Do you look after yourself?

[pooeylouie]

I have a two year old and since becoming a mum, have completely stopped looking after myself. I work full time and I can count on two hands the number of times DS has woken after 5am each morning; despite trying everything have concluded he’s just a naturally early riser. By the time DS is in bed I’m so tired I just stuff myself with crap food, as it’s quick and easy and I’m ready to just chill. I’m 5 stone heavier than my lightest weight, 5 years ago and just feel like I’ve completely lost myself. I wish I cared about myself enough to look after myself and for some reason, even the will to do it for my son isn’t enough!! I even put off having showers as it means I have to look at my body, stretch marks and c section pouch! It’s such a sad state of affairs! Do you all look after yourself and how? Do you enjoy it? Why do you do it? Have you always looked after yourselves?

[Juliet2014]

I’m so sorry OP
Gently gently does it

[TLIMSISNW]

Oh OP I just read about your losses, I’m so sorry to read what you have been through. Sorry that I didn’t mention that in my previous post. You So deserve to feel good about yourself.

[TLIMSISNW]

Yes I do.

I totally relate to what you’re saying though. I had 3 DC under 2 (had twins when DC1 was 1) and was exhausted. I did lose myself a bit.

I was blessed with hands on family and friends and DH is great. He works a lot but I’m only part-time which helped massively I think.

I loathe running but make myself do it for health and also to keep in shape. I get my hair done every 8-10 weeks and I really enjoy that time to just get treated.

I know I’m feeling tired and letting myself go a bit when I stop washing my hair so even when I don’t want to, I make myself and shave my legs, pluck my eyebrows etc. Not because I want anyone to notice particularly but just because I know how much better I feel when I do it.

It will get easier OP, honestly. This too shall pass and, in the meantime, you deserve to feel good about yourself.

[BraveGoldie]

OP, I totally understand the exhaustion and the feeling of not being worth it. And I am so sorry for your losses. Sounds like you do an amazing job of caring for everybody else, and there is nothing left over.

I think a lot of the advice here is good but maybe overwhelming when you are so exhausted and struggling to do even little things for yourself.

Maybe start with one little thing. Something about self care or giving yourself pleasure in a healthy way. Perhaps something that you used to enjoy when you were taking better care of yourself... Your DH sounds really supportive, so maybe you could tell him and he could help make it happen and reassure you that you are worth it! Just notice how it feels....

Second suggestion is to recommend the book Atomic Habits, by James Clear. It talks about the power of tiny changes and how they accumulate, and how to build them into our lives in a way that doesn't take lots of will power and are likely to stick. I found it very empowering and useful, and encouraging in making real change manageable....

Good luck.

[Popc0rn]

I usually take care of myself, but that's gone out the window since lockdown started. I touched my face earlier and shuddered; my skin feels horrible! Usually I cleanse, tone and moisture every evening and enjoy it, but haven't been doing it lately. I've been so stressed at work (nurse) and just haven't had the motivation to do things like that which I usually enjoy, just seems like too much of an effort. I've been forcing myself to go for a walk every day though and always feel better afterwards.

I also usually have a "pamper night" about once a week with a bubble bath with something to watch on the iPad and something nice to drink. Exfoliate, shave, moisturise, do a DIY manicure and pedicure, DIY dermaplane or face mask. Will be making sure I do one tomorrow, and get back into my skin care routine.

[EmeraldShamrock]

@Dinosauratemydaffodils I'm so sorry. With all your strength please try not let the horrible cunt take anymore of your life. ❤

[pooeylouie]

@TheVamoosh not at all don’t worry! I hope we can both start to feel better about ourselves
@Dinosauratemydaffodils there are no words for what you have been through - please don’t hate yourself, it wasn’t your fault.
@flirtygirl this is wise... it’s not vanity but realising my self worth and taking confidence from that - this resonates with me

[TheVamoosh]

I'm so sorry for your losses, I didn't read that bit before I posted my self-pitying rant. Sorry.

[flirtygirl]

Dinosauratemydaffodils
I think you are right about it being a trauma result. I hope you can stop hating yourself.

The worse my marriage got, the less I did for myself. Same pattern since age 13 really when I think about it. I journal and I call it my self sabotage. I literally sabotage myself.

And keep other at bay, it's a protection. I also sleep with the light on.

I'm working to change a lot slowly but surely. I realised the best points in my life were when I felt good about myself and how I looked. It's not vanity but realising my own self worth and taking confidence from that.

[TheVamoosh]

Looks-wise, no I don't. I have a child to homeschool, a baby to breastfeed and a household to look after while DH works all day. I exercise for my mental health and I'm thinner than ever, but this is actually not a good look for me. (It's probably the combination of breastfeeding and stress. I've always been slim but now I'm looking gaunt. I'm not sure how to gain weight in a healthy way though.) My hair looks like brittle, frizzy shit, my skin is grey, I'm wearing breastfeeding-friendly clothes which are just crap. I do the bare minimum - moisturiser, blusher and lipgloss but I still look like shit. I have absolutely no time it energy to do any more than I'm currently doing.

[flirtygirl]

So many people have mentioned weight and weight loss but even if at a heavy enormous weight, you can and should still take care of yourself.

