To not want a man with kids even though I have kids?

[elancafe]

I have 3 children, separated from my husband. I’m not looking for anyone right now, but I’d like to get married again, the thing is I don’t want to date a man with kids, I know that makes me a hypocrite but still. I don’t want the drama from his ex, what if our children don’t get on? What if he treats them different etc, so many different things I don’t want to deal with. When I talk about it to my friends and family, some of them are like , others just laugh and say nobody is going to do that if they have no kids themselves. They’re like maybe if you had one child, but you have three.

I’m not looking for a father figure for my children, they have a dad who’s very involved in their lives and lives close by. I want to spend the next 2 years getting my business off the ground, get in to university and just make my own money, so he’s not going to pay for my children. I’ve seen it happen before where the woman has 2-4 kids, and the man has no kids, but I know it’s rare.

To be honest, I’d rather be alone than date/marry a man with kids. Which makes me sad as I’m only 30, it feels so wrong to say that but that’s just how I feel.

[KarlKennedysDurianFruit]

DC!

[KarlKennedysDurianFruit]

My friend found out when he was in his twenties he is infertile, he later married his wife who already had a child from a previous relationship and he is absolutely wonderful with him. The child's biological father is in the picture but in a very inconsistent way. He clearly loves his wife and didn't know she had a child when they met through friends, but it was definitely a plus for him and he completely dotes on the child. So not all childless men are guileless swines.

I'm not planning on separating but if I did I wouldn't want the hassle of someone who also has children; blending families, different parenting styles, different contact times for children from each side etc, having to take a bus load of children on holiday/days out etc, so I'd either be looking for a childless man or waiting until DH was an adult

[justanotherremainer]

Another single parent here. I get it OP.

For me, I wouldn’t rule it out, but then I can’t see me living with anybody until DC ( currently 7) has left home.

Been separated 3 years now though, and am ready for and looking forward to some kind of relationship that doesn’t involve living together.

If you want to live together with a new partner who has kids, the danger is that you end up taking on a load of extra childcare, housework, general family responsibility. I also don’t fancy navigating blended family dynamics- fair play to those who do, but it’s not for me.

[YellowNotRed]

@Waxonwaxoff0

A man without kids comes with its own set of problems. I wouldn't date anyone without kids because they can never understand what it's like to be a parent and always having to put someone else first before yourself.

I'm a single parent and I've decided it's best not to date at all personally!

What if they didnt have DC because of fertility issues? Your view is very judgemental.

Ridiculous to say that someone without kids can't possibly be capable of understanding or be able to put someone else before their needs.

And there are plenty of shitty selfish parents out there. Being a parent doesn't automatically make you a good or better person.

[Cocomarine]

It’s your choice.
I’d just say - stay open to it.
My XH has no drama at all with his XW 🙂
My second husband has children but they’re uni age compared to my two at primary, so there’s so stress of needing to get on.

[Oysterbabe]

Finding a man who doesn't want kids but is fine with being saddled with your kids is a big ask imo.

[tortillachipsanddips]

I think it's great that you have actually thought this through and I would personally feel the same.

[Noconceptofnormal]

I'm in the same boat OP. I'm not dating yet (split very recent) but I agree, I will have the same rule.

Older teens would be OK with me (as by the time things got serious they'd be adults) but that probably would also mean they were quite a bit older than me which I'm also not interested in.

I don't care if I'm picky because I'm completely OK with being single.

Like others have said -

• I don't want to be a step mum, I have a lovely house and don't want to share with other people's kids, wouldn't want holidays with them etc

-I don't want my children to have step siblings and all the angst about whether everything is equal, whether they get on.

• I don't want to have to blend parenting styles and whether different rules align.
• I don't want the ex wife dramas

I suppose the question is whether you'd have more kids with a new partner?

I'm not sure about this yet, I wouldn't have had more if was still with ex. But life has changed.

I suppose I don't know whether to be suspicious of someone who doesn't mind my kids but doesn't want his own, what is their motivation.

I can see what an earlier poster says though that this may go out the window if I fall for someone irl. But I think you can at least avoid it on OLD, just filter out those with young kids, and I'm sure many will do that with me as well.

