To not want a man with kids even though I have kids?

[elancafe]

I have 3 children, separated from my husband. I’m not looking for anyone right now, but I’d like to get married again, the thing is I don’t want to date a man with kids, I know that makes me a hypocrite but still. I don’t want the drama from his ex, what if our children don’t get on? What if he treats them different etc, so many different things I don’t want to deal with. When I talk about it to my friends and family, some of them are like , others just laugh and say nobody is going to do that if they have no kids themselves. They’re like maybe if you had one child, but you have three.

I’m not looking for a father figure for my children, they have a dad who’s very involved in their lives and lives close by. I want to spend the next 2 years getting my business off the ground, get in to university and just make my own money, so he’s not going to pay for my children. I’ve seen it happen before where the woman has 2-4 kids, and the man has no kids, but I know it’s rare.

To be honest, I’d rather be alone than date/marry a man with kids. Which makes me sad as I’m only 30, it feels so wrong to say that but that’s just how I feel.

[ZoeCM]

I don't think you're a hypocrite unless you would be offended if a man didn't want to date you because of your kids. It doesn't sound like you would, from what you've posted here.

[HannaYeah]

I think you are wise and probably a terrific mother.

If you get involved in someone it’s much more difficult and disruptive for your children if the other person has kids. Even once they are adults! My friends with step-parents who have kids are forever being hurt by the way things are scheduled for holidays, the attention the other adult kids get, etc.

As children, they had to worry about
sharing time with their step-siblings, different rules applied to the others, different resources and attention between families. It just seems painful and a situation that is ripe for marital problems.

I’m a step-mom with no kids of my own. If I’d had children no way would a get involved with someone with kids.

[Paulolina]

It's not unreasonable but good look finding one...a decent one anyway

[rosiejaune]

Well YANBU, but since men do not give birth, there is always the risk that he does have children, even if he doesn't yet know about them. And you may miss out on the perfect person by making these rules, who could have fit in with your life perfectly.

But there's always the option not to look for a partner at all for now.

[chickenortheegg]

Yanbu

I'm a single mum of 3 and feel the same. It's good that you know this before dating and drift into a step parent situation.

[HarryElephante]

YABU. You must meet a guy with kids.

[Noconceptofnormal]

I'm in the same boat OP. I'm not dating yet (split very recent) but I agree, I will have the same rule.

Older teens would be OK with me (as by the time things got serious they'd be adults) but that probably would also mean they were quite a bit older than me which I'm also not interested in.

I don't care if I'm picky because I'm completely OK with being single.

Like others have said -

• I don't want to be a step mum, I have a lovely house and don't want to share with other people's kids, wouldn't want holidays with them etc

-I don't want my children to have step siblings and all the angst about whether everything is equal, whether they get on.

• I don't want to have to blend parenting styles and whether different rules align.
• I don't want the ex wife dramas

I suppose the question is whether you'd have more kids with a new partner?

I'm not sure about this yet, I wouldn't have had more if was still with ex. But life has changed.

I suppose I don't know whether to be suspicious of someone who doesn't mind my kids but doesn't want his own, what is their motivation.

I can see what an earlier poster says though that this may go out the window if I fall for someone irl. But I think you can at least avoid it on OLD, just filter out those with young kids, and I'm sure many will do that with me as well.

[tortillachipsanddips]

I think it's great that you have actually thought this through and I would personally feel the same.

[Oysterbabe]

Finding a man who doesn't want kids but is fine with being saddled with your kids is a big ask imo.

[Cocomarine]

It’s your choice.
I’d just say - stay open to it.
My XH has no drama at all with his XW 🙂
My second husband has children but they’re uni age compared to my two at primary, so there’s so stress of needing to get on.

[YellowNotRed]

@Waxonwaxoff0

A man without kids comes with its own set of problems. I wouldn't date anyone without kids because they can never understand what it's like to be a parent and always having to put someone else first before yourself.

I'm a single parent and I've decided it's best not to date at all personally!

What if they didnt have DC because of fertility issues? Your view is very judgemental.

Ridiculous to say that someone without kids can't possibly be capable of understanding or be able to put someone else before their needs.

And there are plenty of shitty selfish parents out there. Being a parent doesn't automatically make you a good or better person.

[justanotherremainer]

Another single parent here. I get it OP.

For me, I wouldn’t rule it out, but then I can’t see me living with anybody until DC ( currently 7) has left home.

Been separated 3 years now though, and am ready for and looking forward to some kind of relationship that doesn’t involve living together.

If you want to live together with a new partner who has kids, the danger is that you end up taking on a load of extra childcare, housework, general family responsibility. I also don’t fancy navigating blended family dynamics- fair play to those who do, but it’s not for me.

[KarlKennedysDurianFruit]

My friend found out when he was in his twenties he is infertile, he later married his wife who already had a child from a previous relationship and he is absolutely wonderful with him. The child's biological father is in the picture but in a very inconsistent way. He clearly loves his wife and didn't know she had a child when they met through friends, but it was definitely a plus for him and he completely dotes on the child. So not all childless men are guileless swines.

I'm not planning on separating but if I did I wouldn't want the hassle of someone who also has children; blending families, different parenting styles, different contact times for children from each side etc, having to take a bus load of children on holiday/days out etc, so I'd either be looking for a childless man or waiting until DH was an adult

[KarlKennedysDurianFruit]

DC!