Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3

AIBU?

To ask you to help me unpick why my son struggles socially at school?

75 replies

OhioOhioOhio · 25/05/2020 23:37

I can't figure out what they mean when they tell me this. He's 8. He is very social when out and about with me and his younger siblings. I've asked if they arw trying to tell me that he's a bully and they say no. Apparently if you have to choose a partner he doesn't really respond. He's not asd. He might have traits of add but not enough to do anything formal about it. I'm a single parent. He father is an abusive piece of work. I have a kind family we usually see a lot of. Also I'm a teacher. I can't see what they mean.

OP posts:

Report

converseandjeans · 26/05/2020 06:15

Sometimes it's just their personality. DD is very awkward socially & doesn't fit in really with what other 12 yo girls want to do. We weren't usually included in the clique at primary either and it's horrible.

DS is very sociable and has loads of friends. He's definitely in the clique.

DD has suffered no trauma it's just how she is and however hard I have tried to get her involved with things it's never really worked.

So I don't think it's necessarily their father's fault. However you say he's cruel (I assume verbally and emotionally?) That must be damaging for them. Please try to minimise contact. I can't think why your ex wants to see them if he's not kind to them?

OhioOhioOhio · 26/05/2020 06:20

Eggybead

What's that supposed to mean?

OP posts:

OhioOhioOhio · 26/05/2020 06:23

As a disclaimer, I am a teacher witj a very good reputation. I was wondering if anyone could help me unpick what my son was experiencing to help him. I am not trying to offend anyone or seek validation of my own professional worth. I left my marriage because my xh treated me like shit. He excels in his ability to deceive and successfully does so within the court duping everyone. I, of course, recognise this affects my kids but want more information.

OP posts:

Frangipaniflower · 26/05/2020 06:55

Ohio she is trying to tell you that the word is clique and not click whilst questioning if you really are a teacher as you didnt know how to spell it (by the way I am not questioning it, just explaining the comment). I think your child teachers need to help a bit more rather than just pointing out the negatives, ask the deputy head for help?

lifestooshort123 · 26/05/2020 07:02

Wow, the mean girls are out aren't they? You sound a lovely mum and if your son isn't bothered then I'd let it ride.

Spinakker · 26/05/2020 07:29

Ignore any mean comments, just keep doing the best for your son. I don't know why people have to comment if they are going to be rude and unhelpful.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/05/2020 07:36

Definitely some people from school cliques on this thread.

AnneOfTeenFables · 26/05/2020 07:39

Does he have friends at school?
If it's a cliquey year group then that can affect the dynamic in class. If this is the first teacher to mention it then I'd ask them what they think has changed eg have they split up friendship groups.
When my DC moved to a new class, the teacher said something similar. It just took him a while to find new friends. He also doesn't really like 'working' in groups although he loves playing in them.

OhioOhioOhio · 26/05/2020 07:40

Thank you. I speak to the ht regularly. Also, 'click' rather than 'clique' is used locally. Thank you. Yeah, i can't protect my kids from their father more than I have tried. The courts don't have the power to over rule the invisible cruelty of nasty oppresive behaviour. I have tried. The police can't do anything either. I can see what the school is saying I just suppose I feel a bit helpless.

OP posts:

GreyishDays · 26/05/2020 07:42

The link works ok to me.

I went through ‘The unwritten rules of friendship’ with my daughter. But I knew what the issues were. I think you need more detail from the teacher.

GreyishDays · 26/05/2020 07:43

*for me

Callimanco · 26/05/2020 07:53

Op if you want to learn more about attachment and trauma, read "why love matters" (Sue Gerhart, which I might be spelling wrong) and "inside I'm hurting" by Louise Bombier.

images.app.goo.gl/4T16Mukb7M1ttYjg7
Aces.

On what grounds are you sure he isn't autistic? Not a challenge- just information seeking!

TeenPlusTwenties · 26/05/2020 07:59

Both my DDs struggled socially at school, for different reasons.

DD1: Outwardly friendly, confident, sociable. BUT, it turns out she has processing difficulties which means she can't keep up with the flow of conversation, so when you go below superficial level, in a group she seems 'out of sync'. Also she isn't good at pair work as she doesn't see things easily from another point of view, and isn't good at the back and forth of compromise.

DD2: Kind, friendly, but 'young for her age' and not socially confident. Overlooked by most children, not disliked, but not in people's top 8 for parties etc. An easy target for mean girls clever comments as she isn't quick enough to spot the wind ups or respond to the mean comments.

