To not understand why some people instantly make negative comments?

[pleasenomorechocolates]

...When you share some news/a life update?

It’s not necessarily overtly nasty comments, they’re ‘jokey’ negative ones. For example, when telling friends that DS has secured a (great) job in a particular line of work ‘god, is he mad?!’ or ‘well, he’s got his work cut out!’ rather than a simple ‘that’s great news’?
When telling people you’re pregnant, you receive replies like ‘well I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into!’ and ‘it’s not easy you know!’ rather than ‘congratulations.’
Even smaller things like saying you’re going on holiday to a certain place, you get someone who says ‘god you wouldn’t catch me going there.’

And these usually come from people who are, on the whole, friendly and nice... If they can’t think of anything to say why don’t people just give a simple ‘that’s fantastic!’ rather than instantly saying something negative?

[Fifteensunflowers]

My husband’s SIL (his brother’s wife) is like this. She’s extremely jealous and competitive and it’s her way of trying to put down any of my positive news.

When we announced we were moving in together, there was no congratulations. Instead, she made comment about how loads of couples break up once they move into together

When we got engaged, once again no congratulations. Her words were “do you realise how expensive weddings are to plan?” in a very sneery tone.

Whenever we sorted anything for the wedding and she heard about it, she was negative. “My friend had a photo booth and she said no one really used it.” “I went to a wedding with a naked cake and it looked boring”.

And as you can imagine, when I announced I was pregnant, she had nothing but negative words to say.

Funny though, when my in laws have any good news, she completely licks their arses. So it seems her negativity is selective

[LockdownLump]

I am totally with you OP. I can't bear it. Me and DD were actually having this discussion before. I mean, I'm no happy clappy everything is awesome type, but there are people who will comment on EVERYTHING in a negative way. There is actually a thread on the relationships board where a woman is saying her husband is negative about EVERYTHING. Even people jogging ffs - and if she doesn't agree with him or tries to give an opposing view, he accuses her of criticising him.

It's life sucking/fun sponge shit and I just can't deal with it atm.

Anyone who's glass is half empty - just no thank you.

[TheIncredibleBookEatingManchot]

My mum is like that.

Years ago when I was a newly single SAHP of a one year old I won a writing competition. It was only a little local thing, but I was excited and proud of myself. My mum's reaction was just a sneery "Well, you've got time to write, you've got nothing else to do all day." No congratulations or well done. And how in earth did she think I had nothing to do all day when I was looking after a one year old baby?

[WalnutHouse]

Totally know what you mean! Been dealing with this atm. I'm 26 weeks pregnant and my sister who has a 22 month old has constantly made negative comments to me ever since I announced my pregnancy. Like if her DS is playing up she'll say things like 'sure you want to do this?!', 'sure you'll be able to cope with this?!' or 'you won't be able to do this or that when she comes along'. I put it down to jealousy for as long as I could, she was the first to have a baby and maybe felt a bit threatened. Although recently it did start getting too much to take and so I very politely and calmly spoke to her about the comments, said I was finding them hard to keep constantly taking. She found this very upsetting and has decided not to speak to me anymore! 🤷

[anotherlittlechicken]

@lyingwanker

OMG yes it IS childish. It's like they think males are superior to females, and therefore, us females cannot POSSIBLY have a good idea/an idea that's better than what THEY can come up with!!!

I have even thought of ideas before, and pretended that I heard a MAN suggest it on TV/in a shop I went in, so he won't think it's ME, a mere female who thought of it.

Pathetic and annoying, but inbred in many men to think women aren't as clever/smart as them. And God forbid you think of a really good idea, or do something without consulting them.

I have said (in the past,) 'I'm gonna go tidy the shed a bit, and sort the recyclables.' EVERY SINGLE TIME, DH says 'no, come and sit down, relax, do it tomorrow!'

I have started saying 'umm I am informing you of what I'm doing, I am NOT asking your permission or your opinion.' He just looks startled. I never used to say anything, but this past 10 years or so, he keeps getting the sharp end of my tongue, and is coming out with less and less shit where he tells me what to do/what NOT to do/what's best for me!

Seriously though, I am SICK of him thinking he can/should tell me what to do. So, I usually just do stuff now, and don't tell him. Mainly because I don't need his permission or approval, OR his praise.

[lyingwanker]

@anotherlittlechicken yes!!! This is my husband too. It's so childish isn't it? He refuses to put up a light fitting I bought because I dared to choose it without consulting him!

