Who is BU in this scenario please?

[AmIReallyThough]

Ok I’m aware this is ludicrous but I feel I’m losing the plot and can’t see the word for the trees. Who’s out of order here?

Background: Just turned 14 yr old SS, SDad and Mum. Been together 8ish years and always been some tension between SD and SS, growing now in teenage years. I can’t see the woods for the trees but all I know is it’s making me deeply miserable.

Newish puppy. SS struggling with puppy biting toes etc and isn’t consistent with how to deal with it which can make it worse. Puppy is biting his toes. He says he was holding his foot up to get away from dog, SD says he was wriggling foot making dog think he was playing. SS getting worked up. Following plays out:

SD: put your foot down on the floor, we’ve told you not to do that. You’re wriggling it.
SS: I’m not!
SD: You are, you’re moving your foot around and he thinks you’re playing
SS: I’m not, I’m just doing this! (Holds foot up)
SD: (dog has let go now) You were! You were going like this! (Wiggles foot)
DD: I wasn’t!!! (Getting more irate)
SD: I’m not lying!! (Also getting more irate)
SS: Well yeah you are!!
SD: (Shouting now) How dare you call me a liar?! I am not lying! Don’t you call me a liar!
Mum: Stepdad! You need to get out! (He had to go back to work). We don’t even use that word ‘liar’. You’re the one who brought it up! He shots back-you need to speak to him! How dare he call me a liar!!!
SD: Goes up to SS, points his finger in his face and says: I don’t care what your mum says, don’t you DARE call me a liar!!! Storms out shouting at me that SS is out of order and how dare he! I tell him he’s out of order actually.

I told you...crazy! But one of very many similar heated exchanges...am I wrong? So fed up of it all

[birthdaybelle]

I think don't look at it as stepdad and stepson and think about how you'd feel if his dad acted like this

[birthdaybelle]

Woah. Gaslighting!!

[Chickychoccyegg]

we dont know the ins and outs so hard to judge, but i have a 14 and a 16 yesr old and they can be absolutely horrible sometimes to me and their dad, they could argue blue was red when in the mood, i guess you'll have a better idea wither ds was being an arse winding up sd, and sd overreacted or if your dh is just a nasty twat all the time to ds? your dh comes out of this badly regardless , so i would be considering if this relationship was worth it for yourself and your son

[User0ne]

Have you posted about this before? I ask because it's so similar to a thread I read s while back.

The responses were the same and I agree with them. I feel awful for your son. If you're not prepared to tell SD to sling his hook then you should insist on family councilling (tbh it sounds like SD is bordering on being emotionally abusive to DS and a councillor may refuse on that basis)

[Macncheeseballs]

I'm surprised you even have to ask that question

[LakieLady]

He's an arsehole and a bully. Your son doesn't deserve to be bullied like this.

[PhilTheGroundhog]

I feel so sorry for any child that is force to live in an uncomfortable environment because their parents puts their own needs above the child.

It's supposed to be his safe haven and he gets shouts at because of how he's holding his foot?!

Utterly selfish.

[PennyInMyPocket]

I’m not sure what’s going on except puppy was biting DS toes. Puppies eh? They grow out of the biting stage at around 5 months old when they lose their puppy teeth. Hope your family members can keep it together until then 🤷🏻‍♀️

[cstaff]

I know posters on here advise to never show threads to whoever you are discussing and in cases of potential divorce or serious abuse that makes complete sense.

In this case your family row was fairly innocent, just annoying but your dh was having none of it I.e accepting the replies of these crazy women on mn. So if he doesn't want to listen to you, you can be damn sure that he won't be interested in the opinion of 50 other wimin.

[VettiyaIruken]

He was never going to accept it was he? He doesn't care what you think. He's hardly going to care what we do.

What matters here is what you choose to do now.

[EmbarrassedWoman]

Its doesnt matter what that twat says.

What are you going to do OP?
Are you happy for your son the feel intimidated and scared in his own home.

I can assure you if my dh was to get into the face of any of my children (2 his and one his stepchild) then the he would be out the door in seconds.

