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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

distance myself after cheating

28 replies

frenchmartini28 · 22/12/2019 18:16

Hello, I have posted on 'relationships' as well, I just want as much advice as possible. I'm 29 and have been with my bf for 4 years. A couple of years ago I found out he had kissed & was sexting a member of his extended family (not related btw) my problem was & still is that because of who it was with its very difficult for me to attend his family get-togethers as there's a chance she could be there. I always tell my bf to go so he can spend time with his family but he doesn't. Here lies the problem...I get the impression he makes it out to his family he is 'not allowed to go' which I have never said! He makes this puppy dog sad face & I look like a bully. I chose to get back with him although I don't think I can forgive & forget what he did, it's the humiliation I think (especially as everyone knows what he did & who with) I can't see how we'll ever have a normal relationship again. I think his family are starting to dislike me now as I'm coming across as rude but I'm not i'm just struggling. Bf works ridicoulous hours, I hardly see him & when I do we bicker. I'm not getting any younger & I'd like to have children but not with someone who's family give me anxiety. Am I being unreasonable not going to dinners, party's? Thank you in advance

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 22/12/2019 18:18

YANBU I think its time to end the relationship and move on.

Janaih · 22/12/2019 18:18

Oh come on, you know what answers you'll get on here. Unanimous Ltbs.

Picklypickles · 22/12/2019 18:24

He's a waste of your time, him and his family are a bunch of wankers.

Original poster
frenchmartini28 · 22/12/2019 18:34

Thank you, really appreciate the advice. It just worries me with the time of year and I'd hate to be cruel and end it over Christmas. Also a colleague once said I did get back with him after finding out what he did & so I should suck it up.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 22/12/2019 18:45

You should have ended it 2 years ago. Why would you want to build a future with someone you can't forgive...I'm not faulting you for how you feel.

You've just wasted 2 extra years of your life with him. Don't bring a child into this unstable relationship.

treaclepumpkin · 22/12/2019 18:47

That colleague is a muppet. Not saying it was wrong to give it another go, but you have tried. You don't have to punish yourself suffering in a relationship that is giving you anxiety forever.

You aren't old, but I understand the need to be thinking about settling down. The longer you are with this guy, the less time you are giving yourself to find that new relationship that will truly make you happy.

You know in your heart this isn't working out. You knew even before you posted. Be kind to yourself and put yourself first in this scenario. No point waiting for the "right" time to do it, it will never come... Start 2020 without the baggage I say...

Sparklesocks · 22/12/2019 18:48

As others have said i think it’s time to call time on it I’m afraid. The bottom line is you don’t seem happy - you’re bickering, you barely see him, this very significant thing happened and despite trying to make it work it’s just not happening. Walk away and aim higher.

Pumpkinpie1 · 22/12/2019 19:15

Trust is the foundation of any relationship and if you don’t have it it’s time to move on. He’s making you miserable

Jupiters · 22/12/2019 20:04

I think you need to draw a line under the whole relationship and move on. The trust has gone.

DrManhattan · 22/12/2019 22:46

Ditch him

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 22/12/2019 22:50

Stop dragging it out. It's not worth investing your time in a relationship you're not happy in. Find someone better.

Havaina · 22/12/2019 23:04

Also a colleague once said I did get back with him after finding out what he did & so I should suck it up.

If the colleague tells you to jump into the River Thames, would you do that too?

You can leave any time. You don't need anyone's permission. And he's a prick for making you look controlling to his family. How can you respect him?

Don't waste another child-bearing year, month, week etc on him. End it today.

Original poster
frenchmartini28 · 23/12/2019 00:19

I regret getting back with him, I play the whole disgusting thing out in my head and I know if I hadn't seen the text he never would have told me (said he was going to) yeah right! Only problem now is I've been invited xmas day dinner & drinks how do I let his mother down? She'll be upset

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 23/12/2019 00:23

If you were advising a much loved friend/sister/cousin in a similar situation, would you recommend starting a family with a sleazebag who has painted her as a controlling bully to all his relations?

Please follow the advice you would give to your friend/sister/cousin.

Original poster
frenchmartini28 · 23/12/2019 00:26

To clarify his parents are divorced & the humiliation I feel is towards his dad's side of the family (OW is very much involved)

I adore my partners mother.

OP posts:
LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 23/12/2019 00:27

YABU, not because of how you feel that's completely to be expected, but to stay in a relationship like this. You don't trust him and you can't get past what he did, most people couldn't, I definitely wouldn't, but YABU to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. If you're going to stay after cheating you need to forgive, it's unhealthy for you to keep going round in circles. Move on and by that I mean without him, it's unforgivable and with a family member even worse!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 23/12/2019 00:30

Dump his cheating nasty (sexting with a relative - vomit) sorry ass. You have time to find a man, plenty of them about who aren't cheating creeps, don't settle for this one, you deserve better.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 23/12/2019 00:31

Only problem now is I've been invited xmas day dinner & drinks how do I let his mother down? She'll be upset

Not your problem. Seriously.

Smelborp · 23/12/2019 01:15

I think you could write to his mother telling her how sorry you are not to come and that you’re very fond of her. She’ll understand and I’d she doesn’t, it’s atill not worth wasting more time on something that’s not working (if that’s what you’ve decided).

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/12/2019 01:25

Just end it. Don’t prolong the agony. You deserve better. You know you have to sooner or later so just do it. Be real.

Oh and your colleague is an idiot.

Laserbird16 · 23/12/2019 04:18

End it. There is something much better for you once you stop wasting time with this guy. Don't worry about timing, now is the right time.

His mum will be fine

puds11 · 23/12/2019 04:31

Do they know what he did? If not, why?

Original poster
frenchmartini28 · 23/12/2019 12:40

Yes they are aware of what he did & who with. I didn't want to spoil anyone's Christmas plans but looks like I'll be going to my mom's now as it would be too awkward to go to his.

OP posts:
SVRT19674 · 23/12/2019 13:10

YANBU about not wanting to see them as you feel uncomfortable but YABVU in staying with this guy with whom you do not have much future. Time to move on and explore pastures new.

ISmellBabies · 23/12/2019 13:24

Your 29. Your fertility won't last forever. If you ever want children you've got about 10 years to find a nice responsible, non-cheating guy to marry and have children with. Stop wasting your time with this cheating moron.