to think you’d be mad to marry and have children with a partner whose parent(s) you hate?

[Merryoldgoat]

I suspect this isn’t the first thread about this but I’m truly perplexed.

I’ve read a few posts recently where the OP describes an untenable situation with one or more in-laws. It then transpires that this situation has been the case since the start of the relationship, there are now children in the mix and the partner refuses to address it.

I don’t get it - how does the relationship get that far? I’m not talking about minor irritations which are standard in any relationship - I’m taking about the bile and vitriol and trying to break you up.

Wouldn’t you just think ‘fuck this?’ I know I would.

[Isthisoveryet]

I think someone said something similar up thread - my MIL has always blown hot and cold. It’s as though she wants to be friends and close, but can’t quite bring herself to be that giving of herself so pulls herself back. Since having children the nice bits disappeared when we saw them. We’re now very LC (I haven’t seen her in over a year) but she messages me sometimes being very sweet. It’s all very confusing and not as clear cut as them being awful people.

[Canyousewcushions]

And as @MarieIVanArkleStinks said, I've got to the point now where I say something if I need to.

It's not gone down well, but after so many years of trying to get issues dealt with through DH's side/with FILs help it went nowhere and I've been left with no choice but to be direct.

[Sockmonster23]

You are not being like unreasonable unless the partner puts his own partner and kids first. Sadly my last relationship and with kids With him too ended to due to abuse but also narcissistic abuse and emotional abuse. His mother was another level awful. Her other children keep away, they set you up and make things up before you know it It’s a toxic relationship. His family interfered in everything from discipling the kids to the person I am. It was unbearable and worse he turned out like her. In my stupidly I wanted to see the good in them. When it ended due to his A's as well they made my life hell from calls to SS and fraud departments to council to everything I’ve been a good clean person my whole life. Defamation of character they should be done for. Also I am not the first to be on the receiving end of these pack of wolves as they were described to me by others who knew what they were like. Definitely will get to know any family first again when I am ready to date in the far away future. They put me off. Please please don’t ignore family red flags especially of your partner doesn’t see healthy boundaries and makes excuses for toxic behaviour but then again my ex was just his mother in many ways.

[WindsorBlues]

My PIL are just generally awful people, I think they'd behave awful to whoever DH ended up married to. DH made a decision to go LC with them after their behaviour at our wedding, so they're not really part of our lives.

We did go down last week to announce our pregnancy after five years of fertility struggles on my part. The first thing FIL did was take him to the side and whispered, loud enough for me to hear "are you sure it's yours son? You can never be to sure with that one".

He's a real charmer, but it just reaffirms that he made the right decision to keep them at arms length.

[BlueJava]

I agree with you OP. I don't want to sound to "mechanical" or cold, but I did think about several things when I decided to be with DP and my PILs were definitely one of them. As it happens they are pretty good and no major issues, but I'd definitely have reconsidered if they had been a nightmare.

[Cam2020]

I've done this! I seriously thought about ending things long before we had our daughter but I love my DP and are otherwise happy. The outlaws also moved abroad, so things became much more, bearable until we had our daughter and then they got somewhat worse. They were, however, still at a distance so it was manageable. Unfortunately, things have now got a lot worse due to unforseen events and I am NC with themand am, at the stage where I cannot near them any longer.

I would honestly advise anyone in this position to seriously consider their future - adding children into the mix often compounds things, but it's a difficult desicion.

[Fatted]

I definitely think my MIL changed over the course of my relationship with DH. Or maybe she hid her true self and it was over time the mask slipped. Probably around the time we got married, but then also BIL and SIL separated around the same time. She didn't have SIL to bitch about anymore so I guess her attention turned to me.

Unfortunately, she suffered a life changing stroke 6 years ago and is now disabled. I feel terrible for her. But she is still just as bitter and two faced as she ever was unfortunately.

[Summerhillsquare]

With my former inlaws, it was when their other son had kids that they went bananas. Quite pleasant up till then.

[DisobedientHamster]

My ex's mum was awful. The first time she met me, she told me I looked like one of her husband's mistresses. She never got better.