With you DS I'd have a chat and a think.

how does he feel he gets on? (DD1 was oblivious at that age)
does he know what to do/say
does he have more niche interests
are there any kids he'd like to get to know better that you could invite round
any SpLD
does the school have an ELSA or social skills groups he could attend

ScrapThatThen · 26/05/2020 08:07

It sounds as though his relationship with his father is affecting his attachment style. I'm sorry he (and you) have had to live that. It won't get better if he is still 'in' that relationship - but I am sorry because that is shit for him, and you, and I know the courts won't do anything. Be open with the school about the environment with his father and ask the school for monthly 'team around the child' or similar meetings to improve his outcomes, as they have flagged these issues.

crimsonlake · 26/05/2020 08:12

Firstly children behave / react very differently in school to their home environment. I agree you need more examples. I hardly think 'finding it difficult to choose someone to partner up with ' is a good example. I am a teacher and yes some children flounder when suggesting this, which is hardly unusual. I would be more interested in what happens in the school yard during playtimes and is he part of a group.

Doveyouknow · 26/05/2020 08:16

My ds really struggles with friendships at school (and has a diagnosis of asd). At home with his siblings and cousins, he is sociable and plays really well. So it may be your son can’t translate the skills he has at home to a busier, more stressful environment.

OhioOhioOhio · 26/05/2020 08:18

Honestly I do find it like pulling teeth to find out information at school. I know he day dreams a lot but it took my bloody ages to find out. At the start of this lock down I'd have really expected to be putting him forward for an add diagnosis. However with gentle 'training' he's much more on task and when in the mood can work very hard. I don't think he's asd because he can manage socially everywhere else. I don't know, I've taught lots of kids with specific needs. I just don't see the same 'need'. But like I said, I'm his mum, I know that makes it harder to see. Also, why would anyone pretend they were a teacher? Ffs.

OP posts:

LiveintheNow · 26/05/2020 08:19

It sounds like being asked to choose a partner triggers anxiety (doesn't want to be mean to anyone?) perhaps he freezes as his stress response?

TheListeners · 26/05/2020 08:33

I wouldn't discount ASD. My son's social difficulties became much more apparent the older he got. These days he really struggles to talk to people who aren't family. He can socialise with some children but only alongside his brother and sister - and often he's actually playing with them not the other children. If a friend of mine popped round to chat with me, DS would talk to them if I was there but if the same friend bumped into DS when he was alone he would ignore them. So I recognise the pattern of a child appearing to be sociable in the family but really struggling elsewhere. You don't get to see the child the school sees.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 26/05/2020 08:39

Re the clique/click thing - a lot of people DO use the word click nowadays. I’d say it’s a regular dialect word. In fact, it’s so much in use where I live, I’d be scared to say clique to people I didn’t know well in case I came across as pretentious 😆

Mistlewoeandwhine · 26/05/2020 08:41

Ohio: have a meeting with his teacher and work on a plan together ie these are problems and, for each one, plan a practical solution that you can rehearse with your child. And what about a buddy system - could the teacher pair up your son with a nice boy?

copperoliver · 26/05/2020 08:45

Maybe he just doesn't like being with such a crowd of people and mixing with all the strangers,
I only have 3 friends from school whom I still see they were the only good friends I had at school.
I have two other friends I see at work.
I don't want to have loads of friends a few is enough and my family.
My sister calls me antisocial but I like things as they are.
To be honest I'd find it annoying having a large social group. X

RitzSpy · 26/05/2020 08:54

Maybe looks for books on Therapeutic Parenting to find ways to deal with the trauma. Something by Sarah Naish perthaps?

taraRoo · 26/05/2020 08:56

Hi I just thought I'd chip in.. I was terribly shy at school and acted like your son. Do you know what, I grew out of it. I don't have autism or any other special needs. I was just shy. I would recommend that the teacher do more to help your son fit in though. Maybe she can nudge him in the right way or encourage him to join a club or activity. I desperately wanted to be part of the crowd at school but I just didn't know what to do. Kids often grab onto this and can ignore the shy ones because they are 'odd'.

By the time I got to secondary school I was fine.

ScurrilousSquirrel · 26/05/2020 08:56

Google "power threat meaning framework". It might help you reframe how you think about your son's difficulties. It also gives you a starting point for talking to him about it.

Social withdrawal can be a learned response to trauma. What has he said when you asked him about it?

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.