I feel like a terrible mother and a terrible wife

[Watershed1]

I have two sons, aged 5 and 14 months. I love them dearly and before they arrived I would say I was happily married. I still love my husband but we lead different lives. He's out at work all day, my life revolves around the boys. I'm tired, I feel like I had a previous life. I don't really take care of myself any more like I used to, I have nothing to say to DH when he comes home, I feel I lead a boring, lonely life. I don't feel attractive anymore. I don't go out and socialise much. My confidence has gone.

I work part-time, and I do all the running around in the morning to get the kids fed/dressed/dropped off. DH works some way away so he's up and out really early. I often don't eat breakfast, I rush to get myself into the office on time. Feel like I've done a day's work already by the time I get there.

Don't feel valued by anyone anymore. I often feel I don't know who I am. I'm looking for validation, have found that if someone says something nice to me at work I'm overcome with delight and get attached to them.

I do still love DH but the reality is my life has changed completely after having kids, his hasn't. He's continued with his career, his routine. I have become an exhausted, lonely servant who basically just scurries around all day looking after the kids and cleaning house. I feel de-valued in my job, I've been there ages and whilst it's been a steady earner whilst I've had the family there's no progression for me. It sucks, I'm not happy anymore.

And, yet I appreciate the kids so much, they're happy and healthy and they have become my world. But there's nothing left for me and this makes me sad and frustrated. I also feel like a terrible mother and wife for thinking like this. AIBU?

[GetUpAgain]

You are not a terrible wife or mother. Please do something to change your life so it's how YOU want it to be. As a family my DH career took precedence over mine - result = I got stuck in same job for almost 20 years and can't find a way out of being a middle manager. Its soul destroying.

[JustHarriet]

Yanbu to feel that way and you've articulated the experience really well, you are not alone.
Of course you love your kids but you are a human who has needs and you need to recharge your batteries on a regular basis. What would you enjoy doing? Catching up with a friend? Seeing a movie? Doing some art or craft? Being in nature alone or with company? Snoozing in a hammock? Book in a regular time to do exactly what you want so you can look forward to it. This also reminds your family (and you) that you too are a human with needs... it's easily forgotten when you routinely accommodate everyone else's.
Like the example of the pp who took time for themselves to exercise! Nice one.

[nutbrownhare15]

I'd recommend the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. You need some 'unicorn' time. msmagazine.com/2019/10/16/eve-rodsky-wants-feminist-partners-to-play-fair/

[Bluerussian]

Chubby: I could of written this myself.
,,,,,,,
Glad you didn't , don't you read anything on here?

[Bluerussian]

Op, you must assert yourself. You are as entitled to a career as your husband and I am sure that is achievable.

He should be doing more at home, however if you carve out a career for yourself you will be able to pay people to do the donkey work at home. You'll rise above what you currently have and gain respect. Men generally like having a successful wife, your husband will be pleasantly surprised and if he isn't - that's his problem.

Go for it!

[eomma]

your dh sounds shit. talk to him, tell him all this, tell him to step the fuck up because those two boys are his kids too. if he doesn’t listen, get a lawyer and get a divorce.

[mummyof2boys30]

It gets easier the older they get. I have 2 boys 9 and 7. In their younger days I felt exactly like you. Right up to both went to school full time. My husband done his share but I always felt exhausted and not myself. I joined the gym last year and I feel better than I ever have. Finally some me time

[Quartz2208]

You need to talk to him this is a completely unfair divide

[Butterymuffin]

Do you want to work part time? If you did then that's one thing, but often it's just seen as the obvious choice when the man earns more, but actually the woman gets a raw deal twice through lack of career fulfillment and being expected to pick up all the household shitwork because she's part time. What do you want out of your working life?

