DH won't let me relax when I'm eating

[loreleigilmore28]

I had my second baby in December and this time around I've struggled to lose the weight I gained (probably gained more than I should in pregnancy anyway)

DH hasn't really said anything about it
apart from when I've mentioned that it's getting me down he'll say "oh well do something about it then". He won't give me sympathy but that's fine I do need a bit of a push to action.

However he's been really pissing me off about eating. Whenever, and I mean whenever, he sees me eating, even my regular meals not even snacks, he always raises an eyebrow or smirls and says "so much for the diet". It takes the enjoyment out of me eating anything at all.

Last night he rang me on his way home, quite late, kids in bed... he's getting a take away, do I want something. So I said yes please that sounds nice the usual etc...

So he comes home but then when I'm dishing mine out ( in a normal manner) he goes 'oh look at you, you cant wait'... I ignore him.
Then when I'm eating he does an impression of me eating like an exaggerated mouth stuffed "nom mom nom".

So I just went mad, told him why did he bring it if he just planned to mock me for eating it, and he'd ruined the meal for me. I put it on the side and went upstairs.
But then hes kicked off for me being rude and respectful but I'd literally had enough.
He went to work this morning still in a mood but I'm not placating him or apologising for kicking off like I usually would because I really think I've had enough.
Aibu?

[Dougalthesyrianhamster]

@loreleigilmore28 Are you ok?

[Geppili]

What Vegancow said.

[VeganCow]

This is simple. He is a nasty fucker. A nasty fucker who has a strop when he is called out on it.

[Trudij123]

I’m with Enough4me - can of blue paint will sort him.

OP, he sounds vile, you deserve so much kinder. Xx

[understandmenow]

He sounds vile!

@BarboreJacket when you say . If you're not, and he's touched a nerve, that's a different matter.

It's just a fucking stupid comment!

He's not "touched" a nerve by mimicking and degrading OP whilst she's eating, he's being absolutely vile to her! He set her up to fail, "do you want a takeaway". Why if he's truly concerned did he not get some healthy food, come home and cook a healthy meal ? Did he expect OP to sit there watching and smelling him eat his takeaway whilst she ate dust?



If that's your idea of "touched a nerve", I'd hate to see your idea of nasty.

[Hangingover]

Urgh he sounds like such an immature twat! Can you have a conversation about it when you calm down and try and get on the same page as one another? He should definitely apologize but it might also help to let him know exactly how he can support you e.g not offering takeaways, planning meals together etc. DP and me occasionally have little moments of frustration because nearly every day we have a variation on this conversation;
DP: I'm fat. I hate my belly.
Me: you're not that fat! There's just a bit of weight around your midriff, it'd be easy to shift with some small changes.
DP: Okay! What shall I do?
Me: Well....like I suggested before, maybe cut out the ice cream bar and coffee milk every day - that's about 600 gone easily
DP: Great! No more ice creams/coffee milks starting now!
...... following day as I am going to the shop.....
DP: can you grab me an ice cream and coffee milk and some nacho chips and Timtams?
Me: .....ummm......

It's difficult because I don't want to food shame him like your twat of a DP but at the same time I feel that gently challenging these habits will help him achieve his goals. Can you think of anyways he can help you stay on track in a positive non-twattery way?

[Enough4me]

When I saw Smerf --Smurf him I wondered if it involved a can of blue paint to shut him up.

[SocialConnection]

SMERF him!

(An assertiveness technique).

Calm voice and words, neutral body language and expressions, so he doesn't react automatically to perceived threat (which will make him stop listening).

Situation: I'm going to speak to you about something you have been doing a lot recently. Please listen.

Mirror his behaviour back to him: I have noticed you have a habit of making belittling comments about me eating.

Effect: When you do this, I feel offended and upset, especially as I'm dealing with post childbirth and two children as well as lockdown.

Result: And even though you know this upsets me, the fact you keep doing it tells me you are not respecting me, my feelings or the fact that I have just given you a new baby, which takes time for recovery.

Future: I've told you clearly how your choice of behaviour makes me feel. So from now on, please respect my feelings, and resist the urge to criticise and comment.

[NearlyGranny]

I'd go with what Mummyyyyyyyyyy suggested and stop trying to diet at all. You've got a small baby, an older child, broken nights and lockdown to deal with and that's more than enough!

Tell him you're going to let yourself settle, he is not the food police and you want to hear zero from him, including judgy face-pulling.

His role is never to ask or comment, only to bring home what you specifically ask for food-wise and if he wants extra himself, to store and eat it out of your sight.

He is definitely a saboteur and manipulator and that is unhelpful, cruel and spiteful. Do it your way for yourself.

[Madamum18]

You need his support and understanding. He sounds incapable. Only you know whether he is capable of that or not. And also whether he is capable of listening whilst you try to explain!!

