To say no to the constant family requests to visit?

[Timeouttime]

I have 2 DC's aged 8 and 11, I feel like the hardest days of looking after small kids and having to watch their every move is behind me. I enjoy a few hours now, when we've finished homeschooling, while the kids all just disappear and play while I get on with work and housework.

My problem is my in laws. They live very very close. And they expect to see us an awful lot. My FIL likes to organise family get togethers every weekend and
SIL messages on every available sunny day asking if they can 'nip round for a bit' after homeschool. They have a young toddler and I think they see us as entertainment for him. Whilst I love love love seeing them all I don't want to do it all the time, once every other week would be perfect for me! I appreciate I need to compromise at once a week probably but AIBU? My husband thinks I'm making a big deal about nothing but I get so uptight waiting for their call that I know is coming. I find it very hard to say no as often I feel saying I've just got to get on with stuff is just rubbish and antisocial, even though it's the truth!

What would you do? AIBU? It's causing me lots of stress 😔

[Timeouttime]

@JellyBabiesSaveLives that's a whole other thread / argument required 😂 I'm definitely realising I'm doing more than my fair share and words have been had!

I really need to stick to my guns and use all the great ideas mentioned on here. And just bloody hope they get the message. I've been fighting this for a good year now but lockdown has given me perspective on what's actually good for my kids and me - and it's not always doing what everyone else wants! Thank you for making me feel better I was feeling very guilty even though I knew I shouldn't.

[Appuskidu]

They don't call DP as consider his work more important than mine

That would really piss me off!

[FrancesHaHa]

I would also tell them you're working. Or if you're working consider not answering.

PIL started calling me during lockdown, something they never would have done before. They don't call DP as consider his work more important than mine. If it was a working day I just didn't answer, and DP later told them I'd been busy with work. Now they only call on non working days. It's never for anything important, just a chat, which frankly I don't have time for if I'm working.

[afromom]

I would just tell them that you are busy with work. We have the same problem with DPs sister and her family. Except our DCs are 16 and 13 and nephew is only 6. Whenever DSD is with us (normally EOW, but week on, week off at the moment since lockdown) they try to come for drinks. Luckily it's got better since lockdown as SiL is pregnant so they've only been round once.
I just say, I'm working, DP is doing overtime, I'm going to the supermarket, etc. So we manage to keep it to about once a fortnight.

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

During the week, you’re working, so sorry. At the weekend, you’ve got a headache but dh will bring the kids to yours, what time? Or tell them you’re fed up of being home all the time so you’ll meet them somewhere - wean them off the idea that they come to play in your garden whenever they’re at a loose end.

If you’re working from home, doing homeschooling and doing all the housework - do you and dh still get equal free time? Or does he need to step up?

[Appuskidu]

DHs family-he can take the kids to their house at the weekend.

I refuse to entertain in laws alone!

[Timeouttime]

@picklemewalnuts that is a genius idea!!!!

[picklemewalnuts]

Change your work times, maybe work across lunch, so you are homeschooling again 3-5.

[InvisibleWomenMustBeRead]

Agree with pp, tell them you need to get on with your work once homeschooling is done, so you can't have them around. Use that a few times along with having other friends to visit / going out to exercise or shop or whatever, and just keep repeating. You're not being unreasonable at all Op and if every weekend is too much for you, then tell your DH that it needs to be every other weekend and in the in-between weekends, he can go to his parents or sisters then and give you some peace.

[ComeBy]

You’ve got the perfect excuse:

‘Sorry, I am working and have Zoom calls with clients / colleagues, we have to fit these in after homeschooling’

Or just say ‘ah, not today or tomorrow but are you available next week on Tuesday?’

Or “the kids have a project, can’t fit in a visit this week what about next?”

“I’m getting the start of a headache and a temperature, could be hay fever but we are isolating for a week’

OR:

They come, regularly, let your DH experience a few evenings of no or late dinner, no milk to put in tea, all bread and biscuits missing in action. “Oh yes, I was busy with SIL and family and they wanted toast / biscuits “.

[Jaxhog]

Aren't we still in Lockdown? That would be my excuse for limiting family visits at the moment.

[GabsAlot]

obviously youre talking generally befor elockdown-i was going to say just tell them they cant play on anything because of corona and cant come in either

[user1494055864]

Tell them once you have finished homeschooling, the kids amuse themselves so you can get on with your work! It's really that simple! If they have a problem with that, it's theirs not yours xxx

[HelmutShmacker]

YANBU!!!!!

[Timeouttime]

@SoloMummy yes, sorry I wasn't clear, I work from home as a book keeper, which I do when I'm not homeschooling (which I do until 3 every day). On top of this I also have to 'keep house'. Whilst once a week still feels a lot to me I am prepared to suck it up for everyone else's sake, it's the constant midweek requests when my DH is at work that I find exhausting. I'm a bit of a 'pleaser' so although I'm beginning to be able to say no it's still getting to me.

@LaurieFairyCake now that sounds like a grand idea

[Coffeecak3]

Say ‘that’s great, you can help me pull the sofa out/clean kitchen cupboards.’
Or just ‘ get yourself a coffee, I want to finish this ironing/mopping this floor.’

[willowmelangell]

Yanbu. Dh can supervise them all in your garden. Take yourself off to walk/shop/breathe.

[IntermittentParps]

SoloMummy, the OP mentions 'work' as well as working as a homemaker.
But even if she was 'just' a homemaker, why should she drop everything all the time because the inlaws want to come over and (it sounds like) use her and her house as entertainment for their kids, and her DH won't step up?

OP, I'd be tempted to ignore their calls. If challenged, tell them they're better off contacting your DH anyway so they can make sure to come over when he's there.

I'd basically be polite but distant.

[nevergoingoutagain]

I'm with you. When people come over I feel I can't get anything done and I really hate younger kids I'm my house. My youngest is only 6 but that's way different to a toddler in my brand new house with brand new carpets!!

I obviously have one toddler in mind and I frequently put my best friend off coming as I can't bear it. Also my 11 year old ends up "babysitting" which she loves for about half an hour but then feels she can't go off in her own!

[SoloMummy]

Tbh I think yabu.
You're a housewife with 2 children who can work fairly indeodently. So unless you have a mansion and all change clothes 5 times a day, then you really are not "working" all day are you?
I'm working from home like many and home educating on top.of running the home. And yes now we're allowed to go out (shielding) we make time for family as well as "us".

Once a week isn't excessive and your children as well as theirs benefit .

[Apple1029]

I would absolutely hate this and thankfully we live hours away from family. We look forward to their visits because it's so infrequent. I do have a dsis that lives about 20min away but we always plan to get together, no pooping around. Your dh needs to respect you as well. It's also your home, he should be home to entertain them as well.
I grew up with this popping around nonsense and I truly hated it. So did dh. Actually most of our friends are the same and we make arrangements. I personally feel it's very disrespectful and rude to just assume people have nothing better to do than wait for visitors.

[Twigletfairy]

YANBU

[ifonly4]

Well, they can't allow their DC to play with play equipment in case of cross contamination for a start. I'd tell them it's not convenient/you're not feeling up to it. If the requests are constant, then you might not hear the phone or door

[novacaneforthepain]

@LaurieFairyCake absolute brilliant! Are they invited to join? Or do they just find out when they arrive?

[LaurieFairyCake]

Just have Naked Saturdays 🤷‍♀️

It's a heat wave this week, should be easy