[HarryElephante]

YABU. You must meet a guy with kids.

[chickenortheegg]

Yanbu

I'm a single mum of 3 and feel the same. It's good that you know this before dating and drift into a step parent situation.

[rosiejaune]

Well YANBU, but since men do not give birth, there is always the risk that he does have children, even if he doesn't yet know about them. And you may miss out on the perfect person by making these rules, who could have fit in with your life perfectly.

But there's always the option not to look for a partner at all for now.

[Paulolina]

It's not unreasonable but good look finding one...a decent one anyway

[HannaYeah]

I think you are wise and probably a terrific mother.

If you get involved in someone it’s much more difficult and disruptive for your children if the other person has kids. Even once they are adults! My friends with step-parents who have kids are forever being hurt by the way things are scheduled for holidays, the attention the other adult kids get, etc.

As children, they had to worry about
sharing time with their step-siblings, different rules applied to the others, different resources and attention between families. It just seems painful and a situation that is ripe for marital problems.

I’m a step-mom with no kids of my own. If I’d had children no way would a get involved with someone with kids.

[ZoeCM]

I don't think you're a hypocrite unless you would be offended if a man didn't want to date you because of your kids. It doesn't sound like you would, from what you've posted here.

[EL8888]

YANBU as it’s the way you feel. But you are being hypocritical that you’re “allowed” children but he wouldn’t. It’s a double standard that would annoy me

[Schoolsout2]

I don’t think you are a hypocrite but I have heard people say this many times that if you have kids you should not expect to date someone without any kids. I don’t agree everyone is entitled to their preference whatever that may be.

I agree with @KylieKoKo and also another poster mentioned a man with out kids.... their was a thread about this not too long ago.

[movingonup20]

You aren't being unreasonable but you are limiting your options. I restricted myself to over 16's, I get on fine with dp's dd but she's independent, at university, as are my DD's.

[hammeringinmyhead]

YANBU. Some men whose partners on here have children seem to think that they're getting a ready-made carer for their contact time, and their kids' laundry/school runs/meal prep will slot very nicely alongside the woman's mum duties.

[lioncitygirl]

Yanbu. But I also think a lot of it depends on the age bracket your in. If you were say 45, your not going to meet many many around the same age that wouldn’t have already been married/had kids themselves. And if you met someone a lot younger - not many would want to be with someone with kids (I suppose)? Speaking from a friends experience.

[Lockheart]

It's up to you who you date of course, however you may be limiting your options quite significantly.

As a general rule, I would say not to expect anything of a potential partner that you're not bringing to the table yourself.

[Redraptor]

Yanbu. I'm happily married but If i wasnt i wouldnt want to be with someone who had children unless they were adults.

Also, i understand my options would be very few as not many men would want to date a single mum and that would be fine with me to

[Ishihtzuknot]

I don’t blame you. I’m a single mum and if I met someone I wouldn’t let it progress if he had children. Nothing personal I just don’t want to be involved in that life and complicate things even more. Similarly I’d accept it if someone wasn’t interested in me because I have children. It’s a personal preference and no different to having a particular physical type for example, so no one can judge for it.

[2bazookas]

Your choice, so what's the problem?

[elancafe]

Just picked the kids up from school, will be back soon

[ExtremelyBoldSquirrels]

I think you are fair enough. It’s important to recognize what you don’t want, as well as what you do.

Both DH and I have children from previous relationships. Knowing what I know now, I think I’d take the stance you are. Having stepchildren is not easy (having children is not easy), but it’s dealing with fathers of stepchildren with divorced dad guilt that’s really, really tough. Vicariously experiencing the co-parenting (or parallel parenting) relationship with their ex can also be extremely hard.

I love DH a lot but his Disney dad parenting and tendency to take his frustration with his ex (and the behavioral effects of his own parenting) out at home is not easy to live with. If I’d known in advance, I think I’d have elected to stay single and not complicate my life so much. Lots of stepmothers say much the same.

If you aren’t certain that this is what you want to get into, its best to err on the side of avoiding men with children.