Moving from the UK to Australia with your kids and taking them away from their dad? (BBC Wanted Down Under)

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

We were watching 'Wanted Down Under' this morning and the family looking to move was a woman and her female partner and their four children (each woman had two).

The woman who was the central focus (I presume she originally contacted the BBC) was desperate to move to Australia and was convinced that it would be better for her whole family, however, she had (obviously) since split from her kids' dad, who was, of course, not part of the package in the considered move.

It was a bit confusing as the presenter seemed to be maybe suggesting that he was the dad of all four kids. I don't know whether he had previously also been the partner of the other women or had maybe donated sperm, or if her kids' dad had since died or was a disappeared deadbeat - but the aforementioned man they featured is the dad of at least two of the kids.

Of course, appearances can be deceptive, but he genuinely seemed like a really devoted, involved dad - he was described as 'very hands-on'. He said that he wanted the best for the kids, but I (rightly or wrongly) perceived some sadness when he said that.

The 'main' woman's mum didn't want them to go and, of course, most scenarios involving moving to the other side of the world invariably mean family members being physically divided and being able to meet maybe once every few years at best for the rest of the older generation's lives rather than potentially seeing each other week in, week out - the kids' grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins etc; but I've never seen one before where children were actually being taken away from one of their parents, who was a continued presence in their lives.

It just left me with so many questions. How can this possibly be considered? How could the mum deliberately want to take her kids so far away from their dad? Why wouldn't the dad put his foot down and point-blank refuse? Did the kids vote according to their genuine feelings (three said move to Oz and one was undecided) or how they thought they were 'supposed' to vote?

The final decision was that they would move to Australia, although they were being extremely optimistic about the financial side of it and looking at properties way out of their price range. On this show, they always seem to think that there are 'UK-type' properties and 'Australian-type' properties, as though both countries didn't have a wide range of diverse dwellings to choose from, and I always think they seem to be comparing a holiday in Oz with mundane life in the UK, so it's far from a like for like scenario to decide on. The dad said that he would probably end up moving there as well, eventually - whether he will or won't, whether he wants to anyway or whether he feels blackmailed into it if he's going to get to see his kids again; I really don't know.

What do other folk think about this?
YANBU: How could anybody consider this for a moment? She is very selfish to take his kids away from him (and vice versa);
YABU: She is just following her dream to give her family the best life and opportunities and he will just have to make plans to move as well if he wants to remain part of his kids' lives.

[SerenityNowwwww]

@Duffmcstockings

Do they have a similar program in Australia about people who want to come to the UK?

Of course it’s amusing when you do see shows like escape to the country and you actually know the place and think ... ‘oh my god, don’t do it!!!!!!’

It’s a quaint little town with transport links to the city
(It’s a dying village where everyone under the age of 60 has left. There is a bus every 3 hours that takes the long route to the nearest city 40 miles away - but not on a Sunday)
It has local amenities
(There’s a Tesco metro on the petrol station on the edge of town)
It has a nightlife
(Watching bats - but there is a local bar where the neds from the next town over congregate on the cat park to buy drugs)
There are local businesses
(Farm - muck spreading is a delight, church - bells every 15 minutes, soap factory - now closed down)
Properties are great value
(Because people inherit great granny’s house which was last updated when there was gaslight, it has damp and mice. And bats).
A library
(3 books)
A church
(Actually 2 - and the brethren of each loath each other and will fight if they meet)
A school
(See above)
Pretty
(A dump)
Has character
(A dump)
Close knit community
(Very shallow gene pool)

Yes, I think the town I was brought up in was represented there...

[lyralalala]

People are so unrealistic about the financial side.

Mary earns £40k a year, but works 40 hours a week and has to work some weekends.... She can earn £70k in Aus, but is suprised to learn that to do that she'd still have to work 40 hours a week including some weekends.

The genuine surprise when their 3 bedroom house in an average town in the UK won't bed them a 5 bedroom house, with a pool, "entertaining space" and with a sea view in a major Aus city.

[Lollipity]

@ladylimpet you don't need permission from the other parent if you have a court order. I moved my two children across to East Asia for a better job. My ex (hadn't seen them in over 2 years) did not give permission (thought by giving his address I'd be able to wrangle some maintenance from him) so I had to go to court for theirs. It cost ₤10k for 2 court hearings. Ex didn't bother to show up for the 2nd one.

[Duffmcstockings]

Do they have a similar program in Australia about people who want to come to the UK?

[Ladylimpet]

I actually don't think you're allowed to take your kids and emigrate without the consent of the other parent. So he must have agreed to it. Same if you move from Australia. You definitely need permission from the other parent.

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

the family looking to move was a woman and her female partner and their four children (each woman had two)
I thought that all four kids were the main woman's kids??

