birth him the children he expects regardless of all she’s been through and get a new wife, providing her with no support when their baby is only 6 months old and, creating trouble when OP visits her parents for the support her DH wont give her. OP parents afraid to visit as her DH has created such an atmosphere.

Yet you say there’s two sides to it.....

[Cleverpolly3]

@LittleBearPad
Just appalling how you apply a pretty horrible birth” and your second child being there in such a flippant way in this instance

Birth trauma is devastating.

The childcare issue needs resolving but this is a red herring IMO

The real issue that needs resolving is that this man is controlling and abusive treating his wife and mother of his child as an incubator and someone he could replace if he so wished.

[RealOrFake]

It’s not really a marriage or even a relationship is it? It’s sounds more like a transaction took place. On his part he thought he was signing up to getting a wife, five children and a compliant family. On your part you thought you were getting a supportive husband and I’m not sure what else....the way you speak about him is quite strange it’s not a marriage anyway.

He’s emotionally abusive (eg saying he could find another wife wtf?!) and clearly isn’t supportive of you. You have some strange ideas as well but it’s hard to know if those are in response to his emotional abuse and your traumatic birth. Overall there appears to be absolutely no love there (despite you claiming to love him) and to be honest it doesn’t sound like you even like each other as people let alone respect and love each other.

Divorce sounds like the best option. The only issue now you need to consider is your poor 6th month old caught in the cross fire. It doesn’t sound like anything will be amicable or any compromises made for the benefit of your child.

[LordOfTheOnionRings]

This is a big yikes from me.

[nicelyneurotic]

Please please leave this abusive (abusive psychologically, verbally, coercive, gas lighting), controlling, unkind man.

Get a divorce and take the house. Then sell it and buy one near your parents.

This is not love. This is not happiness. This is not good enough for you.

[DarkMatterA2Z]

No one has to stay in an unhappy marriage, whatever the 'story' is. This one sounds like a particularly miserable one.

[LittleBearPad]

@Cleverpolly3 No I didn’t. DC1’s birth was pretty horrible, but nevertheless DC2 is sitting next to me.

I’m not being an apologist but there are two sides to this and in the middle a small baby whose parents aren’t behaving terribly maturely.

[Saz12]

Sounds like an utterly shit marriage.

You thought he was going to be a great father, hands on, involved, supportive, etc. That’s part of the reason you married him. He thought you’d want loads of kids, which is part of why he married you. Obviously you’re not “obliged” to pop out more babies for him. It all sounds like a business deal that’s gone wrong, not a marriage.

I think you’re making a very strange choice of going to your parents for 3 days when you’re at work. I doubt many new parents would be happy for their spouse to do that if it could be avoided. I also think he’s an utter bastard to laugh at you when you cry.

[pointythings]

YANBU not to want a second child, especially so soon after a traumatic birth, and on this your husband is being really awful. However, if you and he did not agree before having children that you would be a SAHM, you are being very unreasonable to expect him to be the sole working adult in the family. And your issues around childminders/nurseries are not reasonable and speak of an anxiety you should address.

[Cleverpolly3]

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

PS. traumatic labour can trigger PTSD. It might be worth having this investigated. Likewise, a pregnancy and/or first baby is a known trigger for emotional and domestic abuse. I'd recommend you do some research into this.

Unfortunately there is a brand of poster on MN who will always blame the woman, no matter how serious the abuse she may be suffering at the hands of a man. And if it's not her fault they will mitigate it somehow by asking if there's a possibility he 'might have depression', and therefore be in need of support from her (his victim).

Please, OP, don't buy it. It's patently bullshit.

I have birth trauma which caused ptsd and three years in I still have flashbacks about it so yes i agree it can be very serious indeed

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

PS. traumatic labour can trigger PTSD. It might be worth having this investigated. Likewise, a pregnancy and/or first baby is a known trigger for emotional and domestic abuse. I'd recommend you do some research into this.

Unfortunately there is a brand of poster on MN who will always blame the woman, no matter how serious the abuse she may be suffering at the hands of a man. And if it's not her fault they will mitigate it somehow by asking if there's a possibility he 'might have depression', and therefore be in need of support from her (his victim).

Please, OP, don't buy it. It's patently bullshit.

[Cleverpolly3]

@LittleBearPad

He could say that they planned to have several children, that she would work albeit part time, that she’d live at their home.

There’s usually six of one and half dozen of the other in these situations and neither appears to be behaving very reasonably.

Did you miss the part about a traumatic birth?

Not even dignifying the rest of what you wrote as it is apologist enabling claptrap and the sort of thing the hoodwinked mother of an abusive man would trot out.

