Letting children see there dad?

[Dljen]

Hello,I am currently 28 weeks pregnant and have 2 children from a previous relationship.We had a good routine before covid 19 and they would spend a few nights with there dad a week.I have kept them with me for the last 2 months due to everything going on and a fear of them catching it and also worried about me and the baby. He works in public transport so is still going out most days.He has asked to start seeing them again and after giving him a long list of social distancing rules I have agreed.Im just so unsure if im doing the right thing? I don't want to keep them apart but I'm scared they will catch something and become very unwell. What are other people doing in this situation? Thanks

[orangeicecream]

My kids have seen their dad each weekend for a hours walk. Seemed like the best compromise and he's fine with that. Not sure when they'll start going back to his house again.

[TheClitterati]

As my children's dad has been working from
Home they have been spending every other week (instead of every other weekend) with him.

This has been a huge boost to all of our lockdown experiences. Plus a great opportunity for dc to spend more time with their dad. We travel on trains for drop off which are invariably empty. It's unusual not to have a carriage to ourselves.

[Bubblebee7]

I would let your children go, I can understand your worry as your pregnant. We are in this for the long haul so realistically you might as well let the kids see their dad and it will give you some time to yourself too. There’s a lot of threads on this at the moment. Some people have no choice but to let their kids go as it’s how they get to work like myself and my job is very high risk but I have no other option.

[GreytExpectations]

I agree with other posters. It's very unfair of you to have kept them away from their dad for 2 months. You say it was mutual but considering you have also said you gave him a long list of social distancing rules (have you also been following this list for your own kids? I'm guessing the answer is now so it's ridiculous that he has to) you probably swayed his opinion. You need to seriously consider and remember that he is their father OP. They are not just you children, even though you will likly get a lot of posters suggesting otherwise.

[GreytExpectations]

She's perfectly right to be worried, I would be too. Stop dramatising and being so fucking horrible to people.

So why doesnt THEIR dad get a say in their safety? Why does he have to ask permission to see his own kids after 2 months? Op, said they had a good agreement beforehand so doesn't seem fair to me that OP likly pushed to keep them apart. You sound like one of those posters that think dads' don't get a say in parenting decisions

[aliceinsunderland44]

@GreytExpectations no I'm the sort of person who believes the health and well-being of a child trumps the parents wants and needs when there's a global pandemic going on. If you are working in a high risk job then it's completely sensible to forgo contact for a while in order to protect the children. There are other ways to keep in touch. My dc have seen their dad throughout all of this because he is working from home but had he been going into work as normal he said himself he wouldn't feel comfortable with the risk to the children. It's called being responsible.

She has clearly said they came to mutual agreement and have now re-evaluated it. So what exactly has she done wrong? People just love to criticise.

[heartsonacake]

Just to clarify it was a mutual agreement 2 begin with and this is the first time he has asked to see the children.I havnt stopped contact and have given both children a phone so they can msg and face time most days.

Of course you’ve stopped contact, you won’t let him have his kids.

You say “mutual agreement” but I’m willing to bet you suggested it and he agreed as he felt he had no choice but to.

You’re allowed to be worried, but you’re letting that interfere in your children’s well-being and you’re not putting them first. Your anxiety is ruling you to your children’s detriment and that’s a poor message to send to them.

[GreytExpectations]

no I'm the sort of person who believes the health and well-being of a child trumps the parents wants and needs when there's a global pandemic going on. If you are working in a high risk job then it's completely sensible to forgo contact for a while in order to protect the children

@aliceinsunderland44 so why don't you believe their father cares about their health and wellbeing, how do you know he isn't taken the appropriate precautions at work? What would you suggest if the OP was still with him, that he go and live in a hotel? If it was unsafe for children to see their dad's who still worked then the government would have not allowed it, they have allowed it therefore there shouldn't be a reason to keep them from their dad. Just one more question for you, if the OP was out working a "high risk" or front line job, would you suggest her kids be temporarily removed from her care and placed with their dad? I doubt the agreement was truly mutual.

[millymollymoomoo]

What are the long list of social distancing rules you’ve given him ???

[aliceinsunderland44]

@GreytExpectations there are plenty of front line workers who have moved out of their homes during this in order to protect their families. It's sadly not unusual at all.