[AngelicInnocent]

After seeing what his mother did to his 2 older siblings marriages, my dad moved abroad with my mum as soon as they were married. His older brother married for a second time and did the same.

[Iverunoutofnames]

My MIL was fine for first few years of dating. We lived a long distance away and to be honest when we visited it would be so busy we never spent that much time together.
Then there was marriage, visits became less busy (fewer events, weddings etc) and I think at this point she realised DH was not moving back to his home town. Her displeasure was directed at me and continued for 20 years. She also decided that I needed ‘controlling’ and there was constant complaints I wouldn’t do as I was told - because I’m a fucking adult who knows better.
When DC were born she wasn’t pleased. It was another indication that DH wasn’t moving home to be her personal servant.
She made visits unpleasant and uncomfortable and then complained we didn’t visit more. She literally sobbed at the door way that we wouldn’t stay longer after treating me like shit for days.
She’s dead now and honestly it was like a weight being taken off my shoulders. DH still talks about how amazing she was and how we must all miss her (she wasn’t interested in DC and actually wasn’t that interested in DH except he was useful when FIL died).
I don’t think people always present themselves how they really are, sometimes this takes years to come out. You don’t always know what you are getting.

[Twirlytwoo]

@D4rwin

Having done this I think it's easy to reflect back on limited interactions with the benefit of hindsight and realise they were nasty bastards the whole time. When you only meet people once or twice and you're wrapped up in a new relationship it's easy to marvel at all the positives. A sort of confirmation bias. You're partner is great, so you're only seeing the good bits. When children come along so many over bearing grandparents really come into their stride and what looked like through rose tinted specs "helpful" becomes noticeably controlling when some true stress kicks in.

This! I have been tolerant and polite to my MIL but since I had my daughter, boy has she changed her tune! She tells me that she had doubts I would be a good mum, I relayed this back to DH who just says take what she says with a pinch of salt She also made some racist comments about me and my daughter I now think she is a narcissist as DH has FOG (we visited my family as my Nan is in her 90s and unable to travel far in the car and we can't tell his mum as she would be upset we haven't travelled to see her. My family are 3 hours away and she lives 6 hours away). DH is aware of how difficult his mum is and has said she is jealous of his life (and most probably jealous of me as well) but says she's his mum at the end of the day

[P999]

Gran22. I wish my exMIL had understood what you do. She started out perfectly nice, and i never (naively?) grasped what she was really like until it was too late. She was a terrible mother to her own kids but still felt entitled to stick her nose where it most definately didn't belong. I couldn't even do my own laundry the way I wanted to without her bloody interference. Shed openly criticise or undermine my parenting decisions in front of my kids, then label me difficult for sticking to my guns. I'm NC with her now.

[Reluctantcavedweller]

Though I agree in principle with the 'you marry the person, not the family', I realise now that I couldn't have coped with marrying someone whose parents I hated.

My in-laws are 1) very nice and well-meaning, and 2) conveniently located at the other end of the country, and I still can't cope with more than a few days with them at a time. I do support visits as much as I can because they dote on DS and are very good with him but ten days over Easter last year almost finished me. They are very kind, but set in their ways and slightly controlling... Things like making your own breakfast and going shopping on your own or choosing separate food are viewed as odd (not properly joining in) and commented on. You will never hear them say those blessed words, "Let's all do our own thing today". When I didn't have children, it was fine since I could sleep late and drink enough to cope, but DS is up by 7 (they sleep till 9.30, as does DH when home ), needs breakfast by 8 and is a fussy eater. Also, the way we parent is different in many respects from how they parented and MIL especially is full of opinions (which she does try to keep to herself, to give her credit, but they sometimes slip out). We all mean very well towards each other, but there is sufficient friction that I dread to think what it would be like if we actively disliked each other.

[justilou1]

I used to like my MIL. I was naive. She got shitfaced at my wedding and insisted on slurring out a poem about sex during the speeches. 😱😱😱. She has since remarried and embraced the homophobic and racist views of her husband, and insists that my DH and I know nothing of the real world (she has never worked, btw) and our children need to be “edjamacated” in her right-wing ways. Fortunately she lives nowhere near us and my kids loathe her and her policies.