AIBU to ditch my friend...

[Carrie7469]

... Or at least tell her to stop this?

I've got a friend who texts me every single night before she goes to bed to say "good night". That's it, she never puts anything else. It's driving me mad and I never reply, but she's been doing it for weeks.
She's very sensitive and struggles with anxiety. She's also been sectioned in the past.
I don't want to be unkind but I just want her to stop doing this
Should I ask her to stop? Honestly, it's driving me mad

[Carrie7469]

I just feel responsible for her because she suffers with her mental health and has difficulty coping with day to day life. She doesn't have many people to turn to. I've always been there for her (visiting her regularly when she was sectioned, taking her to hospital appointments, buying her clothes, toiletries etc when she was sectioned, sending her cards/little gifts to cheer her up). I'm very happy to do all of this as I want to support her.
I think the "good night" texts are getting to me because it's the end of the day when I've finished work, finished doing all the chores and taking care of other people and it's the one time (late at night) that I can start to relax and unwind and have a little time to myself, but that time is then interrupted. I don't know if I'm being selfish

[coffeeandjuice]

I don't think I would like it because I associate it with something romantic partners do. And I wouldn't want the responsibility that comes with been someone's romantic partner.

I'd also not like the phone beeping l with a seemingly unnecessary message when I'm worried i might get bad news about current situation.

But then, I'm not sure I'd say anything either if she needs that sense of connection with someone.

Actually, I'd start texting her "goodnight"first, then she'll reply back straight away so I'm not then waiting for the message so I can go to sleep.

[coffeeandjuice]

I don't think you're been selfish.

[coffeeandjuice]

Being

[Spied]

I'd tell her you are a bit on edge when you get a text late at night due to the current situation you are in so please could she not send it (say it in a bit of a light-hearted way if you can)

[Babypug]

Let them come through as they're causing no harm. Also if anything were to happen to her you'd know if you didn't receive a text one night. Use it as a check in each day 💗

[CuriousPixie]

Whilst I agree it's a little thing and given your friend's past history, yes it's probably something to put up with or mute. But that doesn't stop it happening though and I think the issue here is, and I can totally get it, you are in your recharge time and you know that her text will be coming in, almost like a Pavlovian reaction, you can't relax until it does but you resent that it has to in the first place. And possibly subconsciously you're wired to be on alert just now because of the ill family member so the text triggers a response in you.

I've been in a similar situation though my friend was more smothering and I had to eventually tell her to back off. Hard as it was to say, it must've been a thousand times harder to hear and I feel bad about that, but she wasn't respecting my boundaries.

Perhaps you could be quite casual about it and say that you need recharge time so only have phone switched to receive certain calls after a certain time in the evening in case she was wondering why you don't reply - at the very least it might allow a platform to discuss the situation in a friendly and open way. Modern ways of communication mean folk's expectations can be 24/7 but if she doesn't understand where your boundaries are then it has to be made clearer in the gentlest possible way. It's not like you don't communicate with her at all.

Like folk say, it's a very small thing, but it's still a thing (straws and camels n all that). Also you can't pour from an empty cup. Sounds like you've been doing lots and lots to help but you need some time out from that which includes a late night text.

[TheStoic]

I guess you could tell her not to do it anymore? Or just mute it, seeing as you don’t respond anyway and clearly she doesn’t expect you to.

[roarfeckingroar]

It sounds very annoying

[Wauden]

I don't think that you are being selfish and you have done a lot for her.
What CuriousPixie said seems spot on, to me.
Good luck, it's tough.

[ChristmasFluff]

This really doesn't have to be a big deal or a big conversation - she's probably saying 'goodnight' to see if you are up and open to talking. so good thing you haven't replied. I think she might be sending group text to multiple people for that reason - to talk to whoever does reply and not 'disturb' those who don't.

Use your phone functionality to set up favourites and 'do not disturb' for the rest, and then enjoy the peace.

Next morning, if you see her 'goodnight' message, reply with 'good morning' if you are up to talking, and she will be happy with the acknowledgement and it's a win/win.