Am I’m failing my son? Please help me.

[cottondotty]

My son is 9 months old and he’s not a great sleeper.

Our over night stay in hospital on the day he was born, I couldn’t put him down and I held him all night. I buzzed a midwife so many times but they were too busy to help me out.

Things didn’t get better when we got home, he absolutely wouldn’t go down in his Moses basket.
I asked our midwife for advice and she said it was 4th trimester and it would improve.

It didn’t improve, not wanting our son to become upset, my husband and I began to sleep in shifts, one of us would stay up holding our son whilst the other slept and then we would swap (husband was on furlough so this worked for us)

When my son was 3 months old we were able to put him into his next to me crib.
He settled for a few weeks and then we were back to square one.

In desperation to get some sleep I started putting him in my bed with me.(after reading about the safe sleep 7)

He will sleep well and just wakes for feeds (he’s breastfed)

The problem is I’m really anxious about him being in with me and I’d like to get him into his cot but it’s just so hard without him becoming so so upset.

I go to bed every night at around 8pm and take my son with me.

This means that in 9 months my husband and I have never had an evening together and I barely get any time to myself as my son won’t settle if my husband takes him to bed so it’s always me.

I do love having cuddles with my son and we are getting sleep, but I just feel like it would be nice to have him in a proper sleep routine, in his cot.

Daytime naps he will always take on me.

We’ve tried so many times to take him up and settle him in his cot but he can be screaming for hours (we never leave him crying for hours, we will cuddle him and when he’s sleepy put him down but he then instantly wakes and we have to start again)

If I put him in with me he will go to sleep instantly.

It’s causing problems in my marriage as my husband gets frustrated with me that he can’t settle our son and that I always step in.

We really don’t want to do sleep training that involves controlled crying but we are stuck on what we need to do.
We’re always in the room with my son when we try him in the cot and if he cries we try to comfort him before picking him up, but it escalates so quickly to the point that he sobs.

Where are we going wrong? What can we change / try?

Please be kind in your replies, I already feel like I’m failing so much and I can’t bare to be told this by outer people :(

[TableFlowerss]

@OfTheNight

Ds is not a sleeper. He’s 7 now and we still have nights when he’s up 10-15 times,
I’ve done sleep consultants (4), GP, Paediatrician, sleep routines, etc. We use a sleep app now that works some of the time. But the biggest thing that helped was acceptance. It’s just what it is. It is shit. Some kids just don’t sleep.

God almighty that must be horrific for you and him.

I must say though, everyone needs sleep. At 7, I hope he doesn’t wake you up every time he wakes up!

[Hardbackwriter]

A health visitor told me once through don't learn to self soothe, they learn no one is coming to them despite them crying 😭😭 it broke my heart and reinforced my views on leaving them crying 'it out"

This is guilt-tripping bullshit, as anyone who has ever actually done any form of sleep training knows - DS continued to cry or (later) shout for us if he was ill, if his nappy leaked, if his sock came off so he absolutely did not think no one would come, he just could go back to sleep without us if he didn't need us. Opponents of sleep training always lump it all into 'cry it out' where you shut the door and don't go back, which isn't how anyone I know did it, or what I've ever seen recommended.

If what you're doing currently feels like it's, on balance, the best thing for your family then crack on - there's absolutely nothing wrong with it, and it won't last forever. But if you need things to change, that's ok too. We did gradual retreat at nine months and it did involve crying but the absolute transformation it made in all our lives was astounding - we went from shells of people to happy, engaged parents and I am absolutely certain that was of more benefit than the couple of nights of crying were a detriment. But DS himself wasn't happy with the situation pre-sleep training - the reason we did it was because he was awake for hours at a time in the night, crying but not sleeping no matter what we did, so it really was working for no one. I can see that it's trickier if it's working for your child but not you, but ultimately I do think that you have to choose what, from your best judgement, is best for you as a whole family. I look back and shudder both at how disengaged I was becoming and also how dangerous it was that I was doing things like driving and I'm so glad we made a change when we did.

[EmilyDoesntKnowHerStuff]

*I meant to say no one know how’s incredibly hard it is until you’re going through it!

