Am I’m failing my son? Please help me.

[cottondotty]

My son is 9 months old and he’s not a great sleeper.

Our over night stay in hospital on the day he was born, I couldn’t put him down and I held him all night. I buzzed a midwife so many times but they were too busy to help me out.

Things didn’t get better when we got home, he absolutely wouldn’t go down in his Moses basket.
I asked our midwife for advice and she said it was 4th trimester and it would improve.

It didn’t improve, not wanting our son to become upset, my husband and I began to sleep in shifts, one of us would stay up holding our son whilst the other slept and then we would swap (husband was on furlough so this worked for us)

When my son was 3 months old we were able to put him into his next to me crib.
He settled for a few weeks and then we were back to square one.

In desperation to get some sleep I started putting him in my bed with me.(after reading about the safe sleep 7)

He will sleep well and just wakes for feeds (he’s breastfed)

The problem is I’m really anxious about him being in with me and I’d like to get him into his cot but it’s just so hard without him becoming so so upset.

I go to bed every night at around 8pm and take my son with me.

This means that in 9 months my husband and I have never had an evening together and I barely get any time to myself as my son won’t settle if my husband takes him to bed so it’s always me.

I do love having cuddles with my son and we are getting sleep, but I just feel like it would be nice to have him in a proper sleep routine, in his cot.

Daytime naps he will always take on me.

We’ve tried so many times to take him up and settle him in his cot but he can be screaming for hours (we never leave him crying for hours, we will cuddle him and when he’s sleepy put him down but he then instantly wakes and we have to start again)

If I put him in with me he will go to sleep instantly.

It’s causing problems in my marriage as my husband gets frustrated with me that he can’t settle our son and that I always step in.

We really don’t want to do sleep training that involves controlled crying but we are stuck on what we need to do.
We’re always in the room with my son when we try him in the cot and if he cries we try to comfort him before picking him up, but it escalates so quickly to the point that he sobs.

Where are we going wrong? What can we change / try?

Please be kind in your replies, I already feel like I’m failing so much and I can’t bare to be told this by outer people :(

[BrummyMum1]

Please don’t let your baby cry it out. There’s really no need to put yourself and your baby through that kind of stress. I literally could have written your post myself OP, my second baby was exactly the same. It’s nothing you have or haven’t done. The thing that changed it for me was letting my baby sleep on his front (not saying that will work for you) but you will find something that gives him comfort eventually. Sarah Ockwell Smith has some great advice on very gentle sleep training and different things to try.

[Liverbird77]

A baby should be placed on their back to sleep. It is safe if they roll over by themselves, because they can also roll out of the position, but otherwise it is a SIDS risk. This is because they re-breathe their breath, leading to a build up of carbon dioxide and a lack of oxygen.

[Causewithoutarebel]

I can’t offer advice but wanted to say that my DS was exactly the same. He just ended up sleeping on me downstairs in the evening, then came up with me at my bedtime and we co slept. It was the only thing that worked for us. Just to reassure you, he’s actually my best sleeper now out of three children, it doesn’t last forever! In fact, DD was born 22 months later and he must have been sleeping pretty much through by the time she was born. Keep going, you’ll get there in the end.

[Airyfairymarybeary]

9 months is the hardest age, your baby is going through a huge growth spurt and developmental leap. Co sleep to get through this, it is short term and will help you. You are not doing anything wrong and your experience is very normal.
Don’t sleep train as others have suggested, sleep trained babies still wake a night but don’t cry because they know no one will come for them.
Look into gentle night weaning at around 1.5 years.

[Airyfairymarybeary]

@Yeahnahmum

: just let him cry it out for a bit. Increase the lenght everytime etc. And get yourself some earplugs if you struggle letting him cry for 5/10 etc minutes but right now: You are enabling his behaviour . Stop doing it as it is wrecking you, your husband, your mh, and your relationship!

Put baby in a cot next to your bed or in his own room and watch some jo frost or something in how to cope/do it.

And start sooner rather then later. Because right now youve made your bed... quite literally 😑

This is the absolute worst advice! And very damaging for a breastfed baby.
He’s a baby fgs. The only thing the can do is cry out for help.

[Sugarintheplum]

My kids could all tell when i put them in the cot. Sometimes it was because the fabric on the cot mattress was cold to touch, the way that some material is, like satin. Not that it's satin of course, just an example. So it helped it if put down a 'warm' fabric that is not chill to the touch.

I also try to approximate the bed in the cot so they could hardly tell the difference, so on the bed I would lie him on a fleecy type of material and then I would put the same fleecy comfy material in the cot. Then often they can't tell the difference and stay asleep.