[ScrumptiousBears]

I think you need to leave as it's never going to get better.

As a side issue about the working. Often taking a job even a part time one often isn't about the money. It's about getting out and having time to yourself. Making friends. Gaining confidence back. Having a work history for when you may go back full time. Paying into a pension etc. There are countless posts on here where SAHP never worked and needed to leave a relationship and feeing they were trapped as they had nothing. Working is for you as well as maybe adding some additional money to the pot.

[Cleverpolly3]

Just leave.
You only get one life and one staying with him won’t be worth living.

I think your views on childcare are something I would expect a normal couple to debate but that pales into insignificance when you add this onto the mix:

• denying you bodily autonomy and threatening to replace you if you don’t fulfil his baby quota
  
• seeking to isolate you from family and friends
  
• behaves in a manner which is utterly emotionally damaging.
  

I think a traumatic birth and this sort of behaviour would be enough for anyone to run for the hills, truthfully the one who has been sold a pup is not him but you. He is already coercively controlling and abusing you.

Also if he loved his child then he would never treat their mother this way.

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

he doesn’t want to leave now and that he could get a wife he comes back to every evening who would stay in Kent.

This is the phrase that jumped off the page at me.

So a wife is expendable, like replacing a hoover. He doesn't need a living, breathing life-partner, he needs Kryton.

[billy1966]

@BluebellsGreenbells

Op he really is nasty.

He is using everything he can to undermine your confidence and twists things to suit his narrative so you don’t know wheather you are coming or going.

Whatever you decide won’t be right. His way or no way.

Why are you putting up with this?

Leave - don’t look back he’s a pathetic human being.

This.

Get out.

He wants 5 children while barely contributing to his furst and abusing it's mother.

He is a nasty asshole and you would be a very silly woman to have anymore.

Move to your mother's and take her support.

6 months after a traumatic burth is nothing.

[LakieLady]

@SchadenfreudePersonified

if I were in his position I’d be feeling pretty rejected that my wife would rather split the family up for most of the week than even try childcare.

If I were his wife I'd be distraught the he insisted on yammering on about more children when our beautiful baby was only 6 months old, and I had had a traumatic and terrifying birth ordeal that I had barely physically and certainly not mentally, recovered from, and was threatening me with divorce if I didn't agree to a (much) larger family.

He sounds a prince.

Same here, and I'm quite surprised so many on this thread are sticking up for him.

If he's not prepared to support you practically and emotionally when you have just one baby OP, he's very unlikely to do it if you have more. If you need to be close to your family to get the support you need to recover from an awful birth, I think you should just do it.

He can find another brood mare to pop out the rest of the big family he says he wants.

Oh, and gather all the financial info you can before you leave!

[TolkiensFallow]

Have you spoken to anyone in real life OP?

Personally whilst I find a few things such as your attitude to childcare , a bit extreme, it pales in comparison to how awful life with him will be. He’s definitely abusive and it’ll be harder to leave the more children you have.

Have you spoken to your family? Or health visitor? Or friends? It really sounds like there are cultural issues surrounding your circumstances which makes it hard for strangers to really advise.

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

This all sounds like a big mess OP and there are a lot of issues going on.
Obviously the bad birth has affected you a lot.
You sound very anxious about leaving your child, it sounds like you were planning to use nursery but you are too anxious about it
Your husband is bullying you into having more children
You are considering this even though you don't want one and even though he cantbe arsed to do his fair share of looking after the one you have
You both seem to be in a marriage with little compromise where you both want different things.
You want to move hours away to get support from your family even though it would mean not seeing your husband as much.

Forget the children issue for now. You need to sort out your relationship before bringing any more children into this. Do you really think it is the best thing for your daughter to see her dad bully her mum and deliberately provide no emotional and practical support? He sounds like a shit husband and shit father and I don't know why you want to stay with him let alone make it all harder adding another child.

Have you had any counselling? I really think they could help you unpick things

[Barbie222]

As regards childcare it depends on a number of factors we haven’t been told. The OP says there is enough money but maybe the husband doesn’t think there is. Maybe he thinks in a pandemic keeping a job is safer than giving one up. Being a SAHM makes it hard to get back into work in the best of times.

I agree, with this particular OP it's hard to shake the feeling that we aren't getting the full story, and there's some immaturity in her decisions and reasoning too.

[Snowstorming]

Don’t engage with him anymore, it’s not worth it and he doesn’t love you or respect you.

Your child and you both deserve a better, happier and peaceful life.

Leave him. Focus on getting well again. He won’t change, OP, he really won’t. What sort of man threatens to divorce his wife because she won’t have more children or obey his every command? He’s ridiculous.

you deserve so much better.