[anotherlittlechicken]

@lyingwanker

In my husbands case it's usually due to a lack of control. For example, if I've done a small DIY job or moved some stuff around in the house he will NEVER respond positively, because it wasn't his idea. Or if I ask whether he enjoyed a new recipe for tea he will only ever say "it was ok but too much salt/sauce/etc etc"

My DH has a tendency to be like this. If I take it upon myself to do ANYthing, (without mentioning it to him/consulting him,) like doing something in the garden, or moving the furniture around in the dining room, or if I re-arrange the ornaments in the lounge, or put a couple of new plants in the kitchen, he NEVER has a good thing to say about it.

As you say, it's because it wasn't HIS idea. I don't know if he feels 'emasculated' somehow, or irritated because I (the obviously inferior female,) had an idea and didn't consult the master of the house to see if it was OK to do it...

I actually made a bloody good job of a tree that needed trimming and cutting down in size by half the other week; it took me 6 hours of hard work and sweat and toil. It looked GREAT and much neater... He saw it and said 'what the FUCK have you done to the tree? Butchered it in a drunken rage?'

I said, 'it needed doing, and I did it and it looks nice.' He shook his head and tutted. I said 'ya know what, I don't give a FUCK what you think! I KNOW it looks good, and I don't need your permission to do it, or your approval on the results. SO go fuck yourself.'

He gasped and said 'OK dear calm down! We can't all think the same, and just because YOU think you've done an amazing job, that doesn't mean I need to think you have.' I ignored him and went into the house.

The next day, one of our (male) neighbours said to my DH 'done a nice job on that tree mate. Looks much better.' 'Oh' said DH. 'Thanks mate!' I flew out of the house and said 'actually Steve it was ME who did that, and 'him indoors' here wasn't impressed with my work!' The neighbour said 'it looks smashing love.'

Cue a very red faced husband. Cheeky bastard. Not only slagging off my work, but then trying to take credit for it. Cunt.

[anotherlittlechicken]

I have had this many times too, and I echo the posters saying the people who are negative like this are either A) Jealous and bitter. B) Unhappy and miserable and want you to feel as shit as they do. C) Wanting to present themselves as cool and more clever than you.

I say the last one (C) because IME people who are negative Nancies seem to be under the impression that they are smarter than you/better than you, and more cool and laid-back.

When I was getting married (in the 1990s) I told the 6 women I work with; only 2 of them said woo hoo congratulations.' The other 4 (all women) said 'what the fuck for?' with a kind of look. I said 'umm because I love him.'

They were so negative, and derogatory and rude, and basically mocked me and took the piss. Unsurprisingly all 4 were single or divorced. I don't mean to be bitchy about single/divorced people, and I know many are happy with their single or divorced status, but these 4 woman were horrible to me, so I can only surmise that they were unhappy, and jealous of me.

Then when I said I was expecting a baby, I got nasty comments ranging from 'your life is over now,' 'why the fuck did you do something so stupid?' and 'LOL I can't wait to see YOU with a baby.' I even got one woman saying 'I thought you were pregnant, as I noticed you're getting fat. I was 6 weeks gone, and my weight was the same as it had been for 10 years or more!

I also got one colleague saying 'I knew you'd be pregnant next! Couldn't stand the attention Mandy got eh?' 'Mandy' had a baby 3 years earlier, and left the year before! Even several members of my extended family slagged me off and said 'YOU with a baby haha' and 'WTF are you thinking? Babies are hard work ya know! You can't palm them off on your mother when you feel like it.' (I wasn't planning on doing that anyway, and I never DID do it!!!)

Also, I had a couple of people put me down when I said we were moving to a little village ('WTF for? Village folk are horrible. Judgy and cliquey!' And 'LOL, YOU in a little village ha ha!') FYI, the people here are lovely, and we love it here.

But yeah, although most people have been perfectly nice over the years, a few of them have been rude, derogatory, and spiteful. And yep, I believe (in most cases,) it's jealousy, and anger that we have what they don't have, and can't get.''

[lyingwanker]

My mum was like this and so is my husband.

In my mums case it was due to depression and just a general miserable and negative personality my whole life. I remember I once got 98% in a maths year 6 SATS paper when I was in year 4, her response was "well what happened to the 2%"!!! That was the start of me thinking "fuck it, what's the point in trying so hard?"

In my husbands case it's usually due to a lack of control. For example, if I've done a small DIY job or moved some stuff around in the house he will NEVER respond positively, because it wasn't his idea. Or if I ask whether he enjoyed a new recipe for tea he will only ever say "it was ok but too much salt/sauce/etc etc" but then will ask for said meal repeatedly again!

[MondeoFan]

Yep I've encountered this, when pregnant, when starting a new job, when announcing I'm off to Florida, even when I've said what I'm having for dinner that night

[Misandei]

Then there are the people who you dare not share what you plan to do or your ambitions with. They are ten times worse than the ones OP is talking about because they kill your dreams before it’s even started.
Do not share any good news/plans with them.

