Urgent help please - kids on holiday with dad in another country

[FarquarKumquatsmama]

Divorced for 5 years plus. Ex-h has a history of violence towards me and the kids. No violence for a number of years. Volatile relationship with DC1.
Kids FaceTimed me with sunburn earlier. I told them to keep out of the sun. Ex-h tried to get them to go back to the beach and they said no and said I told them not to.
There has been a big argument between my kids, esp DC1 and their dad. According to my kids he tried to throw a tennis ball in the face of DC1.
Kids are very upset, ex-h sent me a very angry message about not interfering in their holiday, I called and he has got very cross with me and now banned all further contact between me and the kids while they are away with him.
Is he allowed to do this? Should I report it?
I thought of maybe giving him until the morning to calm down and be reasonable and then trying to discuss with him again and if still not success, then report.
Are there any rules about blocking contact?
My heart breaks for my kids.

[TypingoftheDead]

Good luck, OP. I’m rooting for you!

[FarquarKumquatsmama]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Even the negative ones have given me something to think about.

I hope you don’t mind if I don’t put any more details on this thread. You have helped me deal with the original problem and I will post about the other stuff under another user name in a few months as it develops.

I am sorry for those of you who are speaking from experience with the advice you have given me. I hope you are all safe and happy and your kids are fine.

I read something recently about how difficult experiences make us better and stronger. It was phrased much more beautifully but that was the crux. So if you come across a (slightly haggard) mum and two kids ever, who seem beautiful and strong, perhaps it will be us 😂
Thank you again for all the advice.

[carly2803]

OP as hard as this is (given your update), you have to unfortunately suck this one up and then once you are safely out of the country, stop contact.

[SummerCherry]

Unfortunately I think you have to play smart. Know what you can control, and what you can’t.

My Ex wouldn’t be considered abusive and is a loving Dad - however he’s done a lot of things that I have been very worried about. He took DS to a festival with a friend without even asking or telling me - and let them camp totally on their own, when they were 14. No discussion. He took them on holiday without telling me. He certainly doesn’t remember sun cream and often not brushing his teeth either when he was young. Always came back missing half of his clothes.

It’s pretty horrible really. I presume you probably take a lot more care of them by the sounds of it, and yet ‘because he’s the parent’ you probably can’t say a thing.

Get a written agreement about moving.

At least the kids have each other. They can probably be much firmer about their own needs as they grow. Now me and DS have good chats about stuff and I’ve more openly told him, now he’s an older teen, that even if his Dad’s not open or communicative, that I am the one who knows him day in, day out, and I’m careful not to put down his Dad in front of him but I do say - look he doesn’t have you all the time so he’s not so familiar or up on who you are, what your own vulnerabilities are, what dangers there etc... basically worked really hard on getting my son to trust me.

[Libbylove2015]

OP, I don't have any words of wisdom, just wanted to drop in and say that I'm sorry you are having to deal with this shit.

It's easy to say don't let them go but he is their parent too and if you have no legal power to stop him, then you had no choice, so don't ever blame yourself.

It sounds like you have a good plan, hang on in there and good luck when the time comes.

[Atadaddicted]

@Viviennemary

* but wearing a t-shirt and high factor cream should be enough.*
Well yes, but where does the OP say this is the case?

[Viviennemary]

I honestly don't think it's on for you to be putting in your two pennyworth while they are on holiday with their dad. Of course children need to be careful in the sun but wearing a t-shirt and high factor cream should be enough.

[Fanthorpe]

Be really careful OP, don’t give too much info on here. I hope you and your kids are safe really soon.

[bananamuncher]

[quote FarquarKumquatsmama]@bananamuncher
I couldn’t agree more with your comment about The Hague Convention and I am very sorry you have had experience of this. I hope you are in a safe place with your kids.

I have it in writing that I may take out the kids. I tried to go to a solicitor for a more formal agreement but was assured that, in this country at least, an agreement between 2 people will legally stand in a court of law.

Nevertheless, I will take steps as soon as we are out to try and make sure that he does not wield so much power over us in future.[/quote]
Thank you. Safe now after a hellish experience with the Hague. I had his agreement too but he still had all the power when it came down to it. I truly hope you can get wherever you need to safely and start living a better life with your kids.

[Atadaddicted]

@Heyhih3
It’s less than a 2 page thread.
RTFT

[Atadaddicted]

In the meantime
Play nicely
Play very nicely

And then.... wham

[Heyhih3]

Why did you let the kids go? I would never let my child go away for his dad and it’s not for those reasons you have stated! Your the mother he can’t force you to give the kids over.

[FarquarKumquatsmama]

@bananamuncher
I couldn’t agree more with your comment about The Hague Convention and I am very sorry you have had experience of this. I hope you are in a safe place with your kids.

