I feel like a terrible mother and a terrible wife

[Watershed1]

I have two sons, aged 5 and 14 months. I love them dearly and before they arrived I would say I was happily married. I still love my husband but we lead different lives. He's out at work all day, my life revolves around the boys. I'm tired, I feel like I had a previous life. I don't really take care of myself any more like I used to, I have nothing to say to DH when he comes home, I feel I lead a boring, lonely life. I don't feel attractive anymore. I don't go out and socialise much. My confidence has gone.

I work part-time, and I do all the running around in the morning to get the kids fed/dressed/dropped off. DH works some way away so he's up and out really early. I often don't eat breakfast, I rush to get myself into the office on time. Feel like I've done a day's work already by the time I get there.

Don't feel valued by anyone anymore. I often feel I don't know who I am. I'm looking for validation, have found that if someone says something nice to me at work I'm overcome with delight and get attached to them.

I do still love DH but the reality is my life has changed completely after having kids, his hasn't. He's continued with his career, his routine. I have become an exhausted, lonely servant who basically just scurries around all day looking after the kids and cleaning house. I feel de-valued in my job, I've been there ages and whilst it's been a steady earner whilst I've had the family there's no progression for me. It sucks, I'm not happy anymore.

And, yet I appreciate the kids so much, they're happy and healthy and they have become my world. But there's nothing left for me and this makes me sad and frustrated. I also feel like a terrible mother and wife for thinking like this. AIBU?

[SlatternIsTrying]

Yep, another one here who could have written your post. My saving grace is that my DH basically takes over at the weekend with the kids.

I don’t think he realised at first how much easier it was for him to just get himself up and out in the morning. I found it especially grating on the mornings he didn’t have to do it, but opted to do so as it was the easy option for him. I had to make him realise how stressful I found it (some mornings I cried driving into work after the dcs were dropped off, from from the sheer stress of it all).

[YellWat]

Try counselling.
My DH and I have gone a few times over the years when we've hit a rut, struggled to manage a change or repeat the same fight... and we are one of the happiest married couples we know. We go to invest in our relationship, to have tricky conversations in a safe place and to learn new relationship tools.
Please ignore those advising ultimatums or sweary demands. You need to talk respectfully to each other about how you're feeling. And you need to invest in your relationship as well as the kids.
Counselling is brilliant, and it works. Good luck.

[BusterGonad]

I haven't read all the replies but I just wanted to say that I'm a stay at home mum, living the expat life, no job, son at school all day, you'd think I'd be living it up but no, the friends I do have work in the day and the evenings are spent cooking, washing up and putting my son to bed. I'm struggling with who I am at the moment. I used to be very confident but now I look at clothes in the shops and can't even figure out if I like them! 😢 I miss work, and I miss having work friends.

[SlothHouse]

Been there before. Finally (slowly) coming out of it and starting to feel a bit more valued as a mother. Hang in there

[LigPatin]

I'm looking for validation, have found that if someone says something nice to me at work I'm overcome with delight and get attached to them.

I read this as code for attracted to another man/potentially having an affair?

[Bitchbadgerplease]

Send him 'an open letter to shitty husbands' blog. He may be being a good provider, but there is a lot more to being a father and husband than that. You sound exhausted :(

[justmyview]

Would you be happier working full time, with a more even split of household chores?

[Bakedbrie]

@Watershed1....forget all the perceived issues and regrets etc.....forget all the real life constraints for a moment. Can you try and step back from the unhappy world that you’re in and tell us what would be your ideal scenario of family / work / marriage that would make you happy? Please tell us....I’m not trying to trick you here by the way, I’m just curious to know what alternative view might make you happy?

[incognitomum]

Can you at least have tine to yourself when he gets in?

[incognitomum]

Time*

[pinkyredrose]

You sound a fantastic Mother! You're obviously exhausted though. What are evenings like, who does what around the house? Basically you need to split chores. Does your husband's work end when he comes in the door and you keep slogging away? If so that's massively unfair, he needs to pull his finger out.

He may work a long day but you seem to work far more.

[Asgoodasarest]

Is your husband aware of how you’re feeling? Have you had any conversations about this at all? It’s hard to advise without understanding what the dynamic at home is. For example a husband who has no idea how bad his wife is feeling and has just blindly gone with the flow assuming all is well, is a different proposition from a lazy husband that doesn’t pull his weight, knows his wife is unhappy and doesn’t care.
I empathise with a lot of what you’re saying here as my position hasn’t been a million miles away in the past.

[Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe]

Ahh OP bless you ...your lost ..I totally get it...I was too. I was x and ys mother and zs wife not to mention daughter,aunt sister,work mate,cleaner,banker,driver,washer woman,shopper,and snot wiper...all day every day! The only thing I wasn;t anymore was sallycinammon! I was not the gorgeous designer mummy at the school gate all made up beautifully and dressed in 5 inch heels and sunglasses with beautiful hair ,nor was I doing lunch and drinking wine.I was dull and dressed in leggings and looked like I was dragged through a bush backwards and I was so unexciting. I had lost me by being everything to everyone else and you know what the only person who could change that was me. You have to start by being kind to yourself,to realise how vital and important you are.You are by the sounds of it a successful wife ,mother co worker and home maker.What would they all do without you? It would probably all fall to bits! You need to get back to you a bit,I promise it will make you feel better. Go for a hair cut in peace, go for an hour round the shops and treat yourself...treat yourself to something just for you,not the kids not the house not the husband ,,for you and you alone. Your kids are ok now and you should restore date nights.Someone should be able to look after the kids so you can go for a meal with your hubby or for a drink or to the cinema.And above all you need to laugh again.I am guessing you dont do as much of that as you used to.Moving on you could plan a weekend or night away when your confidence returns.You need to learn to be a bit more carefree and spontanious,I know its never spontanious with kids but instead of going food shopping at the weekend pr cleaning up bugger it and go to the coast for an ice cream and a run on the beach...or dont do the ironing go swimming all of you..anything is fine the world wont end if the pots arent washed! You can do this with the support of your husband. Try the date nights and go and be as you both were before you had the kids...laugh,be outrageous,have fun together...you may be surprised how different you feel.I can tell you this cos its what I did and what worked. It was a breath of fresh air to go for fish n chips sat on a wall in the rain with my husband...because we were together.Just us ..no distractions,no sharing our food with the kids,no peace making when they argued just us. Make time to break free on your own for a bit then with your hubby you wont regret it and the world wont end and the kids will be fine and you may just get back to being you...Be kind to you and see to your needs and you will be much happier and you will have things to look forward to ..on your own,with your husband and as a family.Have a think and act on it.Good luck I have been where you are and its hard but it doesnt have to be like this...It helped me no end which is why I am sharing it with you.

[HillAreas]

Completely agree with @Asgoodasarest. Saves me typing up roughly the same thing.

One thing I would advise, is that when you speak to him about it try to avoid the following

• I need you to help
  
• can you babysit the kids
  
• can you clean the bathroom/cook dinner/ hoover, put kids to bed for me
  

Basically anything that gets him to thinking he’d be doing you a favour by taking away some of your responsibilities is bad.

His house, his children, his belly, his bathroom, his floors - his responsibility too

It makes me so mad when people use those phrase, it’s sending totally the wrong message!

[Waveysnail]

I found it all a bit grim until mine were all in school. They were of an age they could dress themselves, help with basic chores like loading dishwasher or putting away clothes

[AnnaBanana26]

Completely empathise with you. For me it felt the same. You’re only human and it is hard not to resent your partner because a lot of the time they don’t have to sacrifice anything to have a family, social life and excellent career. It’s also hard when they do not see why you’re struggling, sadly to many people who haven’t been the one at home with the children it’s often seen as ‘you’re just off with the children at home every day, what’s hard about that.’ But some days it’s impossibly hard. You lose your identity for a while and it takes a lot to adjust to the new normal.
Can you try and do something for yourself even for an hour a week? Seem a friend, a gym class, anything that will give you a boost.
I still battle with the same feelings as you but if it helps I always tell myself everything in life is temporary and you won’t always feel this way.
You’re doing great, you only feel so exhausted by this because you’re giving it you’re all. Be kind to yourself OP.

[Bakedbrie]

I think part time working can be a tough place to be. On the one hand, its hard to have the spare time to really get involved with mums groups etc, have quality time with the DC’s but on the other hand a lot of women end up unfairly sacrificing career progression for flexibility. These are compromises that are not made easy within Britain....i think it’s better and more supported in other countries.

[Bakedbrie]

I used to feel a bit jealous of my DH, then one day I was waiting for the kids to come out of school and glanced up to watch a load of people stuck in the offices....it looked bloody boring from 8-6Pm every day, day in day out, all the politics shit once i gave it 2 mins thought....i quickly changed my mind!

[twosoups1972]

@Bakedbrie I agree, it’s not always easier for the working partner. I could never do what dh does and commute an hour each way to do a hard job every day. I thought I had it easier and enjoyed the freedom of being able to do what I wanted each day, albeit with a baby in tow.

[MurrayTheMonk]

I remember this feeling well. Small kids can be a drudge and of course they are a tie. As a parent your life is to some degree necessarily on hold for a few years-but it does get better-that's the good news-as they get older you carve our more time for yourself.

As pp have said though it's not fair that it's only your life on hold-your h has to shoulder this burden with you and then you give each other a break. When it's one person doing all the leg work it's impossible for that person not to get overloaded but additionally resent the other. I'm another one who ended up divorced partly as a result of this...
Have you spoken to Dh about this? (Even having to do that annoyed me at the time because why couldn't he just see that I was so unhappy And tired and help? But some people need it spelled out to them).
Echo the advice about At least taking a morning or afternoon 'off' a week and when this happens ignore any irrational feelings of guilt over it. You need some time to yourself. Time which your h gets Via work and his life outside-whatever he says about how that doesn't count-it bloody well does!