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To think dh should at least have 'car checking duties' as part of his responsibilities

50 replies

handlemecarefully · 09/10/2007 10:34

Dh doesn't really have any responsibilities around the house.

Tbh I am happy with that since he works long hours, and I am a SAHM with 12 hours cleaning input a week - so that's a fairly generous level of help. It's a large house with 2 smelly hairy dogs so the cleaner's hours don't actually cover all of it - hence on top of that I do an hour of cleaning / tidying every day plus all food preparation (and washing up afterwards etc) I am not totally idle ....(also have dog walks, some Pre-School chair work and PTA stuff)

Anyway to the point, one of the school gate dads noticed that two of my tyres were almost bald today. Pretty dangerous given the wet conditions.

Now I don't think tasks should have to be split on traditional gender lines, and yes I am capable of monitoring my own car...but AIBU to expect dh to take some responsibilities at home - namely a monthly check of car tyres, tyre pressure etc ?

I sort of feel resentful about having to take that on too because he is so lacksaidaiscal

Perhaps I handled it badly but I rang him at work and told him about the tyres and pointed out that perhaps he should be checking them. He hung up - clearly piqued .

So shall I just be practical and stick it on my wall calendar for me to check tyres once per month...?

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 09/10/2007 10:41

Ok it's not that dull!

OP posts:

bozza · 09/10/2007 10:41

I don't think it is too much to ask, but I don't think ringing him at work to ask is going to help.


handlemecarefully · 09/10/2007 10:42

lol, no probably not

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ssd · 09/10/2007 10:44

hmc, tbh if he works long hours and you have the car mostly you should be sorting this out


bozza · 09/10/2007 10:45

Is there something about this particular task that you don't like?


edam · 09/10/2007 10:47

Ah, it's the old unspoken expectation thing. Has he always looked after the car(s) or is it something you've just not thought about?

I don't think you are being unreasonable giving him this job but probably a bit unreasonable if he didn't realise it was his duty.

Mind you, I'd insist he does stuff around the house, personally. Don't care if you are SAHM and have a cleaner, it's his house, he makes a mess, he's a grown man, he should contribute. Otherwise he's an idle so and so who is setting a bad example to the children.


handlemecarefully · 09/10/2007 10:47

No it's not the task - I just wonder if it is reasonable that he has no domestic responsibilities at all?

(Not the housework, not external to the house i.e. the cars, the dogs, the chickens, gardening etc)

Think perhaps he should make a small contribution

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 09/10/2007 10:48

I hate to say it but actually no he shouldn't. Whoever is going to be driving the car should be responsible for checking that it's roadworthy. Regardless of gender. Sorry.

However I do sympathise as I have a DH who sounds much like yours and I'm at work. I ended up taking on everything for years until I had a meltdown one day and he bucked his ideas up. Still does bugger all in terms of housework until forced to do so but does do more with the kids and hoists a paint brush everynow and again

Could you book the car in for regular mini-services? If you don't want to do it yourself?


oliveoil · 09/10/2007 10:48

Is this about the tyres or really something else HMC?


mummydoit · 09/10/2007 10:48

Probably not the best thing to ring him at work and tell him off for not doing it if he didn't realise he was supposed to. I'd say it should be the responsibility of whoever uses the car the most. I drive our car 95% of the time so I take care of the maintenance.


handlemecarefully · 09/10/2007 10:48

lol oo!

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LadyMuck · 09/10/2007 10:49

I'm in a similar position these days (well minus the 2 dogs), and I have to say that I'm finding that it is the extra things around the house or especially outside the house that I may have ovelooked that I want to have as dh's job.

He probably could take responsibility for some things if he wanted to or had to, but is inclined to rely on you instead. I think it is best for you to decided what exactly you want him to be responsible for and somehow work that into a conversation when both of you are together (and on speaking terms!) There will probably things you both miss but I think that it is unreasonable to act on an assumption and berate someone for not doing what you "assumed" they would do. Am finding now that youngest is at school the list of assumed tasks that I will be doing is getting longer, so I find it helpful to communicate more in advance. But currently I think that the only thing that Dh knows that he always has to deal with is getting animals out of the house (especially the 8-legged variety).