Not sure whether that'll work for you?

[Sugarintheplum]

About you having 'made you bed', it's true that you have had a hand in creating this situation, but i think that is because babies naturally tend toward wanting to be around the primary caregiver. ATM I'm on baby 3 and 'made my bed' in that I have been so tired at nights I BF him while lying on our sides. So He now wants to be in the position all night, next to my breasts so he can just pucker his lips and it's there! it manes some nights I feel like I sleep very little.

Yes, I've 'made my bed' but I also know that soon enough he'll be older and not doing this. Its just his baby thing. He won't 20 years old doing it! It'll end, blah blah, I'm giving myself a break over it. You can do that too.

I've 'made my bed' every time, that's just parenthood xx

[RLGGG]

Here in solidarity :) our little boy sounds very similar to your DS... even down to the first night in the hospital and the Moses basket. I hit rock-bottom at about 2 months and our local NHS feeding team suggested bed sharing and advised us on safe sleeping. We slept again! Like you, he woke to feed and straight back off :) we've started to put him in his next to me cot this last week using the Huckleberry App after it was recommended by a few friends. Only a few days in but it seems to be working and we're much more aware of his feeding/ sleep patterns and sleep cues (where as before I was a confused reactive mess) I'm now starting to be proactive when it is time for him to nap. So sorry if someone has already suggested this, as the time marker suggests I'm currently trying to keep my eyes awake as I feed lol.

All the best OP, you will get there and are most certainly not alone :) x

[jessstan1]

Mine slept with us and we all slept well. We had 'evenings' because I let him sleep downstairs where we were and took him up when we went to bed.

[WombatStewForTea]

I'd definitely side car a cot to your bed. Then you can get him to sleep in there as you would normally with him in your bed and you roll away instead of having to move him. Then stick the baby monitor on and go downstairs until you're ready to go to bed. It's much quieter to get them back off to sleep if they wake before you go to bed too as you don't need for them to be in a deep sleep before you ninja away because you're moving not them!

[CecilyP]

^Things didn’t get better when we got home, he absolutely wouldn’t go down in his Moses basket.
I asked our midwife for advice and she said it was 4th trimester and it would improve.^

That was no advice at all and she was obviously wrong about it improving! Babies get used to what they’re used to; it’s their normal, why would they change it? Though FWIW, DS slept beautifully in his carry cot when he was tiny but was in with us at 9 months. Though night wakings did diminish after I stopped breastfeeding. He is grown now so definitely doesn’t sleep with me any more!

You’re not failing in any way but it’s perfectly understandable that you would like your evenings back and some time alone with your husband.

[Gremlinsateit]

Oh OP, this is not your fault and you’re not failing your baby! You are being the best mum you can be. The hot water bottle, the sidecar cot and the no cry sleep solution are all great ideas. Ignore the cry it out mob - that is not how humanity evolved.

[LividLoves]

Same position.

Been cosleeping since 4 months because I was on 20 minutes sleep and fell asleep while standing up.

He will cosleep 13 hours happily and just root for boob every few hours. Will NOT sleep in the cot or be conned into it already asleep.

Husband on sofa as no spare room. Sidecarring big cot not an option due to construction of the cot and our bed design.

[reader12]

You’re not failing your baby! You’re just really tired. My DS was the same, we had a cot attached to the bed, he would fall asleep next to me feeding and no matter how fast asleep he was, he would wake up if I tried to move him into the cot. It felt different to him and it just wasn’t where he wanted to be. So we went with it and the cot was basically just an expensive bed guard. We then moved him into a cot bed in his own room around 6 months but we were lucky we had a double bed in his room too. Our routine was feed to sleep in a grow bag in rocking chair, transfer to cot with my hand resting on him until he relaxed in the new place, then I would go down for what was left of the evening, then he would wake any time between 10 and around 1 and I’d feed him again, for the first few night wakings I went back and forth but at some point I would usually ‘give up’ and get into bed with him in the spare room and we’d spend the rest of the night there, sleeping very well. It was a good system and my only regret is the way I went back and forth in the small hours and viewed it as a failure when I got into the spare room bed with him. Which is all to say, if he wants to co sleep and is only happy that way, try to set things up so it works for you, and don’t feel bad about it, feel happy that you figured out an arrangement that works for all of you.