[HouseOfCrayCray]

I also could've written this exact post, down to every single detail. My DH is lovely in most aspects, but it's almost like he doesn't have the brain capacity to be pro-active with housework & the kids etc. He would never ever think to just sort the washing, change the bedding, make the beds without me asking. I even have to set the alarm each night because I know he won't take responsibility to wake our DC up. On my days off i'll still get up to get them ready, because he just focuses on himself. This has become the norm & he kind of expects me to do it now. I know if I didn't, he still wouldn't. I don't even bother saying anything now because it'd make no difference & quite honestly I think the majority of men are like this (sorry, just my opinion but you can see from the replies on here too). He'll eat dinner with the kids, which I'll have made, yet 80% of the time just leave everything on the table for me to clear/wash, not bother putting left overs away. The only thing he does pro-actively is shower one of the kids every couple of months, or fill the dishwasher every couple of weeks, maybe cook a quick dish of pasta every month. Don't think he's ever hoovered past the living room & I can even count on one hand the amount of times that's happened. I also work PT, he sometimes uses this as an excuse & the fact that he does all the DIY stuff when I ask him to do more to help. Yet with the amount of housework & looking after the DC I actually 'work' way more than he does. If I didn't do what I do, we'd live in a dirty, chaotic home (he acknowledges this, which is even more annoying). Ughhhhh, great to vent. Probably sounds really bad though reading back But yeah, I feel you.

[Aswad]

In many ways I could have written this.
Can you outsource some of the chores/housework by getting a cleaner?
Is there an evening you can agree with your husband where it’s your off day? Maybe you can go to the local sauna or a hobby you like?

[MinnieMountain]

What hours is he out of the house on a work day?

[Serenschintte]

Op you just sound exhausted and fed up. My heart goes out to you. It’s hard hard work when kids are that small. Let alone working as well.
Can you talk to your DH, tell him how you feel and explain you need some help. Things my DH has done (Ds1 and 2 much older ) that help are: put a load of washing on in the morning, take the bins out. Those kind of things. Quick when doing alone, but not when with small children.
Also it might be worth having some blood tests to check iron and vitamin d levels. If they are low you can feel quite down.
I hope your DH can support you as he should do his DW.

[Urkiddingright]

You’re not a shit Mum or wife, the way you feel is common. I have felt this way too, I think many women have. Your body experiences pregnancy, birth and the after effects so you do naturally go through most of the change. The man usually returns to work after a fortnight leaving the woman to deal with everything. It does feel like men’s lives don’t really alter much, they get to continue with their career as normal and usually don’t take a break from their normal life in any way. I feel your pain, I think this will resonate with many women.

Speak to your DH tonight, show him what you wrote on here because it is quite an eloquent explanation. It does get easier and less monotonous when they’re all in school, especially if you return to work FT.

[JosefKeller]

tell your husband
It's all very good for posters to say he should be doing more, if he is not physically there, how is that going to work?
He could try to find a job closer from home, but frankly, in the meantime there are bills to be paid.

get a cleaner

look for another job

Life is too short to be miserable. It doesn't have to be that way.
You just need more help, don't feel you can't ask for it "just' because you are working part-time.

[funnylittlefloozie]

Bluerussian, why are you always so nasty about poor grammar? I never see you contribute anything constructive, its always just snide little snipes about grammar that frankly make you sound like some sort of chippy lower-middle class Mrs Bucket, first in her family to get an English degree from a white-tile uni, and dont we all have to know it.

[Mandarinfish]

My DC are older than yours OP (my eldest is 14) and although the day to day stuff is so much easier now, in some ways I wish I'd done something about my career sooner when they were little like yours. I work part time, and in many ways it's perfect (I love my job and still have plenty of time with the kids), but recently I decided to apply for something that would have been a bit more challenging for me and didn't even get an interview despite being (I thought) well qualified for it. I guess I'm now seen as too old and too settled in my part time role.

So my message is - if you want to find a more exciting job, now's the time! Don't leave it for another 10 years. Also if you do increase your hours DH will have to step up at home which will be no bad thing.

Good luck OP. I hope you find a way to improve things.