I have it in writing that I may take out the kids. I tried to go to a solicitor for a more formal agreement but was assured that, in this country at least, an agreement between 2 people will legally stand in a court of law.

Nevertheless, I will take steps as soon as we are out to try and make sure that he does not wield so much power over us in future.

[IdblowJonSnow]

Sunburn is bloody horrible and greatly increases chances of getting skin cancer if severe. I would get in touch with your solicitor or even nspcc but depends if its serious or not? A tennis ball in the face is abusive.
Did you have to consent to the holiday? If so I would not be consenting again.
Not sure how youd getvthem home. Presumably if you turned up there would be an almighty show down and he may not hand them over?
Whatever steps you take I wouldn't tell him and I'd have minimal contact for now as I agree he'll just be on a control mission.
Sympathies op. Hopefully the sunburn wont be too bad and he'll calm down and be less of a nob.

[Atadaddicted]

Op if were you

That’s the time to suck about all your anger and hatred of you ex. Fake it.

Send a message apologising for butting him. Say that you are should not have got involved and appreciated it made his life difficult.

Then say that you are just concerned as both burn very easily. Say you have forgotten in the past and then really regretted seeing their red faces and arms.

Then say enjoy holiday


Yes it will turn your stomach BUT sadly sometimes that what being a parent is about

[NameChange657]

Can you say anymore on the country you are moving too, e.g European, Eastern European, Middle East, Americas? Or whether it's vastly different from where you live now? To try and advise on the culture and the potential advantages or pitfalls you may face with their legal system.

[Bahhhhhumbug]

If he's letting you take them out the country next month l would bite my lip till then and then get them out and do what you have to do then. If you antagonise him more he might put a stop to you leaving with them as he will sense you might do something. So l would sit on my hands hard as it will be.

[bananamuncher]

In terms of moving out of the country... be very very careful and make sure you've got his agreement at the very least in writing and at best a court order. The Hague convention is used erroneously by abusive men with shocking regularity and is an instrument of further abuse in many cases as the parent who leaves is always assumed guilty. I have personal experience of this and it is astonishing that legislation designed to protect children from kidnap is used to punish and further abuse.

[FarquarKumquatsmama]

Thank you. I agree, I have been repeating to myself the phrase ‘slowly slowly catchy monkey’ for years now and I can not wait to get out of here soon.
Unfortunately ex-h knows he has power over us all in this respect and my son said that he had been threatening not to let us go after all during their argument today.
This is why I need to keep him on side for a bit longer and why it’s hard to protect the kids as well as give them the opportunity to have a relationship with their dad as well as give us the chance to go somewhere we can pursue more healthy relationships, increased financial stability and better life chances for all of us.
I appreciate everyone’s views and support on this thread.

[Littlegoth]

I was a ward of court. At 10 I had to visit the family court and was asked if I wanted to return to My mother’s care Full or part time. I said no. I remained with my guardian full time. I don’t know much else but this makes me think they would take into account wishes from 10.

[sergeilavrov]

Also, make sure you get decent clarification of whether the law in your country is pro-father. Sometimes there are cultural misconceptions about that, or the favoured parent depends on child age/what is being asked of the court. That is certainly the case in the Middle East. If you are intending not to return with the children next month, I’d carefully check the extradition treaties, and get an order in place to keep him out of your country if possible.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I would as ilovemydog says keep it friendly. Think of the long game. Only a month to go and you’ll hopefully Greg something better I place. It’s awful for you to be worrying and waiting. I cannot imagine how you and your kids feel.

[MzHz]

I suppose if you look at as I did, it's our job to teach our DC to NOT make the mistakes we made by trusting those who can't be trusted, to be more self sufficient and less helpless

My ex has no contact with either of us now, I blocked him and DS doesn't want to give his dad his phone number, but he is mid teens.

[MzHz]

In actual fact, ex-h has given the kids and me permission to leave the country for a fixed period starting next month. As soon as we move (this time to a country where I speak the native language), I will contact an international family law solicitor and take steps to stop this madness.

this is your opportunity. I really hope you can get this sorted out.

I also agree to give it a few days, it may change wrt contact etc... If you don't speak to them before they are back you can talk things through with them when you have them. slowly, gently and carefully find out what happened, what was done about it and how they felt about it. remind them that they will not be in trouble with anyone for telling you. Then make sure that they are responsible for putting sun tan lotion on in future, and teach them each to help each other

no, when you have kids with an abusive man, he's in your life forever sadly.

[FarquarKumquatsmama]

I do think there is a certain element of sense in what @spottedbadger says.

I know their dad would say the older one is slightly manipulative. But it is hard for me to judge. On the one hand, I have an open home policy as I do not want my kids to be subject to his abuse. On the other hand, I can see how this does not encourage either party to sort out their arguments.

It is a hard tightrope to walk. It also goes to show that you are never really free of a controlling, abusive man, even after separation.