DD (8 years) has suddenly started talking about how she wouldn't be bothered if me or her brothers die?

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

AIBU to think this is not normal?

DD came back from her Dad's on Tuesday and has been very out of sorts since, mood wise. Since then she has spoken on 3 seperate occasions about how she would feel if her older brothers died, she says she would be glad. I was really taken aback and every time said that is a really unkind thing to say and how would she feel if it really happened and she said she doesn't care! I calmly told her that hearing this is upsetting for me and she has hurt my feelings and that isn't okay.

Tonight she has refused to eat her evening meal, so I left it an hour and then sat her down just now and said she needs to eat (sausage, broccoli and potato nothing terrible and something she usually enjoys) she pushed the plate across the table and started screaming. I told her she would not have any device time tonight as a consequence of her behaviour and she said 'I hate you and I hope you die'. I again said that is really unkind, hearing that hurts and have put her to bed (she has only had fruit for breakfast and cheese on toast and cucumber, tomato and pepper today so I'm worried she is starving ) and she was screaming in her room 'I just want you to die I hate you so much'. She is now sobbing. Part of me wants to go talk to her but if I hear that she wants me to die again, I don't trust myself not to burst into tears or shout at her. She regularly says she hates me but this wanting us to die thing is new.

I have anxiety and I am going into catastrophic thinking mode that her distress is as as a result of something huge or her father had said something about dying to her. I can't imagine he would though, he was an abusive shit towards me but has never ever been anything but a bit too permissive and over protective of the DC. AIBU to think this is totally not okay or normal? Would you go and talk to her even if it means you might not be the calm parent you should be? Please don't pile on me, for various reasons I'm quite raw. I just want to know if anyone else has dealt with this.

[Bookoffacts]

She's possibly seen something about death - maybe in a cartoon or on daytime news?
Children might realise that death exists at this age and have a mini crisis about it.
Just lots of love and empathy. Bring it up gently in the day if you can. I think she's realising mummy will die one day (possibly soon in her mind) and is pushing you away to deal with the hurt.
Obviously this isnt rational but children don't think like adults.
Just lots of love and reassurance that mummy will always be there and youll be little old ladies together at 80 and 110. She won't like the idea of you dying when she's very old either so best to not go there. They have a very underdeveloped sense of time.

It's all part of the parenting journey. Quite usual, but covid times has probably made it worse.

[NoseyfriendNC]

What race are you? Do you think she's seen the news or protests and is feeling worried? My own DD has been very anxious the past few days as she's never known about differences in race until now.

I feel really sorry for your DD. Try not to be too hard on her she definitely doesn't mean it. I wonder if she is worried about death either her own or her families so I think talking about death and trying not to make it too scary might be the best way to go. I remember my DD went through a faze of not sleeping around the same age as she was worried she would die.

[Fanthorpe]

For anyone who needs help NAPAC.org.uk

[Healthyandhappy]

Plx do try it it's really good xx

[Beautiful3]

I'm sorry you were abused op. Wait for her to calm down and ask her why she was so angry.

[Frozenfan2019]

How often do they go to their dads? It might be one incident or a general feeling or he might be doing or saying something. If it's minor it will pass as they settle back with you. If it continues I would probe further but maybe focus more on the 12 year old as he is more likely to be able to articulate things.

So sorry to hear about your abuse. How dreadful.

I will probably get criticised for saying this but is it possible they've spent several days straight on games consoles eating sweets? My kids would be grumpy and overwhelmed and overtired by this and leaving would be kind of like coming home from a holiday, yes it's good to be home but it will be a while until you have the freedom to do all those fun things again without anyone restricting you. Let's hope it's just that.

[Healthyandhappy]

Also she doesnt watch it listens to it

[Fanthorpe]

That’s really tough OP, did you get help? Are you dealing with your trauma by yourself?

I’m glad you had a good talk, it sounds like you helped her.

[Healthyandhappy]

It's called sleeping dragon guided meditation it outs me tiktok loving child whom will not sleep with emotional outbursts to sleep and its helping her be confident

[ThePlantsitter]

Oh no that's horrible OP. It must be difficult for you.

My 9 year old is struggling with lockdown and told me the other day that sometimes she just wants to get angry and stomp off and we all make it worse by trying to calm her down. So we're letting her go and things have improved.

