To get back together with him?

[turtle16]

Hi all, I’m very new to this my first post.
Two years ago I split up with my DP of 8 years (married 5) due to his anger issues and taking it out on my DS and DD. We also have a DD together and he also started to lose his temper with her. He would swear and call them very nasty names.
He was on meds and exercising and we had some great times - years in fact, but then he decided to stop taking the meds, he got injured and stopped exercising and so he was quick to lose his temper again.
I decided enough was enough and we split when on holiday summer 2018.
He had a break down and got help, he’s back on meds and has been seeing a counsellor. He’s in a better place and I can see he is really trying to change, and I think he has somewhat.
We’re thinking about officially being back together as a couple as he’s been staying here in lock down during the week when I only have our DD here and then when I have my other two he goes to his place.
My two don’t want to ever love with him again and say they don’t want to really see him or even try. Their dad also says why would I want to even give him a chance when he mentally abused them.
I’m a Christian and believe in forgiveness and the value of marriage if the other person is willing to fight and change themselves for the better.
But AIBU to even consider it when my two children are so against it. DD that we have together would love nothing more.

[SeaShoreGalore]

Brilliant!

[katy1213]

Oh, good for you - didn't see that you'd up-dated!

[katy1213]

If marriage is so sacred, why aren't you with the father of your first family?
'Somewhat' changed - over quite a brief period of time - would not send me back to a violent man.

[SignOnTheWindow]

@turtle16

Just wanted to give an update. I didn’t take him back!!!
I have managed to buy my own house without and the divorce has been filed!!
The children all seem happier and I am happier.
Onwards and upwards!

What a fantastic update! Congratulations, OP - all power to you. Can't have been easy, but you absolutely did the right thing.

[BendyLikeBeckham]

Well done OP. So glad to hear you saw sense. I hope your DS settles down too.

[Thatwentbadly]

@turtle16

My older two are 13 and 17.
They live with their dad half the week and me the rest as we live a few villages apart from one another.
Lockdown has created a very artificial environment I think and we have ended up sleeping together when he’s here during the week.
I usually have my older two during the week but they need to be at their dads during the week to look after their other younger sister so I’ve ended up with three days every weekend.
My DS comes here and treats the house and me very disrespectfully, if he doesn’t get what he wants he throws things and slams the doors. He’s 13 and nearly 6ft, I’m 5.3ft there’s nothing I can do to stop him. DD says he doesn’t do this at his dads house, which upsets me as I feel he doesn’t even want to be with me. I sometimes feel that I ended my marriage for him (as he was the one who got most of the shouting at) and he doesn’t even care that I made myself a single parent or even want to be at my house anyway.

It’s not unusual for children who have been abused to act out in some way. Did you ever seek help for your son to help him deal with the abuse he experienced?

[turtle16]

Thank you all.
I think sometimes when you’re deep in a situation you can’t see the obvious
Wanted people that had commented before to know I hadn’t taken him back and that me and the kids are happy and man free!

[eatsleepread]

FFS, I can't believe I missed that. Sorry.

Seriously OP, well-done. You have 100% done the right thing.

[JackieTheFart]

Are you serious @eatsleepread? OP bumps her own post to update and you don’t even read it? Her update will be the only reason you even found it!

@turtle16 well done! Onwards and upwards

[tobedtoMNandfart]

@eatsleepread RTFT!

[tobedtoMNandfart]

That's great news. All the very best to you.

[eatsleepread]

Are you for real? It would be tantamount to child abuse, shacking up with this man again when your older children don't want it

[turtle16]

Just wanted to give an update. I didn’t take him back!!!
I have managed to buy my own house without and the divorce has been filed!!
The children all seem happier and I am happier.
Onwards and upwards!

[JRUIN]

Date him and sleep over at his if you must, but do not let the man who emotionally abused your kids back into your home. That would be horrendously unfair on them

[DPotter]

Turtle

I am pleased you have decided to step away from this man.
I find quite chilling that he started to attend your church and inveigle his way back into your life through charming your friends and the minister. I find it hard to believe a competent counsellor would think that starting to attend your ex's church was a good move for an abusive spouse, without asking 'permission' from the ex.

I think you need to find support away from your church. If he continues to attend your church, you will probably find yourself under pressure to take him back, and even worse, the children may find themselves under pressure as well.
Marriage is only 'sacred' because religious society has deemed it so. What could be more naturally sacred than giving birth to a child.

