To be handling my teenagers badly

[Menora]

Background

Single parent work full time in NHS, stressful management job.

DD’s age 16 and almost 18
18yo was at college, doing work from home which finished early June and furloughed from part time job. DD16 never got to sit GCSE’s and has had no work to do whatsoever. We have pets as well

I am seriously struggling with keeping everything running, it was stressful trying to find food initially whilst everything imploded/exploded at work, I also was quite ill for a month I n March/April with pneumonia (managed at home by antibiotics and steroids). No family to help as they decided to shield, no partner and civil but not close RS with ex (father of DC). I do have friends and colleagues who did help with medication/food when I was desperate

DC are still treating house like a hotel and me like the hotel worker. I’ve tried rotas. I’ve tried turning off WiFi. I’ve tried reasoning. I’ve tried shouting. I am permanently now frazzled and on edge, every task I have to ask of them is met with resistance. I am sure they are bored of the house and monotony - we all are. They could go out, they don’t want to. I ask to do things with them, they can never agree and always seems to end in disagreements. I’ve bought them hobby things to do, tried to get projects going, spent time helping them with things etc. They won’t even walk the poor dog.

How do I break this cycle? I’ve taken a day off today to do something with them to try to build our RS back up. 1 DC refused the other agreed. When I got up after working late yesterday I realised how much mess there was from yesterday (dirty and clean laundry, pet bowls, blocked sink, rubbish, dishwasher) and when I asked for help before going out it descended into yelling down the entire street (embarrassing).

Now no one wants to do anything with me and gone back into their bedrooms.

I hadn’t bubbled up with anyone else although I technically can. I first asked if DC wanted to bubble up with any of their friends or families but nothing worked out. I was asked to by a single dad recently who I have been getting closer toover lockdown (socially distantly) initially the DC said they didn’t care either way, now they say me doing so is selfish, because they can’t do it. (Wouldn’t involve any kids mixing only me and him).

Feeling sorry for myself and resentful, as I am sure they are too. Even if we all make up, this will happen again in a few days time. I do not want it to be this way

How are you all managing with your teenagers?

[steppemum]

I love the learning tips given by pp about discussion!

so, as I said before there is a real split in me (and all parents of teens I think) between layinog down the law and removing wi-fi, and knowing they need love and support, but they are driving us mad.

I do think these things always work better in negotiation.

Do you meal plan? I would meal plan as a family. Days you are working, they cook. They can cook anything within budget and edible, but must not have (eg) chips more than once per week) and must have veg (or whatever your rules are)

Then they have to have food ready by 6 pm. The other one clears up.
So with that as the basis how shall we do it? Who wants to cook when? do they take turns or have one week on and one week off? Do they do mon-fri and you do weekends?

That they step up to cook is not negotiable, this is how it needs to be, they are at home, you are at work, that is how the family works together.
acknowledge the bad moods, and explain them, and ask for their input and help.

But above all, don't beat yourself up. We are all there, it has been hard especially for teens. (and parents of teens)

[Menora]

Sorry to bring this back again

I really am not coping with DD17 at all. I actually don’t feel like I want her here at all right now. She is so so angry with me all the time, there are very little times where there is any peace or harmony. I don’t know if this is lockdown frustration but she is ‘confronting’ me repeatedly with her angry issues of things I have done or things she perceives I have done, usually things she is accusing me constantly of lying about because I have left our small details of something. I feel like every way I turn, she is there snarling and menacing away at me. It is almost like every single frustration with the world she has, is entirely my fault. I am carrying the blame of the whole world. She repeatedly asks me why she can’t break lockdown rules for her boyfriend, when I explain the rules which I haven’t made, she brings up a whole load of things I have allegedly done to break the rules.

If I ask her to pass me something or do something (like watch a pan of veg boiling) I am verbally assaulted by her

I can’t seem to escape it or talk it through or get away from it, it feels like I am living with a dark menacing cloud.

I’ve tried and tried to talk, to smooth things out and try to get to the bottom of things or to just ask to put this behind us and move on. Nothing is working and wherever it is that she doesn’t like that I do, I seem to just keep making the same mistakes over and over. This week I bought her something she has been asking for for ages - I was hoping this was a peace offering but now I think this was a huge mistake.