Hope he has check the level of life/CI cover he has on you recently!


sarahtwobratz · 09/10/2007 10:50

I sooo think it should be his job. I am SAHM too, so my DH does nothing, 'cos he says he works hard. I think if we agree to traditional roles, they should stick to their side, emptying bins, mowing lawns, car maintainence etc. I think men do far less these days than they would have done in the fifties. It is like we have to over compensate to justify being at home. We make their lives as easy at home as possible, but who makes our life any easier?


handlemecarefully · 09/10/2007 10:51

Ok off for a shower (post run shower...have been sitting in sweaty running clothes too long - ewwww). I will return later and I will fall in line with the majority opinion on the thread

OP posts:

LadyMuck · 09/10/2007 10:52

OK let's find that "instruction for a 50s wife" and get everyone to post it, so that it becomes the majority!


foofi · 09/10/2007 10:57

I look after my own tyres, after all it's me who drives the car. DH has other things to worry about.


kslatts · 09/10/2007 11:00

We have 2 cars, DH does all the checks, etc on his and I do mine. DH knows more about cars than I do, so if I had a problem with my car dh would take a look at it before taking it to the garage, but only if I said I thought there was something wrong with it. I think the main driver of the car should be the one to make sure it's road worthy.

We both work full-time (I worked mon-fri 9-5.30pm and dh works shifts inc. weekends), if the car needed to go to a garage or for MOT dh would generally take it as he usually has a day off during the week when the children are at school. We split the household chores equally.


edam · 09/10/2007 11:01

Of course it's not reasonable that he does eff-all. He's a grown man, unless he can afford a fleet of servants (and that does not include his wife!) then he has to take responsibility for himself.

You are not his mother. Sounds as if he doesn't have to lift a finger. Which is not healthy for anyone. No incentive for him to alter current set up, though, sounds as if it is working very nicely in his interests.


handlemecarefully · 09/10/2007 11:10

Back again

Well I start thinking along those lines Edam, and then I reconsider and feel a bit guilty for harbouring those thoughts because he does work very hard and is quite stressed.

Whilst I work fairly hard in perhaps less quantifiable ways (and doing quite a bit of unpalatable drudge work), I don't have to deal with unremitting stress like he does

Hence me not knowing what is the fair and right thing to do

OP posts:

oliveoil · 09/10/2007 11:16

if you drive car, then you check it imo

(unless your dh is a car whizz like mine and you plead ignorance and flutter your eyelashes whilst he gets all manly and discusses oil and pressure and other weird things)

I think he needs to do more around the house personally, if you cook, he cleans up after etc


DaDaDa · 09/10/2007 11:23

Why is it assumed that men know all about cars. I haven't got a scooby!

Think about what time of year it is. When he leaves to go to work it will be dark, when he gets home it will likely be dark. Who is using the car during daylight hours?

YABU to expect him to automatically have done this without some discussion about it first. I check oil, tyres and pressure before long journeys but it wouldn't think to do routinely.

Now, more interestingly, has the schoolgate Dad got an ulterior motive for riding in to your rescue on his white charger?!


mumblechum · 09/10/2007 11:27

I personally wouldn't have rung him at work, I would have just taken it to the shop to get new tyres put on.

As far as him doing stuff round the house is concerned, I think a lot depends on the ages of the children, so the younger they are, the more work they are.

My dh doesn't do any house work, but he works about 60 hours a week compared to my 20 hours, so that's fine by me.


duchesse · 09/10/2007 11:40

I took the car my husband usually uses to get something the other day. Got back into the car to leave the shop and noticed the bloody rear tyre was practically flat. I had noticed there was something odd about it as I left home.

Anyway to cut a long story short, I reinflated the tyre, and teh bugger hasn't gone down again since. Bloody husband was driving around with a flat tyre for god only knows how long. Bloody never checks tyre pressure. Thinks MOT once a year is enough. Git.


UnquietDad · 09/10/2007 11:42

Whatever he does or doesn't do, please don't ring him at work about it. The last thing a man at work wants - when he is already hassled - is his wife ringing up with a moan on the domestic front. It's the kind of thing which will lead him to think you have too much time on your hands and spend all day going to the gym and having coffee.


duchesse · 09/10/2007 11:46

Ooh UQD- steady on!

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