[EmilyDoesntKnowHerStuff]

You’re doing everything you can be, given the difficult situation you’re in OP. I feel for you, I really do. No one knows how incredibly hard and draining it is looking after a challenging baby who will only sleep on/with you. I went through exactly the same and my god those days still haunt me now! You just have to do whatever you need to do to get some sleep, if that means co-sleeping for now, then do it. You all NEED sleep, however that is done, as long as it’s done safely. And it will get easier. Even if you wait until baby is a bit older to try sleep training methods (like we did at 18months) or even older so that you can communicate with them more easily, you just do whatever you need to do that works for your family. Try not to compare to other people who seem to have things easier, or feel like that’s what you ‘should’ be doing. And remember sleep-deprivation is used as a form of torture, so don’t be so hard on yourself if you’re feeling like an emotional wreck or a failure. You’re definitely not! You’re an amazing mum. Sending you a big hug OP xx

[MUM2019MARVEL]

I had this same problem, I was asking anyone who I thought could help. In the end (after a lot of badgering) the heath visitor told me to express some breast milk on his bed sheet so it smells like me and also to wear a loose fitted T-Shirt all day then wrap it very tightly over the mattress then put the breast milk sheet over it.. it actually worked! He still woke at his regular nursing times but this was so much better than loosing my sanity trying to get him to sleep then transfering him to cot and waking immediately. It may not work for everyone but if it works for you and your baby you'll both get a good night's sleep. Good luck and congratulations on your baby! X

[ThornAmongstRoses]

And yet in plenty of other cultures where they have work, relationships, housework etc they manage without abandoning babies to cry and indeed plenty of us in this country manage it too

I was only answering in reference to you not understanding why humans may resort to sleep training when other mammals don’t.

In response to the above:

All babies are different, all parents are different, all families are different, all experiences are different and therefore everyone will respond differently to sleep deprivation.

I am a nurse, a job, that requires I drive up and down motorways, and I have a serious health condition that is triggered by lack of sleep, and one that would have changed mine, my husband’s and my child’s life for the worse should an exacerbation have occurred.

Was having 4 hours of broken sleep every night safe for me? Was it a realistic way of life? Should I have just sucked it up and put my patient’s and my own heath at serious risk?

As I said, everyone’s life is different and every has different reasons for choosing to sleep train or not.

I doubt anyone considers controlled crying without really think it through without weighing up the necessity of it.

Uninformed judgement from outsiders doesn’t help anything.

[Whyistheteacold]

I don't have any helpful advice for you but I wanted to say that you are not failing as a parent at all. The fact that your DC is comforted by you and wants to be with you proves that 🌼

[MissBaskinIfYoureNasty]

And yet in plenty of other cultures where they have work, relationships, housework etc they manage without abandoning babies to cry and indeed plenty of us in this country manage it too 🤷‍♀️ I'll never agree that its an acceptable way to treat infants so I'll agree to disagree with you and finish there.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

No other mammal would do it, I don't know why humans have become like this.

Maybe they don’t have jobs to go to?

Or marital relationships to worry about if things are falling apart because of how sleep deprived they are?

Or maybe because they haven’t got to worry about housework, school runs, washing, homework, caring for other children, shopping to do, errands to run, cooking and cleaning etc, all whilst existing on night after night after night of broken sleep.

I’m not sure other mammals have the same kind of life as humans so I’m not really sure how they cope with sleep problems can one compared to how we do.

[ladycarlotta]

My daughter loathed the cot. Loathed it. She was like yours, absolutely never settled in it, would never have just 'cried it out' but spiralled into increasing distress and hysteria. But she slept well on the bed with or without me there. We actually ended up cutting the legs off the double bed*, so I could feed her to sleep then leave her where she lay without worrying she might hurt herself falling out of bed. Obviously she'd just be in a sleeping bag, there was no other bedding.

Cutting out that transfer from bed to cot worked for us and gave us back our evenings. We are still doing this at 21 months: she drops off by herself, sleeps really well, and if she does need us in the night we don't have to bring her in with us or crush ourselves into a toddler bed. Floor beds are quite trendy now anyway, I know a few people who use them, and they are encouraged within Montessori which I don't follow that religiously but does have a lot of good ideas.