[TeaAndCake321]

I do get what you are saying in parts, you do feel like your life revolves around everyone else once you have kids and are trying to juggle too many things as a working mum. I felt much worse when my husband had a long commute to work so was leaving just as we got up if he wasn’t already gone. He was working silly hours as well as the commute and we were just coexisting for a while. What changed things for us was him changing his job, shorter commute and better working hours. He’s far more present now and things are much more 50/50 in terms of house and kids. I’ve never felt short of things to say to my husband though and I still look forward to seeing him in the evening, even if it is just spent cooking, eating and battling bedtime.

You need to have a rethink in terms of how he can do more, if you can have sometime together on your own as a couple and whether you doing something for yourself to get you out the house (hobby or whatever) is possible. No point in feeling rubbish, tell him how you feel, I did with my husband and we managed to change things. We are much happier all round, life is still busy and hectic, it’s going to be working and having small children, but small changes make a big difference.

[twosoups1972]

I get it OP.

I was a SAHM for over a decade bringing up my 3 dc. We were lucky to be in a financial position that allowed me to stay at home which I loved doing. But I get it's not for everyone and if you are unhappy then things need to change.

Firstly you are doing a wonderful job with your boys. Doing day to day stuff, looking after children is really undervalued but it shouldn't be. Why is it seen as less important than doing paid work?

How many days/hours do you work? Could you look for a different role within your organisation? Or look for a new job altogether? Or even a complete change of career? This needs time to think about, don't rush into anything.

I assume your 5 year old is in full time school? What do you do with the baby in the daytime? Do you have any friends with babies of similar age? What sort of things do you enjoy doing just for you? Would a gym with a creche work?

Could you get a babysitter and go out with dh in the evenings? Or go out with friends while dh is at home?

[Italiangreyhound]

The posts here are helpful but in the end you are the one who can change this. You need to believe in yourself, you are doing a good job. You are working hard.

Now you need to make this life work for you, change it to a degree that it changes how you feel.

And if, even after changes, you still feel like this - please explore post natal depression and see if you need any help. I don't say this as a first port of call because I think it is your situation that is the issue, but it is worth having it in the back of your mind, IMHO.

XX

[Daddylonglegs1965]

It is hard work being a mum at all stages but wearying when the kids are so little. It’s even harder if your juggling working PT and if your DH works long hours and isn’t around to help too many hours. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
Go to the GP and ask for blood tests as you could have an underactive thyroid or similar which could be making things worse.
I think you maybe need a night out or a night away as a couple (if you have any friends or family who can help out or ask at nursery or an agency). See if you can feel a bit like you again and enjoy each other’s company and less like a drudge (which was how I felt most of the time when my DC were small).
I am unsure what part time hours you are currently working but could you re-jig your working hours/pattern which might help? Or start looking for another job.
Definitely consider a cleaner if finances will allow even (one a fortnight) it’s lovely to come back back to a clean home will make a big difference and it’s easier to keep on top of this.
Be as organised as possible on an evening to prep for the morning. Lay clothes out ready, bags ready, plan lunches, plan meals, empty dishwasher, clear up clutter.
If the kids don’t have a regular bed time get one sorted out and if DH in get him to help out with baths/story (while you do your meal, get organised or put your feet up).
Can you carve out some ‘you’ time even get DH to take kids for a Saturday or Sunday morning out while you meet up with friends every other week or something. Or can he be home one night mid week so you can do a yoga class, go to gym or see a film.
It doesn’t last forever and does get easier in many ways as they get older. Take care op flowers 💐 🍫 🍷 🛀 📖 🍹

[TulipsTulipsTulips]

Wow OP. I could have written your opening post. You sound just like me.

[twosoups1972]

You need to talk to him this is a completely unfair divide

Depends on the working hours of the OP and those of her dh. Male or female makes no difference, the person who works fewer hours does more at home.

[bugbhaer]

What has your DH said about how you're feeling?

[peanutbuttermarmite]

It’s very hard isn’t it when you are the one that has taken the career hit and you can’t see ever turning it around. It does get gradually easier with the children, you need to put thought into what you want from your career options, what’s realistic.

Firstly though, you need to do something just for you so you can get to a happier place to start navigating which other changes make sense.