Get the twat out put your son first

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@Noeuf exactly. Teenagers lie non stop and can be annoying AF. I wouldn't want to financially and/or emotionally look after someone else's child even part time only to have it used against me.

Being a step parent isn't that easy or rewarding sometimes and while abuse can not be tolerated the kids have to at least know they don't get to treat that person like shit.

But this is a typical power struggle imho and deciding SD is at fault not helpful unless he really is 100% a prick.

[SouthWestmom]

Forgot to add:

The boys all have asd.

[SouthWestmom]

Well I don't know. I'm raising three boys with their dad and the battles between him and the oldest (18) are awful. Just no respect from son, and an awful lot of goading directed at dad who then flips and shouts/swears. So the SD think may be a red herring.

I also have a pet and a 14 year old boy who absolutely lies about what he's doing. Presses the cat, puts blankets on her etc and then denies it

[Stannisbaratheonsboxofmatches]

No point showing the thread to abusive, twatty men. They’ll always have to be right, and now he’s got access to your safe space of Mumsnet, or at least is aware you’ve got access to advice.

I wouldn’t live with someone who treated my child in this way (I am divorced with two kids).

[Vodkacranberryplease]

It's the oldest story out there .. boy gets to a certain age and butts heads with dad/step dad. It sounds like a ridiculous argument and your husband behaved childishly (are you calling me a liar? Really?)

There is a lot of Corona madness out there, this is not bringing out the good side in many people and you are left refereeing and can't win.

They are probably both in the wrong (we don't know the build up here - if SS is happy for SD to pay for his expensive trainers but then keeps saying you're not my dad and winding him up for example) then it's going to create tension.

Apart from suggesting some family therapy (which is just a massive pain and seems like overkill) what can you do? IF you can find someone local and sensible who will stick to a short course of cbt or similar and everyone can sit down together, say their piece and agree to/stick to specific rules then it's a good bet.

Otherwise you have teeenage hormones + lockdown + unclear boundaries = carnage. Maybe there's a book someone can recommend?

What I will say is that trying to make it one persons fault is the worst thing you can do. Unless there's other reasons your husband is an arsehole and your son is an angel (he's not) your DH will dig his heels in, refuse to change, and will withdraw.

Equally expectations of DS seen to be realistic, but he doesn't get off the hook or to get away with things he shouldn't.

You shouldn't have to be in the middle though so maybe set some rules up, see a counsellor, but otherwise stay as neutral as poss.

Also with teens all roads seem to lead back to if you do things with them (hobbies sports etc) then they bond without having long conversations. Could be DIY or going to get something. Anything really. As long as they get to work as a team on something they feel good about.

[Takingontheworld]

Not remotely surprised he reacted as he did.

Now do your part OP. Better late than never. Ltb.

[Nottherealslimshady]

Oh wow just saw your update.
Tell him I said...
Wankeeeerrrrrrrr!!

He's playing like he's the silverback and is the boss of the pair of you.

[Nottherealslimshady]

Step dads a prick trying to assert his dominance over a young boy.

[blosstree]

That response 'living your life through Mumsnet' ... as if it's some sort of fake world and we aren't real people with real opinions on here?!

Whatever makes him feel better I suppose

[TerrorWig]

Maybe stepson shouldn’t have called him a liar.

But step son is 14 and being goaded by an adult man who then gets up in face which is very threatening.

So...you know, does it make him feel like the Big Man to get one over a child? To intimidate because he’s bigger and definitely not a liar?

What a prince among men. Tell this story to your male friends step dad and see if they agree.

[Andwoooshtheyweregone]

Hi twat, bye twat! 👋

[LovingLola]

Are there other children?
Your son will be able to escape in a few years. You’ll be stuck. Do you want to change your life or are you resigned that this is it?

[hammeringinmyhead]

Hi stepdad. You're a jackass. Hth.

[Ponoka7]

Teenagers are wind up merchants, but as the adult, you let it go and turn every little incident into a big argument. Ask him if he thinks his parent strategy is working and what is it that he hopes to achieve.