Co-sleeping is great if it works for you, but that doesn't mean you aren't entitled to a bit of an evening now your little one is out of the newborn stage. Do bear in mind, as others have pointed out, that 9 months is a really fraught age full of separation anxiety and sleep regression. You may find she turns a corner by herself as she leaves this phase. My instinct was to proceed very gently - this isn't a great age to force her into something new when her distress and need is very, very real. There are times they will pick up self-soothing and independence quite easily, and there are times when developmentally they are having a phase of clinging desperately to you. So, choose your moment I guess.



*it was a really crappy Wayfair one that we panic-bought as our regular one was too high to use with the side sleeper. I get that this might not be an option for everyone.

[Tigger001]

A health visitor told me once through don't learn to self soothe, they learn no one is coming to them despite them crying 😭😭 it broke my heart and reinforced my views on leaving them crying 'it out"

You are not failing your child, yes it may effect your time a bit but it does get better, if that's the choice you want to make, get a side down cot to the bed and do the best you can.

[MissBaskinIfYoureNasty]

You have a perfectly normal baby human, I'm afraid OP my first baby was one of those bath, milk, bed and sleep for 12 hours babies and I thought they were all like that. Then his sister turned up and hooooly shit. In the end I just went with it. Cosleeping with breast available to her pretty much all night. Yes, time with my husband did suffer at points but we had baby 4 this April so its safe to say we recovered
You're doing all the right things. Not failing your child in any way. Failing would leaving a helpless baby to scream themselves to sleep because you don't want to put that time in. No other mammal would do it, I don't know why humans have become like this.

[GracieLouFreebushh]

Hi I don't have too much helpful advice, my son was quite similar then started sleeping through in his own bed at about 11/12 months when I stopped breast feeding. I never let him cry it out and did the gradual retreat, it took a few weeks. We always had the same routine around bath, story, cuddle bed.

I started putting him in his cot in his own room and putting my hand on his chest for reassurance, then moved to having hand on the cot, then sitting a few inches away from cot, a couple of feet away, then at door and out of door. Then saying I was nipping to get something from the room next door always going back, then I was going in the shower and would be back. Once it got to going in the shower he would be asleep by the time I got out. Never eye contact once he was put to bed, shushed him but no talking. He had Ewan the sheep and played the music from tiny so continued that.

Also please don't blame yourself, some babies and kids just aren't great sleepers, some are, it's luck of the draw in many respects. I know loads of people that have one great sleeper one terrible - in either order. Just try to enjoy them being little, it passes so quick and you'll miss it when it's gone!! Don't feel guilty and good luck xxx

[DowagerDuchess]

Lots of love to you OP. You have a choice here - accept that your familly co sleep, and go about it happily and safely as many of the previous posters suggested. This is a perfectly normal state of affairs. If you think this doesn't work for your family overall (and eventually it didn't for mine) and you would like to increase your son's independence, then get some outside help. I read the no cry sleep solution, tried gradual retreat and watched the youtube videos, and probably because I was completely exhausted and lost perspective, just couldn't make them work. The game changer for us was a sleep coach/nanny. My son slept in his cot within a week, and there was no controlled crying to get there - a good sleep coach will listen to the approach you feel comfortable with as a parent and work within it. In the end, we called her The Sleep Witch because it worked so quickly and easily. It was one 90 min session to come up with a plan with remote telephone support if we had questions. Good luck!

[JillofTrades]

I went through the exact same op . Imo you need to sort this asap. The biggest mistake i made was rocking and constantly holding ds to sleep. And I wish I put him in his own room much sooner. I battled through this hell till about 16 months until we did sleep training. It was a tough few days and it was heartbreaking for ds to cry but we got to the point that we would rather have that than living the sleep deprivation hell.
Your ds is getting bigger too so the longer you continue doing this, its going to get much harder.
I know a few friends whose babies slept in their own room from day 1 and I was horrified, but those are the ones that are sleeping through and so so good during the night.

[cottondotty]

@Yeahnahmum

: just let him cry it out for a bit. Increase the lenght everytime etc. And get yourself some earplugs if you struggle letting him cry for 5/10 etc minutes but right now: You are enabling his behaviour . Stop doing it as it is wrecking you, your husband, your mh, and your relationship!