[The80sweregreat]

However, I am a bit meh about people that are too enthusiastic about things and are way over the top with their positive / cup half full outlooks!
I've known a few of these types I can't relate as I'm too busy thinking of the bad things that could go wrong! The most positive thing about me sometimes is my blood group which is positive! Makes me laugh!
I've learnt to keep quiet though as I know being too negative can be a drain and not fair if someone needs a boost.

[PettyContractor]

I wonder if people have an instinctive response to evaluate change for risks.

[DuckonaBike]

My parents are a bit like this - anything they tell you about, even something nice like a holiday or a day out, they always want to focus on the negatives or anything (however small) that went wrong. I think it's a mixture of habit, general pessimism, and perhaps wanting to look cleverer than someone who's always enthusiastic.

I retaliate by being relentlessly upbeat about things.

[The80sweregreat]

I know a lot of negative people and although I'm like it myself I rarely say it out loud or try to be positive!
I do wait for the negative comments : I must know a lot of unhappy / jealous whatever people I suppose! It seems rife where I work.

[Rainydayss]

I can really relate to this and posted a similar thread today as when DP does something nice (buy flowers) other people assume its for an ulterior motive or make sarky comments. I think jealousy is definitely part of it but yes there are a lot of negative people about, why cant people just to happy for others?

[The80sweregreat]

My parents and my inlaws are pessimistic; the negativity has rubbed off as I tend to be the same too I'm afraid( but mostly just think it rather than say it to be fair)
If I want to do anything, I can usually find lots of reasons not to as well but then I'm smug when I'm right and it doesn't go according to plan , just as I predicted in my own head! You tend to be more negative as you get older I think and doing anything takes longer to achieve ( or just exhausting thinking about it)

[P1nkHeartLovesCake]

Someone said to me once that negative, nasty people are hiding the fact they are a deeply unhappy person inside. I think they were right tbh

[CSIblonde]

My DM was just like that. She was very unhappy . It was her default.I started jokily calling her on it, saying Debbie Downer strikes again, as I knew a serious conversation would only lead to denial & tantrums. Humour is the best tactic, you feel empowered while they can't go into victim or aggression mode or they look like they can't take a joke. It also doesn't 'reward' the dig with a hurt reaction which is what subconsciously, they're looking for.

[NaviSprite]

I hear you OP my Gran was like this a lot (still is) - she and my Grandfather raised me but he died before I did my GCSE’s. Nobody in our family up until that point had passed more than three subjects and I got mostly A’s and B’s. I was so proud of myself and handed her the results only for her to glance at them, state that I’d failed maths (I’m dyslexic and have severe issues with numeracy but no mention of my A’s in English!) and then she went to put them in a draw with loads of other paperwork. I demanded them back from her and never mentioned it again. I don’t know why it happens, I think it’s from people who want to ‘bring people back down to Earth’ when really they’re just using it as an excuse to be a misery guts.

Since that day (as much of a cynic as I am at heart) I do my best to go with positivity when hearing good news from others.

[allthedamnvampires]

I think folk equate positivity with stupidity, so they say negative things as it makes them sound cleverer and wiser.

Those folk are wrong!

[Really123456]

@NewYearNewJobNewHome. ME TO!!!!!!!! OMG ME TO!!!! Bastard jealous twats

@pleasenomorechocolates could be their evil demons of devil's spawn 😉😉😉

[MummySharn]

This annoys me! My ex MIL was like this, when I told her I was pregnant with DC2 she just replied “why?”. I’m glad I don’t have anything to do with her anymore

[pleasenomorechocolates]

That’s it codenameduchess, I don’t understand what would possess somebody to say anything other than ‘congratulations’ even if it’s not what you’re thinking in your head! I do get that seemingly positive events can turn out badly, but really is that what the person who has just told me she’s getting married wants to hear?

Very interesting to hear your story Kubo, and great that you’ve managed to overcome this. Sometimes I am an overly positive person who showers people with nice comments which can be just as bad as being overly negative - like you, I’ve sometimes offered positivity when it wasn’t the right time.

My DM is like it and she is honestly a very lovely woman. When I pull her up on it, she’s instantly apologetic and embarrassed. I remember telling her I’d achieved a first-class degree and she said ‘who did you copy your essays off to get that?!’ When I responded angrily she was really embarrassed, apologised and told me how proud she was of me and that it was a joke. But for me I’d just never think to say something like that in the first place...

[nibdedibble]

If your parents only spoke to you like that, your inner voice is negative and that's what comes out. It's training.
You can retrain yourself, I did to some extent as both my parents are inherently negative. There will always be a part of me that thinks the negative thing but I really find it easy now to say something nice.
The worst is when there is no reaction, like the person is thinking something bad but deliberately saying nothing. I find that so hard.
Going home is not a joy, as you can imagine.