To not feel mum guilt?

[Frazzled99]

I hear the term 'mum guilt' all the time and everyone I know with children seems to feel it! Being a parent is bloody hard and I do try my best. All the things I guess I should feel mum guilt about.....having DD2 when DD1 was only 16 months, breathing a sigh of relief when DD1 goes to her CM, shouting if things get too much, screen time, introducing formula as I need some bloody sleep etc etc.....I just don't have the guilt. Should I? Any other non-guilty, cold hearted mothers out there?!

[Curiosity101]

I have a bit of mom guilt from time to time. Particularly at the moment cause I'm in my first trimester with baby #2 and I hate that I can't be there for my DS like I'd like to be. I definitely don't seem to get it as much as other people I know though. I always figured it's because 99% of the time I'm confident that I'm doing my best and that my best should be good enough. I try not to overthink it though. DS seems happy, is hitting all his milestones and I love him to bits so I figure so far so good.

[Plonque]

I do and I don't.
I'm really quite laid back and I don't let small things bother me. I don't fret about much, really.

But then sometimes I'll have thoughts about wether I've done it right, if they're going to grow up to be well rounded people or not. I worry about that from time to time.
But, my kids don't do half the bad stuff that warrants threads on here, so I feel I must be doing something right.
Ditto a friend ringing me recently in full meltdown because she's let everything get on top of her. She's very highly strung and I'm very glad I'm not like her, she can't let anything go, even a teeny bit, so her life is just one big stress fit.

[Isitgiroday]

I'd love to not have it! I feel guilty about something every day to do with DD2. I'm a bit of an over thinker about most things though... I have to have a word with myself on a regular basis!

[kavalkada]

No, you're not the only one. Sometimes when I read some feelings mothers feel on mumsnet, I think I must be a man somewhere deep inside.
I tried to breastfeed, but it didn't work out and I admit I was more than happy when I switched to formula and I was finally able to sleep all night because DH was on the night duty.
I love my MIL and I loved her visits because I was able to cook lunch in peace or even go for a walk.
Right from the start I made a deal with DH that we both have the same amount of free time. I had seven hours just for me every weekend and because I was new in town and had no friends I would cycle (I must be a man) or went to a coffee place and read a book.
And my son has just turned one when I went on six day holiday without him. Can't wait the end of the pandemic so I can go again.

[PinkyPinkerton]

A wise person once said to me that we only feel Mum-guilt if we are not happy with the/a situation. If everything is working out for you, then what's there to feel guilty about!

[kavalkada]

I love my kids more than anything in the world, but I also like time just for me.

[MustardMitt]

I don’t either, and I know this will make me unpopular, but it actually really pisses me off when mums (because it’s always mums!) say they feel guilty for not spending every waking second making sure their child is having the time of their life.

I’m a human being too, having a baby doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to enjoy my own life as someone other than ‘mother’.

[Cornetttttto]

No. No. No! Motherhood is not an altar upon which we must martyr ourselves upon. You do YOU, as long as the child is safe, cared for, and you have nourished them... you shouldn't feel guilt. The only time I felt guilt was when I screamed in frustration and made him cry, but I'm human - it's gonna happen.

[hansgrueber]

I think that 'mum guilt' is a patronising invented term used to make people think that they are soooooooooooo caring! If you choose to beat yourself up over trivia, go ahead, crack on if it makes you feel better and more superior to the mere mortals who live their life as it comes.

[longestlurkerever]

I agree OP. I've had moments where I've felt a bit guilty at having handled something badly and resolved to do better but as for generic guilt about work/childcare or whatever, meh, no. My kids are well loved, well looked after and have a lot of advantages. They're fine.

[SmileyClare]

Well I agree there's no point in self flagellation for not being a perfect mother. No one is.

However, to never experience guilt seems weird to me? It's a natural human emotion. For example, you might lose your temper and shout something you regret at a toddler. Because you feel responsibility for them, you would use that guilty twinge to learn from that mistake. Perhaps you would later try to make it up to them or talk to them more calmly.

My son once got bitten on the hand by a dog in a pub garden when he was little. I did feel guilty because I was responsible in letting him pat the dog and took my eye off the ball. I was chatting to my friend.I think it would be strange not to feel something.

To me feeling guilt sometimes is normal because I'm not perfect and I make mistakes with parenting. It comes with the massive learning curve that parenting is.

[phoenixrosehere]

I love my kids more than anything in the world, but I also like time just for me.

Same here. Why would/should that change because I popped out a human? Mothers are expected to completely ignore the people they were before baby/babies and change into forever mummy mode while fathers don’t have that same expectation and unfortunately I see this attitude more from other women than men.

The only guilt I still feel at times is from the poor treatment that I received during my first pregnancy and stressful induction I didn’t even need and was coerced into being the major factor I have a special needs child who I’m hoping will one day be able to be independent. I was completely against the induction but had no one in my corner because doctors always know best and I should just do as they say.

I love my son, but seeing all his struggles and seeing his 3 yo brother being able to do things he at 6 can’t creeps up on me.