It does sound as though there was a trigger for this though, as it came on so suddenly.

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

I have spoken to her. She just demonstrated that she gets angry and (sweeping her arms over her head) it all just went wrong. She was overwhelmed. I reassured her that I'm here to help her when she is overwhelmed and to listen to get. I also told her that if there is anything that makes her feel weird or she gets a strange feeling in her tummy about anything at all she must speak to me.

I am struggling with her at this age because an older cousin of mine started abusing me when I was 8 and it culminated in me being raped at 11. I think I'm absolutely terrified for her, maybe she is picking up on that?

[Healthyandhappy]

Tonight go on youtube and type in guided sleep meditation kids the dragon one is amazing really helping my kids sleep and relax xx

[ECBC]

Agree with @Dontcoughnearme

Also agree you need to provide a safe space for her to open up to you, just focus on how she is feeling while you are doing this and process your own feelings after (easier said than done I know)

[Dontcoughnearme]

Sounds like parental alienation from the dad about you.

[AntiHop]

Definitely go and hug her reassure her, do whatever she needs to feel safe. Then call her dad and see if you can get anything out of him.

[lyralalala]

If they've both come back angry and critical then something has been said or done.

As difficult as it is you need to reassure her (and your 12yo) that you love her.

Sounds like someone has been filling her head with nonsense.

When my girls used to come home from their Dad's like that I generally ignored the bad behaviour and only reacted to nasty comments by saying "Please don't say that, it's very hurtful, I love you very much". It usually took a long time for the comments (usually Mum doesn't love you, I love you more, I would let you do X amazing thing, but Mum said no) to come out from them.

[itsgettingweird]

Either something has happened at dads.

Or she's heard a lot of the discussions around schools and Covid and children catching it etc and she's confused and scared. So she's basically believing you have a risk of dying and so does she if they return and her emotional response to proactively defensive to a stance of pretending she wouldn't care.

It's very common for children to deal with fears by pretending they don't bother them and they don't care.

[Fatted]

Cross posted. So he is Disney dad and you get all the shite to deal with? Sounds about right.

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

She has quietened down now. I will go talk to her and give her a cuddle.

[Fatted]

Chances are she doesn't want you to die and doesn't mean it like that. But she does sound like she is angry and upset at something and is venting in the way she knows how.

It definitely sounds like something has happened at dad's. Doesn't necessarily mean anything sinister. Does she usually get pandered to and her own way with dad? If you are speaking to her dad, can you ask him how her behaviour is there? Maybe ask about how she's eaten because she's off her food with you.

If it makes you feel any better, my 5 year old told me he wished I wasn't his mum because I wouldn't let him eat sweets for his lunch the other day. I told him I loved him all the same and I would miss him if I wasn't his mum. But didn't let him get an emotional reaction out of me.

[ComplexPTSDmaybe]

One of her brothers is her Dad's (the 12 year old) my 17 year old has a different dad.

I have asked her Dad as both of them came back with really odd moods (saying my house was boring because I don't have a games console like at their dads and that I don't have good food because I don't have a sweet cupboard like him) but he says they are fine with him. DS2 has settled down a bit but they both came back angry and very critical of me. I have asked in a round about way if their Dad has been saying negative things about me but they didn't give anything away.

[AndAllOurYesterdays]

Sounds like a cry for help. Try not to let it upset you, she doesn't mean it, and will probably be horrified by saying it in years to come. Make sure she knows you are there no matter what and whatever she says.

[Porridgeoat]

Look just tell her you love her and make her feel secure. She’s trying to get a reaction from you.aknowledge that she seems really upset and ask if theres anything she’s worried about

[Fanthorpe]

I agree, she’s processing something and not coping with it at all. Has she watched a film, heard a conversation or been told something, I wonder?

I would make her feel very safe and comfortable, reassured and have a talk about how if we don’t understand something it’s best to talk to you, and what’s ever she says you’ll listen. Tell her she’s your priority and she can trust you. Don’t promise anything you can’t be sure of though.

[ThePlantsitter]

Go and give her a cuddle until she calms down. Maybe don't say anything except 'i love you' for now and try to find out tomorrow (and yes call your ex if that's a thing you can do).