A few months ago I had what I think was a small emotional breakdown, and I was having counselling. DD was furious with me when I wasn’t coping and her behaviour was worse than ever towards me I had no choice but to ‘get better’ quickly purely so she would stop being so unpleasant (it cost me hundreds in counselling sessions). I tried to talk to my family about this and they said that they thought she was just anxious as she doesn’t like change and it makes her controlling towards me. I tried to talk to my counsellor but i found it hard to explain it. She is my child. Is this how it is sometimes? Why am I not coping with it? How far can I be pushed before I will break? Everyone telling me to ignore it, I can’t seem to ignore it. It’s constant

I had an anxiety attack today when she cornered me in the car about one of her recent bug bears that I can’t escape from and then that made her more angry that I am not coping with the stress reaction this causes in me, hence she’s been ‘confronting’ me aggressively all evening about things. I’ve asked her to stop and leave the room. I feel so worn down by this. If I tell her how it’s making me feel she will mock me and lash out that I am selfish and always talking about me me me me me

I feel a huge weight of sadness and stress about this dynamic right now.

[GetUpAgain]

I really feel for you op and for your dds. My dc are 15 and 13 so I don't have a lot of teen parenting experience but I feel it's such a hard time for your eldest to become an adult right now. A lot of children (and adults come to that!) have regressed in lockdown. Would it help you to think of her as being a few years younger than she is and treat her accordingly? It sounds like she is scared, and pushing your relationship, punishing you for being vulnerable because she desperately wants you to be invincible and her to rely on you?

Sorry if I am barking up the wrong tree.

On practical level, when you finish work, could you phone home and say you have finished work and will be home soon but calling at shop on the way, do they need anything, oh and if you can make sure the kitchen is clear, and dog has had a quick walk, I will be able to put (thing they like) in for dinner when I get in... i.e. giving them warning to get things together before you arrive.

[JigsawPuzzle100]

I don’t have any teenagers yet and am sure someone experienced will be along soon with some good advice, but I just wanted to say I really feel for you. It sounds like your elder daughter is using you as a bit of a punchbag to take out her frustrations on which isn’t fair at all. Working full time in a stressful job, running the home and still trying to spend time as a family makes you a hero in my eyes, and the least both of the girls can do is pick up after themselves! Sorry I can’t help, but try not to beat yourself up as you are clearly going above and beyond!

[Menora]

being a few years younger than she is and treat her accordingly? It sounds like she is scared, and pushing your relationship, punishing you for being vulnerable because she desperately wants you to be invincible and her to rely on you?

I think this is yes what it boils down to
Whether this is verging on something that will develop into a life long unhealthy behaviour in relationships is a massive concern. She won’t deal with her anxiety and it is fully manifested in angry control issues and I am a sitting duck. I can’t deflect it anywhere

[Menora]

She is furious now that I have tried to start a new relationship with a man. She’s never met him and there is no expectation to. That and lockdown is her current reason for anger

[megletthesecond]

same. But mine are 13 and 11. They do not give a shit and aren't motivated by money. Removing screens doesn't make any difference. I think I'd have to starve them to get anywhere. I've been trying to rope them into team work for years.
I left DD's stuff and it had mould growing on it and she didn't care.

There's no one else who can read them the riot act either. They're bloody perfect at school too.

[giantangryrooster]

Can I recommend you read this old mn thread, sorry can't link.

'is parenting a teen adversely affecting your mh'

[pallisers]

OP, I feel for you, especially your update - how hard that must be for you - and your dd too.

I agree with GetUp Again. Your dd1 seems incredibly anxious that you be a fully functioning adult at all times. It seems like she sees you as the wall between her and scary stuff and she can't cope with thinking of you as being vulnerable in any way because then she won't be protected (if that makes sense).

You can talk to her sensibly about how even adults can find things hard at times and that is ok - you pick yourself up and carry on. But you can also express that you are in control by not putting up with any shit from her. So, when she keeps confronting you don't ask her to stop. Put on your "I am the parent/householder" voice and say "be quiet right now and don't talk to me like that. I am the parent here and I am saying RIGHT NOW to stop harranguing me. I have no intention of being talked to like this by anyone"

I might be wrong, but it strikes me that as well as talking to her carefully when things are calm, she might react better to you really being the boss when you are in confrontation - that seems to be what she wants - you to be an adult authority figure.

[Menora]

Thank you
It is calmer now, the last confrontation I just started reacting with stress again (I get all itchy, can’t breath and my stomach hurts) and asked her to leave calmly and she came back down and very passively aggressively loaded the dishwasher. DD16 tried to talk to me to tell me to ignore her

I’ve tried having adult chats with her or even talking to her like a child about adults - she hates me being ill or vulnerable and completely implodes with anxiety anger, I always give reassurance that I will get better again, that sometimes it just takes time and I can’t control if I get ill or not, some anger is about COVID and me being risky and getting ill (this is why she hates the idea of the new guy I met in April). I think she’s certainly seen me have a really tough time over the years, financially, emotionally and also some health issues but I’ve always bounced back from them because of the kids - I have to. Her DF left me in a very bad financial way and it’s taken me years to get financially stable and he’s not really all that involved with them emotionally, yet she has zero anger towards him and I take this all way too personally. Like I’m getting to be a martyr about it now