[SmileyClare]

Maybe we're talking at cross purposes. I was just talking about guilt as a normal emotion.

I've no idea what "mum guilt" is actually referring to? From these comments it seems to be defined as Feeling permanently guilty if you're not being a good mum every waking hour of your life? I.e you're not allowed to do anything not revolving around your dc? Who invents this crap.

[Frazzled99]

@SmileyClare all seems very sensible and balanced and I do get guilt about other things in my life....but just not the mum guilt! I guess if I accidentally dropped my 3 month old or left something out that hurt my toddler I would. But the things I read on mn about guilt around things I just generally have zero guilt for makes me wonder if others are the same. (I.e formula feeding, not enough attention to DCs, screen time, the odd shouting at a toddler, fish fingers far too often etc!)

@phoenixrosehere I'm so sorry that happened to you. I also had a horrible induction first time around but luckily no impact on DD.

[Frazzled99]

@SmileyClare exactly that from your second comment.

[StrictlyAFemaleFemale]

Me! Have never felt guilty for anything child related. It never occurred to me that I should.

[SmileyClare]

You sound normal to me frazzled

I'm sceptical of mumsnetters boasting on here about feeling guilty about every perceived failure; you know like allowing them a fruit shoot, letting them watch tv or not teaching them a second language.

Those mums have probably just spent an hour on mumsnet talking about their "mum guilt" while their dc are playing with matches and battery acid. In other words, it's rubbish.

[WildWaterSwimmer]

I've never suffered mum guilt. I always do my best for the children and that's all I can do.

[FieldOverFence]

I would feel very little guilt in relation to the DC ... they are loved loads, fed well, cared for, played with .... and told to scram off and occupy themselves failry regularly because mum has to work.

Sometimes I get it wrong, but I forgive myself and move on.

I'm thankful, and privelged I think, to have the type of mental health that allows me to have that attitude

[bourbonne]

I think the general idea that all normal mothers (particularly working mothers) feel "mum guilt" actually spreads it, by making people feel like they should be feeling that way! And that's actually quite a disempowering and infantilising phenomenon.

IME it's usually used with relation to working. I don't feel the slightest compunction about letting my child spend time with other caring adults while I earn a living. I don't feel that my child is best served by spending every waking minute with me, regardless of the financial aspect. So why would I feel guilty? Men don't...

[Hardbackwriter]

I think the general idea that all normal mothers (particularly working mothers) feel "mum guilt" actually spreads it, by making people feel like they should be feeling that way!

I really agree with this. I've rarely felt guilty about my work arrangements, but I have felt guilty/wondered if I'm not as maternal as other women because I don't feel guilty! Especially when I went back to work when DS was 6 months - the dramatic 'ooooh I could NEVER leave my BABY' I got made me feel awful, but mostly because I didn't feel like that? Looking back it just irritates me because they didn't actually mean they 'couldn't' they meant they didn't want to and happened not to have to and they'd chosen a particularly dramatic way of declaring that.

[KylieKangaroo]

I agree I feel the same, occasionally if I've shouted too much I might feel a bit guilty but that doesn't last too long haha!

[PrawnofthePatriarchy]

I've never suffered from mum guilt. My DC are adults now and I know I haven't screwed them up in any major way. Nor have I dropped them on their heads.

I loved my work and was very happy to go back after maternity leave. I knew my childminder was exceptionally good and had no concern about their safety and wellbeing when they were in her carer. She potty trained both of them.

I was the breadwinner and my career was very important to me. DH became a SAHP and did a great job.

I guess I always knew we were doing the best we could and I don't run myself down for minor mistakes. My boys are lovely young man and I'm sure I did well by them.

This over fretting and crying about minor imperfections always seems a bit attention seeking. "Look at me I'm so devoted to my babies that I'm crippled with guilt if I'm not a perfect mother."

[Youreatragedystartingtohappen]

@Hardbackwriter

I think the general idea that all normal mothers (particularly working mothers) feel "mum guilt" actually spreads it, by making people feel like they should be feeling that way!

I really agree with this. I've rarely felt guilty about my work arrangements, but I have felt guilty/wondered if I'm not as maternal as other women because I don't feel guilty! Especially when I went back to work when DS was 6 months - the dramatic 'ooooh I could NEVER leave my BABY' I got made me feel awful, but mostly because I didn't feel like that? Looking back it just irritates me because they didn't actually mean they 'couldn't' they meant they didn't want to and happened not to have to and they'd chosen a particularly dramatic way of declaring that.

I love this phrasing, it's exactly what I got as well as the ever hurtful comment of "I don't get why you'd spend longer growing it than looking after it" when I went back when my DS was 7 months. Shared parental seemed scandalous to others and I felt I'd broken several unspoken rules around being a mother.

My DS is full of sunshine and is hitting milestones- I'm assuming the damage I've caused him in abandoning him will take longer to reveal itself , in the meantime I'm done feeling guilty about that choice I made

[YesPleaseMary]

Nope, I don’t feel it.

Well sometimes I do when I nick their sweets. But I buy them so they’re technically mine...

Yeah yeah I’m a monster.