I was sure they said they had two each, but I’m starting to think I must have misheard. That would explain the other issue about which kids were also the dad’s – seemingly all of them.

I find it odd that people equate better weather with a better life. For children, being able to see both parents is more important than sunshine.

I completely agree.

But better weather does mean a better life, in my experience anyway. I'm certainly a lot happier in glorious Australian sunshine than pissing Irish rain!

It does for a lot of people, but it’s not necessarily the default for all. I’d hate the baking hot weather and, having pale skin, the heightened risk of skin cancer – not to mention the poisonous spiders –would like to see a koala, though—

Also recall that they were both (the women,) totally impressed about how much they were going to earn compared to the UK. Then weren't too impressed as to how much things cost in Australia (especially food) but then seemed to ignore this factor and convince themselves they'd been hugely better off financially in Australia.

Yes, and they completely ignore health insurance as well. Plus, didn't they reckon they currently spent £68 a week on food for six of them? That sounded suspiciously low to me.

You can’t just convert the currencies and assume everything else is the same. Fair enough: if you’re willing to move to Cambodia or Nicaragua with your current assets and proceeds from selling your house, you will be rolling in it compared to the locals; but why you’d assume that to be the case moving between two countries with similar living standards and levels of prosperity.

I also think they often seem to think that Australia are crying out for their relatively ordinary skill-level and profession – as if they’d never heard of schools in Oz and they’re going to exclaim “A what?! A teacher, you say?! You mean to educate our kids all together?! What a bonzer idea – why didn’t we ever think of that?!”

Is it these people? If so I’ve seen a wanted down under revisited and they hadn’t gone at that point. (2018 I think)

Yes, those are the people. That’s interesting to hear, as they (she) seemed so very determined to go.

So often I see “Bill - a postman - and Mary - a nurse - want.... 6 bedrooms, room for a pony, close to the beach, close to the city... and have a budget of £200k and will expect to earn £80k a year. They have 4 kids and a dog”. Bill and Mary have been watching Home and Away as research...

So true .

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

Haven’t watched this for ages, but when I used to I often used to think that there were problems in the marriage and that one partner imagined that moving to a place where it was always sunny and they could have barbies in the garden all year, would magically fix everything.

The cost of the sort of housing they’d imagined often came as a shock, esp. anywhere near a beach.

[BrazenlyDefying]

The people on this show are definitely split into two camps.

A: the professions which are in demand - an air traffic controller dad and consultant level doctor mum who are living in a shoebox in London and who really can double their salaries, transfer skills easily, get a lovely house and easily afford to fly home yearly to see the parents. They've been to Aus/NZ before and know the score. Voiceover ends with "Mark and Sue have put the house on the market and are setting up remote job interviews, with a view to move in 6 months".

B: the numpties in it for a free holiday. Kitchen fitter dad and retailer worker mum, never travelled further than the Med on their summer holiday but watch Neighbours and think it looks great. No idea whether their skills are transferrable but they have kitchens in Aus so it'll be fine. Shocked to discover that their house is worth £50k less than they thought it was, there isn't much work in their fields, and that in order to get that 5 bed detached with a pool they'd need to triple their budget. Usually the voiceover ends with "Kevin and Donna are still considering their options to move Down Under".

[Stinkyguineapig]

I saw one episode with a teenage girl who was really clearly not happy with the idea , I think she was about to start gcse year. The mum in the programme got really upset and a bit stroppy that the teenager wasnt enthusiastic about it. (She had 2 younger children who were much more up for the idea) They took the teenager to a local school and another similarly aged girl spoke with her about school life there. I felt they were really trying to minimise the wrench it would be for her to leave her friends and education setting.

[LizzieSiddal]

I’ve not seen this episode but there are some more where the mother is considering taking the children away from their father. Obviously we don’t know what’s fine in behind the scenes but you often see an older child desperately upset and confused about leaving their dad behind. I don’t agree with it at all.

[SerenityNowwwww]

Oh yes and they always seem to think that they will work shorter hours and spend all their time on the beach.

[SerenityNowwwww]

I wonder how many people who go on this Showa really successfully move?

So often I see “Bill - a postman - and Mary - a nurse - want.... 6 bedrooms, room for a pony, close to the beach, close to the city... and have a budget of £200k and will expect to earn £80k a year. They have 4 kids and a dog”. Bill and Mary have been watching Home and Away as research...

[honigbutter]

I'm always surprised at parents on that show who are willing to emigrate to Australia with their young family and leave their eldest child from a previous relationship behind. I can't imagine doing that.

I'm sure there was one family years ago who decided that the changes they needed in their lives were possible at home so they moved house locally, freed up time by working less demanding hours and made more effort to go out and be active with the children.
It seemed so sensible.

