The only answer allowed is 'fine' or 'good'

[fia101]

My husband hates any form of complaining or telling the truth about how life really is.

If my PIL ask me how my parents are (who they know) I have to say "they're fine thanks" I can feel my husband's disapproval if I dare to say 'actually they're not great".

If my mother law asks how work is or life in general then it doesn't how it actually is the right response is apparently "great thanks".

I'm all for positivity but surely there has to be a time when you can be honest about what's really going on.

He can't see that perhaps it's unhealthy to always say you're fine (when you're not)

Anyone else like this?

I know I'm making a big leap between the two scenarios but I'm frustrated that my husband still can't see how damaging it is that the only appropriate answer is "I'm fine"

I also agree this is not a leap at all. It is the same.

I don't like people who ask how you are when they don't want to hear and and don't care about the answer. They don't care about you and it's not a good relationship.

I always say I’m fine to people when they ask, because the majority of the time people don’t really care or want to help you if you’re not fine.

BUT, I’d never expect anyone else to be like that and if they want to open up to someone I’d never tell them not to. Even I open up to people sometimes. Your husband can’t dictate your answers to people.

My mil is like this. If you remark on anything negatively or have any negative emotions you are a whinger. But she also doesn't really care or want to know. They're family are world champions at repressing (suppressing?) emotions. It's very unhealthy. I agree about the bils house, put it on the market and see if anyone wants to talk about it then.... 🤨

Gah. Their.

In your position, I’d tell ‘my truth’ to the PIL. If or when your DH makes a face, a contradiction, or stalks out I’d turn to PIL and ask calmly ‘Was DH like this as a child, where he thinks you’re too fragile to know the basic truth about things? It’s strange in middle-age, but it must have been even more unusual as a kid?’ Let them answer THEIR truth. Maybe he’ll hear it.

Where would the world be if everyone pasted on fake smiles, and declared everything to be ‘just fine’? Tell your DH that the Emperor’s New Clothes is the metaphor for our age, and his views are so old-fashioned as to be embarrassing (at best) and dangerous (at worst).

Take the line that you’re not into grumpy old men, and if he’s going to need slippers and a pipe next, then you’re out. Personally, I’d take on something in conversation myself that was as embarrassing as his trait, until he shuts up. Snort at the end of each comment, or try and convert everyone to the Flying Spaghetti Monster religion until he gets it?

Hang on, YOU are paying bil’s expenses? Your husband’s brother? And dh wont talk about it? Or doesn’t know? As bil is an adult, he needs to be discussing this with his co mortgagee. Is bil also reality averse or just a cf?

My mother is exactly the same as this. I have a 20mth old baby and if I say anything negative, for ex. He was really difficult today, lots of tantrums, her response is I don’t want to hear that, granny’s only want to hear good things.

I suffered really badly with PND after he was born and never felt like I could admit it to her.

Yet because we have experienced 3 suicides in our extended family, she’ll say things like isn’t it great there’s so much more focus on mental health these days, and doesn’t see the hypocrisy.

If I was in your position I’d tell your husband that you’re not going to lie, and if he doesn’t like what you say, tough!

Be open if you want to be and let him get his knickers in a twist.

I've been paying my bil's mortgage and council tax for a year now because my husband won't actually confront him about this. They own the house together but mortgage in both names and brother lives there. He isn't working at the moment but has not come to us and asked if we can pay tax and mortgage.

Surely this is literally impossible without you/your DH agreeing to it and doing it. It didn't happen by itself. He obviously has asked or it wouldn't be happening. Do you mean that he hasn't asked every month (even though his circumstances haven't changed) or something?

I was thinking about it and maybe your DH is trying to get you to keep your chin up? Have you been a little down or has he ever had a loved one with MH problems?

If someone is constantly down then it can be hard to know what to say/do.

@Nitpickpicnic

In your position, I’d tell ‘my truth’ to the PIL. If or when your DH makes a face, a contradiction, or stalks out I’d turn to PIL and ask calmly ‘Was DH like this as a child, where he thinks you’re too fragile to know the basic truth about things? It’s strange in middle-age, but it must have been even more unusual as a kid?’ Let them answer THEIR truth. Maybe he’ll hear it.

Where would the world be if everyone pasted on fake smiles, and declared everything to be ‘just fine’? Tell your DH that the Emperor’s New Clothes is the metaphor for our age, and his views are so old-fashioned as to be embarrassing (at best) and dangerous (at worst).

Take the line that you’re not into grumpy old men, and if he’s going to need slippers and a pipe next, then you’re out. Personally, I’d take on something in conversation myself that was as embarrassing as his trait, until he shuts up. Snort at the end of each comment, or try and convert everyone to the Flying Spaghetti Monster religion until he gets it?

Agree with everything here

Re house it's a bit more complex

Both brothers bought house together in boom in 2006

No deposit put down, interest only mortgage, house low about £30k negative equity

Not sure why but my now husband moved into house in 2006 whilst his brother chose to live with friends and then emigrated.

Mortgage was a tracker so really low ie started at 500'and over years reduced.

Husband (all before married him) paid mortgage and rates and bills (obviously) and did some renovations.

He didn't pay market rate rent just mortgage.

Moves out 2015.

House rented for a year.