I remember the No Cry Sleep Solution book too, it did work a bit for us. I more remember the bloody Baby Whisperer which all my NCT group read and passed around like a bible and which was responsible for me feeling like a failure. It was a nonsensical system and the exact opposite of what comes naturally to a baby. I wish I had read some attachment parenting books instead which would have given me confidence in how we were doing things. I did a v half assed effort at CIO at around 9 months which was horrific so we abandoned it very quickly. At around 11 months I did leave him to sort of grumble cry for 11 minutes one night when I was just too tired to move, and then he went back to sleep which felt like a miracle, and he went for longer stretches after that. But it wasn’t full screaming. A friend did full screaming CIO at 9 months after which her baby slept better, but we used to spend a lot of time together and I noticed that in the daytime his behaviour was quite different afterwards, much more clingy and anxious. I never said anything to her because it was done and would have been terribly hurtful, but I think it damaged him.

Basically, babies are all different and you aren’t failing him. Please believe me!

[Maray1967]

We used to make sure ours were not going into a cold cot. I used flannelette bottom sheets in winter especially and warmed them up as well with hot water bottle - just never forget it’s there so there’s no risk, but you can’t really miss it in a cot. I like the idea of holding him in a large Muslim and then putting him down in that and tucking it down safely, that will be warm and smell of you. Even if he wakes later I’d keep trying this as he will be getting used to the cot each time. And yes, I used to stay a little while with my hand on him, I remember propping myself up on the side of the cot sometimes... but it does get better.

[OfTheNight]

Ds is not a sleeper. He’s 7 now and we still have nights when he’s up 10-15 times,
I’ve done sleep consultants (4), GP, Paediatrician, sleep routines, etc. We use a sleep app now that works some of the time. But the biggest thing that helped was acceptance. It’s just what it is. It is shit. Some kids just don’t sleep.

[MrsXx4]

Mine was a little bit like this too. We used to put a warm, hot water bottle in his bed. Have him swaddled and put white noise on and then I used to move him as soon as he’d finished a feed on me and was all sleepy and drowsy. We’d quickly move the water bottle away and lay him in his warmed up crib then I used to leave my hand on him gently patting him so he knew I was still there. It didn’t work every time granted but sometimes we had a successful night!

Good luck. It’s really hard!

[Levatrice]

The warmed up crib really is a good idea. And you are NOT failing him! It’s hard work .You’re doing great

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Ah OP
You are not failing anyone
You just have an attached child
He just wants to be close
My second child was the same and now aged 10 he has moved back into my bed (annoying )

Stop being so hard on yourself

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

And agree ! Warm up the bed with W hot water bottle
Safely managed of
Course

[thecakebadge]

Mine was exactly the same. You’re waiting too long to move him, 2 hours is ages, he will have gone through a couple of sleep cycles by then. Let him fall asleep in your bed and then move him about 15 mins later, he should be really sound asleep and floppy by then. At least then you can go downstairs and have an evening with your husband. When he wakes up later in the night just bring him in with you, no point getting stressed with the crying etc he will grow out of it eventually. But at least you get your evening together then.
My daughter grew out of all her bad ‘sleep habits’ by 21 months, until then I had fed her to sleep, cosleep, etc and now she sleeps through in her own cot. No need to force it earlier just do slight tweaks to enable you to get some time together.

[flowerpotsandrain]

Another vote for sounds normal, you aren't failing and your DH needs to accept it. Adjusting your own expectations can make life so much easier and more enjoyable. 9-15 months can be very tricky with developmental spurts and teething. Babies this age also feed more as they come across germs and bugs whilst exploring and your bm gives protection. BF also has hormones that regulate sleep in both of you.
As your son gets older you'll get breaks between nursing and you'll get to feel when he's in a deeper stage of sleep, so you can slip out for 1-2 hours for alone/couple time in the evenings. It just takes time, it might not feel it but your baby is still very little. Trust your instincts to continue meeting his needs and not leaving him to cry when he needs you. It will change, no comforted child sleeps in with their parents forever.

[Throwntothewolves]

I know you said you don't want to do controlled crying, but it was a game changer for us. I went back to work when DS was 9 months old. He was like your little one and really fought sleep, cried a lot and needed to be close to me. He never slept through the night and would wake several times. I was exhausted to the point of it being potentially dangerous at work (safety is paramount in my job), so something had to give. DH suggested trying controlled crying. It was absolutely horrendous initially and it goes against all your instincts to leave them to cry, even for a minute or two. But within a week DS was sleeping through and has done ever since. He's 8 now.
Though it's controversial, it was literally life changing for our family, and DS was much better rested and happier as a result.

If you do it research it and do it properly. It's so easy to cave and go to them, but you'll undo any progress you've made if you do.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do

[ThornAmongstRoses]

I’m going to PM you OP.

[jgjgjgjgjg]

Have you thought about a floor bed (I e. matrress on the floor?). So you can lay down with him until he's properly asleep then easily get up and leave him until he wakes again.