[Lovemusic33]

I hate this programme, I’m sure people just go on there to get a free holiday and have no intention of moving abroad. Can anyone remember that family that obviously didn’t have enough money to move and probably wouldn’t have been able to find work there? Strangely enough at the end of the show they decided to stay in the Uk 🤔

I agree that a parent should not take their children half way around the world to live leaving the other parent behind.

[Stinkyguineapig]

and I always think they seem to be comparing a holiday in Oz with mundane life in the UK, so it's far from a like for like scenario to decide on.

This^
I saw one episode where the mum worked really long hours running a nursery or childcare setting and was stressed that they didnt spend much time as a family. In Australia they took them on a bike ride, and kayaking and it was amazing because they had family time together.
Obviously they had much nicer weather to do those things, but potentially they could have gone for a bike ride in the uk, or spent time doing stuff as a family. I think she was basically yearning (not unreasonably) to have a lower stress job and not work so long hours, but I wasnt convinced she needed to move across the world to do that.

I know (not particularly well) someone who moved to the far east, after splitting up with his DW. He flies back for weekends to see his DS, every few months.

[Browneyesbigbum]

Callous. Selfish.

The woman made her choices but totally failed to see what was best for the children in terms of a good relationship with their 'hands on' dad. What a lovely dad. I hope they didn't go and he managed to keep the relationship close.

[Magicbabywaves]

Is it these people? If so I’ve seen a wanted down under revisited and they hadn’t gone at that point. (2018 I think)

[Still1nLove]

My mum moved us from Ireland to the U.K. in the late 80’s. We have no family here, with 3 kids under 10 and no support network. I have always felt isolated and disjointed. I have no roots here and no nothing of my native country. Have no relationships with any of my extended family. She moved back there 15 years ago and my siblings went too, I was married with a career. Now I’m here with no family, I resent my mum.

[Enoughnowstop]

I think you really never know until you’ve walked the proverbial mile in someone else’s shoes.

[Procrastination4]

That sounds like a good arrangement, Thehop, and the house exchange is a great idea.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I moved to Australia with my husband, who is father to our boys.

At times, I regret it massively because all my family and friends are in the UK - I have made friends here but not at the same level, mostly. But MIL is ok and is helpful, so that mitigates the feelings at times.

However, whenever we have bad times, and I consider splitting with DH, I know that I could not return to the UK without my boys, and I could not take them with me either because that would be hugely unfair. The only way I would take them back to the UK now is if something terminal happened to DH, and I'd really rather it didn't!

I don't understand people who would want to do that either UNLESS the other progenitor was a danger, or never saw their kids. THEN of course it's a different scenario.

[SavoyCabbage]

When I lived in Australia I used to ask my friends round for 'Wanted Down Under' parties and we laughed till we cried. It's completely unrealistic. And quite often unfair to give people such unrealistic expectations of what their lifestyle could be.


Buy this house 'only an hour' away.
In a place that was quite frankly the ghetto.
Just a year course to convert your nursing degree/electricians qualifications
Which you will be paying for as an overseas student so it will cost a fair whack. And don't forget to factor in childcare as you've left you free MIL in the UK.
Just let schools know you are available for work was my favourite.
Two years it took me to jump through the hoops to get through the eighteen page form to register to teach.

The worst one was where they had a disabled son and they dragged them round all of these amazing facilities without a mention of how much they cost. Hundreds of thousands that's how much.

[CherryValanc]

I've seen that episode - think al the children were hers.

What I recall of it was the dad wasn't happy nor were the children. It was totally her fantasy to start a new life.

Also recall that they were both (the women,) totally impressed about how much they were going to earn compared to the UK. Then weren't too impressed as to how much things cost in Australia (especially food) but then seemed to ignore this factor and convince themselves they'd been hugely better off financially in Australia.

I wonder what happened.

[Thehop]

We’d like to move to Spain, but we’ve worked out that my ex husband and his wife can afford to visit at least once a month for a long weekend and still save money because they won’t be paying maintainence.

We can also do a house exchange a few times a year so they stay with the boys in Spain for a week or 2 and we borrow their house so we can visit family and friends.

We wouldn’t do it without considering how he would keep his relationship with them or without considering them as the boys dad/stepmum.

[JacobReesMogadishu]

I know someone who after splitting with her husband and remarried in this country decided with her new dh and kids from the previous marriage to move to Australia.

Kids would have been 9yo and 11yo when they moved. They had had a good relationship with their dad and he had to give permission for the kids to go which he did. I always wondered why he did....but guess you don’t know everything which goes on.

It’s been over a decade since they moved and they can’t have seen their dad more than a handful of times. But everyone seems happy and they certainly have a fab life over there.