Put baby in a cot next to your bed or in his own room and watch some jo frost or something in how to cope/do it.

And start sooner rather then later. Because right now youve made your bed... quite literally 😑

Never! This isn’t even an option for me!
Awful way of doing things, in my opinion.

[LolaSmiles]

Sorry you're feeling down about it. Lack of sleep is awful, but sadly normal.

The Lullaby Trust has advice on safe sleep if you choose to to cosleep. It's not for everyone, but we did because it was the only way we got sleep. There's quite a lot of judgement towards it because it isn't the norm in this country but it's easy to ignore that. Some people love to think their way of parenting is the best.

The Gentle Sleep Book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith is really good. I found it really reassuring when sleep was difficult.

[cottondotty]

@RLGGG

Here in solidarity :) our little boy sounds very similar to your DS... even down to the first night in the hospital and the Moses basket. I hit rock-bottom at about 2 months and our local NHS feeding team suggested bed sharing and advised us on safe sleeping. We slept again! Like you, he woke to feed and straight back off :) we've started to put him in his next to me cot this last week using the Huckleberry App after it was recommended by a few friends. Only a few days in but it seems to be working and we're much more aware of his feeding/ sleep patterns and sleep cues (where as before I was a confused reactive mess) I'm now starting to be proactive when it is time for him to nap. So sorry if someone has already suggested this, as the time marker suggests I'm currently trying to keep my eyes awake as I feed lol.

All the best OP, you will get there and are most certainly not alone :) x

@RLGGG

We really are similar. I started using the Huckleberry app too.

I was also a bit of a mess when it came to sleep, I wasn’t great with the sleep / feeding cues.

[jgjgjgjgjg]

Have you thought about a floor bed (I e. matrress on the floor?). So you can lay down with him until he's properly asleep then easily get up and leave him until he wakes again.

[ThornAmongstRoses]

I’m going to PM you OP.

[Throwntothewolves]

I know you said you don't want to do controlled crying, but it was a game changer for us. I went back to work when DS was 9 months old. He was like your little one and really fought sleep, cried a lot and needed to be close to me. He never slept through the night and would wake several times. I was exhausted to the point of it being potentially dangerous at work (safety is paramount in my job), so something had to give. DH suggested trying controlled crying. It was absolutely horrendous initially and it goes against all your instincts to leave them to cry, even for a minute or two. But within a week DS was sleeping through and has done ever since. He's 8 now.
Though it's controversial, it was literally life changing for our family, and DS was much better rested and happier as a result.

If you do it research it and do it properly. It's so easy to cave and go to them, but you'll undo any progress you've made if you do.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do

[flowerpotsandrain]

Another vote for sounds normal, you aren't failing and your DH needs to accept it. Adjusting your own expectations can make life so much easier and more enjoyable. 9-15 months can be very tricky with developmental spurts and teething. Babies this age also feed more as they come across germs and bugs whilst exploring and your bm gives protection. BF also has hormones that regulate sleep in both of you.
As your son gets older you'll get breaks between nursing and you'll get to feel when he's in a deeper stage of sleep, so you can slip out for 1-2 hours for alone/couple time in the evenings. It just takes time, it might not feel it but your baby is still very little. Trust your instincts to continue meeting his needs and not leaving him to cry when he needs you. It will change, no comforted child sleeps in with their parents forever.

[thecakebadge]

Mine was exactly the same. You’re waiting too long to move him, 2 hours is ages, he will have gone through a couple of sleep cycles by then. Let him fall asleep in your bed and then move him about 15 mins later, he should be really sound asleep and floppy by then. At least then you can go downstairs and have an evening with your husband. When he wakes up later in the night just bring him in with you, no point getting stressed with the crying etc he will grow out of it eventually. But at least you get your evening together then.
My daughter grew out of all her bad ‘sleep habits’ by 21 months, until then I had fed her to sleep, cosleep, etc and now she sleeps through in her own cot. No need to force it earlier just do slight tweaks to enable you to get some time together.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

And agree ! Warm up the bed with W hot water bottle
Safely managed of
Course

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Ah OP
You are not failing anyone
You just have an attached child
He just wants to be close
My second child was the same and now aged 10 he has moved back into my bed (annoying )

Stop being so hard on yourself