Brother returns and moves in. Pays low mortgage for a year (like husband did)

Year later brother sends detailed spreadsheets to husband charting mortgage interest rate from 2006 know and mortgage paid.

Brother works out that my husband (comes from our joint account) needs to pay mortgage and council tax on house for x number of years in order to ensure equal benefit.

I understand need to have equal benefit but I haven't seen spreadsheet or how it was worked out.

It's also likely that brother may end up living there as long as husband did which would mean he's actually had more of a benefit.

It's the lack of communication about this which annoys me. I agree there needs to some arrangement and happy to pay but I've no idea how been worked out or for how long. Directly affects me as out of joint account.

Thanks Grufbelow (don't know how to tag sorry) - I'd say I was fine to an acquaintance or stranger but talking about family here. Not talking about a confessional here either just a line to family in law when they ask how things are.

I don't have any family here so his family is all I have. The fact can't even be honest feels isolating.

I asked him if he would be happy if our kids hid what was going on for them or that they needed help. He conceded he wouldn't.

Is he always such an ostrich? How do you deal with finances if he just won't discuss it?!

It sounds like he was brought up to be so averse to any conflict that he actively tries to deny anything bad ever happening at all to anyone. Its really unhealthy. Don't let it stop you from being honest though

I don't even know where to begin but how are you? Fine thanks. Isn't the issue.

Brother works out that my husband (comes from our joint account) needs to pay mortgage and council tax on house for x number of years in order to ensure equal benefit.

This sounds like a load of old shit.
Get the house rented out and get the brother to rent a smaller property or a spare room

Also tell your husband to stop being such a controlling arsehole.

Thanks sushiroller

Fine when it comes to our finances but scared (due to uncle who died) to speak to his brother about this.

Brother keeps leaving jobs but at same time his wife has set up a new business so I'm just not sure how long this arrangement will go on for. Has the council tax been included in calculations or is it an oversight.

I've got kids , I work my ass off full time in a demanding job and could do without paying this when I know at the end of the mortgage term there'll be a £30k shortfall anyway.

Sounds like my husband's family tbh
Their "fine thanks" included minor details like my mil having a stroke or developing dementia. Final straw for me was when SIL who I thought we were close to died from cancer and we found out from a phone call.

I think it totally depends on the depth of the relationship and the context.

It is draining when people meet every question about their wellbeing with a whinge. And positivity is good up to a point.

But if you can’t open up when it really matters it’s not healthy. Your DH sounds as if he has quite an irrational anxiety about emotions. My mum was a bit like this: she found talking about negative stuff very stressful and it became a kind of pathology because she wasn’t able to ask for help with things that were really difficult.

I think it’s quite odd that he seems to want to shield his parents from this. Have you asked him directly why he does this?

This is really unhealthy. I'd be tempted to be truthful completely from now on, no hiding anything and ask dh pp comments as well as his mum and dad.

. If or when your DH makes a face, a contradiction, or stalks out I’d turn to PIL and ask calmly ‘Was DH like this as a child, where he thinks you’re too fragile to know the basic truth about things? It’s strange in middle-age, but it must have been even more unusual as a kid?’ Let them answer THEIR truth. Maybe he’ll hear it.

"My husbands family are lovely but nobody is allowed to tell the parents about any family upsets or problems. Nobody discusses it."

That's how MIL was/is treated to an extent.

Although tbh I don't tell my ILs much/anything as I don't have much of a relationship with them.

I'm not interested in discussing my health or my parent's health with them.

Thanks all.

I'd be happy enough just to say - "they're good thanks but my dad isn't always great" and leaving it there. Not wanting to have a confessional or burden people.

@fia101

Thanks all.

I'd be happy enough just to say - "they're good thanks but my dad isn't always great" and leaving it there. Not wanting to have a confessional or burden people.

Well that sounds fine to me tbh & I can't see how that would even be that distressing for them-or even surprising given that your dad has Parkinsons.

It's a very English thing to do. I've always over shared things in my life as I like conversation and bonding with people, often involving my own self depreciation.
I've stopped to quite a large extent.

A lot of english stay they're fine, great etc. Then one day they divorce or die. Fine up to then though!

It's also a class thing. It's common to overshare in their opinion. And cringy/naff/ offensive /socially unacceptable in their minds.
There are so many subtle rules of english class behaviour but most of them are secrets!

I might be the the only person to admit this and expect to be roasted.

"It's also a class thing. It's common to overshare in their opinion."

I'm not sure it's that tbh.

I don't want to discuss what is personal to me with everyone who asks me how I am.

I'm sure that the upper class can gossip along with everyone else-just not in front of the staff

Maybe if you're feeling particularly pointed you could turn the 'how are you' around and say 'why do you ask?'
But it is a bit of a stiff upper lip thing.

I was brought up in the “I’m fine thank you” school of thought. That essentially it’s bad manners to say anything else, because you’re only being asked out of politeness and the person asking doesn’t actually care. And I think it has its place - it’s comes across as pretty childish and self-involved to go into the details of your woes to all and sundry....

BUT and it’s a pretty massive but, if my in-laws (and let’s face it I’ve known them a decade and I’m the mother of their grandchildren) ask me how my parents are, then I actually tell them. It is NOT a superficial relationship and if they ask, I assume they want the answer! But maybe if your husband was brought up like me, he’s struggling to shake the idea that you can’t answer honestly?