[MadameButterface]

op you do not need to justify yourself by telling us your size etc, you could be one chip butty away from being on a channel 5 documentary about people who don't fit through doors and this behaviour would still be unacceptable. snide comments and then stropping and sulking when called out on them is bullying passive aggressive behaviour.

[kingkuta]

He sounds fucking horrible. And then to turn it on you when you told him how you feel and to still be sulking? Massive fucking bellend. A bully. I'm sorry but I just dont believe someone like this has 'many redeeming qualities'. Someone who loved you wouldnt behave like this. I couldnt even imagine behaving like this with someone I despised. So sad you have to live with shit like this.

[MulticolourMophead]

@loreleigilmore28

For context I'm 5'10 and a size 16 so whilst I want to lose the weight I put on, he makes me feel like a human blimp and I'm not.

Fyi I get absolutely no where blaming baby weight because his mum has 5, yes 5, and has always been a size 8.

Dress size is relative to height. A tall woman, and at your height, you are, is going to wear a bigger size than a shorter woman. If you were size 8, then at your height that will be underweight. It's about proportion.

According to the charts I've just looked at, a healthy weight for your height is between approx 9 and 11.5 stones.

And forget about his mum always being a size 8. It could be genetics, or healthy eating, or even a result of disordered eating. There will be a lot of context around the fact that she's a size 8, so it could very well be baby weight for you.

Having said all this, your DH isn't nice, and the nasty digs are awful. I wouldn't (and didn't in my case) tolerate that. In my case, he's an ex now.

[bemusedmoose]

My abusive ex would do this. Buy donuts and make me eat them (by that I mean yell at me about how rude and ungrateful I am for not want wanting the treat he lovingly bought me and would yell at me til I ate it) then while I was eating it - 'you' re always complaining about your weight - and look at you stuffing your face with donuts' or and that's why you've let yourself go - all this junk. I don't even like bloody donuts and never bought junk. With his lovely manner I ballooned from a 10 to an 18. (I was a 10 when I apparently let myself go).

Your other half is being a complete arse just as my ex was. He is seriously giving you issues with weight, food and mental health with the stupid comments and random giving you food and then belittling you for eating. It's not on. Tell him to pull up his big boy pants and either be a supportive grown up or shut up. You were right to put your foot down and his tantrum wasn't and still isn't OK.

[RandomGirl]

Tell him to do one and eat in a different room to him, at least you might be able to enjoy your food.

[NeutrinoWrangler]

I would explain to him in great detail exactly how his comments are coming across, how awful it makes you feel, how unmotivating it is-- everything. Tell him that you don't find it helpful at all. If anything, he may end up driving you to gain more weight as a result of depression or emotional eating. (Whether that's true or not. If he's trying to "help" you loose weight for selfish reasons, maybe it will hot him where it hurts most. )

And the hard part-- if he's not being supportive anyway, I'd do my best to stop mentioning my weight in his presence at all. Give him no excuse that he's just trying to remind you of your wish to lose weight because he knows it's bothering you.

The instant he makes an unwelcome comment, I'd do whatever You think is likely to get results. A "look", a quiet "Haven't we discussed this?", or simply silently leaving the room (with food in tow, to finish in another room at your leisure).

[ilikefrys]

He sounds like a nasty prick. Sounds like he brought food home just to point out to you that he thinks you're fat.

I gave birth in Dec too op. My husband has never said anything about my weight, other than how grateful he is that I carried his baby. And so should yours. He should be so lucky. Ungrateful prick.

[Epigram]

She did update a few pages ago.

[Cantbelievethiss]

No update from op after the first post?

[thebillmoon]

I am male and I would never behave like this. My wife and I both want to lose weight and fail miserably, but we are not mean to each other about it.
If you were my wife I would be so happy that you had brought two children into this world and you would get the sympathy vote regarding trying to lose weight. I find one only really loses weight when one is happy not when someone is making us unhappy.
Tell him to 'go forth and multiply'. That's: FO for anyone not familiar with the expression.

[kelcys2175]

Ok, so hear me out... you are talking to him about being overweight and how its getting you down. He lives with you so understands how you act/feel. Is this perhaps his way of trying to make you realise where you are going wrong? His way of trying to help you take steps to lose weight? I am not saying the way he is doing it is right but it might hurt your feelings because you know it's a little bit true.

[WiddlinDiddlin]

BarboreJacket...

So, if the OP wants to lose weight, you are saying it IS ok for her DH to be a nasty mocking bully about it?

That does seem to be what you are saying... which is pretty shitty, and wrong.

OP - you do what you want, for you. Tell him to keep his opinions to himself and shove his mocking comments up his arse, or free you of however many stones HE weighs by fucking the fuck off.

[GarlicSoup]

Sounds like the only ‘weight‘ you need to lose is him. LTB

[OhioOhioOhio]

Get rid of him.