[Divebar]

OP I’ve met lots of abusive men during the course of my work who’ve been absolutely charming... to me and everyone around me. Probably because they were locked up in a police cell for battering their wives and wanted to get out. They were completely believable so the fact that other people think he’s nice or has changed means nothing really. I’ve also sadly dealt a case of child sexual abuse where the perpetrator was a known paedophile who came out of prison for child sex offences and was practically adopted by a Christian family because they believed In forgiveness and thought he’d learnt his lesson. Turns out he hadn’t. Forgiveness was not theirs to give and I don’t think is yours to give either - it’s for your children, and seemingly they don’t want to give it. Incidentally your DS ( as a 13 year old) is not in a position to moderate his emotions very well yet and was taught by your DP at a very early age that shouting and verbal abuse is the way you deal with things. Your DP has imprinted that message on his developing brain. You’ve got some work to do with him to change that because those structures can be quite fixed depending on the age he was at the time of the abuse. Don’t be complacent about that because this is the learning we take into
adulthood. Good luck though moving forward... it looks like your first MN post has proved helpful.

[MiddleAgedLurker]

A close family member got all the stuff about the sanctity of marriage from her church when her (serial adulterer) husband claimed to be sorry. Cue years more of unhappiness and emotional abuse, and deep lack of confidence/self esteem. That you have been contemplating taking him back suggests that you have low self esteem OP, so get some professional help with that (your GP can signpost). You have been strong before and you can do it again. Your kids deserve better and so do you. Btw, my relative is now in a happy and nurturing relationship. It can be done! Stick to your guns and do what is right, as 100% of people who have no vested interests on here have agreed. Good luck to you

[NameChange84]

I’m a Christian. I don’t think God would be ok with me allowing a man to emotionally abuse my children. My parents stayed together because of religion and both emotionally abused me in the process. It scars you for life and makes you more likely to end up in an abusive marriage because you’ve grown up believing you are worthless and deserve abuse. I could never put my own children through that and think it’s awful when people use religion as an excuse for allowing their children to be abused and turning a blind eye.

Your “sacred” marriage is not a good enough reason to stay with a man who’s harmed your children. I’m pretty sure God would agree with me on that.

[Flyingagainstreason]

I think you need to really try and repair your relationship with your son. You said you don’t think he even likes me- I mean are you surprised. You only left a man who abused him because it was starting to affect your youngest, whilst that night not be completely true, he may well see it like this. And he’s probably scared shitless life will go back to how it was.

Perhaps take some advice from your faith on how to repair the damage that’s been done

[crimsonlake]

I am glad you have come to the right decision, but deep down I think you will actually let this situation carry on.

[hugefanofcheese]

I'm glad I read to the end before commenting and note that you are not planning to continue with your ex. Good.

The bit about your son not appreciating you leaving an abuser and making yourself a single parent makes you sound very whiny and selfish, possibly due to conditioning by an abusive man, possibly not. I don't know. Your son does not owe you thanks for protecting him, that is what parents should do. He will know you have been sleeping with the ex again. This will make him feel very uncertain and belittled. If you're minimising the anger and abuse, consider would you be doing the right thing if it was sexual or physical abuse instead of mainly verbal? None are any position to put a child in.

Your minister is useless, frankly. If he hasn't had any adult and child safeguarding training giving him an awareness of domestic abuse or toxic relationships he is not fit for the role. I would be thinking of moving to a different church. Reserve your Christian compassion for your kids. Don't use it as an excuse to give this man another chance because you are lonely.

[Yeahnahmum]

Christian believes can get you in a world of shit sometime... Sigh I am happy you found the only good answer out there :no (to restart your marriage)

[Dozer]

Sorry you had a bad night, but glad you’re intending to become free of this person. As some PPs have mentioned, please do look into the Freedom Programme, and read up on emotional abuse.

[turtle16]

So I prayed and prayed and fell asleep crying for God to guide me. The next morning the first thing I saw when I turned on my phone was this post from a lady at church on our church group page. My relationship is now over.
Thank you to everyone who replied. Some of you were harsh but I would never intentionally put a man above my kids, but I think hearing everyone’s views especially those with a Christian background gave me the wake up call I needed.
Onwards and upwards!!

[Dozer]

Staying with him is not, IMO, even the “Christian thing to do”. When it’s so clearly to your DCs’ direct detriment.

Even if your church leaders/friends are saying otherwise.