On "my 600lb life" there were a few women who still did their hair and nails even at 600lb and bed bound. Yes they are extreme examples but just because you are fat or bigger than you would like to be, does not mean that you are not worth any time and effort and self care.

Op, dig deep to change your mindset as you will feel better and then will find it easier to keep on doing it for yourself.

Find one thing you want to do and do it.
Like anything the first time is the worst but it gets better and easier.

Make a plan and even if you only stick to 10% of it, then that's an achievement as it is 10% more than before.

I know it's hard as I suffer from depression and ocd (also have an asd daughter who stopped sleeping at age 2 and is now 21, my second daughter didn't sleep till she was 4 and is still rubbish at age 10, 11 in 2 weeks but is affected by her sister) but the first things I do when able is self care as I know it is worth it and helps me in the longterm.

This week I only painted my toenails and stuck to my nighttime skincare routine. That ok and thats my achievement.

I'm also trying to make better food choices but hey ho that is a lifetime thing. I will not diet as no point, I will only make healthy changes that I will keep on doing for the rest of my life.

I hope you find your way through this op.

[Dinosauratemydaffodils]

Sorry for your losses OP. I think it's a common trauma response. I don't take care of myself. I was raped and it all went down hill from there. I think I wanted to be fat and ugly so that would never happen again. I can't stand being touched by strangers. Haven't had my hair cut professionally in 20 years. My kids are bad sleepers and I can only sleep with a light on so I don't think I get enough sleep. I don't eat properly, half the time I don't eat and the other half I eat junk.

I'm trying to turn things around but it's a very uphill battle. Bottom line, I hate myself.

[Blossom513]

I realised recently that I don't have a problem with doing jobs like cleaning when my DS is playing happy on his own but if I was to do something for me (like go on my exercise bike) I would feel guilty like I should be focussing on him instead. I'm a solo mum and there is no dad so the last few months have been literally just me, no nursery or grandparents. He's stopped napping so generally most things need to be done whilst he is awake, I can't leave everything until 8pm. So I struggle with priorities and routine.

I am trying to start with the basics though.. sleep is such a vital function so that has to be the main priority, getting enough sleep. I'm not sure why I'm still on Mumsnet as really I should be asleep by now. If I get enough sleep then I feel more motivated to exercise (and exercise gives you more energy) so double win. Then I will feel more able to control my eating... I think they have a bit of a snowball effect so I definitely need to start with sleep after 3 years of sleep deprivation (toddler sleep has only recently improved since the naps stopped but takes some time to resolve sleep debt).

[DishingOutDone]

I think I used to do stuff before the DCs but since then, no never and they are now late teens and my health and appearance is shocking, I am really worried. I cant believe how it got this far before I realised!

[EmeraldShamrock]

@pooeylouie Good luck with everything go to your GP try AD ignore the stigma they'll help you get on your feet, try to focus on the positive the cute 2 y.o your body carried. I can't imagine how hard it is, you sound like a lovely person I hope you find peace.

[pooeylouie]

@EmeraldShamrock thank you so much you could be right on the blame I never thought of that. X

[pooeylouie]

@Mangofandangoo yes quite a few things, have some hobbies, like the occasional bubble bath and whipping on a podcast. It’s just finding the strength to do those positive things over collapsing on the sofa with a bag of jam donuts. A walk alone with headphones sounds good- I must try that actually!

[EmeraldShamrock]

Above all the personal care OP give yourself a hug from within, you've been through so much heartache subconsciously you're most likely blaming your body on the death of your beautiful babies, I am sorry for your loss.
You've a little one now who loves you so much see yourself through their eyes. Good luck be kind to yourself.

[Lollypop4]

I have 4DC, but after 2nd , Ive not taken care of myself at all.
I do no physical activity, Im lathargic, I dont drink enough water, I go to bed v.late, up early -max 6hrs sleep...
I do eat quite well though-Fruit, veg, home made food, but do like wine and cake!!
I need to change

[pooeylouie]

@3LittleMonkeyz yes defo.... good point I don’t prioritise myself at all. Not in a passive aggressive victim way, just genuinely think ima pile of crap on the floor kind of way!

[Mangofandangoo]

Exercise really helps me. A long walk outside with headphones in does the trick if I'm feeling particularly shitty.

Is there's anything you really enjoy doing? Something that makes you feel like you?

[pooeylouie]

Molocosh- could have written that myself. it sucks.
Mango- yes I have a fantastic OH and I get the time, he makes sure of that. I just for some reason... don’t know, never feel I’m worth doing positive things for. Someone earlier mentioned depression and yes I’ve suffered with depression for years and have taken anti Ds daily for years. Maybe I need to up my dose!!

[3LittleMonkeyz]

@pooeylouie

If your house and family are pristine and your not you are not prioritising yourself. Better a messy house and happy mum. Obviously not living in a pig sty, but there is a happy mid place

[chubbyhotchoc]

I struggle with my weight but normally manage to keep my bmi just in the healthy range ( pregnant at the moment hence the name). I always do my hair and put makeup on everyday. Pre lockdown I had my colour done regularly, extensions and lashes. I do it mainly because I'm not very attractive without help and I wouldn't want people, particularly my husband, to see me in my natural state. I want my husband to find me pretty if I'm honest.