I'm not saying the father doesn't care. If he's agreed not to see them due to the nature of his job then he obviously does recognise the risks and is wanting to take precautions. Why are people continuing to assume and suggest that the op has forced this when she's clearly said they came to a mutual decision that he obviously agreed with.

Every family has different circumstances and living/working arrangements. At the very beginning the government said no mixing between households. They quickly realised that this wouldn't work for separated families and changed the guidance. But I definitely believe they wanted the public to make sensible and informed choices based on their individual living and working arrangements to minimise the risk as much as possible. That's what they have done.

Why the need for all the vitriol aimed at the op? Now that they have changed their arrangement she is understandably anxious but is happy for contact to go ahead. What exactly has she done wrong?

[Frozenfan2019]

Why the need for all the vitriol aimed at the op?

Because her children haven't seen their dad for 2 months and she's even considering not sending them now. This would emotionally affect my children, I reckon they would look back on this and feel angry with me for allowing it.

[aliceinsunderland44]

@Frozenfan2019 have you read the post? She hasn't stopped it. Her ex agreed. It was a mutual decision made for the benefit of the children. Why is it all her fault just because she's the one the kids happen to be with?

[Snuggles81]

Op, I'm not sure if this is doable for your situation but with my step son, we have changed when we have him, so rather than every weekend and a couple of nights a week, we do it in two week blocks, stays with his mums for two weeks then ours for two weeks.
I'm still working in a school in a rota and at the start DH was still working (now furloughed).
This is has worked well for us.

[Snuggles81]

*That should read every other weekend

[GreytExpectations]

Why the need for all the vitriol aimed at the op?

Ive not said any vitriol at op. I suggested it was wrong to keep them and also suggested that the decision is unlikely to have been mutual. I don't think that's a particularly harsh thing to say. I do find it interesting how you are so adament that the OP didn't sway or push him into this, based on how she is being now.

[Scarlettpixie]

My son who is 13 has seen his Dad I think 3 times during lockdown for a socially distanced visit in our garden.

We agreed he would (mostly) stay away at the start to keep us all safe. My ex and his gf are both vulnerable though not shielding and ex visits DS here under normal circumstances. DS has not been to ex’s house yet and lives with me full time. With this in mind, I am worried about ending up ill or in hospital myself as this would cause greater disruption and worry to DS.

I think people are being unfair to the OP. I don’t blame her or her son’s Dad for coming to the arrangement they did given he works in public transport. Keeping everyone as safe as possible is surely the most important thing. I also think given restrictions are being lifted a little, making sensible arrangements is fair.

There were lots of families staying apart for various reasons at the start of lockdown so I don’t understand the horror expressed by some now. DS has phoned and text his dad and they have played xbox together online. DS has actually enjoyed interacting with his dad this way as they are both making more effort to talk (although I think ex isn’t phoning often enough but still). DS seems happy and entirely unconcerned about the lack of real life contact.

[ghostmous3]

I've kept my dc see thier dad. Admittedly I kept them away for the first 4 weeks of lock down mainly because we were self isolating and we all had covid symptoms and he is a key worker.

He also loves in a shared house and his housemate has 2 children who come and stay with him also when mine are there

I really wrestled with this to be honest but decided the risk was the same as if he lived with a dp who had children from a previous relationship so I let them go there. He has a right to see his kids are the end of the day

We are playing cautious however

[Parmavioletmum]

Wow! The op is truly being attacked here for no just reason! Of course she has right to be concerned given her being in a vulnerable category and her ex being in an extremely customer centric role. Even taking her own risk out of it, the children are also at risk. Yes it sucks being away from your children, we aren't seeing our dsd either because of the exact reasons. Both myself and partner are in the vulnerable categories and their household have got customer/ people facing roles (supermarket and carer) and we all agreed for everyone's safety it wasn't worth the risks. If the op and ex are happy to not take the chance and the kids can facetime etc who are we to judge that. Better than risking the worst happening to one of them and living with the regret. Co parents on here can't do right for doing wrong.

[Parmavioletmum]

Not that I'm judging anyone who is still going ahead with contact either. Just saying she doesn't need to be attacked for legitimate concerns in an already horrible situation.