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Cutting out Xmas presents

21 replies

Misskittyfantastico85 · 08/12/2019 17:35

Ok first post so sorry if it's a long one.

4 siblings 3 from one father and one from another. Siblings A, B & C were called together last week by father who stated that now they are all adults, (over 35) that there is no point in exchanging gifts because inevitably it's just money and no point. At this point all were present except C.

A & D have 1 child each, B & C have no children (so as not to drip feed later) for the last few years, A & D have only bought for each others children and have not bought for each other.

A called DM during the week and said what had been agreed and could she let C know (c still lives at home) DM said what about D??? A said it was up to BC & D how they went forward.

So today was the day to exchange cards, A and wife bought a card for B,C & D and put nothing in. B bought a card for A and put nothing scratch cards in, but is waiting to give C & D on Christmas Day, C didnt bring any cards as was confused who to give to, D has a different dad and has said they are going to carry on as they always have.

AIBU to think that adults of over 35 do not need to swap money.

OP posts:

lau888 · 08/12/2019 17:45

Are the adults still giving gifts to the children of A and D? It seems okay to stop swapping arbitrary gifts between the various adults. However, it would feel harsh to stop giving the children anything as the situation is outside their influence.

If D is very upset and the others wish to soften the blow, they could switch to meaningful gifting eg write something substantial in a Xmas card instead of just to/from, gifting something of trivial value but explained emotional significance (a candy bar that reminded them of their childhood), etc.


BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/12/2019 17:49

Tbh it all sounds bloody confusing. So the dad didn't want to exchange gifts anymore - fine. He doesn't have to give or receive. Why does he then get to say what everyone else does with each other?


bridgetreilly · 08/12/2019 18:01

This is all incredibly confused and confusing, but no, adults definitely don't need to be giving each other money for Christmas. However, it's up to the adults involved to make their own arrangements, not be dictated to by one parent.


fedup21 · 08/12/2019 18:08

Siblings A, B & C were called together last week by father who stated that now they are all adults, (over 35) that there is no point in exchanging gifts because inevitably it's just money and no point. At this point all were present except C.

I’m confused.

There are 4 siblings and 3 of them were called together by their father and told not to exchange gifts. But only 2 were there?! Why did you say three were called rather if they actually weren’t?


charm8ed · 08/12/2019 18:10

Just because the DF doesn’t want to do gifts it’s up to the siblings if they want to or not between themselves or their DC.


DeathStare · 08/12/2019 18:14

Adults of over 25 do not need to be told by their father what the arrangements for exchanging gifts/cards will be. It was fine for him to say that HE no longer wanted to exchange cards and presents but what they do between themselves as siblings is none of his business. He has meddled and caused chaos.

I think all 4 siblings need to have another conversation - not including the parents at all - about whether THEY want to continue to exchange cards/gifts and on what basis.


DeathStare · 08/12/2019 18:14

That was a typo. Should have said over 35 not 25


Notsurehowtofixit · 08/12/2019 18:14

I think that gifts are not an exchange? Buy a present for someone or not. Whether they give you one is their own business. As a transaction, it doesn't make sense anyway.


RuggerHug · 08/12/2019 18:17

Surely as adults they can decide between themselves without their Dad telling them who they can give gifts toConfused fair enough if he wants out but he can't dictate.


meredithgrey1 · 08/12/2019 18:17

I don't understand why what the dad said impacts what A, B and C do for each other? Surely the dad just meant that he's not getting them anything and doesn't expect anything from them?


Aragog · 08/12/2019 18:21

We buy for my siblings and their partners, and my nephew. I also buy for my parents. They all do the same.
We buy for PILs and for our two nieces. DH and BIL decided a few years back not to exchange gifts anymore and to just focus on the children.

We don't exchange money. Infant I don't give anyone money as a gift, though have done the odd voucher for friend's children but not for family. We exchange gifts though we all have 'wish lists' with rough ideas and some specific links on which we will share if asked.

Im not sure where the DF comes into it. He can chose what he wants to do but surely the other adults need to decide for themselves.


Misskittyfantastico85 · 08/12/2019 18:42

I absolutely agree that parent doesn't get to dictate. I think that the whole AIBU stems from the fact that A & B agreed not to swap money, C was told of the plan but wasnt sure what was going on (SEN 38) and D doesnt want to get involved. D gives what D can afford £10 for A B & C. A & C give around £20 each and B gives around £40 each. I absolutely know that you dont give to receive, but Siblings were told a few years ago by DM to just give money.

I just wish everyone could agree.

OP posts:

annielennoxstuckinmyhead · 08/12/2019 18:45

Wtf really


bridgetreilly · 08/12/2019 18:48

Siblings were told a few years ago by DM to just give money.

This is the most bonkers bit of all. Money is a ridiculous thing for adults to give to other adults and it's even more ridiculous for a parent to decide what her adult children will give each other. Do none of the children in this family have a backbone, an opinion, or a phone? Why aren't they sorting this out themselves?


fedup21 · 08/12/2019 18:49

Siblings were told a few years ago by DM to just give money

What’s it all got to do with the parents-they sound very controlling!


DeathStare · 08/12/2019 18:55

I think there are two options:

  1. Let everyone do something different. No it might not be equal but given that nobody can agree what is best, all doing different things might be the easiest thing to grin and bear.

2. Try to find something different that everyone agrees to:
Secret Santa between the four siblings (and partners?) maybe?
If the issue is the DNs you could either agree that just those with children exchange gifts for children? Or that everyone buys for the children?
Or you could do "our family" to "your family gifts" for each of the siblings? Either A,B,C,D all buy for one gift for each other's family (even if that "family" is just the one person) or do it as a Secret Santa

And tell the parents to stop meddling!

RhymingRabbit3 · 08/12/2019 18:58

I think the 4 siblings need to set up a group chat or at least an email chain to discuss this sort of thing. Who still does things by phoning mum and getting her to pass on a message which may or may not get through!?


Ratbagratty · 08/12/2019 19:04

Can you not do a secret Santa limited amount physical gift between the 4 siblings?


WhenISnappedAndFarted · 08/12/2019 19:14

DM and DF need to stay out of it and let the siblings do what they want


Squirrelblanket · 08/12/2019 19:34

Are you one of the siblings?

Why are you all allowing your parents to tell you what to give and to whom? Grow up and sort it out amongst yourselves.


JaJoJe · 17/12/2019 18:22

I think its incredibly sad that people think the love of giving a gift has an age limit.

I buy for my siblings every year and I think in 22 years I have received 3 gifts back (and 2 where actually from parents because they where little) but getting something back is not why I do it.

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